I imagined you
Daydreamed you
All of you
Your beautious wonder
Your faults

I looked at you and you were the same
As I imagined you
I saw the real you

But in my head you
Kissed me

Why do they say knitting needles go 'click'?
It's more of a 'squeak', 'shuffle', 'tap', 'shuffle'.
Is it the same way that rain doesn't 'splash'?
It goes 'drop', 'plop', 'thud'.
These are the thoughts that rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

Thoughts aren't threads to be woven
They are patches to be stitched together- each one a new colour.
Grey is when my brain won't stop- the colour of school uniform.
White is when I'm scared and alone- an ethereal mist.
These are the thoughts that rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

Recently there's been a lot of green- warm and swirling like a gemstone.
It is like marble in its pattern, layers of shades overlapping.
That's what your patches are. And here I'm
Trying to not think of you but you rise to the top as I sit
And knit.

I notice a burnt orange- like lava bubbling over a cool skin.
That is quiet anger. Not at you.
Not at me for thinking of you.
At the one who thought I could stop.
It is impossible, especially when I don't want to stop as I sit
And knit.

Even as I tried to write a poem withought you.
I couldn't.
You're here again- and these are just the ones I wrote down.
All these thoughts of you rise to the top as i sit
And knit.

Put your troubles into something else.
Don't use that razor blade again.
Or the blunt scalpel you keep.
Or even that bent kitchen knife.

Put your troubles  into something else.
Leave the eyeliner on the shelf.
Leave the rubbers in the box.
Leave the earrings on the stand.

Put your troubles into something else.
How about the doodles you draw.
Or the stories that flow from your pen.
Even the paintings done at dawn.

Put your troubles into something else.
Maybe, even, me. I won't look at them.
I will gently untangle every one.
Trim them until they are all gone.

Put your troubles into something else.
Not a sealed chest.
Not a closed box.
Not a corked bottle.

Put your troubles into something else.
Let your mind be free.
Let your heart be free.
Let me be free.

Before it happened I was excited.
It was daring.
I could impress you like you impressed me.
Show you I was caring.

Before it happened I knew it wasn't going to work.
It was a nightmare.
We sat on the red plastic seats like at school.
People around us glanced and began to stare.

As it happened I only took six steps.
And then we were seen.
We went through the grey door, the evidence.
On the computer screen.

As it happened I told you I loved you.
You had noticed.
You hugged me with a tear in your eye
At that moment we felt the closest.

After it happened we walked out togeher, your arm around me.
Mine around your waist.
You claimed it was only you to blame as we were there.
Being encased.

After it happened you joked about always wanting to be here.
Just not on this side.
I hugged you tight and didn't want to let go.
And I cried inside.

Now its over I feel so ashamed.
I could've said no.
You would have thought no less of me.
Had i done so.

Now its over I lie here in my bed worrying that you'll look for.
The razors I hid.
Please don't. Talk to me and let me help you get through.
What we did.

As I sit on my bed
Hear the TV next door
Blaring some survival **** from the nineties

As the light begins to fade
I begin to squint
At the patches I'm sewing on an old shirt

As I look forward to the weekend
Plan what to do
As Sunday is the day that I'll have with you

As music swirls in my head
Tiredness setting in
After two weeks of exams without any breaks

All I can think of is you.

I know you don't like how I feel
But please try to remember that it's natural for
a thing like me.
No longer against the law

You gave me a heart of card
Inked your favourite lyric on it-
I tried to return one but its so hard.
I was too shy and now I feel like ****

Your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen
Yours are the lips that I want to kiss.
You could never be just another teen
But my courage is far down in the abyss.

Its not a problem when you're the only one there
I just don't want anyone else to see- quite yet.
I don't want them to bully you or to stare
But they're always around- since we met.

Please don't voice my greatest fear
Lest my circuitboard dies
Or I lose a gear
To the rivers of tears I will cry

There's nothing quite like
The s
         i
          n
             k
               i
                n
                   g
Feeling that you get
When you know you are second best
And there's nothing you can do to escape
But work.
Even harder in attempt to change it
But nothing will change.
And you put on your make up and
And the awful outfit that your mum bought you
Because maybe then
She'll say 'you look nice'.
From the kitchen you hear complaint.
Because doing the dishes at 7.30 am isn't a nice treat for her.
Because one cup gets put on the wrong shelf.
Oops.
Suddenly there's no point.
And as you s
                        i
                          n
         ­                    k
In your heart,
Suddenly you don't feel like going out.
You wipe off the makeup
The outfit becomes your comfy hoodie and jeans
There's no point because your on a
S
  I
   N
      K
         I
          N
             G
ship to nowhere

