I love you
Your gentle touch
Your nervous giggle
You caring smile

I love you
But I'm not in love

My hand clenches around my heart
Constricting its beating
Forcing it to step in time to the wrong dance

I'm slicing m own soul apart with this quandary
But the knife is so sharp I hardly notice it
I only think of your face
What you will do when I tell you

I love you
But I'm not in love

The hurt pouring from your eyes
Like blood from a wound
Not windows, but floodgates to the soul unable to close

As your eyes furrow
And mouth turns, open in surprise
Glasses a shield for me
Or you, I can't tell

I love you
But I'm not in love

My what an expensive brand of bruise you wear!
It looks so real, like Fell Down the Stairs by House Wife
But surely not, none of us could afford it on our budget
It's genuine? I don't believe you.

Such an exquisite range of shades you have on,
And matching that dress so well!
Surely that's not a coordinating colour of cut lip too?
A gift from your partner? I don't believe you.

She was risky, she made me feel exhilarated
He paid me attention, I felt liked
He liked me for my weirdness, when I got overexcited
He made me feel safe. In his arms the world could not reach me

She made me feel all these things and more.
She smiles, my breath quickens.
She remembers what I like, I know I am interesting.
We get excited together, laughing and jumping and clapping, wide-eyed.

When I hold her in my arms, I know she is safe and I am too, both saviour and saved.
I hold her hand and never want to let go- the silent confidence makes me beam from ear to ear.
"I've got you" It says, "and you've got me."

How can restriction be so freeing?
Constricted in nylon compression
Freedom in mind
Shallow breaths
But filled with smiles
With a skip in my step

If losing yourself is like drowning in the deepest sea
Then I'm being drowned by society
Down into isolation and darkness
I realise it's important so hark! This
Person is finding out just who they are
It's taken time and I've travelled far
But I'm sinking and flying at the same time
If you've got a problem you can wait in line
Behind all the bullies and people I've been mean to
I'm starting to get my problems seen to
By doing it myself and carpe firm
I need to be me so they can be them
Heading down I don't know the words
But up in the sky it all seems absurd
It's safer to be a serious straight woman
Than a fun bi genderqueer who can
Do whatever the hell they like
And don't feel scared be "***" or "****"
Being yelled at across the street and whispered on the stair
Because confidence means they just don't care
What people think or how they behave
So standing up for myself isn't brace
It's supporting human rights and I have a right to be
Here on this earth as part of this world
Not in the sea or sky, not boy or girl

The greyness will not go
From my mind, from the world
A dome of haze surrounds this troubled town
Dense, thick, ****** into the ground and out to the sky
From my soul, from the world
I'm not so far from sitting with the wild eyed vagrant
Watching all hope walk away
From my heart, from the world
A cruel twist of fate this is- when it began
Troubles came from a solution
From my pocket, from the world
Thanks to inefficiency, from the privileged
I have no food coming
From my hand, from the world
Dreams of warmth and meagre luxuries
Seem so distant, so impossible
From my head, from the world
If I can't survive this month on air
I shall go from my home
To the street, to the world.

Those first touches, caresses
So gentle, so light I thought you a ghost
And yet how could I ever miss you
With your cold beans and your microwaved toast
I can't remember when they started,
But I will never forget them turning into something more
Accidental marring and patterns traced
You never knock normally on my door.
Touched aren't ghostly when everyone leaves
A night of mad men is making me mad
Game of Thrones was just a pretence; you knew.
It was exciting and safe, your nerves made me glad
Because our tentative exploration developed so fast
Practice makes perfect,
Mutual inexperience was cute
We learnt of our actions and we learnt of each other
A background film was certainly astute
You made your mark and I made mine
You teased, you were subtle, my arm shows your line
My canvas, your neck, headphones hide the divine
My bra covers all, on your eyes mine do dine

Should be crying but I want to laugh
And dance in glee
Where are my tears?
The rivers are dry and the sun beats down

Soon our love will be over
Soon our love will end
There'll be laughing and kissing and making love
And giggling and playing until the shove

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

We keep going like we're the same
Pretending that we haven't changed
But we've grown up, and we've grown apart
You'll always have a place in my heart

