i isolate myself in my room and keep the lights turned low
the love i create within myself dissipates every time i breathe
you are only a figment of my imagination
my mind is the only solace even though she screams at me
i fall in love in seconds but i don't know what love is
the little girl i am knows nothing of this world
i can't live on my own
independence has never been taught to me
the only way i can stabilize is if i drown myself in concrete
who i am is not known
and who i am not is alone

i would always choke on the sweet liquid you poured into my mouth because it was just as bitter as the words you spoke
if you were to choose who you loved, i knew to reassure you it wouldn't be me
we both knew, it was surely not a surprise
when it became cold, we took off our clothes, but that was nothing new
i remember your touch but it wasn't soft, it was more of a sting
i promised i would never really love you and you would never really choose me
it's fair because we both knew
but it's almost as if the water we both swallowed was glass and the blood we would spit down each other's throats was glitter
but we both knew
you knew and i knew
we truly both knew
and i promise that i will never love you because i just won't
and that's fine because you knew
we both have always known that in our veins was hatred and i would never ******* love you

please don't read my thoughts
there is so much you don't want to know
it's dark and it's crowded and it's not healthy

someone else in my head speaks for me
please pretend you can't hear what they say
i can't speak out loud when i can't see

i don't feel this way
i don't feel it
these are not mine

please just don't read my thoughts

I get jealous even though I don't really want your attention,
but I want you to only think of me.
I get jealous that I can't be there like everyone else is,
but you don't even talk to me anymore.
I get jealous you're allowed to fall in love,
but I am not
I get jealous of how selfish you are,
because this is not about you,
but about everyone

i can't concentrate anymore
because all i think about
is your smile
and laugh
that no longer belong to me

i can't focus on anything
because all i see in my mind
is you saying goodbye
and leaving
after you promised to stay

i've learned,
that by leaving,
no one will remember
who i am
or who i could be

i broke my own heart
by wanting you
when you wanted her

even if the name is not yours,
it still belongs to you

i've gasped enough of the air you breathe
to know that you will always choose
to suffocate me

the red string was cut by your shaking hands
and while i sat there watching the string fall
i wondered to myself
"what have i done"

our fate was set by a being we don't know
but you took my chances away
so i thought to myself
"who will love me now"

you pulse through my skin

you spill out of my eyes

you grow inside my lungs

you strain my movements

you lock yourself against my chest

i am filled with burning hatred
corrupted by isolation

torn down by satanic nails
cat scratches and bites of a tiger

my nose bleeds black
eyes glossed over with open veins

the lungs i've built to perfection
have been covered in chains

do not confuse who i am
because i am no longer soft

he ruined my smooth skin
and replaced it with thorns

you don't look me in the eye
when you say you love me
anymore

yet i will continue to wait
for the day you smile again
at me

just like the days
you truly wanted me

i crave you so much
my lungs can't breathe at night

the wanting and waiting
are taking over my sanity

i want to feel your fingertips
on my skin and in my chest

why don't you need me as much
as i need you

such a small body
made of sand and paper

frail bones and sticky fingers
with brittle nails and thin hair

such a small body
made of clouds and cloth

shrunken brain and smooth skin
with falling lashes and peeled lips

such a small body
a body made to break

i wants someone to like me
i want the care and affection that comes from love

i want to not feel alone
i want someone to be nice to me too

i thought i caught you
and instead you caught me
but you're loosening your grip
and i'm slipping down
but i can't grab onto you
because you're purposely letting me go
and i can't tell you to bring me back
because you're not ready for me
and you'll never catch me again

i miss the way we first met

i miss the way you treated me like a doll

i miss the subtle flirting words

i miss the times we forgot anyone else was in the room

i miss the crumble of my heart when you were sweet

why did you stop talking

do i know you

your breath is like ice
though i cannot feel it

your skin is like stone
though i cannot touch you

the meaning of beauty are
bones without skin

he laid me down
and ****** my breath away
with his ***** lips

your warm breath against
my skin
your fingers tracing my ******* roughly

one of your hands move
lower
intruding my space

this is not right
i do not want you here
i do not want you in my body

i say nothing
hoping you would read my mind
take a hint from my pleading eyes

my insides curl
as you take away my innocence

i am no longer myself
who i am...
is you

A puzzle is easy to take apart but hard to put together
The bigger the puzzle the more frustrating it gets
And sometimes we give up on the challenge

I am a puzzle
A one thousand piece puzzle

I gave up on putting myself back together
Too many missing pieces
Too hard of a challenge

love
i wonder if it really exists

love was just a word
created by people
to justify their actions
used to hide behind lies

love is just an excuse to do horrible things

love
*i wonder if it really exists

I write these words because they make me something.
For in real life, I am nothing.

