February fourteenth
Is just a day of reminders
Of a broken marriage
And the years of loneliness
That went along with that

We never fight
We spit venom in the form of
Snarky remarks, hurtful comments
And bitterness
But we never let the anger boil over
Into screaming matches or wet faces
Until long after one of us has gone to bed
And the tears start to pour
And all the hurt comes out
Until it's time to carry on
And pretend everything is okay.

Hearts break in so many different ways
For so many different reasons
Like mine broke when you denied me the love
That I needed and I craved
And yours broke when I found that love
Somewhere else.

You erected mountains in my mind,
Claiming real estate in my heart
That I never intended to allow.
I loved that mountain range.
But sometimes,
Sometimes I feel like you want to be
Nothing more than a rolling hill.

It doesn't matter how many times
I manage to break or fall apart
With the pieces of me that shatter on the ground,
Put back together and repaired with gold
This lovely mess that makes up me
Is the only me I'll ever want to be.

Already weak and vulnerable,
       A poison in my mind,
   You took advantage
You claimed I was strong,
       Manipulated,
               Used
                   Me.
But the unkindness of you,
Made me see the
     Goodness in me,
And I
   B
      R
         O
       K
         E
            Free.

I was torn between
Living the life that I was used to,
Hiding behind my hair,
Being happy to go unnoticed,

And changing my life
And living to my fullest
Without a care
Of who is watching.

Maybe the spring will offer a chance
For me to re-root and grow again
Maybe I can take this season of rebirth
And take the pain,
Turn it around into good energy.
And let my heart bloom.

Memories of my past
Wait to be washed away
Like the dirt that hides
Underneath my fingernails

We see it on the weekly news
Another bomb, more people shot
We see it and we carry on
A moment of shock and then it's forgot

How many more people will die
Before we wake up and feel the rage
That will fuel the fire
That will make the change?

A year ago
I was an empty shell
Of the girl I used to be
Floating through life
With no ambitions
No hopes, no dreams.
Always looking down
Instead of at the world.
I was a wreck
With a messy heart
That couldn't be at ease.
Before I knew you,
I wasn't the happy
Bright person I am now
But you came into my life
Found me in the dark
As I was trying to climb
Out of the pit
That I had spiralled into
We slowly progressed
And I began to see the stars,
See the light in the dark again.
I made it a mission
To climb out of that pit
To feel the light - your warmth-
On my skin
Before I knew you,
I didn't know my worth
But now, I'm beginning to

There's nothing that I can do
To take back the hurt that I've caused
But I do hope that
The binds that tie us
Are strong enough
To weather all of my *******,
Even when I can't be the person
That you need me to be.
One day, the light will
Overpower my dark.

It's another one of those days
Where the shining sun doesn't match
The mood that I am in.
It's getting old, feeling this way.
Especially when I have everything
That people think would make
A person happy.
I guess it doesn't work that way.
Having a family, a house of my own
And the material things
That give the illusion that we live
The perfect lives.
I know happiness is above all that
I'm the only one who can give it to me,
So why is it so difficult to push aside
All this sadness and let the sun shine?

Flight
When things get tough
My first instinct is to run.
Run away for a while,
Because I am weak.
I can't handle the life I was given
Or the cards that were played.
Fight
My mind is not calm,
And my temper is short.
I have this tendancy of blowing up
When I just need to take a breath.
Terrible wife, imperfect mother,
Is there anything I'm good at?
I'm hardly adequate.

I'm not looking for someone to complete me.
When they go away, which they will go away,
I'll still be missing that piece, still be incomplete.

I'm not looking to make someone my everything,
When they're gone, which they will be gone,
I'll end up empty, I'll have nothing.

I'm just looking to love and be loved
And hope that it lasts,
Because something's gotta last

The hardest part about all of this
Was telling my heart to not get carried away.
But it was hard to not fall in love
When your arms felt like like home
And your presence offered comfort.
I tried, and so did you, to stay composed
And fight the feelings that slowly built.
Here we are, and it scares me so,
To have given myself to you.

Love me
When I laugh and smile
And my heart shines bright and hopeful

Love me
Even in my darkest days
When the light struggles to filter in

Love me
When the fire in my eyes
Burns and dances in the light

Love me
Even when the flame burns low
Fading out into the dark

Love me
During my happiest days
When things are going good

But love me still
When I'm hard to Love
Because that's when I need it most.

Inhale.
Exhale.
You're doing better than you think you are.
The break downs are few and far.
Inhale.
Exhale.
This is just an episode that will pass you by.
You won't be stuck here, you'll be out in no time.
Inhale.
Exhale.
You'll be fine, you'll be okay.
The thoughts are lies, don't believe what they say.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Just breathe and hold on tight.
It'll all go away, it'll be alright.