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

Childhood crush became a summer fling
That turned into a long term thing
But we aren't kids with innocent smiles
I see the world when I look in you eyes

And when it all has ended
I'll still remember you, remember you

There's blankness in my eyes and pain in yours
I can't remember anymore
You can't forget, and it's eating you whole
These two kids are now two damaged souls

So mixed up, so confused
I don't even know what I can do
To stop this all
So if you know, give me a call

Caught in the middle of all of it
Want to run away for a bit
Or forever, just to get away
From everything that's in my head today

My heart is torn up like bits of confetti
Abandoned on a stage floor and yet he
Has no clue what he's doing
When he flirts with the girl in
Alternative clothes with the sassy words
Even if I tried I wouldn't be heard

I say I've moved on from the sweetest kid
That I've ever met and what I did
To **** it by panicking about how to be
instead of just relaxing and sharing me

So I get jealous of mascara and lipstick
Because she doesn't have to think
About making the wrong move or what she says
Flirting with him as I hide my face

I'm emotionally drained from all of it
But people are just my kind of hit
To stop the sadness from gushing and flowing
So I'm in withdrawal when I say I'm going
The symptoms set in so turn up the music
And drowning them out is what I pick

Even if it doesn't work I can say I tried
But 'tween my heart and my head I'm going to die
From overload of emotions and thoughts
I'm tired of falling- I want to be caught

Tripping and stumbling and getting back up
Is all I do so pour me a cup
Of the strongest thing you can find
And let me leave the past behind

As another day passes by
I'm trying to deny that I want to die
So save me from it all, don't let me be dead
Let my heart and my head
And my soul be whole
Let in the new and let go of the old

Lassie, sweetheart, love
That's not my name
Calling loudly, feel like I'm dying
Embarrassed, school skirt flying

Pet, darlin', hottie
That's not my name
Followed up the street, feeling scared
Don't know how to get help, if I dared

*****, ****, ****
That's not my name
Cop a feel when you go by, want to be sick
I'd never see you again, if only I could pick

Girl, gorgeous, lovely
That's not my name
Mind blanks on procedure, sheer panic as you come
Pushed up to a wall, you grab my ***

Beautiful, star, babe
That's not my name
I cried when you came home with me
After dinner, you claimed your fee

The rain falling from a tree lands with a weight
It is comfort, the outside world reminding me it's real
There is more than the airless, dry aired, stuffy rooms of school
There is a whole world to explore.
If I ran into the middle of the moor, and closed my eyes
Breathless
The roar of traffic could almost be the sea
Northern, icy, blue-green-grey.
In my kind it tickles the priory on a stormy night.
I wonder what it would be like to be somewhere hot
Where warm, humid air and bright light was outside
And icy cold white expanse was in.
Those grey clouds are more than the grey tinge of copy paper.
The black of tarmac is more than board pen
The spiny trees are real, no words come from their branches
All are familiar, and yet outside provides comfort.
Inspiration.

Never felt like a bigger fraud than I have right now
Fake it till you make it
Except it feels like cheating
To pretend I know so much
When I'm just really good at paraphrasing
If only I could memorise
Word for word to hide these lies
Quotes, formulas, preprepared answers
The skill they want is they skill they lack
But so do I and that's the issue
I understand it all I just couldn't tell you
What was said when, by whom.

Washing over, it is a surprise
No noticeable trigger, even in retrospect
Nothing, and then BAM
A brick wall built in a moment as you step forwards
Hard to describe, my pen rusty from sitting tucked up in a drawer for so long
First I am me
Then me but not the same
How to define that inbetween?
Inconstant, shifting without warning
Dizzying to experience, shifts my emotions sideways
The one who laughs the loudest needs hope,
The one who is the rock needs stabilising
Or else TIP down as the little stones beneath shift around,
Down the cliff from the plateau
Leaving everyone else to cling to the rockface
How do I tell you that SHE makes me feel sick
When it had no effect yesterday?
It isn't he, nor always she, but neither ze nor they.
I am more than IT but less than she
How to tell you that she isn't me?
She was yesterday, the day before,
Today I am only me, as of 22:34
Tomorrow who knows?
But how to explain.