Oops. I promised myself not to think of you again
Its not a love triangle. We have a love chain.
I love you
But what can I do?
You love Alice
She knows, but you miss the malice
She loves Bunny
******* ******* biker sweet as honey
We all know about the White Rabbit
And the ***** with her heart breaking habit
But I say nothing to you, so you don't know
Of my heartache. I'm just a chicken with my shoelace bow.
The flower crown you begin for her lies gathering dust
In hope. To save our friendship- I think I must,
I stay silent, what happens if I'm not?
I can't escape you in my head because you're there a lot.
My palm tree has guessed I think
She is a out to speak- on the brink.
Mixed messages. AC electricity.
Like a spell you have an intoxicity
A Spine in the way
but he won't stay
I'm ****** if you see this though
Not literally but I wish it were so
When you know what I feel
I will risk a friendship- so real
I think of you like TNT
I could explode us or set you alight you see
But time is running out for us
To get our tickets for the sweetheart bus
Yes or No runs around in my head
What would you say- will I be dead?
Too shy to ask when it might be OK
Even if it's a no our friendship could stay.

I don't know what to do
With you

As I stand, sit, stand
Tears stream out of my eyes
Who are you?
Surrounded by love for you
I cry
Not for the stranger the lies behind the curtain
A corpse
But for those I love.
I love. Those who loved you.
Black surrounds me
Subdued colours
Black rustle, slink, stretch
Your picture stares out at us all as we sit
Stand,sit
Listen to a song I've never heard before
You loved it, its happy
I don't think you would have liked to see this
The crying. Grief surrounding your remains
I brought some flowers to put
On the plot where your ashes will be
But you didn't want anything
They are burnt alongside you
The memories aren't burnt. They remain
Brighter than before. Calendars and
Jumpers. Always too small but I wore them anyway.
I didn't know you, but
I miss you.

Blank inspiration
Morbid death
Grey skies, clothes
White paper
Exams fill brain
So much forgotten
Time to relax is gone
Try to remember
Full memory empty
Don't want to
No choice
Morbid
Desperate in life

language warning*

So what.
I am a person, with hobbies
Interests

We need labels to understand, but I don't remember anything about labels to discriminate.
How can a feminist be racist? Or any other paradox

They are just labels- to explain and no more. **** all of those *******

So... I'm bisexual
Shock!
Horror!

Nothing more anymore
Identity limited- Why the **** should it be?

To say that just one of my labels defines me, it makes me inferior- well that makes you as a ****

The Jewish labelled with their numbers- me with a word- do you see what you do to me
And to yourself.

Love.
It has made fools of us all, for centuries gone by. I am a fool.

The awkward smile
The absent-minded tucking of my hair behind my ear

I glow in her company

She is radiant, and it rubs off onto me a little when I am near her.
There must be a quote about that somewhere.

A fool I may be, but an honest fool
I see her faults

Selfharming and shoplifting,
But a thief with morals

How to say something?

Yes.
At sixteen I've never been kissed
Let alone gone further

For too long I was looking in the wrong area
But now I now who I am

I'm not going to pretend anymore
I'm finally going to be me

I would like to love another
And for them to love me

I'm ready, but I'm just too ******* shy
To make the first move

What happens if the friendship dissappears
Afterwards

I'm scared and frustrated but most of all I'm
Embarrassed.

Does she know what I'm thinking
Can she see it in my eyes
When she talks about Alice
A little bit of me dies

I weep but she doesn't see.

She's so beautiful but she doesn't know it
Her arm covered in lines of silvery white
They read 'dragon' again and again
When she walks in the room my heart soars like a kite

I head it so I don't embarrass her.

I have her gift that smells of her
Her picture in my head is what keeps my alive
Sometimes I sit and watch her draw
Good cop bad cop sketch book five

Just this year.

I have no shame of what I feel
But I can't confront those who will
The one I've told I think has guessed who
But if I tell others my grave is filled.

I'm not ready to die quite yet.

The friendzone is a danger
Which I am part of now
We have so much in common
Escape? Tell me how

I dare not break the bond we have.

I'm not stupid I know she has faults
But I admire each of them
Because she knows what they are
And to me they are gems

To be prized an not forgotton, but admired.

