Your hands are cream
They rub into me
Filling my skin with content

Your eyes are chocolate
They melt my gaze
My mouth goes dry with want

Your heart is jelly
I wish to take a bite
Would you let me,
even if my teeth leave a mark?

These days
I'm starting to think
Nothing can mean everything

And everything can just as well be
Nothing

Sitting there
Embraced in all the noise
My heart was sinking

Again

Don't you know
Don't you know the power you have over me

A word can make me drown
A look can make me lost
A touch can leave me breathless

And I dare to chase you

I know too many strangers
My existence is rather unsure
If I die, will they cry?

I love too many strangers
I give them everything I have
Only if they know
If only they knew

No one knows me
I am a pale figure in the dark
Light has always passed me by

No one loves me
No one does
No one will

So I'll fade
away

I can spend all day
Playing with my hair

My curls and my straights
And the occasional knots

Watching with disappointment
As they slither down my hand

My fingernails against my scalp
Gripping the hair, calculated firmness

I could tear some out
If I wished to

I am being asked for a bio
a short one, perhaps, considering
my fleeting days

what is a nice way to put
my life has not started yet
and that all my dreams and demons
are still locked inside my closets?

and as I walked off the high school
a hell with company, a heaven without wishes
everything translated into fears

but an abundance of sparks, could-bes,
and a ground for love

I felt dead in a moment
alive in the next.

I had to end on a positive note
For I am returning
tomorrow morning.

She.
She feels like
an electric shock
underwater

I.
I can only
breathe within her

Cruel, she is
She holds me

Down, below her thighs
always at an impasse

I used to think
I was cool

She is shattering.

I know you think I'm not enough to go out to the world
But I might be young but I'm not a child
And I might be reckless but I know where I'm headed

I know that you're the way you are because you love me
But you don't really get me
And I'm not that kid anymore

I've always been a dreamer
though you couldn't tell by the music I play
and you'd always tell me the world was a mess
And I would change the way you saw space

And I wish that you would show me who you are
without all that pretense
But in the end you're the one I can't lose
And I'm the one who'll come back to you

So can we talk another time
Though we'll get nowhere
But you'll still love me anyway
And I love you for that.

If my breath is worth your word
Then I would forfeit all to live your world
Where the light and dark
are nothing but shades of grey
And your love would smother me
drive me out, push me
Heavily slowly relentlessly

Into my world
Where,
we'd meet again.

I'm tired
I say

She looks at me;
scared

I admit
I know where her mind is
Insecure, lost, and trembling with fear

Fear of rejection

Because I have been there before

But I still
turn away

Goodbye
I mutter

A mockingbird mocks
She hardly hears

The twinkling sound
of stars falling in her eyes

Her mind is too far away
Strayed in the light-speed
of the found and the lost

Dizzy, is she
She feels trapped
Inevitability of the universe

She is just that mockingbird
She hears

The world hears neither of them
But both can pretend

When I was a girl in the city
I thought the world had a limit

Bikes and cars and planes
and astronauts, maybe

But I never really thought to
look for the stars

Step up
Into the flight
Her lips tastes of tangerine
-Thrill while it lasts

End comes
and way down
I call Him, who else
-I missed you

Ground was
so far away
And home was
-What's this

Threw Hope
in the bin
next to
His broken Heart
-It's not what you think

yeah but,
It Is.

the Truth;
that we never
had a Chance
-Goodbye.

I clutched at my knees
the beats before her voice
ramming into me repeatedly

The noises in my mind
Too bright, too abrupt
an incoherent strum of notes

I never should have
given you anything
memories dangling in your fist

I would like to look at the moon until it reflects your face
I would like to die, and sit calmly for you to join me
I would like to be dramatic and be sad and be mad
And I would like, above all, for you to love me.

If a dream comes true
I won't be here
Anymore

I'll be away to somewhere
Somewhere everyone smiles when the sun rises
Somewhere they don't bother to know my name
Somewhere beautiful

I'll leave everything,
everyone

Because
it's a dream come true

You don't have to do anything special for special occasions,
because normal is the most precious kind of special.