The battle of clothes.
Yesterday, curves accentuated
Today, too tight chest
Tool loose waist too tight hips
Nothing fits except the tears which spring to my eyes
Ever more easily.
Staining my cheeks, my sleeve sodden
I face the world and smile, laugh the loudest, help the most.
Nobody sees me crumble as i shift again,
Stagger slightly as it moves
Not back to where i once was,
But somewhere different once again.

My strength comes from me, but sometimes I can't help wishing I was  an elder daughter, a big sister, an average teenage girl.

That girl who smiles and laughs as you walk by?
Who you are jealous of?
She needs help more than most
The very word she can be jarring
But SHE smiles.

That clever girl who goes to the Catholic all girls around the corner?
Who you are jealous of?
Stupidity and cowardice to not be herself lie beneath.
Buries herself in schoolwork

That beautiful girl sits at a nearby table?
The one you are jealous of?
Beautiful is a dagger in her heart.
For she is not she nor he
Only somewhere in between
It is you these 'girls' are jealous of

You keep sending me up and down like a yoyo-
But I'm the cheeriest, sunniest yoyo around.
Going down is the best bit by now
Because I know I get to spring back up.
You might find another yoyo eventually,
But none so bright, hardwearing, or smooth running as me!

I'm fine, doing great, yeah. Not been up to much really- at a bit of a loss now school's finally over.
help me I'm drowning in myself I can't escape this house, this prison, the people. My thoughts run in circles- the future, my little loki, that's it. I feel so trapped that there is no light anymore, except hope for the future- when I leave home I might have a chance at freedom if I haven't lost it to old Jack Daniels by then..

Yeah, I'm doing great too. Been trying to go on a few more runs now exams are done, taking care of my sister, that sort of thing. The other day we went to the park.
**my life is pretty bad right now. My relationship is a bit rocky, mum won't let me have five minutes to myself, and the only way I can escape is to go running before she gets back from work. Oh, and my ex has come crying to me about his problems.

Those flowers you sent me were beautiful
Until I touched them.
Now they are black roses, rotting daffodils.

You said I had the Midas touch,
But this curse is even worse.
Now i dare not hold you
Lest you end up in a hearse.

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

The murmur of the TV next door
The giggling drunk students outside
The itching of the family dog
The creaking of the same floorboards

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

The shuffling of my sister on the bunk below
The familiarity of her rythmic breathing
The wind rolling plantpots around
The rain breaking on the window

There is a peaceful silence,
More a quiet really.
That is soft and comforting,
I love it dearly.

Luscious sycamore
Smiling carefree ocean eyes
Dream of that first kiss

Sometimes I forget
The abuse.
Sometimes even the
Pain begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Knocking on my door at 9.45
On a Saturday night
Isn't normal
When I haven't seen you in 3 years.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear flows through my veins.
and i turn the TV up
and I pretend I can't hear you
and I cry silently.

Sometimes I think that I can
Move on.
Sometimes the barrier
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Parking outside my school
For a week
Isn't normal
When you don't even know my age.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my escape plan is ready
and I won't walk alone
and I try to hide in the crowd.

Sometimes I think you've
Finally died.
Sometimes the fear
Begins to fade.
But then I remember-
Offering holidays just to me
And not your other daughter
Isn't normal
When we both chose to leave your life.

and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and my head is spinning
and I change my number
and I block you.

Sometimes the PTSD
Is gone.
Sometimes my childhood
Is rescued.
But then I remember-
A 30 mile bike ride
With no food or water
Isn't normal
When you're only 10 years old.

*and the adrenaline rushes
and my heart is hammering
and the fear rushes through my veins.
and the insomnia takes hold
and I can't open my front door
and if you could get in you would.

I can't trust you.
And I don't want to admit that
I don't love you anymore.
I'm still pretending
That you are the one.
I know that
I don't want to go out with you.
I'm trying to convince myself that
You were so important to me.
And how then,
I don't need you.
I'm only kidding myself when I say
I will always care about you.
Because it's not true-
I don't love you.
So I'm pretending that
I haven't moved on.
I need you to know that
My trust in you is broken.
And so even though
I can't beleive my courage.
I'm being honest with you.

