Wings fluttering overhead,
A feather falling and comes into view,
Leaving a trace of what was once there,
But I have no feathers, nor scales, nor fur,
So how do I leave my trace?
Carried by the wind,
Left to it’s mercy,
Alas, I cannot,
For my wings have been clipped,
Not visible, but once there,
Now gone, no longer fair.

Far below I can only see fog,
Concealing the danger below,
As I look over,
Tempted to jump,
Expecting to fly,
The way I once could,
With my invisible wings,
Now gone, forevermore.

The wind is calling me down,
Beckoning me in a whisper,
Brushing past me and down in the breeze,
Alas, I then freeze,
Thinking of the world I would leave behind,
Those who would lose me,
In the blink of an eye,
It’s all left to me now,
If I choose to go quietly into the night,
Or to stay and fight it,
The battle within.

My choice shall remain a mystery,
But I cannot help but wonder,
As I sit on the edge,
What is their choice,
The others like me?

- Jay M
September 4th, 2018

I wonder

About the things beyond my reach
Many possibilities lie in nearly anything

Nowadays it all seems haunting
Outstanding in curiosity
Too many things to count

Oblivious to the pain, they add water
****, no drown, a struggling rose
Awaiting a better day to bloom
Yet, when will it come?

- Jay M
January 5th, 2021

Better together than apart
Close as two people could be
Their love a beautiful melody
A true work of art

Seeing one another once in a week
Occasionally more
A call and a knock on the door
Embrace, then away
To talk and to stay
For a meal
Impossible to believe such could be real

Then suddenly
A silence fills the air
No more words of tender care
Then words like a viper
Hitting the heart like a ******
Not from the lover
'Twas from another
Putting a stop to their days
Cunning in so many ways

Forbidden, what more could be done?
The Discord had won
In separation, yes
In full, no
Love cannot be so easily smothered

Technology is funny
So don't call them honey
When they find a way
To work through and around
The rules they thought would stay
Firm as the ground

Loopholes and favors
Strings pulled and hope strong
On the way, playing a song
Listen to your heart
And bring back that work of art

There, nervous and hopeful
Giddy yet petrified
Then, calm in an instant
Being so careful
But there's no need for caution
Realizing all is well
In this moment, no longer a living hell

Meeting and conversing
The others would be cursing
But there, in that cool night breeze
It put them in a somewhat ease

Laughter, memories so fond
Keep safe the hidden bond
Thrive, even though it is forbidden

Communication shall remain secret
From those who do not approve
They shall never forget
To the others, they shall prove
That they are truly meant to be

Start slow,
Remain so
Until the timing is right
Since time is tight
And all is rather tricky
Situation rather sticky
But survive it shall
This forbidden love.

- Jay M
May 11th, 2020

I see you there,
Walking in the distance,
I wish to come to you,
To talk with you,
Alas, my mind is screaming at me,
Telling me to remain,
Keep what is there safe,
Out of harm’s way...
My way.

Throughout the day,
I cannot help but think of you,
But why?
Why am I thinking of you?
I dare not wonder,
For it may consume me,
The danger shall come,
As it always does,
Never leaving me to a moment of peace.

How I linger on the subject,
Making myself apparent as glass,
Hoping it shall not come to pass,
The day I shatter that glass,
Breaking the barrier,
Holding in the thing I hold most secret,
And trying to deny,
The feelings I have come to have,
All for you.

What happened to me,
Have I fallen under your hex?
Though you may not know it,
I suppose I cast it upon myself,
But I simply couldn’t help myself,
We are so alike,
And I feel like I can be myself,
But you would accept it,
Because of the amazing person you are.

Your eyes tell of your sweet soul,
The wonders yet to behold,
Your talk is something familiar,
Like I knew you long before,
Alas, I know not where,
And when you smile,
I cannot help but smile too,
Oh, what am I to do?

One day,
Far from now,
I shall tell you,
But for now,
I wish to keep safe what is here,
This friendship,
Of which I hold on so dear,
Something so fragile,
Yet so strong,
Forged to last,
Alas, the future is unpredictable.

