You are my light,
My hope, my guide.
The hand reaching out,
The reminder to breathe,
The arms that hold me,
          And take all the sadness away.

You are love,
The kiss I look forward to,
The hug I never want to let go of,
The person I want by my side,
          For the rest of my life.

A flower so close to bloom,
Conjuring love, courage, and wisdom
To know it is loved.
A flower hidden between the rocks,
Under a bridge,
Waiting to be discovered;
Waiting for someone willing to unwind a path,
Someone to trek through the *****, unseen pavement.
A flower,
Caged to the ground,
Lonely, but deserving.
It notices someone reaching down.
Someone with scratches, bruises,
Covered in dirt, leaves in their hair,
And a small path carved behind them.

Your voice:
I hang on every word you say,
Every melody you sing,
Every moan you sigh.
I am captivated,
By the way words – sounds – linger off your tongue.
The way an “I love you” sounds when we are tangled in sheets,
How we are so out of breath it all falls out as one quick Iloveyou.

Inhale before the kiss,
Gentle fingers tracing down,
Hands on hips pulling in,
Lips colliding.

Bodies tangled,
Deep breaths,
Tongues dance,
Hearts colliding.

The thief.
The challenger.
Pieces of you
Filter through my heart,
Like stars through glass.

The dreamer.
The wild.
Thoughts of you,
Run through my mind,
Like light through trees.

The extraordinary.
The remarkable.
Pieces of me,
Reserved for only you.

Do you not see your greatness-
          Your beauty, that radiates from your smile?
Do you not understand that others look at you
          and see far deeper than you can with a mirror?
I know you don't think much of yourself,
         and I know you don't believe others kindness,
But there are people who think the world of you;
          so the next time you feel the doubt, the uncertainty
          weighing you down,
Remember:
          my belief in you exceeds the stars.

I want to travel,
       But only if you are right there
       Planning the trip with me.
I want to explore,
       But only if you are right there
       Navigating the mountains with me.
I want to see every landmark,
       But only if you are right there
       Climbing every step with me.
I want to see the world,
       But only if it is you
       Who wants to see it with me.

You are a complex rhythm
I want to dance to endlessly.
My favorite song,
permanently on repeat.
Hooked first by how catchy the tune was,
But now completely captivated
by every lyric I memorize
And how my fingers tap along to every melody.
I fell in love with your song
And now, I never want to hear anyone else's.

But the boy told the girl,
“I will always protect you.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.

The boy told the girl,
“You are special.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.

The boy told the girl,
“Your soul is made of pure gold.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.

The boy told the girl,
“I love you.”
And, for the first time,
She believed him.

I am a woman.
I am smart.
I am kind.
I am compassionate.
And I am so many other beautiful things.

I am a person.

I am not an object for you to enjoy.
I am not something for you to whistle at.
I am not just ***** or *** or legs.
I am not your pretty scenery.

I am a person.

You are inspiration,
Everything that you are.
I want to ink your soul
Permanently on the pages,
Scattered throughout everything
I am.

“I love you, unconditionally.”

But yet you hurt me with words and actions.

“I love you, unconditionally.”

You use me for yourself and treat me like an object.

“I love you, unconditionally.”

Your jokes, though you think they are nothing, dig deeper every time.

“I love you, unconditionally.”

Your hands don’t feel like love anymore.

“I love you, unconditionally.”

Your eyes aren’t filled with happiness anymore.

“I love you, unconditionally.”

When do I draw the line?

“I love you, unconditionally.”

How long do I let my unconditional love hurt, deceive, and break me?

“Do you love me...unconditionally?”

And to my new love?

“I love you, conditionally.”

i should have read the contract
before dating you
before loving you
before you
if i had read your terms and conditions
          -*** whenever i need it, your feelings aside
         - put up with my delicate ego, but allow me to slowly shatter
                    every ounce of your self-worth
          -you must not say or do anything more intelligent than I or
                    you have given grounds to publicly humiliate you
          -do not touch my fragile masculinity
          -i am permitted to treat you as inferior to myself

if i had read the fine print
then maybe i wouldn’t have signed four years of my life away

I want to learn every detail
That I plan to fall in love with.
I want to understand every imperfection,
So I can love those parts even more,
          to teach you why those are your greatest perfections.
I crave your story,
So I can add my own notes in the margins,
          to remind you where you came from and to show you
          how incredibly far you've come.
I want to savor every piece
Of everything that you are.

