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2.7k · Oct 2015
Just Want to Tell You
Jess Oct 2015
I wanna tell you
That I do think about you at night
I wanna tell you
That sometimes I really can't sleep thinking of you
I wanna tell you
All the nasty things you say to me hurt so much
I wanna tell you
You've made me cry much more than a few times
I wanna tell you
That sometimes you make me want to die with the things you say and do
I wanna tell you
When you hurt me so much that I can't sleep
I wanna tell you
That you stress me out to the point that I'm losing my hair
I wanna tell you
Not to treat me like the things you hate
I wanna tell you
I'm extremely fragile, yet strong
I wanna tell you

You're  b r e a k i n g  me

I wanna tell you
That I still love you despite that
I wanna tell you
That it's not always the ways you hurt me that keep me up
I wanna tell you

S o   m u c h

Sometimes I feel like I can't

I'm so scared to lose you

I wanna tell you
You are so immensely important to me
You are my best friend

I wanna tell you
You are caring
You are genuine
You are not alone


I wanna tell you
That all I want is to love  and be loved in return

I wanna tell you
It scares me
I wanna tell you
That I miss the happy you
I wanna tell you*
I'm so worried
unfinished
2.3k · Oct 2015
Not Without You
Jess Oct 2015
Stress so bad
It's got you puking
And now you're losing your hair
What's this?
Didn't know stress could do that
Oh, now you're puking in the toilet again
Got another fever
What's this?
It feels like appendicitis
Didn't know stress could do that
How did you get yourself in this mess
You can't believe this
Should I spell it out for you
Because if I tell you what it is
You going to go insane
Because you know it's true
This doesn't happen to you
This isn't happening to you
What's this?
Crying and laughing at the same time
Turning around breaking things in anger
Falling on you're knees
Alone in your room
Curling up into a ball
Tearing up all day and night
Why are you laughing
You don't know why
You feel like you're brain is fried
Oh, now you're crying again
You don't sleep any more
You know this isn't right
What makes you think you should go against your gut this time
You promised you'd always listen
No exceptions
You're blind
You love him too much
It doesn't matter that he's been your friend for years too
You know this ain't right
You ******* know it
Now you're in denial
You've made every excuse for him
You answer his every whim
He's got you controlled in fear
You're afraid to lose him
So you listen to every crazy whim
Not doing yourself any favors
You ain't doing him any either
Children need to be taught
Wrong and right
No matter how old they are
Should you be ashamed?
Think you like it
In some twisted sense
You think you deserve it
Now you're doped up on Xanax
You had some wine too
So desperate
It's all you had
Want to be knocked out
Because it stops the thinking
To take away all the stress
You could barely breathe
Drinking with your meds
That aren't even yours
But now you need them
Because now you feel like fainting
When you think
Didn't know stress could do that
You think you like it
Hell no
You don't like it
But you convinced yourself otherwise
But in the end
That's still an excuse to protect him
What are you doing
So lost in those rare moments
Of what he used to be
Still is
Behind it all
That's him
Not this
It's a broken record
Same two songs over and over
It's a game for how long each side lasts
Pretty soon he'll hit you
You know this
You know it
That's why you just had a mental breakdown
'Cause you know what's next
Cause you're blind
You know the truth
You just don't want to look at it
I just want my sanity back
But I won't leave
Not without you
1.9k · May 2014
Cliff
Jess May 2014
Swaying atop an unstable cliff
Unsure yet still standing strong
You saved me once again
As always
You save me
But it is also you
Who pushes me off
The treacherous cliff
Falling
Falling hard
Into the chasm
Almost reaching
The unforgiving frigid water
And then
I am once again
Saved
By you
Reaching your hand out
Comforting and rewarding
But only to repeat
This seemingly endless cycle
Shortly after
Over and over
Somehow
I am willing
To endure this pain
And heartache
For those little moments
And I will wait
To the end of the world
And beyond
Just for another one
I am willing to suffer
Even if it is hopeless
1.9k · Jan 2016
Less Than Nothing
Jess Jan 2016
I don't know
What is left of me
Or even
If there is
Anything at all

Ground down to nothing
I am not here
Not anymore

You see
Looking back
I can see


All the signs were there
Over these last four years

Memories can't be trusted
Were they all lies?
Your sociopathic inferno of illusion

Little by little I played into
Your game of chess

Thinking I was an opponent
In good spirits

But only was the pawn
From the very beginning

Spiraled into your manipulative ways
You were the puppet master

Now I see

And now the damage is done

Over
But not
Really ever

And yet
You still find a way
To pour salt in the wound

And you are not
Even here

Just sharp words
That cut me down to size
Smaller
And smaller
Until I cower once again

