I realized for the first time today that you’ll never see me flick my turn signal on from the inside of my car. Your music will never play from my speakers and you’ll never sit shotgun in the car I finally own. You’ll never place your hand on my thigh while I drive.
sometimes I see your ghost looking at me from my passenger seat, we both look at each other knowingly and nod our heads. Knowing what we want is the exact opposite of what we have.
You have her.
I have him.
And they sing to our souls, but we both can’t forget how I’d dance on your feet.

I feel stranded and I feel watched.
Like a prisoner.
I hate it.

I open this door in front of me
it opens to the room I had when I was four maybe three
the walls are painted lilac and I count the beds in the room
one,
two,
three
for me and my two older sisters their names are Rachel and Brittany

I hear a giggle and look down
it's me as a little girl and oh my god that's right, my hair was a lighter shade of brown
she has on her princess sleeping gown and tells me "Here, follow me, I'll show you around, it's nighttime now or I'd ask mommy if we could go to the playground"

we're playing with her toys and she tells me "you look sorta familiar" I smile and ask her "do you think we look kinda similar?" I see her eyes moving and her brain searching her mind's perimeter she says "a little, can you tell me your name? I'm a good listener"
"I'm you from a time yet to come" I say sweetly just above a whisper, she climbs into my arms and on her forehead I kiss her

I tell her all the wonders she will see, who not to trust and all the amazing people she will meet, I tell her that some things never change; like how we still love to walk in our bare feet and how people still tell us "no one I've ever met before has been this sweet" I tell her there will be things you feel are left unsaid and incomplete and there will be times where you're biggest strength is to know when to retreat, and oh... you're going to fall deeply in love with a man, he's a musician and both his heart and drum play to their own beat, she sings with excitement "I cant wait to be older!! I've always wondered what kind of girl I'll be!!!" I look at her lovingly "you will grow into your power and strength- you are the rarest pearl from the sea- your life will be an amazing one, I love you and it's time for me to leave, but know I'm so proud of all the things you will achieve, your life will flourish sweet girl, you're in for such a treat"

Sometimes I lack feeling
I see a memory in my head and say "sadness and I were never friends"
but the truth is
Sadness and I were lovers
Tangled in sheets together
Sadness and I had pillow talk and night time kisses
Sadness knew every inch of my body
Sadness knew how to stick around
Sadness had a way of saying my name so sweet
but Sadness doesn't really touch me now... or not how it used to... Sadness seems far away like an estranged lover leaving at the end of august
Sadness feels like it's behind a piece of glass either as painting held behind a museum display case
or
as the figure I see through the local coffee shop window
Sadness doesn't sink into bed with me anymore already undressed Sadness doesn't look deeply into my eyes and say "I'm yours forever anymore"
Sadness doesn't touch my skin and melt into me anymore
Sadness doesn't send me perfumed love letters with personalized stationary anymore
Sadness and I don't speak much anymore
So yes sadness and I were lovers
but were sadness and I ever really friends?

You've found the girl you're gonna marry, it killed me.

If I pop this little pill I'll be able to get all my work done. Am I opening a door? One I cannot close? Walk with me as we venture through this together.

Breathe.

"be careful with me"

I remember saying to you

"because I break easily"

but like a child playing in their yard you kicked me around like a ***** ball

looking up at the sky I've started to wonder why I'm spending all my time running around with you

lying on my back I'm bracing for the impact of your next kick

because this is child's play

in a realm with no rules

so you can do whatever you want

and I'll just be here

hoping it will be different tomorrow

I stayed out late
I burned my throat with smoke and stumbled over sidewalk cracks. I woke up in pain and tears but I always cracked another beer. I said "i'm great! How are you?" With the most convincing of smiles and the sweetest honey suckle laugh, I almost felt high hiding behind this mask. I feel as if there's a big secret and I'm the last to know. Our friends are older now, some even have kids to watch grow. I wonder where we'll fall in line, or if we'll continue to dance over it like we have for years; i wish we could sway to a different tune

Does reading my words make you feel things you wish you could alter?
I know you hate to know this but I've kept the truths of what you've all done watered
and yes on your side of the fence by your hands the roots were slaughtered
you all screamed my name with each of my innocent saplings you hacked and quartered

but that was only half of them, you all missed some in the corner, so now ladies and gentlemen ready yourselves for a tour to behold this tortured orchard

where the fruit rots and the fruit spoils
where the tree limbs twist and the tree limbs coil
where the ground has shards of glass and shrapnel in the soil
where the sun's so hot every drop of rain and dew begin to boil

liars and thieves
liars and thieves
the invaders who brought the plague that burned the leaves and replaced each of my succulent crops with piles and piles of thorny weeds
you all tried to force the fruit down my throat grown from your poisonous seeds
I realized now not everything that says it's human and has a heart bleeds

you guys who sniffed things through a cut straw that looked like powered chalk
you girls who'd give ***** looks and lift your hands to hide your lips as you talked
learn to keep my name out your mouth and to leave my page unstalked
cause if y'all can't stand me why do you stay looking at my posts from an account with an @ like a bot?

How does it feel? to know I remember the things you forgot
to know he's truly just my friend but has more fun with me than you even when you're giving him backshots
I laughed at you and found it really pathetic how you made your friend check my tiktoks
and honey... that natural deodorant doesn't work for you, even week old dead fish smell better at any fish mongers dock

The girl who had mice feet running over her children's silverware, your husband's a ***** and so are you if you're unaware
For fun you drink nyquil and it's not less ****** sipped out of earthenware
you used to say "I hate him this time of year, even the way he stupidly stares"
well this is the rest of your life honey, aren't you scared? and also if no one's told you please stop cutting your kids hair

And the ex I spoke to last November, I asked if you were excited to marry her, do you remember? well you left me shocked when your answer wasn't yes because with her in life you want to forever venture, my jaw dropped when the only thing you said you were excited for was being a child's predecessor and I hope you know one of my life's biggest treasures is knowing it wont be my precious blood that's shed to give you a successor. Oh, and your wife knows we talked, right? You did happen to tell her?