I fell for you
The same way snow flakes
Fell to the ground,
Slowly and softly.
And how they melted into the earth,
Like I melted beneath
Your touch

I may be a wanderer
A lost soul
Searching for its place
But when my heart's
Tied to another
I will always be happy
To wander back to them

I'm as free as the great lake
Confined by the land
Crashing and flowing
Against the shores
Until it empties into the ocean
The way I seep through my walls
And slowly discover true freedom

The funny thing about meeting people
Is that we never know what significance that they may have in our life
That stranger you just made eye contact with?
They may be the person that you didn't know you needed.
Just give it time, soon enough you'll talk, you'll become friends
And friends may sometimes become more than you ever anticipated.
That stranger? It'll come to a point where you won't be able to see your life without them.

I know you want to include me when you socialize with your friends.
And I know you feel bad when you leave me to the side.
I see the way you are with your friends,
How happy you are to talk and joke and just be around them.
And I encourage you to get out more.
But you won't just leave me behind.
I keep you from enjoying yourself, despite you telling me otherwise.
You can't hide that from me.
I watch you, believe it or not, and I see that I'm holding you back.
But I want you to know that I'll be okay, off by myself.
You have another life outside of me that doesn't need to be shared.
We may live as one, as a team, but we're still two separate people.
I'm fine all by myself with  book to read, or a movie to watch.
I enjoy getting lost within my own little world
Or doing things on my own.
I've never been good at being around people,
My sick mind holds me back from enjoying myself with them.
I've come to accept that this is who I am.
And it's far from who you are.
Don't worry about me when I tell you to do things for yourself,
Because nothing would make me happier than to see my partner enjoying himself.
Don't sacrifice your life for me.

I watched the leaves rustle and dance
In the towering trees above me
Reaching for the stretching skies.
Getting lost within the expanse
Of the Galaxy that lay
Just beyond my fingertips.

Everything fell apart,
Her heart and mind, a mess.
But what did she do
During her all time low?
She pushed through
And became stronger
Than she ever was

I'd like to go for a drive
Leave this place behind for a while
Taking to the path beyond
Watching as every unfamiliar road
Passes me by
One…
   By one..
      By one…
Finding myself in unknown towns
In far away places
Satisfying this desire
To be anywhere else but here
I want to just…
        Go...
Until I find the place where my heart longs to be

I'm getting cold
And I'm not talking the physical cold
Not like the cold you feel when there's an absence of warmth
I'm talking a coldness that starts at the base of my skull
That spreads through my body and my brain
It's the kind of cold that brings a feeling of despair and empitness.
No amount of blankets or warm fires or even hot coffees
Can warm me from the dead winter inside my mind

Today, I feel extra heavy,
Each movement, taking more effort than normal.
My mind is feeling clouded,
A dense fog settling in every crevasse.
Today, I am tired.
Not the I-didn't-get-enough-sleep kind of tired,
But an exhaustion of the mind and body.
To describe how I feel, only two words come to mind,
"Chemical imbalance"
Two words that tell me that how I feel isn't real
It's only the result of my brain feeling sick.
But what if I'm truly just sad?
What if everything I feel is real?
The thing about what ifs is that they're sad
They're depressing.
Thinking of the things that could be,
What if things could be happier,
Or what if things could be worse.
And what if the thing wrong with my brain
Is just sadness, pure and simple.
Sadness could be fixed,
Sadness doesn't need medication.
But sadness could last forever.
A soul stuck in a world that it doesn't belong,
A place where it was never meant to be.
That's how I feel.
I don't belong.
I never belonged.
I am missing a part of me,
The part that fills the dark hole in my chest.
A hole that reminds me of loneliness,
No matter what, it'll always be there.
And maybe that's the cause of this
Chemical imbalance
The possible ****** up part of my brain.
The flaw that can be fixed with drugs.
The flaw that is my mind.
Maybe I'll be okay
But then maybe I won't.

And here it comes,
The ache replaced by anger
Fueled by the betrayal
Your lies, your actions...
I hate you.
There, I said it.
My love for you
Replaced by burning hatred.
I am done, we are through.
No more.

Wouldn't it be amazing
If we could just
"Right click -> delete"
The feelings we have
That are bringing us down?
Oh, the heartache
That could be spared.

Oftentimes I don't understand
The things that are going through my mind
Or the words that come out of my mouth
And sometimes I'm just completely blind
To the things that I do, the actions I choose
And the hurt I inflict on those I love.
And in my heart of hearts, in my deepest depths
I don't mean any of the negative things in my head.
These actions, and words, and thoughts of mine
They always end up hurting me, destroying me.
I want it all to be erased, to have a clear, calm mind
And when it happens, my happiness will be my greatest achievement

I hope to one day rid you
Of the darkness that has
Plagued your life
Be the light that leads you
To the end of the tunnel

If I could be anywhere in the world
I would be with you
Because no matter where I am
As long as there is you
I am home