My mistake was bowing down
My mistake was valuing
Y O U
Over  M E

Now I'm left
Deeper in the pit
Damaged beyond return

I am broken

Left less of a being
That I was before
1.7k · Apr 2014
Fading Away
Jess Apr 2014
A dim flickering light
Blinks it's last goodbye
Not going out with a flash
But instead slowly fading away

Just like my passion
For everything I once enjoyed
And endless dark
Covering my only love

The art has disappeared
And my heart has gone
No passion flows
No interest grows

A sickening depression
Takes away the passion
Fading like a light
I fear
That it is gone
Forever
1.7k · Jan 2016
Left On the Shelf
Jess Jan 2016
Seems that I always came last

Didn't know how to put myself first

Took care of others to fill a void
That I couldn't place

Tried to be there
Tried to give
What I didn't really have

So I gave up myself
All of me
Everything

To others
Gave it all away

Gave everything I cherished
To those I cherished

Because happiness matters, right?

But my own happiness
I could never find

I don't think I ever had that in mind

Because I gave it to others
So they wouldn't have the void
That ate away at me

Couldn't find myself
But I never had an idea of who I was anyway

Serving the needs of others

So I didn't have to face
The lack of self
That I never gained

So I put myself on a shelf

Saved for later

And collected dust
Forgotten and left alone

For all the years that came
A love that was boundless

Never shined bright enough

So I left myself on the shelf
Hoping someone would
Return the favor

And here I am collecting dust
Left to myself once again

Lost to the world and
Lost to myself

Forgotten
Always forgotten
Always picked last
By those you picked first

A shine that was just never enough
1.5k · Oct 2016
Remembering what?
Jess Oct 2016
Push, pull


Take me away
I cannot stay


All I can say is that
I loved you anyway
1.5k · Oct 2015
...
Jess Oct 2015
...
Feels like you're gone
Don't know if I'm referring to
You or me

Common sense tells me to run
At least until this is safe for me again

I like the hurt
I must be delusional  

I'm watching myself set me on fire
But you're the one pouring the gasoline

Whatever.
This pain in my chest
Brings me to my knees
Crashing down on the floor kneeling
Can't take this any more

Who's the god ****** liar?

You're lying to yourself
To accept the things that you do to me
That you know are not ok

I'm lying to myself
To accept the things that you do to me
That I know are not ok

I know you feel terrible about it
It doesn't make you bad
Just gotta get yourself back

What is this mess?
Where did you go?
This is very disorganized, but so is my mind right now
1.4k · Oct 2015
I'm not sane
Jess Oct 2015
There is something wrong
But I won't admit it
I pour my heart out
In everything I do
Especially for you

Everything I have ever done
For you
Had my entire heart
After all


But what is happening to you
I don't deserve to be treated like this


You're words become like venom
I tear up and tell you
It hurts
It hurts my heart

"Then you're not numb"
Is your emotionless reply

You're aim is to hurt me
So I become numb
Just like you

You take advantage of me
You know I won't leave
Because I love you
With everything I have
Or at least
Had

You've taken it all

You're stripping it away
Little by little
Harsher every time

You're not making me numb
Or stronger

You're just breaking me
Over
And over
And over
Again
And again

And I still take it
Because somewhere I still see
Who you once were
Who you still are
Under the dirt


You think you are alone
So you push everything away
Before it pushes you out
So you create
You're own loneliness

Those demons you speak of
That is you
Not them
It's all you
Not being able to be responsible
For every action you regret

I don't know why you're so scared

Any sane woman would have left
The moment you belittled her
And hurt her
And made her cry
And became irrational

But I'm still here
Looking for the you I once knew
1.4k · Oct 2014
Cruel to be kind
Jess Oct 2014
My heart is breaking
Piece by piece
It's not just a metaphore
Not anymore

I feel it in my chest
Right in my heart
These pangs of pain
You said it's for the best

But how can you decide
What's right for me

I can't let you be

But I'll give you that space
If you could just look at my face

I'm sorry I tried to understand
I went too far
Into those walls built from scars

The tears run down my face
There is no light in this place
You are the sun
But you always run

I'll let it go
If I could just have
Things as they were

Not a fabricated distance
That is only another wall

Please look at me
The way you used to
I miss seeing your face

Your sincere smile
I cannot erase
But I fear
I made it disappear
1.3k · Apr 2016
Into the Tide
Jess Apr 2016
It's such a lovely thought
To  have once had
Everything you've caught
In your palms