I set my boundaries
But your angel fire burned them.
I set my sat nav to you and you to I
But I was flying blind.
I wanted to love and cherish you
But as the eldest I take responsibility.
I looked at you and thought I knew all
But all I saw was beautiful heaven eyes.
I lay awake and thought of you always
But I only knew you until midnight.
I thought I just liked you
But you are my class a drug.
I tried not to love you
But you stirred my mortal engines.
I know you seem the only one now
But you can only be the first of your bloodline.
I take tea with you and feel so grand
But you sit on the silver chair.
I love one who I can't trust
But that is the fault in our stars.
I thought you a simple book
But you are quantum physics for dummies.
I could never run through fire
But I would by royal command.
I hoped for a first love that was perfect
But this is beautiful chaos.

I'm still waiting for you to kiss me
With those crimson lips so smooth.
And I'm still waiting for us to be alone
When the pain in your bright eyes can be soothed.

I'm still waiting for you to get help
For the carmine rivers that you trace.
And I'm still waiting for a reason why
You broke the promise you put in place.

I'm still waiting for my head to stop spinning
The rose hairclip means I see you down the hall.
And I'm still waiting to tell when my stomach flips
If it's good or not at all.

I'm still waiting for my logic to return
But love gives an alazarin tint to every drama.
And I'm still waiting for a chance to talk to you
But I seem to have bad karma.

I'm still waiting for that hug you owe me
My ruby hair shoelace flopping in my eyes
And I'm still waiting to be the tall one of the pair
As I try to move on, part of me dies.

I'm still waiting for that movie date we planned
And the ketchup coloured earring you wear in the left ear
And I'm still waiting to dance and twirl you round
In my arms I could hold you near.

I'm still waiting for when you blush
Vermillion as insults are thrown across the street
And I'm still waiting for the chance to set that right
Remmembering you defending me in the stifling heat.

I'm still waiting for the time to tell you
How much you're in my thoughts
And I'm still waiting for your birthday so I can gift
The cadmium sketchbook that I bought

I'm still waiting for the coral pain to stop in my heart
It's there for you, of that I have no doubt
And I'm still waiting for the laughter to return
To my life when we sort this out

I'm still waiting for the trip to the coast
The bergundy viking boat alight
And I'm still waiting for what will never be
But then again, it might.

You think you've got me tied to the ground
But darling- I'm free
I'm soaring, floating, flying far above
The land and  stormy sea

Past the clouds so grey and dull
Past dusk light atmosphere.
Oh dear sweet father of mine
I'm out the atmosphere.

You think that I'm tied down here,
Not allowed to leave the town.
But ******* *** you don't have a clue
That is the neighbour's kid that you tied down.

You couldn't tell the difference
*** you were so ******* high
That smell is all I know of you
And so my dear, goodbye.

No more crushed emotions
No more of that abuse
*** dear I am so strong now
That I'm no longer of use.

I'm the first in a line of sixty
Waiting to punch you in the face
But they might be dissapointed when after me
Your left in a neck brace.

You paid for karate lessons
Perhaps it was a mistake
Because I know more than you ever thought
And would **** you and leave no trace

The only problem with my  plan is that I won't break the law
But your killing yourself quite quick
And if thats what T-total looks like
Then I'll be an alcoholic I think

When I run I am free
Sport is synonymous with me
I don't care which game
Not one is lame
I am proud to play and to be

When they say its like a circle
And you're spinning in my head,
You're sitting on a roundabout
Painted pillarbox red.

It spins so fast and just keeps going
Until you are a blur,
Your beauty still distinctive
You make quite a stir.

Love. ****. Why you?
It could have been someone easy.

Barbed conflict in my heart, you or me or us?

It is only a dream, the magic we could be

I'm still waiting for your lips- reach up to mine

To forgive or not to forgive?
Logic says what you did was wrong
But love gives you another chance.

I'd like to think it was a one off thing
Just to try and impress me.
But the look on the officer's face said otherwise.