I have spent too many hours looking at the screen
I searched again for words that'll make me feel complete
but all I write is something that I'd heard before
and my words all look like you

She died when she heard a laugh

It was a forlorn laugh
A one that knew silence was the hardest glass to break
But still it pierced the air

Because Death was coming
- no, he was already here.

He snatched the laugh from midair
and replaced her silent body with that one sound

And she dispersed in a burst of breath
- Death carried her away from the world

Away and away, until she was nothing but a speck
of dust, on one’s tongue

Spitted out, she felt used and dosed
In unnecessary shame, needless awareness

Of her life blinked out
And again, she tumbled through the air

That laugh slipping up her skin until it did not fit
No more, was she going to seem to live.

She died - when she heard a laugh

Head full of clouds
She pedals
her bicycle
a butterfly floats, low

and as wind whispers
it's futile
suicidal attempt
it strikes her stomach

Her lips curling around
a scream
looks down
And it is gone

My eyes flick shut and time has passed me by
Your liquor and money had caught me in a high
There's something burning inside me now

Unaware I could have been pure til the rain
White dress draped around me like a chain
But no, I must tear you off my skin

Your words have made me doubt my own spirit
Bent me over like a punch to the gut
But you could not gauge the glow inside me now

I will drown you with fire, I vow
I am not water or a flower or a delicacy
I am a raging star, a wrathful beauty

And you will watch as I push you- you fall
Until all you are left is a mere regret
And I will have -in full- paid my debt

My head is in the clouds
Too high to be measured with numbers

Words, swimming and floating
inside my mind my breath

Let me go
for, you cannot ground me at all

I have lied
I have been so jealous of you
Your glittering family, words overdue
And all the green paper you can draw

I have wanted to be you
my girl, a searing fire, whenever I saw you
light sheen of sweat over my hands
clutched together, lips clammed

I have seen nothing
but yet want everything
because it's you;
your words, your touch, your life

And most of all
I want to watch you fall
Away or closer, for me or for else
I cannot -bear- you being perfect

Things pile up
They weight on you
You finish something to only find there's another

Why should I follow my responsibilities
Aren't they supposed to be for me?
And shouldn't I be happy?

But I guess work
Is the only way to keep asking yourself questions
And truly think for oneself

But right now

I want to go to sleep and not wake up

The sensation
On the train station
When you find
Kind eyes
Sharp hands
Making you fall

Buzz of a laughter
Feedback numb
Nothing no more
Just echoes in my ears

Blue sky looked on by
Macabre eyes
The visit passed the limit
She sliced off my

Heartfelt loneliness
Skeptical angels
With their cynical remarks
Trying to get me to feel

Something I don't know what
It is a chip of a bird
That I once quieted for
It is a word of a lover

Who must still love me so
But there is a churning in me
A swirling spiral of nothingness
I hear my time is up

I am afraid
Terrified of the future to come

Sometimes I stop
In the middle of the street
Wondering where I'm headed

But as I stand there
I know nothing's going to change
If I don't move forward

So I just wander past
The lights the people the places

And hope for a world
Where I can stop and rest
And not fear for the future

I live
for the silence
in the wild

the order
amidst the chaos
a beat of truth

when everyone
knows something
about life

understanding
it's brittle
but warm

There's something wrong with you
She couldn't see cause she was blind
You closed her eyes forever shut
She never found out what you are

He looked into your eyes
And he thought you were something different
And he was right
He found out a moment too late

This is when you play
And this is where I hide
Love and pain are both
four letter words (a vague concept)

I hope you hide it well
I hope you hide us well

He's looking
again
continuously
Move, why don't you
you're ruining my view
with that plaid shirt
belly pushed out
absolutely disgusting smile
I can't look away

i remember wishing for more
wishing for privilege money things
that i am not entitled to

but i still wished
for i am selfish and broken and jealous
and i am not the person you think i am

wishing and wishing and wishing
i fell asleep with tears on my face
and guilt churning in my stomach

why am i not enough for me
why do i want more even when i have more than others

why am i like this?