Crumble away

As sand does

On a windy shore


Through the spaces
From your fingers

Cascading back
Into  the tide
1.2k · Oct 2015
Snapped
Jess Oct 2015
Wonder if you see what you're doin' to me
How you caused me to be a nervous wreck
Don't know what emotions to expect


Now I'm laughing
Like the Joker, I think this is funny
I don't know why

I'm gonna go cry

Guess you were protecting me
From that monster you didn't want to feed

I don't feel my heart anymore

It's just constantly beating
Not for me
But it's being beaten
Eaten from the inside out
Black and blue
Bruised, cut and bleeding

Oh how cliche

I make myself want to puke
The anger is creeping up on me
Your life turned into one giant cliche
Now it's time for me to pay
You did this to yourself

******* turn the time back
Be careful what you wish for kid
You'll get exactly just that
1.2k · Feb 2016
Cycles
Jess Feb 2016
He told me
I was beautiful



O n c e



He told me
I was ugly


Countless times

In every way



His words always sharp
Laughing like a hyena
Circling a wounded prey


His words always cold
Laced with the venom of a snake
Slowly cutting every chord


His words always hollow


Resonating
With an empty soul
Lost in its darkest thoughts
That he had proven right


But then
He would tell me that

I was beautiful



O n c e







Again
1.2k · May 2016
At Fault
Jess May 2016
Could you blame me
For my mistrust of men

Could you blame me
For every flinch held back

My muscles remember

Your hand,  their hands,  his hand

He wasn't the first one

To show me     l o v e  ?
                    
F  E  A  R

He was just the worst one

Could you blame me

For always looking down
Always leaning away
Always shutting down
Every conversation

Because I'm aftaid
Of where it will inevitably lead

Could you blame me
I've been

Used
And abused

*****

Bruised
Choked
Hit and thrown

Could you blame me
I've been

Taught to be less than
Taught to be useful to others
Taught to be last

Taught that I am nothing

Shown I am nothing

So could you blame me
For being so afraid

Could you blame me*

For not trusting you?
1.1k · Jan 2016
A Love Taught
Jess Jan 2016
Cringing
At the memories you
Left me with

Backed into a corner

Broken on the floor
Tears streaming down

You

Towing over me

As I cower

Covering my naked frame
From your threatening punches

That you stopped

Right before

My face


Over and over


Laughing
Asking

If I really thought that
You were going to hit me


This is the terror
I relive thinking of you

Left shattered
With thoughts suffocating

Shattered
With marks

You left me for dead

Shattered with the thought
That I once trusted you

Memories only prove
To me once more

Trust no one

Love means
Being backed into a corner

Love means
Terror

As you wrap hands around my throat

Love means
Testing me

To see how far
I'd let you take it
Over the edge

That's what love taught me

You weren't the first
But I had prayed
That you weren't the worst
1.0k · Apr 2013
Selfish
Jess Apr 2013
Selfish
Vain
Asinine

Those are words
That convey
Your entire being

I'd rather see you burn
In a cold endless flame

Than have you lecture me
Of lessons you never learned
1.0k · Oct 2012
Tumbling
Jess Oct 2012
If only I had seen
What my life would mean
To me
If only I had seen
How I would watch everything crumble apart
If only I had seen
That I let it fall apart
And fall back inside of me
If only I had seen
What happened to me
870 · Oct 2013
Tired
Jess Oct 2013
A face washed with sorrow
Looking down
As if tomorrow
Should never come
She is
Always tired
Always sad
Always crying
Always mad
Water dripping down
A small little frame
She is lost in this world
857 · Oct 2015
Held Under
Jess Oct 2015
You were the one
That helped me
Find myself
Once again

Lost in an ocean
Drowning in my vices
Of my hurting spirit

You told me it
That it was all me
That I had it in myself
To get up again
The whole time


But I still thanked you
For that helping hand

You reached out

To grab my drowning hand
And you helped
Me pull myself out

But now

I'm drowning again

And this time
You're the one holding me under

You are crushing everything
You've told me
That was so positive
So helpful
So kind
So caring

And you tell me
Exactly what I was telling myself
While I was drowning

I don't know why
You are doing this to me

You make me feel
So worthless

I feel a pain
Strait in my chest
For every time you hurt me
With venomous words
And a contorted face
Of misplaced anger

You even said
That I'm worthless
You told me I was pathetic

You told me
"I can say whatever I want to you,
And do whatever I want to you,
because I'll never lose you.
"

