You say, "I love you" to me,
when you are happy..

but you say that I don't deserve you,
when you are mad.

You say that I am beautiful,
when you are happy.

but you say that you could do so much better than me,
when you are sad.

You say "I miss you" to me,
when you are happy.

but you say "leave me alone I couldn't care less about you",
when you are mad.

You say that it's hard to find someone like me in this day and age,
when you are happy,

but you also say...
that I make your life harder,
that I always seem to **** up,
that you should leave me,
that you don't find happiness in me,
that what is standing between our relationship and goodbye is a single mistake from me,
that a single moment can change everything,


so what is it you love, miss, and find beautiful about me?
so what is it you deserve more than my best that I gave you?
so what is that I can improve to make you find happiness in me if all of it is subjective and arbitrary to you?

so why do you say "I love you"
when you are happy

but never,  "they can never make me leave you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "I miss you"
when you are happy,

but never, "I need you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "you are mine"
when you are happy,

but never make feel like you are here to stay?

..

here's the thing about looking
onto windows at night,
you suddenly come to realize the world
in its separate yet inescapable three dimensions,
you see not only your own reflection,
but over and beyond,
you pause from blinking
and for an abrupt of an instant,
your life flashes before your eyes,
you see all of the scenes so clearly
acted out by a vivid yet an accurate reflection,
you start to remember the meticulous shade
of a sky that your cheeks were touched by,
the thickness of a boy's pride that made you
wish the world existed in only one dimension,
you feel the pain that filled the veins
of a cracked floor you once walked on,
your lips lift to form a smile a stranger
threw at you from a stage you wanted to be on,
and in this peripheral gazing,
you exist in two dimensions
stuck in between what the window
entails at day and at night.

once upon a winter,
a storm made a victim out of you,
and so you sleighed to warm embracing arms,,
but they called your feelings out as faulty,

you tried to supress the past,
indulged the present,
and disregarded any grudges into spring,
but you didn't linger for warmth anymore,
your heart ached in ways it hadn't before,
you doubted the only soul residing in your body,

sleep was your only escape from reality,
but your dreams were forearmed,
trapping you back to a survival
which you felt unfortunate to have,
next thing you know,
you become a living metaphor for, "can this get any worse?",

“You’re not that weak,
                                  and it’s not that hard.”

“You’re beautiful,
                 but more importantly than that you’re wonderful.”

My dreams and my writings are both the worlds filled with grief and sadness , but not as much the world my reality is in.

I wish I could gather all your broken pieces ,
and heel the scars that the shatter had left in you.

But here I am, oblivious of how to gather my own wreckage.

delicate
just like
gold flakes,

filled with
an iridescent
sapphire,

so sweet,
honey-glazed donut
instead of a heart,

even a glimpse
of your sunshine

is enough
to keep souls
warm for an entire winter season.

you look like
the one who
left me behind,
but you smile
just a little wider
and my heart
already feels
a lot warmer.

I wont turn you down even when you have let me down multiple times and continue to,

and that's the only thing we both can count on.

Your silence is the only part of you that still speaks to me,
and when I can't hear your voice anymore,
the fog reveals the distances you aren't willing to travel,
what's the point of reaching out to someone who doesn't want to be reached?

you make loving
unconditionally
my agenda for
everyday,
you make
living in the
moment a
feeling i’ve missed
on my entire life,
you make sunshine
seem dim in the
presence of your
warmth,
you make the
hours feel like
minutes
and make hours out
of minutes,
you make
rainbows replace
my thoughts,
you make the butterflies
in my stomach
work extra hard
and the blood rushing
too fast, too hard,
trying to catch up
with the rush
going through
my body
when i hold
your hand.

A little love
goes a long way

Losing my **** over you is an understatement,
that's something a person like you would do,
not me honey.

honey
drips
out
of
your
words,

you melt
all my walls
down
and sugar coat
this heart
of mine

You held onto me,
like a child in a store holding onto a toy
he can't possibly afford,
walking with it aisle to aisle,
playing with it for as long as he possibly can,
then hiding it in a corner,
out of sight,
so that it's there to play with the next time he pays a visit,

you see, it was his, even if it was just for a little while.