another sleepless night
i still wonder
and i still wish

My heart aches

For a road not taken
For a decision not made
For a life never had

They keep me up at nights

The glimpses
The laughter

Of the future I will never have

And I regret
And I indure
And I hope

I will live the right life.

this city is never silent
cars roll around mad at each other
and people yell my name like
I can't hear what they all say behind my back

At starless night we're all alone
Everyone looks out their window
And the dreams they dared to dream
could come true any moment now

and when we cross the street
to our favorite restaurant
we've been everywhere
this city is loud with us

and when i'm walking home alone
with music in my ears
and the dreams inside my head
this city is quiet with me

I sometimes feel like
I don't know what I want
Which is why I scream at the world
When a simple question would suffice

I'm lost.
I'm just so lost
Anxiety kicks in
And I overthink every breath
If my heart sinks to the floor
You'll throw it away, won't you?

Thanks a lot
Boyfriend

I feel my heartbeat
In the thrum of your fingertips
Against my chin

I feel my ascending breath
In the brush of your lips
Drawing things out of me

It's hope, that you will love me.
It's worse, when I don't know what to say
It's an end, of some sort, of an hopeless kingdom of uncertainty

And it's a start
just one of the countless
to come.

Night terrors
A flash of  light in the mirror
Night terrors
Is it too late to turn on the lights

I'm scared and I know it
The shape outside the window
Knows it

Could it be,
Could it be
real?

Doors in my mind
A lethargic breeze
Shutting them closed

Your knocks
Interrupting my monologue
Of solitude

Please go away.
I can't, I can't.
"Stay."

Keep knocking down my words
Keep reminding me of my world
Keep making me want to

Go outside
and
Face you

Being young
is
Music not being loud enough
to hide what your mother is saying about you to a stranger
Outside the locked door

I waited for you by the swing
The oldest among the young
And I think
I am ashamed of my youth

My feet covered the clouds
All the way up, eyes closed
Biting lips
This is what freedom means

Being mortified
Chasing it nonetheless
Shutting out the world
Pinpointing it to my feet

pinpricks of light
sad, right, 3am, night
told my mother
well, lied, actually
don't be a bother
comma splices
for thoughts, instead
a mess for a head
and sometime, soon, dead.

Loud voice
Clearly spoken

Anyone can see
She's the one

The Chosen one
The one I chose to be

Daddy
I've done some
*******

I taste
your disapproval
Lips shining around a slit of air
and eyes
foreboding
daring me to laugh

I taste
my highness
my hair white
as clouds
bobbing through the Neverlands

I've been reminded
of you
Daddy

In the fatherless boy
the mirror whispers of
You have my eyes
and I have your
deadness

It's all
because of you
My dear dear father
who had the graciousness
to make me
who had the audacity
to leave me

Because
I never
needed you

I have done too much,
I hope,
Daddy

I am in stitches
watching these *******
laughing at my bruises

my life has been
flinches
at clowns
flushes
at men

no longer
can I differ

Something about the way
You talk love live
Makes me jealous
Of a life I haven't had

Of a life I could never have.

Yesterday I went to sleep
Dreaming of all the things I could write

And now the pen is in my hand.

But why do my thoughts
refuse to budge

From you

Maybe it is too late
Maybe I'm not cut out to be yours
But I can write
and I can feel
and isn't that important?

i'm falling again
i'm falling
into abyss
wonder hands will grab me
raise me
but then
i'd be too far gone

i'm walking a fine line
between individuality and insanity

Unrequited
I am sad,
You don't love me
But you like me

Is that enough?

I could never know
I can't compare
No one will love me
Like I can

Why, love?
Why you? Why me?

And especially, why us?

Everyone says I speak nonsense
Sorry
But it's the only language I speak