There's silence in her ear
But rumbling thunder
Through her mind

What's it like to be in love when plagued with a mind like mine?
When waking up each day is like walking into fire
And each breath I breathe is such a struggle?
It's difficult, that's for sure, when you're heart knows the truth
But your brain tells you these awful things.
"He doesn't really love you, ya know,
He's just using you to pass the time, the lonely nights"
No, no, no, that's simply not true! He loves me, he tells me all the time
Maybe… maybe he's just telling me what I want to hear,
Maybe… he means none of the words he says…
No! He means it all, every "I love you", everything.
Don't listen to the little voice that hides inside your head!
It's a lying coward who only wants to hurt you.
But it's not that easy! Trying to ignore that voice.
The insecurities arise no matter what,
And ruin the happiness I've finally found.
Why can't I love another and be loved back
Without these thoughts that go through my head?
Why can't I continue feeling the way I do when I talk to him?
When I hear him, when I look at him, when I see him.
..My god, he is perfect, he makes me happy, so ******* happy..
So, please, just leave my mind alone, please just let my heart be right…
But then it passes, those thoughts and insecurities
But for how long will they be gone? For good this time?
I love him, I don't doubt his love for me
He's the sun and the stars within my skies,
The colours that wash shades of grey from my life
And to lose another, to lose him, because of my illness,
My god, I could not handle the pain that would come
Please, mind, clear yourself, leave me be, let me be happy
Let me love this man, for he completes me
And he feels oh-so right... don't cause me to lose him, too.

I'm so tired, so ******* tired
Of feeling trapped within these walls
Of this house that is supposed to be my home
Like in a box with no air holes, I am suffocating.
Looking at the same things, day in, day out
Nothing's changed, there's nothing new
Just the same walls that hold me prisoner
And if I could just leave, I would be gone
So far away from here, free at last
But, no, it's not that simple.
Though I wish it were as easy
As saying the words
"I'm leaving"

My mind is like a hurricane
       A raging storm
And in the centre,
In the eye of the storm
          There is calm
              There is you

I can feel your sadness
It courses through my veins
I feel it burning, aching,
Yet hoping away the pain

I can feel your tears
Flowing vicariously through mine
Rolling silently down my cheek
Settling on my lips, like wine

I can taste your pain
Bitterness upon my tongue
Numbing poison; breathing it in
Settling inside my lung

I could take the hurt away
I could make you feel whole
Just please let me back in
Allow me back into your soul

So much like the sun
Warms the earth
You have warmed my heart
I've opened up
The walls have fallen down
I see things in a new light
All because you
Made your way into my heart
And stayed a while
Calling it your home
And you could stay forever
If you really wanted to
I surely don't mind

If I were to
Follow my heart
It would lead
Me straight
To you

Destroy the monsters
that call your mind home
no longer allow them
shelter within your bones
let yourself free
from the demons inside
you'll never find happiness
or the light otherwise

The ground was soft
Like a bed full of clouds
The day the that I fell,
And kept falling hard,
For you, my dear

Every night
She read the stars
As if they were words
Writ across the sky.

She found peace
Within the constellations,
Put together
With such care.

It's as if they were poetry
So bright against
The dark night sky
Waiting to be loved.

And she loved those stars
The stretching sky
From where she lay
Upon her mossy bed

So far away yet so very near
They brought her hope
That she belonged
Somewhere in that sky

Imagine wanting to say something,
Having so much to say,
But nothing will come out.
You're trapped in your own mind.
It's as if you have stage fright,
And the whole world is a stage,
And you can't speak the lines
That you've rehearsed
Over and over, countless times.

Imagine people telling you
To stop being shy, to talk,
But they don't understand
How real this fear is.

What if you say the wrong things?
What if no one likes you?
Feeling as if they think you're weird,
That they don't want to talk to you.
And it's those fears that trap the words,
Trap all the things you have to say.
It's not easy, it's terrifying.
And no one seems to get it,
This is not just shyness,
This is not antisocial,
It's anxiety, it's a phobia.
And it hurts.

I don't need you to save my life,
I just want something beautiful
To make me feel alive.

But if you were to be at my side
To help me through the days,
You know I wouldn't mind.

It's raining,
A downpour of
All the little things
That are stealing
Away my sanity.

You have sparked a flame
Within my soul
That has no hope
Of being extinguished

Only to break me down
And tear apart my heart

And even despite
The pain within,
Why does my soul
Cry out for you still?

If you looked into my eyes,
What would you see?
Would you see the growing sadness
That I've hidden for so long?
Would you see the tears
That I choke back everyday?
If you looked deeply enough,
Would you see the ******* pain
That consumes my very soul?
Would you see just how
******* hard it is
For me to go through every day
As if nothing was wrong?
Just look into my eyes,
Truly look and tell me,
What do you see?

I want to be immune
To the song that lures
Me to you.
The sensuous pull
That has me wanting,
Needing,
To be in your grasp,
Your hands tangled
In my hair,
Your teeth to my skin.
I want to be immune
To the hunger I feel
For your kiss,
The ache I feel
For your touch.
Because I need you,
So much it hurts.

She's so full of rage
Boiling at the surface
Ready to explode