It's starting to get cold outside

Leaves falling
And trees dying

It's starting to get cold outside

The gloomy sky
The sad goodbyes

It's starting to get cold outside

Happiness vanishes
Sadness emerges

It's starting to get cold outside

Coldness seeps into the soul
Shivers caressing the spine

It's starting to get cold outside

Death is like and unopened present
that was lost in the back of a Christmas tree

Just like people
who are lost
in the back of a crowded room

So lost, that they seek death
the only present worth opening

Death has always seemed inviting
more inviting than the presents in the front
of the Christmas tree

I seek death
because I am lost
and alone
in the back of a crowded room
waiting to open the present
that is lost in the back of the Christmas tree

i wish i could sleep forever
because
it's an escape
from my harsh reality
you don't miss anyone
and
you don't feel pain

tick
darkness

they're staring
tick
darkness

they're laughing
tick
darkness

stares felt through the blinds on closed windows
tick
darkness

whispers
tick
darkness

eyes and voices
eyes and voices
eyes and voices
tick
darkness

tick

tick

tick tick tick tick tick
darkness

tick
**GET OUT OF MY HEAD

my mind is like and isolated room
with a chill breeze coming from the solid walls

there are four doors
that lead to more doors
that lead to more isolated rooms

my thoughts make up these rooms
alone in their way of thinking

there is no solid thought
they all leave the isolated rooms
seeping through the cracks beneath the doors

my thoughts gather into one room
no longer isolated
and the four doors
that lead to more doors
that lead to isolated rooms
have disappeared

my mind now races

all these thoughts in one room
never quieting

no word is alone
and no thought is isolated

and that,
is what happens when
i get hit by anxiety

my tears sting
like acid
and they burn through my soul
like bleach

chasing you
is like trying to find the *** of gold
at the end of a rainbow

impossible

you are a dream
with no end

a nightmare
made up of the same monster

my lungs hurt
from chasing you

push me away before i lose my strength
because god knows
i will never stop chasing you

I don't remember the last time I felt awake
My mind has always been exhausted

Swollen eyes and red sockets
Made it so hard to stay awake
The after taste of my tears made me want to sleep forever

I'm always sad
Unless dead, sleeping is the only way out

I'm tired of everything
The world is too cruel to enjoy
Too cruel to wake up for

Honestly, too cruel to breathe for

I can't wait for the last breath that I take
Because in the after life
I'll be awake

We live in a world
where sadness is the norm

We live in a world
where we romanticize the mentally ill

We live in a world
where we tell someone to save themselves
but tell ourselves the opposite

We live in a world
where we preach to others
how great life is
until we go home
and live it for ourselves

We live in a world
full of hypocrites
and inconsiderates

Why, just why, must we live in such a world?

her voice
told me we were friends
she'll make me better
happier

she said
she is the only one who cares
she loves me

i have to listen to her
she'll make me perfect

fat pig she says
useless she says
but she loves me
so i'll listen

start out small
cut back
no more than 1000 calories

it'll get harder
she says this isn't enough

500 calories
400 calories
300
200

calories control me
as much as her voice does

1 pound
2 pounds
3 pounds
lost

more she says
stop completely
walk away
become beautiful

people say an apple a day keeps the doctor away
i have to live by that

weeks
months
they pass

thin
bones
beautiful

but i can't see
she told me it'll be okay
but i can't see

passing out
fainting
falling
death

feeding tubes
IVs
medication

she says this is what she planned for
i'll be perfect once i'm dead

because at death
i will be my thinnest

so i smile
as she tells me my pulse
is fading

I can only see the darkness around me..and I am terrified...
save me from the dark
I can't be alone any longer

i feel like pulling my hair out
saying that i wasn't what you expected...
you told me i caught your eye sitting alone in the lunch room
seeing my smile when my friends finally arrive
telling me that i'm gorgeous
acting like i was the only girl in the world for you
you made me believe you

why did i believe you?

a month later..
two days after giving me my first kiss
we hug
then as i'm about to walk away you tell me
"you weren't what i expected"

i should have seen it coming
i'm worthless...
lonely
desperate
you gave me a chance and i took it without thinking

i still have those sweet texts
"i can't believe such a beautiful girl is mine"
"you're the best girl in the world..."
so many sweet texts
i trusted you
you made me feel beautiful
you told me that was your goal
it worked...but you crushed it

you never thought of me as beautiful
i was just another girl
in the crowded hallways

what did you expect?

i lay there on my perfectly white sheets
                              in a perfectly white room
my perfectly white skin
                              soon demolished by my perfectly dark sins
i close my eyes and smile
                               showing my perfectly white teeth
lower, there is a void
                               a void in my stomach
perfectly dark void
                               my wrists
clean and perfectly pure
                               though, a blade sits next to my hand
eyes still closed
                               i see my perfectly dark future
behind my perfectly dark eyelids
                               in my hand lies the blade
perfectly white blade covered in perfectly dark sins
                               my wrists
no longer perfectly pure
                                the perfectly dark sins hide my perfectly white skin
my smile fades
                                i open my mouth
letting my perfectly dark soul rise
                                a soul so big it casts a shadow
over this perfectly white room
                                 this is what i wanted
to set my perfectly dark sins
                                 that were disguised by my perfectly white lies
to set them free
                                 my body will now decay
into this perfectly dark world
                                  hidden behind our perfectly white lives

thoughts racing
wind chasing
caught in the rush

adrenaline
anxiety
heart pounding

leaving
we're finally leaving

past left behind
future never crossing our minds

run
running

we want to go
we want to forget
we want to breathe

set us free
let us go

just let us go

drapetomania
*the overwhelming urge to runaway

My empty feelings and My empty thoughts
My cold veins and My cold heart
The broken bones and The broken scars
The lonely roads and The lonely stars
Everything so Fragile
The bleeding tears
Coming from our eyes
The empty, cold, and lonely souls

It's beautiful
How empty we are
Still existing
Hanging by a thread

We **** for love
And love to ****

We are the empty, cold, and lonely souls
Stuck in my empty feelings and empty thoughts
Wrapped in my cold veins and my cold heart
Shattered in the broken bones and the broken scars
Walking on the lonely roads
Watching the lonely stars

It's beautiful
How empty we are