When the time comes,
Shall I be prepared?
I dare not say,
For I know not what lies ahead,
And I shall never try to know,
For life should remain a mystery,
Or would it be a life at all?

- Jay M
September 6th, 2018

Step after step
Echoing footstep after echoing footstep
I try and I try to do it all right
But it looms over me at such a great height
So I just have to bite
Bite the bullet
Speak the couplet
Then no more

Don't fall
Hit the wall
Not too rough
I'm not that tough
Aching hand
Foreign land
Discover what works
Figure out the quirks
And be free

For now
Bite the bullet
Wondering how
To get through it
But I have a way
Bright as day
Shining like the stars at night
So there's no need to have fright
Right?

Just moving on
Get to a new dawn
Fight on
Before it's all gone

Can't give up now
I'll make it through somehow
There's too many possibilities
I've got my responsibilities
So I'll bite it
Bite the bullet

No matter the pain
There's always something to gain
In the end
No more shall I pretend
Showing my true color
For the sake of my lover

Singing in the rain
My haunting tune
These words in my brain
Under the light of the moon.

- Jay M
January 9th, 2020

Troubling times
Trickier still are the uncertain
The questioning, the curious
The disconnected and unsure

Caught, perhaps, in an illusion
The unforeseen, dismantled reality
For what could this be,
Than the utterly surreal?

Spirit in flux
Or whatever it may be
A mere observer in this place
So familiar…yet not meant to be
Not quite like before
Before being encapsulated
By this most strange dream

Is it a dream, this odd feeling?
This faded, jaded land that surrounds
The very air seems confused
The trees unsure how to sway
The birds misleading and disoriented
Or perhaps it is I who is disoriented?
Or whatever “I” may be…

Who am I, who is this?
This stranger whom gazes back
Through the looking glass
Features once akin to me,
Now they look back,
Rather a stranger than reflection

A body, a vessel
Piloted by a soul
A skeleton propelled
Drawn on and on
Drag the weary feet
Or perhaps take a break
Switch flipping in the mind
Walking, breathing, responses
Nodding and moving
Without thought, without wondering
With memory as a guide
Until the moment breaks
Waking up, back in control
Where have you gone?

Unfeeling, unyielding
Pinch, scratch, burn
Release, escape
Desiring to awaken…
But all assure you,
“You are awake.”

- Jay M
September 19th, 2022

Seated
Waiting
For what?
Who shall know?
For it is a great mystery;
Unknown to any
Unless you can see through those eyes
The eyes of murky times

Can you hear it?
The laughter
The screams
The footsteps
The heartbeats
The repetition
The chaos?

I can...
I see a child
So small and fragile
Sitting alone
Tucked away in a corner
Out of reach of the light
Kept in such solitude
It's surprising she knows what she does
Yet
She is still so dumb
Empty
And needing of someone to show her the way

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Did I become so naive?"

Over and over
Internally
Bashing a skull
It hurts
But it doesn't bleed
Doesn't bruise

Words overflowing
Like the waves of an ocean
In the midst of a tempest
Skies swirling
Thunder echoing
Lightning crashing down
The gusts of wind
Wailing

Yet
None can see this

Why?
None of it exists
Besides in the confines of her mind

Time and time again
Memories race about
Filling every available space
Overwhelming
Alas
It's nothing more than the usual tussle
The same as the day before
And all the previous

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Will this end?"

Never, it seems

Freak, tool, ******,
Idiot, r----d, monster,
Dumby, demon, mental,
Twig, weakling, wanna-be,
Try-hard, kiss-a--, f-ck-up,
Lazy, scatterbrain, broken,
Wrong, ugly, shortie,
Hideous, fragile, cutter,
Liar, cold, empty,
Failure, loser, creep,
Fool, b-tch, little sh-t,
Nobody, depressed, anxious,
Nervous, suicidal, painfully shy,
Lonely, miserable, void,
*****, undesirable, timid,
Unfix-able, mistake, loveless,
Worthless, clumsy, underweight,
Tiny, strange, always tired,
Emotionally drained, blank,
Dead inside, third wheel, out of place,
Annoying, pointless, purposeless,
Hated, thing, useless...

