i tried to stop myself
but i ended up here
at the bottom of this hill
a long tumble down

i told myself i would not fall
i could not fall
but somehow, i tripped

i tripped down the road of love
but not quite love

a journey so long in feeling
but so quick in recollection
so graceless in beginning
but so right when you held me in your arms
so right when you caressed my being
so right when you kissed me with passion
under the glow of city lights and moon alike

i should not have let it go there
but i fell
i fell and now it is too painful to move.
to get up or continue falling...?

what am i to do but lay here?
and wonder why i ever looked down the hill.

suddenly aware of an ascending sense of depression
mostly unaware of my instinctive feelings and aggression.
my mind is running laps around the empty hole inside my chest
and i am just exhausted, my energy is constantly suppressed.
uncomfortably trapped inside my bed, just trying to arise
an aching sense of actuality, my brain can fantasize.
the throbbing pain of all my joints conjoin my body to my mind
regretting all of the troubled thoughts i thought i left behind.
proactively trying to occupy less space
staring in the mirror not recognizing my own face.
it's safe to say i'm lonely here, drowning in grey
but who is kidding, if you were here i'd probably just push you away.

dreams,
two polar opposite dreams
somehow intertwined with each other.
mugged,
almost dying on the subway platform,
all my friends watching but doing nothing.
flowers,
a secret admirer too shy to engage in what could be love

wake up.
i, having a busy to do list,
wake up more tired than i was
when i fell asleep

running,
away from life.
i, being insanely depressed,
walk fast on a treadmill
staring into nowhere
listening to a podcast on the physiology of blood
not able to handle the one thing i loved that i had left.

waiting,
in line at the drug mart,
several people cut in front of me.
i did not stand up for myself like i usually would.

slowly
putting an energy drink up on the counter
"is everything ok?" the cashier asks with concern in her voice.
i, having headphones in one ear, instinctively say yes
thinking she asked me if i needed a bag.
i did not get a bag.

walking,
again, but this time slow,
already running a bit late for work.
I catch a bus.
i didn't need to but i ride it two stops and make it to work on time.

not terrible at work but not the best.
"it's been worse before" is an excuse i like to use.

walking,
again, but this time with no destination.

home.
stepping over my gym bag,
dropping everything on the floor,  
stepping over the other things i've been dropping on the floor.

i've become the person i hate.
the housekeeper with the messy house.
messy life,
emotions; no motivation to move on.

it's the end of the night
and nothing on my to do list gets done.
but, who can blame me,
i can't even breathe right anymore

miscommunication.
understanding the wrong thing at the wrong time in the worst possible moment.
giving up.
walking away when the time felt right .
never to hear your bitter words.
never to hear from you, since then.
you almost forget that it is six months later,
because each day feels like an eternity.
without you, my friend

there is a world out there,
       beyond these walls of my childhood.
restricted by the boundaries,
       of discovery and youth.
once i am gone, once i am free,
       i can live the unknown
       i can live the unthinkable
       i can live in someone else's walls.
all new to me.

to fall in love is such an easy thing.
to fall in love with a place
an idea
a taste
a book
a city
a show
a pet.
but to fall in love with a human being is more complex.
you fall in love with each little thing about them
one by one
until you've found a greater, untouched love
you have never felt before.
And when that love is gone,
you doubt it was ever there at all.

I have all the right things to be happy about,
but I am not.
I am not content with how things are going
and I feel selfish.
I am not comfortable
and I feel ungrateful.
It's just when you get what you want,
you realize you actually wanted more.
And forcing yourself to be content with what you have,
only makes things harder to bear.