I have these thoughts in my mind
That tell me to just go
Leave it all behind
Maybe you'll find happiness elsewhere
Because it's obvious that I can't be happy here
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I want to be,
The stress and anxiety
Are just too overwhelming.
Maybe if i lived a life on the go
Never staying in one place too long,
Maybe I'll find myself
Find inner peace,
Find happiness.

I'm broken, you see.
Broken like the shattered window
That once held my sad reflection.
I'm in so many little pieces,
That just won't fit back together.
Yet I've tried to fix myself,
Defeat the depression.
But the "darkness" is all I seem to know.
My wrists and belly are covered in faint, thin lines.
Each one telling of a time that I felt hopeless,
A time that I just didn't think I'd make it.
And as I run my fingers over the scars,
I wonder if they'll ever fully fade.
If I'll ever rid myself of my demons.
Maybe if I keep fighting,
I'll win this war with myself.

I once read that
The stars cannot shine
Without darkness,
Maybe I can shine
Even with the darkness within.

The battle goes on
Ten thousand to one
Against monsters and demons
That haunt my mind.

Where is the end?
There is none in sight.
Just the darkness that threatens
To engulf me again.

For years I've battled,
And I'm losing my strength.
Sometimes I wonder,
Can I keep going?

What can I do
To rid myself of them?
But to end it all
With the slice of a blade.

But at the back of my mind,
I truly want to keep living.
But I just can't do this.
I can't, anymore.

I'm happy
Maybe if I told myself
Those words every day,
Maybe they'll become true.
I'm happy
Maybe they'll change
The way I think
Make me more
Positive
I'm happy

What am I to do,
When you throw your words my way?
The opinions on my life,
That I never asked for?
What am I to do,
When you judge me as you do?
When I can"t even defend myself,
Because I am choked by my fear?
I do have things to say,
When you try to bring me down!
The words are trapped by my anxieties.
So listen as I tell you
To just leave me be.
I can't stand the things you say!

Sometimes I'm sad,
Oh, so sad,
For no particular reason.
My mood just drops,
And then I cry.
The tears will flow
With no end in sight.
But then they do
And I feel better again.

When I fade into daydreams,
Please leave me be.
I'm happy here,
While I may not be there.
I need an escape,
And where better than my dreams?
Where my stories come to life,
And my demons are pushed aside.
Where vampires are real,
And faeries are my friends.
I just need a break from reality,
As would anyone else.
So just leave me be.

My dearest daughter
My lovely Faye,
Oh, how your smile
Lights up my day.
Ten perfect fingers
And ten perfect toes.
And your daddy says
You have mommy's nose!

I'm gonna be a mommy!
Oh, the shock that I was in.
But I soon warmed up to the idea,
Of the life that I held within.

Now I cannot wait to hold you,
To hug you or hear your cry.
February, hurry up!
So I can meet my little girl or guy. <3

It's silent,
All except for the soft breeze.
The world is still,
Quiet, peaceful.
I lay in the meadow,
Drifting,
Falling into dreams.
The long grass brushes my cheek,
As the breeze blows,
Gently,
Quietly through the blades.
Through the silence, mice scurry,
Hiding in the grass,
Going to their nests.
A rabbit nearby grazes,
Silently, peacefully.
A sly fox sneaks by,
Barely noticing me.
It's beautiful.
The serenity is nice.
I'm happy,
Close to nature.
Welcomed,
I am welcomed here.
I am home.

"Just do it!"
"There's no other way out!"
The voices cry.
"It won't get better!"
They get louder.
They won't leave her alone,
Won't get out of her mind.
"No one will care!"
The voices yell.
She can't handle it any more.
"I'm not okay, I'm not okay!"
Her screams don't come.
The tears are falling.
Her heart is breaking.
No one can save her
From her biggest enemy,
Herself.

I am making you unhappy,
Am I not?
Every thought of me
Brings you down.
Every word,
Every “I love you”,
Saddens you.
Because I am not there
With you,
To hold you in my arms.
It hurts you.
I know it does.
So don’t tell me it’s not me,
That makes you unhappy.
‘Cause I know I do.

Why don't the words flow,
As they once did?
Flow from my heart,
Flow onto this page.
Where did they go?
Are they hiding deep within?
The words are not coming,
Not coming to bring relief.
My emotions, my feelings,
They stay deep within.
They make my heart ache,
They won't bring release.

Although
my smile
is genuine,
the sadness
deep within
my eyes
is just as
real.

I want to fall into a deep sleep
Of which not even my
True love’s kiss can wake me.
A sleep of which only
I can wake myself from.
**I would awake only when
My demons have finally
Left my mind alone.