Either I've added to the lore or I've been talking to a wall, either way- you all make sure you come back to visit and take another tour of the tortured orchard next fall.

"Next patient, please!"  the night nurse says, hair red and teased
she takes one look at me and says "you're barely in one piece... you're right for coming to the Hospital for broken hearts, sweetie- you'll be seen in a minute, fill out these forms and have a seat"

The papers ask for his name and the color of his eyes
it asks when I knew I loved him and if I knew how much he'd lie
it asks me to tell them in detail the first time I touched him and I think about how it was his thigh- it's hard to read the questions when these tears are blurring my eyes- looking at what I've written... I can't believe this is the same guy

The wounds I have are so severe
you would think I got them from falling ten stories swinging from a chandelier
and when the doctors ask me "how exactly did this happen?" with nothing in their eyes but fear
I'll say "I fell in love with a boy, he said he'd make me a wife and a mother and we'd grow old together over the years"
but their eyes will soften, they'll put down the machine that makes them say "clear!" and say "oh sweetheart, you fell for the oldest trick in the book and the smoke in the mirror"

and as I'm being stitched back together
I'll think of how I truly did want to be with you forever
I'll think of all the ways you could've been better and all the times I lost my temper
I'll think of the rising and falling of our chests and all the pleasure
and how it was so hot it smoldered like embers
I'll think of when it was just me and you- or at least try to remember.

solution trickling intravenously like these memories of whispers and fingertips touching my skin in the dark
memories of  how even when given all the answers we'd still miss the mark
wishing I could pick up the phone and call Florida and ask to speak to Kathryn Stark
wishing we could go back to that night in August when we first kissed in the park

The doctor just left, I got my diagnosis
I covered my ears because I wasn't ready to know it
we will never move as two and one again smoothly like osmosis

I was told  I will never recover to ever be strong enough to be your lover, and in a fraction of a second I felt every cell in me start to rupture

There is no ifs or when
now all that's left is thoughts said in pasted tense
all that's left between us is talking about "back then"

I'll disappear into the ether from whence I came
but please don't forget my smile, my laugh, the way my hair smelled or how you kissed me in the rain and also please don't forget the flame that kept us plenty warm for 1,946 days

What am I doing?
Chasing after boys with my bleeding heart in hand.
Asking them to show me music, “what’s your favorite band?”
I want to know what moves them, what makes them sway, and bend.
I’m hoping it’ll interest me, and lead me to their bed.
These thoughts that I have, the ones that circle in my head, have now created craters that no longer seem to end.
“One day” I whisper to myself, I won’t have to lend, my heart and thoughts to strangers, I’ll be whole instead.
But until then I promise to tread as lightly as possible, and I’ll repeat what I said; “living this life isn’t easy, but I’ll pay the price if need be.”

waking up with the morning sun

makeup still on from the night before

eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep

"it's too early for this" I mutter as I lay tangled in these raspberry colored sheets, tossing and turning hoping to shade myself from any glimmer of responsibility

but it doesn't work

mutual confusion

mutual pain

we've been here countless times before

I had work in the morning, and it was nearly 6am

it was too early in the morning

but we stayed up and talked instead of going to bed

can you tell me with your lips how your eyes perceive me?
do you see me as an intricate basket with colorful beads?
done so by ancient hands so expertly weaved?
can you tell me the secrets of the soil that clasps the roots of the trees?
can you tell me all the names and whispers you hear in the breeze?
can you tell me how you always know the ice is thick enough to walk on after the winter's fourth freeze?

can you tell me how your eyes always know how to find me through a drunken crowd?
even through all the smoke from the hundreds of people creating this dust cloud
can you tell me how you always know when I'm saying things out loud?
even when the music is blaring
and the bartenders can't read the words people have mouthed
and say "sorry, if you want a drink you'll need to shout"
can you tell me why you smile when I lean out the window as you drive over and over again circling this roundabout?

Can you tell me how you've always known the tone of my breath and the song of my soul?
Can you tell me why somedays it feels like our first time meeting at a school dance back in the days of old?
Can you see us standing at the table with the snacks and the spiked fruit punch bowl?
Can you see me trying to catch the words of this song in whole? they're playing this new type of music, "have you heard it before? you ask me, they call it rock'n'roll"
Can you tell me you'll walk me home? hold my hand like it's the first time and forget I live just three houses past the big light pole?
Can we keep talking and maybe kiss at the end of this stroll?
"Can you tell me something about you?" I ask because knowing you deeper is a different type of beauty to behold
I smile as you tell me "I always loved when my aunt would make her thanksgiving broccoli and cheddar casserole"

Can you tell me how with you nothing feels like sin
even when your lips trace over every inch of my skin?
Can you tell me how you know to always lift my chin
to look you in the eyes even when the woes wear on me from where I've been?
Can you tell me how you felt about me when you watched me order a cocktail with my favorite gin?
but now Can I tell you how long I've I loved you? it's actually long before I even knew our time together would begin

Anxiety is spending three hours getting ready for your Valentine's day dinner and crying it all away.

Time is such a precious thing
I cannot believe I haven’t written about it before
How beautiful it is when the minutes thin, and the hours pass
Waiting; however, is a different matter
One that requires patience
I’m afraid I’m losing my patience with you