"We'll just be friends" you said hours ago and I agreed, and although that line was banging on the inside of my head, I ignored it and kissed you harder. I loved the look in your eyes when you said "you can be doing this or we could be doing something else" and I just followed you back to the room where your hands engulfed me and your lips brought back these all too familiar feelings. After you woke up you grabbed me and pulled me towards you- I couldn't help but smile, I was so happy, ******* you on this cloudy Sunday morning made me feel whole and I haven't felt like that in so long. I hate the fact I let you touch me, but **** it I couldn't help it.

My body misses its keeper. My skin misses the grooves of your fingertips. You did exactly what you needed to, your job here is done- on to the next person who needs you, maybe you'll find you need them too, and that scares me half to death. When I'm 50 I'll go through these pages and see how many of them are filled with words of you, and maybe I'll pick up the phone, and dial your number, and maybe then that'll be our time; but till then I'm sleeping in a bed alone, with my love away on another planet in another universe trying to find his own. I crave the day I wake up and don't compare the beauty of a new day to the color of your eyes, or the feeling of running my fingers through the deep August grass to them tangled in your hair. I will try to not associate the sight of crushed beer cans, the smell of burnt firewood, the birds morning songs to all the drunken nights turned mornings when we crawled from our tents and craved coffee with our cigarettes. Pass the cream, wont ya sugar?

"can I see you tonight?"

already **** well knowing what the answer will be.

still I ask,

because I don't think you know what you do to me, tracing the grain of your skin... you don't know how long I've waited for you, I'd pass the time drinking gin.

you used to move me
like sweet notes sung by a violin
but I can't wait forever,
my patience is wearing thin.

walking on these egg shells, trying not to crack
when all I want to do is yell
"you're absolutely crushing my heart, please give it back."

"I didn't think to ask"
you say; isn't that such a shame?
when you look can't you see the discrepancies between us?
does it not shake and rattle your brain?

I wouldn't think twice to climb a mountain for you in the pouring rain,
but honestly, sweetheart...
I don't think you'd do the same.

and that's alright,
because this is my domain,
I now make the rules to this game.

things will be different, I'm not going to lie.

this is what happens when I'm made to color inside the lines.

There we were, slowly kissing, hands finding their old familiar places. Your mind is as quick as a whip, and has the sting of one too. Your words slide off your silver tongue and into my fresh water river. I pause and take a break only to be left on the edge of the bed crying into my water cup, with you there, back turned- you're cold. You're cold and prideful, didn't I know this? Didnt I know this before climbing back into bed with you, you sly snake devil with blue eyes. You have left me with a hoarse throat, a battered heart, and a dry empty river bed. One day I will flourish again.

Accepting the fact that this isn't love just appreciation honestly kills me. You say I'm your sunset, but I'm really just your breath when it's cold out.

Please grandfather time slow down, there's no need to rush, you've got some years on your bones. Allow time to sit and catch its breath for a minute, allow time to move as fast as molasses in the fall. If he had the time he'd think of me, so please grandfather time slow down. He forgets me with each passing day, he forgets the times I made him question his logic, he forgets why he loved me, he forgets me entirely. So grandfather time please slow down, and let the memory of my touch be engrained in him forever.

It's 1:43 a.m. on a Monday, a week ago at this time exactly I was in your arms.
I understand.
A love like no other, destined to end, an elixir we cheered to the moon with seeps down our smoke burned throats; my life forever changed from that night on. A burden most heavy lay upon my chest at night, like a dog to it's bed, it lays there throwing its exhaustion of self-hatred and loneliness in my face. The thought most rejected and welcomed, a bottle rocket in the night sky, you are the feeling of picking the right answer. You are the feeling of drawing the short stick. Your words bouncing around in my head like noisy upstairs neighbors unwilling to settle down, causing this emotional insomnia. So I'll pour a drink to have a dream, but I know ill see you there.

I’m chasing the sun as it falls beneath the mountains.
Disappointment fills me.
“I will wait” I say longingly,
I will wait for spring to bring the flowers that fill the air so sweetly.
I will wait for summer’s deep kiss that turns my skin into honey.
I will wait for the warm river water,
and the temperate breeze.
I will wait for the sun to return to me.

The cherry of my cigarette keeps me hopeful for summer, I walk outside in the cold looking for something to fill these pages. Anything. This lack of inspiration has me walking through the woods in the dead of winter, this lack of inspiration has me sleeping in his bed. This lack of inspiration has me sitting at the bar asking for a double gin and soda with lime, please.

You shake and rattle my brain and I curse you under my breath for it.
You stand there intrigued and evaulating why I came to the decision I did.
You ask to see me "only platonically" I say, but you dont mind. I leap for a kiss and I can almost feel your lips on mine... But alas this was just a dream. See I can't understand why you're stuck in my brain like a semiconductive device, no matter how far I travel you always find me. I know I'm the last thing on your mind, I know the thought of my smile doesn't send chills down your spine, I know the pure thought of seeing me does nothing to the butterflies in your belly, for they fall asleep when you think of me.
I know I am of the lucky few to have found a true love after you, one that braids flowers in my hair, and yet I still miss the way your thorns would ***** my skin.
We've ended with a million words and miles between us, I wonder if you dream of me. I'll smoke a cigarette on the way and another one when I get there, wherever that may be. I'm losing the memory of you and it feels foreign to not wear your name anymore, 36 months since and I am simply forgetting how your fingertips swirled my skin; I want to remember. Every improvement I make on this journey without you is wrecked by your ever constant loop around my mind, like the sun's rotation around the earth, there you are again.

Our encounters have become few and far between, I don't wake to find myself in your bed anymore. I haven't felt awake since you last held me, I'm begging my mind to grasp hold of our memories and not let them free for fear of losing them. I remember when I wanted nothing more than to forget your voice, your touch, your laugh. I wanted so badly to forget how well you whistled a tune and how my head laying on your chest made me feel regal.

The bittersweet essence of you still lingers on my tongue, can you feel my kisses on your cigarette burns? Can you remember the smell of my hair and how the curves of my waist made my shudder? Can you remember what it was like to completely consume me with just a kiss? Can you remember my laugh? Will you ever find me again?

I remember when I was fresh and crisp like orange peel

now I sit and wonder "when will these aching bones finally heal?"

I used to be as strong as tungsten steel

now I'm realizing

I am my own Achilles' heel.

the records of my memory are quickly sealed,

pieces of myself are now completely concealed,

getting to them is like walking through a minefield.

yet still I tiptoe

through this treacherous land

it's so dark, I cant even see my own hands.

nevertheless I wander through the sands of time,

even though in this world I'm completely blind.

because I will not leave myself behind,

even in my current state of mind,

it is myself I will find.

I cannot get enough of you, I cannot get enough of the way you sing in the car, I cannot get enough of your hands on the steering wheel, I cannot get enough of your hands on my thigh, I cannot get enough of feeling your bare shoulders and messy hair in the dark, I can't get enough of your lips on mine and the way you kiss my face when I'm asleep, I can't get enough of how protected I feel when you wrap your arms around me, I can't get enough of how my arms tossed around your neck with my lips on yours feel as normal as the sun coming up every morning. There was a rocky beach with a raging sea inside of me, there's a constant storm that everyday took control and ceased to end. The day you resisted the winds and waves of my raging sea and called me beautiful in the middle of it all was the day you calmed my sea and softened my shore.