In turn she knows what I am like
How cruel I am to those I love
How I destroy all that I care about
Because I am a bomb and not a dove

Painted white to show my innocence

the utter hatred i felt in that moment how angry i was that she could bear to hurt someone else and not feel at all bad she thought that if you hurt someone they would still cone running back and i did i shouldnt have but i did because i had a sense of honour of duty to my family how stupid i was to think that i cared about someone who would happily see me die just to claim my belongings i thought she cared about me as i care about her but no she only pretends she does and as soon as mum has gone out she goes back to her true self just waiting to hurt me using any insult she knows will **** me a little bit inside my only sister supposedly a person to rely on a person to help me when i need it but no she just kept kicking me down until i could not get back up because i felt like everyone would do the same but no one saw her for who she was they only saw her outside the mask she put on to cover up what she was really like and to think i would have died to save her i still would because she is the favourite despite what anyone says she always will be the favourite because in their eyes she cant make a mistake in their eyes she is a goddess to be worshipped and if she says i deserve to die they will sen the assassin themselves not waiting to hear what i have to say i just want the quiet like the wind in the trees and the rain on a window pane all by myself but with friends nearby so my head cam explode in silence and i can feel peace without having to worship the goddess and feel sorry for her nonexistent injury and pretend she is kind or that she cares if i live or die and she is meant to love me and i her but just *** shes my sister it doesnt mean that we love each other i do deep down but it is hidden by the anger at the way she treats me and thinks pretending to be upset will gain her sympathy but i see through it even if mum doesnt and leaves me to grieve alone crying myself to sleep nobody knows i stay quiet so she doesnt hear me so i  don't wake her even though i shouldnt care but i still try to be kind and i say sorry when i get it wrong but no the goddess is too good for acknowledging injury to others either physical or mental she just doesnt care how anyone else feels how can she be so selfish or not be aware of the daggers she drives into me when she talks i can feel them stabbing into my heart leaving open wounds that will not heal just stay there until my whole heart is red raw and bleeding i must find a passion but what is there but a void of silence drown out the silence watch the snakes drown and cry as she disappears the snakes are all that is left medusa the gorgon once beautiful and clever but no longer the silence of the snakes has taken the beauty there is only cruel perfection perfection of the cruelest kind the silence hurts but the words hurt more the words hurt more

Drown out the silence
The snakes come whispering
Slithering
Drown it out with the noise
Tiny quiet close and loud
Drown out the words
The snakes
Hide very still hearing the silence
Imagine the noise to drown the snakes
A wave of sound drowning
I drown in the silence and see
Imagine
The snakes as they drown
They are still here
Creeping in through the cracks of quiet noise
What do the snakes say
They say nothing nothing
It all means something
No noise messages
The silence hurts but the words hurt more
What heart do the snakes have it is all gone only cruel carved stone
What heart do i have it is gone torn apart into silence
Let the tears come
Slow like the thunder
Quiet like the eye of a storm
Loud as the screams I hear
The screams that are mine
As i try to drown out the silence
Scream scream but only I can hear

The snakes still live but protect me not harm me
They surround me like a living shield
And i begin to be proud of them
In my green glowing underwater haven
They whisper but i cannot hear
I  don't need to
Most are gone and the few that remain
I know where they come from and who to blame
For the fact they have to stay
Slithering whispering
Drowned out by the lake
Not my snakes but anothers words
In the guise of my symbol
The sorcery comes from my mothers words
Slippery sliding
Venom from a saviour
Like a traitor
Rats squeak
Scurry
Scatter
For snakes eat rats and they protect me
Rats and words
Words and rats
My snakes protect me
Her cats protect her
And then there is the mouse queen
Almost all good but gets nothing done
Doesn't know of the rats of her right hand man
Voice uses them
Betrayers
Do no good

Time goes slowly, time goes fast
Life doesn't last.
The wheel of fortune doesn't stay the same
Father Time isn't tame.
Friends back-stab at the base
You always come last in the race
Lady luck is at the top,
You feel your luck will never stop
Then, back round you go,
everything stops being just so.
Death will come,
At the bottom it's gruesome.
At the top it's calm,
Floating away in Lady Luck's palm.
When you join the dance
Is completely chance
Some are born up at the top
Luck in life that doesn't stop.
Some are shoved onto the ground,
Fated to be lost not found.
Time goes slowly, time goes fast,
Life doesn't last.

When I wake, when I work,
When I sleep, when I shirk,
Always putting on an act
Nobody can see the facts

On occasion, more now than then,
I pick up pencil, pick up pen,
And try to drop the cloak of bliss,
And enter into the abyss.