I saw regret in your eyes and thought
It was for what you did but it wasn't.
It was for getting caught.

Today I wanted to talk, but she was in the way.
Oh well, we still had a lovely day.
But you tried again- this time I stopped you.

I still want to talk so much
That the walls of my mind can hear nought else.
But dare i give you another chance?

You hurt me but I don't feel it.
Do I want to help because I care,
Or is it the other way round?

I used to think in blue and red,
Right or wrong, alive or dead.
Purple was just not there
Because you either did or didn't care.

But when you fall in love you see
The other colours, pink and green.
Then there's yellow, orange too
The world's a thousand different hues.

I almost asked a thousand times
How are you?
What are you up to?
Do anything right now?
But once is enough.

I almost poured my soul out to you
Can we talk?
Will you help me?
What should I do?
But I don't want to put you off.

I almost did it just there without asking
Kissed you.
Hugged you.
Whispered in your ear.
But I was too scared of rejection.

I almost solved the whole thing by text
Will you go out with me?
Is that a date?
Shall we give us a go?
But I like talking face to face.

When the almost girl worked up the courage was the day
The loved one wasn't were they should be.
I guess there's always tomorrow...

I almost asked a thousand times
How are you?
What are you up to?
Do anything right now?
But once is enough.

I almost poured my soul out to you
Can we talk?
Will you help me?
What should I do?
But I don't want to put you off.

I almost did it just there without asking
Kissed you.
Hugged you.
Whispered in your ear.
But I was too scared of rejection.

I almost

To describe love with a star is overused.
But to describe you- it's perfect.
Burnig brightly, far away from everyone else.
Your timing is unpredictable, but the event is for sure.
You support life- my life.
And when you begin to deflate, you rise again (made of heavier stuff)
Until you reach lead, pumping through your veins.

After the biggest explosion you are so beautiful.
Only your core remains for those who survived to see.
And if you pull in too quickly, you make a black hole, devouring yourself.

I imagine on the other side of the black hole to be a new world, inside your head.
I'm floating through space and I don't know where
So I wonder if I am there?

I sit in a dark, musty room, the smell of damp penetrating my right to my bone.
the familiar shadows and lighting comforts me as I sit in the chair, staring into the mirror
The distant screams from far below are all too loud, but the scrape of metal on stone is worse.
I can hear my favourite song playing, and the crunch of a car pulling up on the driveway
I stare out the tiny hole in the wall above, focusing on the feet scurrying around in an attempt to ignore the bloodstains on the floor.
one last time I gaze at the familiar room, which has been mine forever, and will be no more
The key scrapes in the lock and the gate sqeaks open.
my mum knocks on the door before popping her head around
It's time
Roughly, I am forced up and one set of shackles replaced with another.
she guides me out of the room, crying already.
Reaching the door to the world, a quiet warning is uttered before I am forced out into the bright sunlight.
mum shouts for my dad and together we climb into the car, on our way at last.
I haven't left that cell in 16 years.
My time in that house is over- now I'm 25.
Stumbling over the cobbles in the glare I was so unused to, I barely noticed the shouts from the crowd which had gathered.
Everyone cheered as I got out, but they sounded muffled, entirely unreal.
The block on which I placed my head was well bloodied, stained brown from years of use.
The aisle was smooth, worn by all those who came before me.
I paid my toll and the axeman said something to the crowd- I couldn't think because all I could see was a well dressed woman standing where my daughter said she'd be.
He stood there beside me, as did the priest in his ceremonial robe.
I realised that was my daughter- not the eleven year old I remembered, but a twenty seven year old with her own family.
And so I am passed from my father to my spouse.
I opened my mouth to call out to her, an-
"I do."
**I woke in a dead sweat, convinced that one must be true.

I guess i always wondered why
It was called heartache.
I guess i thought i knew on sunday when
It felt like a giant ice cube was glued to my chest
I guess i changed my mind when i worked out what
The numb feeling was in the rest of me
I guess the heart is just where
The pain starts to be felt
I guess that hardly anyone knows who
Causes me this pain
I guess that everybody knows how
Heartache comes from a broken heart

I guess I'm the only one that knows that I'm bot even broken,
I'm just a crystal that can't see if I have a crack or not.