These words are floating
In my mind, ready to be
Written on this page.

I lied today,
As I do every day.
I can’t help it.
I don’t mean to,
It just happens.
It’s become natural to me.

“How are you today?”
They’ll ask me.
“Well, I’m great.”
I’ll reply with a smile.

It’s that smile.
It fools everyone.
It hides my emotions,
The ones I really feel.

No one seems to see past that smile.

I died today,
But nobody noticed.
It happened so slowly,
The pain was unbearable.
And then it was over,
I died.

*But nobody noticed
They only see the smile.

I run through the forest,
Wind blowing through my fur.
The leaves barely crunching
Beneath my paws.
I stop at my den, my mate
Waiting patiently,
And I hear a distant howl.
I throw my head back
And I begin to howl,
And we sing in harmony
Of a world of which
We would be safe from
The terror of humans.

I am only a quiet whisper,
    A hushed sigh,
        Barely audible
To those who don’t care.

I am only a silent scream,
    A cry for help
        Gone unheard
In the darkness of the night.

I am only broken loneliness,
    Faint sadness,
        Unseen tears,
*I’m only waiting to be noticed.

To be honest,
I spend my days
Just thinking of you.
You occupy my mind,
Making it hard to
Concentrate on
Anything else.

March 13, 2009

The sun, it shines down on me with rays of warmth.
My heart thawing out of it’s icy sleep.
I’m overcome with a new happiness.
A feeling almost forgotten,
Buried deep within my broken heart.
And though the enemy sits a mere thirty feet away,
There’s nothing that they can say to bring me down
This time.

The darkness that filled my life, so fragile,
Now lifted  off my shoulders at last.
His soul, given to me as a token of his love.
A treasure so fragile only my hands can hold it.
The scent of his skin still lingers on me,
Something that will never be forgotten.
A gentle touch, and then I’m set free
Of everything so vile to me.
And I’m free.


March 14, 2009

Unwelcome as I feel, here I stay, still.
No one to protect me,
I’m left here on my own.
Enemies all around me,
With their looks of pure evil.
Once providing me with friendship,
Now killing me so slowly.


March 20, 2009

Inside my mind is where I stay,
Safe from all that is.
Away from the world,
I hide here, and worry, I will not.
As long as I am here,
Inside my mind, a safe sanctuary,
Free from doubt and all pain.
My imagination is the only place
I want to be,
So I don’t feel the pain any more.


March 24, 2009

Unexpectedly, a dagger pierces me,
Destroying the temporary happiness I felt.
Now I lay here, my heart bleeding,
With tears running down my face.
I thought it was all over.
But it’s not.
So I’ll die emotionally,
Where no one can find me and save me.
It’s too late now.


May 13, 2009

Another year older,
And still the darkness is inside me.
Another year has passed,
With the depression slowly killing me.
The dawn has passed
With another sleepless night.
So I’ll slowly fall into this land of nightmares,
Where no one can save me from myself.
My soul has been taken,
There’s nothing I can do now.

May 14, 2009

There’s something about him,
Something so angelic
Yet so sinister in a way.
He’s been there in my dreams.
And never ceased to let me down.
I don’t know why,
I don’t think I ever will,
But I want him.
I need him.
I can’t live with out him.
For he holds the key to my heart.
He has my soul,
And forever,
He will.


May 16, 2009

The wind blows through my hair,
And I’m free.
Free of doubt,
Free of worry,
Free of everything that brought me down.
I finally see the beauty in the world.
The peace that never seemed to consume me,
Now has taken over.
And, alas, I am happy,
Even for a moment so brief.
But who am I to care,
As long as I feel it’s serenity.
It’s beautiful, this feeling.
I cannot explain,
For it is more than happiness.


June 7, 2009

I hate life.
When will I wake up from this nightmare.
It seems like every where I go,
I’m tormented.


September 27, 2009

I went to my place at the rocks.
The only place where I can be at peace.
There’s no one around,
The way I like it.

It’s funny how I just look at the ground,
In the middle of a clover field,
And I find a four leafed clover.
Then there’s people who have looked and looked
And have never found one.
It makes me think. Am I lucky?
Are these four leafed clovers lucky?

The sun is warm, shining down on me,
But the wind is cool.
I feel alive, and nothing can bring me down.
As long as I am in this sacred little place
That fills my body with peace.

I was angry before got here.
Sick of my friends and family hurting me.
But the moment I get here,
I’m overwhelmed with serenity,
And I’m free.
Free like the waves crashing on the rocks.
Free like the wind blowing through my hair.
Free like the majestic wolf I am to be.