Your skin, sweet on my lips
Turned sour through overuse,
Through the absence of anticipation,
          of genuine adoration.
Your words cut deep
And the sincerity in your voice
          is the salt in my wounds.
The empty gestures,
Seasoned throughout the days
Only to prolong the serving of a dish
That was already cold
          and half gone.

i loved you
          i maybe even still do
some piece of me waiting
hoping it was all a bad dream
hoping that you’ll still text me goodnight
but why?
why am i still holding onto something
          that was so bad for my soul?
you were cruel (but hugged me gently)
you were abusive (but kissed me softly)
you were manipulative (but whispered “i love you”)
why were you so intoxicating?
how did i become so addicted
          to the kindness of your touch?
where did the kindness go?
i loved you
i love you
i still love you
i just want to know why?

There is something about you-your soul, it glows.
What's inside is magic, I believe it so.

I can't promise the Moon or Stars,
Yet,
Because I can't even promise the Earth
To myself,
But I can promise
I will learn your every individual perfection
And let them become the constellations
Of my world
Until I can give you
The Moon, the Stars, and the entire Galaxy
Because you deserve
Not a single star less.

Souls meet,
Either soul not knowing, not understanding
And yet, still feel something.
Reasons–unknowing–we met and
Chances are, maybe we belong,
Holding the others hand, or maybe we belong
In passing memories. But
Now, I can’t help but
Guess that maybe we met on purpose.

change is terrifying
no matter who you are
change is scary
knowing change is coming and having no idea what that change is
well
that can be even worse
or when change hits you like a train
even when there are no train tracks
indicating the remote possibility of its crossing
change is inevitable
change allows growth
don’t resist
don’t fight
don’t yell at it and tell it to go away
it is here to help you
to guide you
so let it

timing was something i never believed in
i thought if two people wanted to be together
they would

i had known you for eight years
always in the same class
always sat next to each other
always could talk for hours
we blended so perfectly together
we balanced the other out
everyone could see we belonged together
but i was with someone else
i never saw you in that way
          and that was okay

two years later
we are up until 4am talking
not wanting to leave each other’s side
we kissed for the first time
it was like placing the last piece of the puzzle
          we fit so perfectly
but you were just visiting
living 1, 973 miles from me
i thought this was it
fairytale comes true
the classic
          “we all knew you would end up together”
but you left
with a glimmer of hope we’d be together
but we were on different paths
we want different things
we lived in different parts of the country
maybe our paths will cross again
maybe next time
we will have better timing

i have so many tabs in the books i read
they are color coded and when you flip open the book
i usually have some sort of comment there
these comments range from witty to cynical to dark to brutally honest
either with myself
or a general statement about the world
no matter what it says
whether silly or serious
those comments are my secrets
the tabbed off sections of my mind that i keep for only myself
the bruises i keep concealed
the words i’m too afraid to speak out loud
secrets between myself
my book
and my future self
who will one day read those tabs
those comments
and think back to the reasons they were left
think about all the obstacles i had overcome
and all words i had once related to
my truest self lies within
the margins of books
highlighted quotes
and color coordinated tabs
that no one knows the meaning of
i am terrified of someone reading those sections
someone picking up any one of my books
and knowing how i really feel on the inside
it would be as if someone had stripped me of my clothes
and left me for judgement
one day
i’ll be able to let someone open my books
to let them observe my truest self
and i hope that person is willing
to show me
their tabs too

i am convinced i need the approval of a man to be validated as beautiful. i believe i need men to give my body attention because they won’t like what’s beyond that. i have a strong personality and firm opinions but am willing to push that aside to be praised for my looks. i don’t believe i’m beautiful so i seek the attention of men who will say i do even if all they want to reveal what’s beneath the clothes. i am more inclined to offer my body because it has tougher skin than my heart. revealing my skin is much easier than voluntarily offering up the vulnerability of my feelings.