I guess that light will appear
Tomorrow at school when we talk.

I tried not  to build the wall up
It just kinda happened
The way a chick suddenly realises
It's stuck in an egg.

I tried not to love you
Convince myself it was just friendship
That I craved
So deeply it hurt.

I tried to pretend it didn't hurt me
To hear you talk of her
And then when you stopped
To see the oceans you cried.

I tried not to secretly
Cry every tear you shed
Tried not to drench my pillow
So that I could wring the water from it.

I tried to be a good child so that
I would go unnoticed, uncriticised
I tried to shield my sister from the anger
That spread through the house

I tried to pretend I liked it,
Sitting alone at every break.
I tried to pretend that I wasn't an
Empty shell.

And to all those of you who out there
Live life trying- forget it.
You can try, but the try will fail
Crumble down when you think it worked.

The wall will be built
The tears noticed
So will you be.
They won't be protected
You will just get depressed
Your shell will be cracked
Like a fresh laid egg onto a concrete floor
From ten storeys up.

I think I thought I could save you
From yourself, from your troubles, from life.
And that maybe that would make you mine,
Help you to throw away the knife.
Forever.

I think I thought I would help you
Along self belief street.
But the daring darkness from your unconfidence
Is part of you, the one I loved to meet.
At first.

I think I realised I loved you
When I didn't care about your flaws.
I met all of you and cared for you,
As we ran through double doors.
Together.

I think I realised I clicked with you,
When you loved the same things as I.
You showed me new, and I looked at you,
And my whole heart leapt high.
In the air.

I think I knew I could trust you
When I came out to you and you didn't spread it.
We larked about for days on end,
In my arms, so well you fit.
So close.

I think I knew your importance
When you whirled around in my head.
You were all I could think of throughout the day,
And all night as I lay in bed.
Daydreaming.

I promised myself when I fell for you
That we could be friends if you didn't love me too.
Now I'm learning that's gonna be hard-
Harder than the diamond I want to give you.
But can't.

Before your first love you can't understand it,
I compared to my family but the shape doesn't fit.
They are triangles m'dear.
But my love for you is a circle, trying to fit in the square bit.
Oops.

When romance novels described bursting hearts
I know they felt life, about to restart.
But I also feel the oh so sharp pain,
Like being trampled by elephants pulling a cart.
Full of stones.

It's barely been four days
And I miss you.

I listen to a song
And I miss you.

I walk past where we met
And I miss you

I see the underage smokers
And I miss you.

I see the teen punks
And I miss you

I read any book
And I miss you

I daydream and it always is you
And I miss you.

I do the bus journey
And I miss you.

I scroll through Facebook
And I miss you.

I doodle a dragon
And I miss you.

I eat a glacier fruit mint
And I miss you.

I stare at my wardrobe
And I miss you.

I play video games
And I miss you.

I wander round town
And I miss you.

It seems like there's no escape
And I miss you.

I come running to the words
And I miss you

I wait for inspiration to strike
And you appear.

Yesterday I wrote of my best friend and I,
She is Peter the rock and I doubting Tom.
Now I begin to wonder if that is not quite such a metaphor,
For my heart hears doubt nearby- like a fuse heard by a bomb.

When I told my love that she was so,
She responded in kind.
But then something happened,
And doubt creeps into my mind.

On Saturday we did something stupid,
And she got grounded 'for a while'
But Facebook shows me photos of you out in town
And I want to run a mile

If I bury my head in the sand,
Maybe I'll forget what I saw.
Perhaps I'm making a huge deal of nothing,
Should I say no more?

I can't confront.

Chicken.

The doubt can dissolve my heart forever,
But at least it's better
                                      than no more you.

You said I was Alaska- its true
But I'm not gonna crash that car.
I replied 'then you're the Colonel'
And you're much better- by far.

You always said you were Lennie
And this I was George- the clever one.
But I am the fool and you are the brighter,
You'll be around when I'm gone.