It all repeats...
Over and over
Nonstop
Continuously for years...

Is there a cure to this madness?
Such is unknown.

Medication after medication
Still
No significant change
No stopping it

Maybe for a moment
But soon it disappears
Fading away
From whence it came
To return soon
Unexpectedly...

- Jay M
August 22nd, 2019

My heart races,
As I think of my future,
Wondering what lies there.
What lies behind those eyes?

Is it fear,
Is it annoyance,
Is it pain,
Or is it something else?

In the end,
I am wondering…
What awaits me?

- Jay M
May 15th, 2018

Pacing back and forth
Worrying what you think
Of your little girl
But the truth is
I'm not that little anymore

13, going on 14
Weeks away
I promise you
I won't take myself away

Even though I want to
So badly
I'll stick around
A bit longer
I'll fight
For the sake of fighting
Not for me
But for everybody
So let me be...

LET ME BE!

Crying my eyes out
Screaming the cry of the lonely;
"Leave me alone!"
But that
Is another way of saying;
"Show me that you care enough to stay with me.."

Take my hand
Lift me up
Where the demons can't get me
Hiding in the marrow of my bones

I'm holding on..
I'm right here...
But what does that matter
When they only see you
When you mess up?

More reasons to leave
Than to stay
Just give me a reason.
One good reason why I should listen
To the "good things" about me?

I am a tainted soul
A demon in the skin of a child
Wanting so badly for things to be okay
Better than just "okay"
To be happy...

But how
When everything around you
Leaves you,
Dies,
Hates you,
Despises you,
Doesn't know your name
But you know so much about them?

There is no good reason
Not for me
But for some reason
A purpose I have yet to classify
I remain.

I will
For as long as it takes
Until I've finally given up
Reached my breaking point
The last breaking point
When, finally,
I have no will at all
All is empty
Not a false reason
Nothing
Void of all humanity
To the point where I am but a corpse
A shell of a person I used to know well...

- Jay M
April 25th, 2019

Gripping onto life,
So delicate, yet so strong,
Tempting fate

Small, yet just enough become lethal;
Meant to make it all right,
Fill you with an artificial happiness...

Nothing occurs;
More are thrown into the digestive acids,
You think;
'Maybe I can be happy at last..'
No.

Shaking, drowsy, dizzy, somewhat pained,
Embarrassed by what you have done,
The next day, you wish it to return,
There you go again,
Swallowing those small white spheres;
All to feel something.

- Jay M
March 20th, 2019

He’s coming.
Rage, hate, steaming,
Hunting you down,
As though you were prey,
Though you thought you knew,
You were wrong,
We all were...
Danger, that’s what it is,
He is.

Think you have the upper hand?
Wrong.
He will never be satisfied,
Not unless it’s his way,
Its way or no way,
Run away,
If you can.

Hope he doesn’t follow you,
I’ll protect you,
Hide you away,
"Just leave us be!"
Would be my plee,
But I doubt it would listen
Danger;
Like a hurricane of devastation,
Destroying all in its path,
Get away if you can,
Run from Danger.

- Jay M
September 11th, 2018

Hate me
My visage and soul
Break me
My heart in pieces
Then save me.

- Jay M
March 25th, 2019

Alone in the grey room
Painted by you so long ago
So it seems...

The demons linger with you.
Test you
Telling you to do it
So in that moment
You break
You listen
You obey these horrors...

One, two, three,
Before you know it
They cover the canvas
Bleeding in pain
Bleeding in beauty
Unseen, feared to be seen,
Yet begging to be.

Looking over, across the room
Pills; happiness in a bottle
One, two, three...

Dizzy, fizzy, wizzy!
Laughing, but nothing is funny
In pain, but you smile
It feels so good
This rush
This temptation to go over the edge
Peering over it
Daring it to poke you
Tipping you over...

In the morning, feeling hungover
But you're not
You didn't drink a drop
Just a little pop...
Pop..
Pop.

A week later, here we go again
Six on Monday
None on Tuesday
Eight on Wednesday
Six again on Thursday
Eight again on Friday
All of this pain,
It's so addicting.

- Jay M
March 22nd, 2019