To open up, to feel my pain,
To feel my loss, to feel my gain.
I think of all the ones I knew,
Alive and dead, non- human too.

Some did choose to leave my life,
To bide their time and twist the knife,
I could think of them at any hour,
But only fear and grief would flower.

Some of them aim to patronize,
And so a plan they do devise,
To draw you in with gifts and treats,
They do you harm, then this trick they repeat.

But they see through half-blind eyes!
I am not clueless! I see their guise!
When this trick it does not work,
They seem insane, they go berserk.

I put on a brave face by day,
To hide the fact I'm feeling grey.
All washed out, not even blue,
My facade is fragile, but it will do.

If I ever am repaired,
If for a moment someone cared,
Then I will be back, this time fighting,
Fists for punching, teeth for biting.

My cloak of bliss, cover me up,
Horse of happiness, you are to gallop.
If my cloak should not exist,
Then peace shall be of what I consist.

When I wake, when I work,
When I sleep, when I shirk,
Always putting on an act
Nobody can see the facts

You think its important, until its your turn,
Until they want you, the witch can burn.
Its not your problem, why should you care?
Their privacy gone, their life laid out bare.
But when it comes to you, your life,
You wish it was different, not you under the knife.
Under the light, for all to see,
Its wrong if its you, as wrong as can be.
Why are you different, why should you be hidden?
when scrutiny comes, you go if you're bidden.
Nobody's different, poor or rich,
Eventually everybody's in the ditch.
You hide at the edge, ready to flee,
You think, 'its wrong!', it can't be me!
The hole gets bigger, comes nearer,
the reflection in the mirror gets clearer.
The sun gets hidden, the darkness comes out,
The angels are lost, the devils come out.
You think its important, until its your turn,
Until they want you, the witch can burn.

You're kicked to the dirt so you pick yourself up,
You're given ***** water so you get a fresh cup.
You're always put down so you grin and smile.
You're bullied for your clothes so you change your style.

Then every so often they start being nice,
To hide from their friends their heart of ice.
You think they might keep up the pretense,
Until they cross back over the fence.

Then one day, you just snap,
You can't take it anymore so you start to fight back.
You want your identity, not to be hidden,
To show how you feel, not to be forbidden.

You can never be free from thought,
Your memories can not be fought,
but you can choose to move forwards or not,
So you can be happy and let them rot.

Don't let yourself be kicked to the dirt,
Don't accept ***** water; it will only hurt.
Tell somebody if you feel put down,
And keep your style even if they frown.

When you make friends, they aren't always nice,
Sometimes they prove to be only a vice.
And then there's one, or maybe two,
Who throughout your life, are always there for you.

There is one friend I have, who I hold near my heart ,
We're joined at the hip, we're never apart.
She and I, we rarely disagree,
We're always together, I can guarantee.

If my life was the price then she would be saved,
If my death would free her then her path would be paved.
If her freedom gained meant mine to be lost,
Then I wouldn't think twice about the cost.

There is one friend I have, who I hold near my heart ,
We're joined at the hip, we're never apart.
We may be in body, but never in mind,
We could find each other if we were blind.

On that day, when I moved no more,
The sunset carried me through heavens door.
I never thought that heaven was real,
Now I knew what sunsets concealed

As the sun goes down, the sky comes alive
Bathed in light, everything thrives.
Animals are heading home, petals close, lights come on,
As the sun sets, all golden light, for owls and bats, the hunt is on.

Sunsets, I died so I could see once more,
That golden gate, heavens door.
Upon my tombstone all I wish,
A sunset served up on a dish.

You are the friend it took me years to find,
Now I can leave the past behind,
You led me through darkness to light,
Never complaining, you never took flight.
I want to return the help you gave,
though it may take me to my grave.
Though we argue now and then,
You are a friend, and friend again,
You will be. For you are the one who chose to be,
such a very good friend to me.

When I was young I knew no bad,
Mostly happy, rarely sad.
The world was only a happy place,
Always a smile on my face.
I grew a little older, a little more wise,
I knew that my happiness was built on lies.
So I grew up, an adult by ten,
I learn't to avoid the dragons den.
I thought that I made a grave error,
When I dared to challenge the terror.
But then I realized something key,
the terror could only shout at me,
This terrified me as a child,
but now it did not seem so wild.
I was deadlier than he,
who had long ago been a threat to me.
The shouting covered up a madness,
So when it went I felt no sadness.