You always thought you were Ron
And me Hermione- I guess so.
But then who's Harry- *** we're not gonna marry
It's you- you are the hero.

I reckon I'm Eragon- the wanna be warrior
With a lot to learn.
But I've Saphira by my side
Level-headed fun and stern.

I'm Frodo- I keep going,
But weakness roots in my heart
In you I have found my Sam,
Won't let me fall back to the start.

Asterix the bright and clever-
Always knows what to do.
I follow- a faithful Obelix,
I'll always look to you.

And if I am truly Odin then you are Asgard itself.
How many other ways can I describe our friendship?
Your are Peter the rock-
And I am Thomas the doubter.

Post filled with
3 part time jobs
All needed
And don't have to work in unity

Which is good because
1) is disapproving of
3) is jealous of
2) is wary of
1) is rude to
2)  thinks me foolish because I fell for
3) who fell for me

1) loves me unconditionally
2) and I are like sisters
3) and I love each other

Problem solved- demolishers found.

1)
She said happy and I burst into tears
They ran like they carried the worries I held
Wearing away the mortar of my wall

The bricks are still there but
You can remove with ease
Bombproof shelter  has breathing hole

2)
Entire section of wall removed
Door put in place for optional use
Copies of data discovered on a USB stick

I gazed into your eyes and my troubles melted away
I didn't even notice you take down the bombproof roof
Now I can see the stars

3)
Kind honesty heals me
Carefully the bricks are put into neat piles, sorted
For use as a garden feature

Sledghammer handed over
The dynamite put in place
The bombproof shelter is no more

I spent 13 years building a brick wall around myself
3 years building a bombproof shelter
I even added windows
To see the outside world.

But I forgot the fire exit
And now the fire's lit
The smoke is filling up my mind
Burning all of me.

Gone is the (com)passion
Gone the creativity
Gone the personality
Just bitter memories in their fireproof box.

Even as I build the bomb shelter
I scream for a way out
Searching for a weakness in the wall
That isn't there.

At least I painted the outside
Simple, bland, attractive
In universal white
So good, nice, boring.

Oh look, I'm stuck in the only corner left
Holding tattered fragments of burnt personality
Waiting for the fire to burn
Me up.

If I close my eyes and think of you
I can smell your scent
From a mere two days ago
The flutter in my heart follows

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the joints
That I identified aged 10
I try not to *****

If I close my eyes and think of my best friend
I can smell her perfume and washing powder
It makes me smile
And want a hug

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale beer
A middle of the night smell
It meant 'don't leave your room'

If I close my eyes and think of my mum
I smell safety and comfort
Strength and gravity
The balance keeps me strong

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the stale sweat
The cruel words of abuse
The hatred inside myself

If I close my eyes and think of my sister
I smell vanilla and style
Fashion and creativity
Sullen kindness

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I can smell the cold of the room
With its broken window in the arctic temperatures
The fire unlit because the marijuana needed somewhere to grow

If I close my eyes and think of school
I smell the comforting sawdust
The corridors familiar
The classrooms like home

If I close my eyes and think of my father
Not having friends round to tea- because.
16 not 6-  you can't buy my trust
16 not 46- don't want prayer flags for my birthday

If I close my eyes and think of home
I smell the damp washing hanging up
Every squeaky floorboard
Every drip, clank, comforting noise

If I close my eyes and think of my father
I smell the power he loved to have
How I haven't seen him in three years
The fear that still remains

If I close my eyes and think of myself
I smell nothing
Hear and see nothing
At that is what scares me the most.

When you stood in line
Clicked your heels and marched
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you ate your spongy bread
Drank coffee made from mud
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you stood there for days
Gangrene setting in
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you finally got the order
Nervous whispers all around
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you leapt over the barrier running like hell
Surrounded by friends dying
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you hit the floor to avoid a bomb
And held your breath as you lay sinking in the bog
Did you ever think that this would happen

When you hurdled barbed wire and corpses
Almost reaching the goal before being shot in the shoulder
Did you ever think that this would happen

When youre in your chair and the trauma returns
As you watch your grandson play soldiers
Did you ever think that this would happen
That it would be so bad?