love can be scary
love can be aggressive
love can be sad
love can be happy
love can be anything
love can show up in anything at anytime
          so why do we just assume love is always going to appear as
          just love
we search for this one kind of love
and we only understand it as one kind of feeling
love is the kind question
          “are you okay?”
love is in the eyes of a puppy
          when you’ve just walked in the door
love is in the hug of a friend
love is that compliment you received from that stranger
love is in the falling tears after the loss of a loved one
love is in the freshly baked “just because” cookies
love is everywhere in everything
          but we are so busy looking for that one kind of love
          from that one kind of person
          that we forget to acknowledge all the other kinds of love

i remember the first time you said you loved me
the day is as vivid in my head as if it occurred only yesterday
we were under a pine tree
          not my favorite tree
          but one that was hidden so my parents couldn’t see
we were 14
we were talking about guys
          your hand in mine
          we were sitting so close that our shoulders were touching
          i could feel the heat radiating off of you like i had my own
          personal sun
you were in a white t-shirt
          my favorite because it made your skin glisten
          and your eyes sparkle
          but i never told you that
i was using a stick to dig a hole
          i joked that i was going to dig to the other side of the world
          to find a new guy
you told me not to go
and that i shouldn’t look for someone new
i asked why
and you replied
          “because i think i love you”

as a young girl
i dreamed of this
          i wanted to be loved
          to feel the power i was told it carried
i just never expected love to look like you

you knew i wasn’t expecting this
my cheeks flushed to the surface with red
and i sat frozen
as if time itself stopped so i could live in that moment forever
i didn’t know what to do
you could see the worry growing on my face
and instead of getting upset about not reacting the “correct” way
you gently grabbed my cheek and pulled me into a kiss
          you said it’s okay
          tell me when you are ready
          tell me when you are sure
i was cautious and scared
i didn’t say it back that day
you were understanding
you knew i wasn’t going to say it until i was absolutely sure

two weeks later
we were lying in my bed
you could tell i had something to say
i looked at you face
          studied every inch
and then i blurted out
          “i love you”
you gently laughed and said
          “i know”
in that moment
i thought we would last forever

you were so gentle with your words
and your fingers felt like silk on my skin
you were everything a girl wanted
          right up until you weren’t
i don’t remember a single
“i love you” after that day
          not because we didn’t say it
          but because we said it so often that it became a habit
those small moments that disappear seconds after they happen
i don’t remember the last “i love you” either
          because you never know when the last is the last
          until it isn’t heard again

i am forgetting what it felt like to be in love with you
          regardless of how you really weren’t in love with me
          or maybe you were to begin with
          but i don’t remember the shift
          from genuine to fraudulent
and now?
now i am even more terrified to love again
to allow someone to so easily sweep me off my feet
to allow someone to see so many parts of me
          and treat it as if none of it mattered
my biggest fear?
is to say “i love you” to another human
with the passion and sincerity i had for you

you were such a good actor in the play i didn’t know was happening
until the curtains were dropped
and you called scene
          claiming you want me to find someone
          who loves me in the same way i love them
i love with honesty
compassion
fearlessness
stubbornness
and passion
and up until that moment
          i thought you had too
it turns out you should just be awarded actor of the year
because how am i supposed to know when
my force of love is being reciprocated
or if it is just another performance to make me vulnerable?

when you’re little you learn not to touch the stove
once you have burned yourself on it once
but they never teach you about the fire that is disguised
as gentle and funny
with gorgeous brown eyes
that look at you with deep love and devotion
the kind of fire that you forget exists
until you are burned on it once again
never learning
until you are left with burns so deep
they will leave scars
to remind you to never trust anyone
because you never learned how to avoid
a fire in disguise

you were my poisonous apple
you looked so perfect
you knew all the right words to say
you had my heart almost immediately
how could i have known you were delicately made
to look to desirable?
i didn’t even know i was poisoned until you were gone
and i had swallowed every last piece of you.