He thought that I was blind to it all,
That I thought he could not fall.
He never thought to stop and think,
To see that I could make the link.
So he never thought i knew
That he had a mental blue,
But he denied it for so long,
I knew it all and he was wrong.
He hurt me in a life-long way,
A mental scar that will always stay.
Denied his strange mentality,
Which gave him his verbal brutality
If you read this, and you are he,
Then give me time to just be me,
And adjust to a stress-free life
Without your harm and without the strife.
You're always there, on my case,
If you weren't then seeing you I would embrace,
I'm still too angry, it's still fresh in my mind,
I can't yet leave the past behind.
He thought that I was blind to it all,
That I thought he could not fall.

"You're not old enough" is all you hear,
"You're too young to be of any use".
Well, this is what I say to you:
"Don't listen to those well meaning, completely decieving, treacherous, think their better than us, we're old enough to understand, we've got your life all planned, so clever their dumb, brain cells and heart gone numb, big language they think you don't know, force you to follow them wherever they go, say its french if they swear, don't let your clothes tear, people that we trust in called grown ups.
You don't get on in life by listening to them, but by being:
Quite resourceful, only a little forceful, polite to those in power, never at all sour, an example of a good mix of words and fists, believing only in what exists, reasonably bold, young at heart not old, elegant whil still practical, clever and tactical, but most of all by being YOU and ignoring people unless they actually make sense for once!

Nothing all gone
Nonsense no sense
Backwards
Upside down empty
Brain cant stop
Too much nothing
Packed tight empty space
Everything gone
Still there can't find it
Mixed up confused
Hidden in plain view
Stay still keep moving
Never existed far away
Cant reach too bright
White noise empty space
Silence too loud
Nonsense moronic ox
Death divorce illness stress
Madness
Wont go away isnt here
Missing but not gone
Crowding around
one big lump of busy emptines
Scared it wont stop
The noise and the panic

Teenager
Child in a body too big
Grown up too small
Confused and complicated
Life used to be simple
Grown up so fast that i  don't recognise myself
I can hide from myself inside my brain
Don't let the madness show
The confusion and sadness and madness

Dont let hem worry about you

Never been kissed well thats just sad
No friends out of school thats just sad
Never had a boyfriend thats just sad
Confused mad me? Im just sad.

Nothing you can do to change it
Don't trust anyone too much hurt
Want to trust but cant

Don't understand emotions only ok or wrong
Cant turn my brain off
Don't understand why to look at people when i talk to them
Often too absorbed to hear anyone
Bright light
Cant handle its too much
Too logical
Bright enough to hide these difficulties
Don't let anyone worry

I cant deal with it anymore
Just want to cry in someones arms
I cant break down too much responsibility
Too much pressure
EXAMS DIVORCE MADNESS
I am broken
Trying to patch up as the inside crumbles
No inside left to hide
No outside to hold the patches
I am broken and confused and sad and mad

Just another teenager in the street
I dont stand out unless you know me
Except for not looking like a ****
I  don't dye my hair or use fake tan
I never wear more than a little mascara
No tiny shorts or big hair
No push up bra or revealing top
Just sad mad me in hoodie and jeans
Wearing converse because theyre comfy not because theyre cool

I am b r o k e n cunfosde and mmmmaaaaadddd me and i cant take it anymore.

As the lone tear falls down my cheek
My barricade crumbles.
The dam bursts, first a trickle, then a flood
All the sadness rushes out
As the mask protecting me buckles,
Crumbles under the strain.

When someone dies you hide the grief,
Store it until the right moment.
Wait for the funeral service.

An empty bank of words in my head now.
Everything there but nothing visible,
Like a bad filing system with no order.
You cant find what you want
Express it all wrong.

That is what has happened here,
But it has to be expressed or I will explode

How?
Your best friend's secret
They share, and you cry inside.
You can't repeat it back,
You can't say that
Was what you wanted to say.
Can't diminish their feelings
Or think you were joking,
To make them feel ok. The kind
Of joke which isn't funny, just
Discounts their secret completely.

The secret you both share,
But you are alone. They have you,
You have nobody to turn to.
You lied to them before,
But not again.
Truth will out, but where and how?
Missed your chance to explain,
Waiting is agony.

My world breaks, shatters like a glass sphere.
   A fragile globe, damaged beyond repair.
      And all this happened to my world,
            because of a couple of words.
              One idiot and their mouth
                   ruined my life with
                      the words they
                              spoke.
                        They pressed
                    delete on my story
               of everything I knew about
         in the entire world by speaking out
     I heard them say something which killed
  All my faith and courage, all I comprehended.
Someone honest said that I should not live but die.