September, 30, 2009

A true friend, I have realized, is a rare treasure.
Something that once found (if ever),
Should  be held on to.
I’ve had best friends come and go.
But there is one of whom I truly miss,
Despite the fact that she hurt me,
Not once, but twice.
I usually know better
Than to hold onto something like that,
But I can’t help it.
I still love her as if she were my sister.
I may never want to see her again.
I may hate her for lying,
But I will never forget her.

The moon shines over the forest,
Lighting the paths for us.
It’s quiet and calm, as here I rest,
Peacefully in my den.


In the peace, I faithfully wait,
As my pups run about, playing.
Soon he’ll be home, their father, my mate.
With game for us to eat.


In the distance I hear a howl,
In excitement, I reply.
Gunshots fire, I hear a growl.
I stiffen and fill with fear.


I gather my pups, hide them in the den.
I whimper at them to stay,
In the den, remaining hidden.
Then I sprint towards my mate.


I hear him whimper, I hear him cry.
I feel my heart break.
They hurt him, they did, but why?
He only wanted to feed his family.


I smell gunpowder and the blood,
I am quickly nearing them.
I silently run through the mud,
I can hear his laboured breath.


The man with the gun walks up to him
I pounce in between before I think.
I growl and snarl, I try to scare him.
He just laughs away.


He lifts up his gun, and points at me,
Then I hear a screamed, “No!”
Into the clearing runs a girl of eighteen,
Pushes the man and takes the gun.


She points the weapon at the man,
Yells to get off her property,
And to never near a wolf again.
A shot, then the man takes off.


She approaches us carefully and
Calls her friend to bring First Aid.
I step aside as my mate tries to stand.
She soothes him back down.


This girl is different, I can feel.
I can’t help but trust her.
Next to me, she does kneel.
Stopping my mate from bleeding.


We waited a while for her friend,
And as we waited she comforted me.
“He’ll be okay, this is not his end.
I will make him better.”


Into the clearing, comes a young man,
Not much older than her.
With a white box in his hand,
He walks over to us.


She takes the box, removes its contents,
And they start working away.
Over my love’s body, they are bent,
Cleaning away the blood.


She calmly whispers to me,
“Go to you den, your  cubs are waiting,
Your mate is safe with me.”
I hesitate but I run to my pups.


My pups whine and whimper,
And it feels like forever later,
I hear the girl’s voice, barely a whisper,
“It’s okay, boy. We’re almost there.”


She comes to the den,
With my mate close behind.
I leave the den and greet them.
My mate is back, he’s okay.


The girl and the boy
Come every so often,
They take care of my love,
They make sure we’re okay.


I wish there were more people like this,
To make sure that we aren’t massacred off.
To protect us when we can’t protect our self.
To make people see we’re not bad at all.

The yelling starts again, the insults get worse.
The depression is back, the pain, it hurts.
I try so hard to be an ideal daughter.
I’ll never be good enough, it just doesn‘t matter.
Don’t they see all the scars, all the pain?
They do this to me, they make me hurt again.
The thoughts of death and darkness are back,
Of happiness and love, my mind does lack.
I’ll never escape the depression, it seems.
I’ll never escape this hell, though only in my dreams.
I need to be saved from myself once again.
All of this hurt is driving me insane.
I want to escape this hell I call home,
I want to escape feeling so alone.
But it’ll never happen, this I feel is true.
All the words that they say, they cannot undo.
I cannot live like this anymore,
The pain I feel is unlike before.
I just need to escape, I need to get out.
I will escape, I will get myself out.

You left me
Alone on the side of a road.
I don't know
Where I am or what I did.
I gave you my love,
I trusted you.
But you left me
Alone on the side of a road.

I'm hungry,
I have no food or water.
The cars speed
Past me, not acknowledging me.
I'm scared and cold.
I want to go home.
But you left me
Alone on the side of the road.

I'm weak.
I feel I won't make it.
So I lay
In a box on the side of the road.
My stomach growls,
I'm starving now.
I cry to myself, someone help.

The rain pours,
And I weakly cry out.
Save me,
I did nothing wrong.
A car slows,
They pull over,
They saw me, they want to help.

I'm saved,
I lick them, wagging my tail,
Though I'm weak.
But I'm so happy to be warm.
They take me home,
They give me food,
They saved me just in time.

I'm happy,
I'm no longer alone.
I have a home,
And they love me more then my past owner.
I am part of their family,
And I'm happy,
I'm no longer on the side of the road.