While you held me in you're arms

Stupid me
Said yeah...
Because it's true
I love you
Too much for my own good

That was
The most defeated voice
I've ever heard in myself

Where have you gone?
Please come back to me, I know this is not you at all.
801 · Jul 2015
Dream Forever
Jess Jul 2015
Reality has always been
So far away from me
I had you once
But maybe I never really did
Only created the illusion

Acting the way you do
Makes one feel like those feelings
Are returned
For once

Maybe for a moment they were
Returned only in those moments

I still love you
And I'm sure I always will
For everything that you are
You are still home to me

I wish I could be yours
I thought I was
Never official
But who needs labels

But that was wishful thinking
Being led on by encouraging actions

We do have something special
But I wish I had you to myself
I think I'm selfish after all

At least I have you in my dreams
I dream about you often
And in that time
I have you
And you have me
And both are equal
Everything I have ever wanted
Continues while I sleep
Sometimes I never want to wake up
Why would I want to wake up
Only to be slapped across the face
I wish I could dream forever
694 · May 2013
Simple Smile
Jess May 2013
From the vast nothingness
I see a smile
A smile that is unmistakable
A smile that warms the hearts
Of all those it reaches
A smile that gives hope
A smile that teaches to see the good
In even the most
Treacherous beings
I see your smile
Your gentleness radiates from it
And it is the one thing
That keeps this lost little one
From sinking further
Into the frigid ocean
684 · Jan 2014
Devour
Jess Jan 2014
There is a strange beauty in darkness
But it seems to devour you
For it too wants to reach
Out to the light
Perhaps it has forgotten how to
610 · Mar 2015
Apathetic Aftermath
Jess Mar 2015
Things that meant the world to me
Never meant a single thing to you
Wasted three years
Now I'll be wasted come 3 'o clock
Climbed over mountains
Trekked through the bitter coldness
Of a soul that was insane
All for you
And my misplaced love
That never was
Only a figment of my imagination
531 · Jul 2015
Endlessly
Jess Jul 2015
One word
One nasty word
Is all it takes
For my world to come
Crashing down
One word from you
Is a thousand words of others
One word from you
Breaks me
Or makes me

I am not stupid
I know your game
Hurt me so you can protect me
From yourself
No matter what my opinion will
Never change and I will always
Love you just the same
Endlessly
525 · Apr 2013
Splintered
Jess Apr 2013
Dirtied faces
Tainted with flowing crimson

Walking a dead dusty path
Rotting with decay

Feet dragging with discontent
Splintered bones aching away

The journey endless
Days blistering into nights and

Nights that make sub degree temperatures
A blessing of warmth

Traveling souls
Corrupted by life
Stained by regrets

Walking endlessly into oblivion
495 · May 2013
Passionless
Jess May 2013
A passionless day
A Sleepless night
Empty of emotions
Tell me why
I cannot feel
Anything anymore
Is is this tiny pill?
Or is it me,
Getting worse?
487 · May 2013
Last Trace
Jess May 2013
The last trace
Of your kiss
From seasons ago
Still lingers
Upon my lips
Oh how I wish
That I could hold
On to you
For just
A little longer
477 · May 2013
Dreams of You
Jess May 2013
The kindness
In your voice
Resonates
Within my soul

The gentleness
Of your actions
Speaks to
These once
Lost eyes

The caring tone
Of your voice
Hugs my soul gently

Dreams of you
Lull me to sleep
476 · Apr 2013
Anxiety
Jess Apr 2013
The
Anxiety
Of actions
That never mattered

Haunt me

Like an
Abandoned thought

Stored away
In the back
Of my mind

Digging its way
Into my conscious form

Consuming me entirely

Until
I fall
Once again
Into the oblivion
462 · Oct 2012
The Blackness
Jess Oct 2012
Fall into yourself again

                                  You
                                       Cannot


                       Make it out again


It’s the black again
445 · Sep 2014
Take my hand
Jess Sep 2014
You lack emotion in your eyes
I can see all the fears you face
All the tears you've cried
I see it in your eyes
You hide the pain
I'll never let you deal with it alone
I'll be right here
If you'll let me
I'll sit outside the door when you cannot bare to talk
I'll be right here
Picking up the broken pieces
No matter how many times it takes
I'll fix you
I'll love you
If you let me
And even then I will still try
I'll be right here
To show you the love you lost
When everything seems to fall away
And hope begins to fray
Don't believe all the lies
Meant to bring you down
I will always be right here
I'll show you the way out
When the way seems so far
Let me love you when you break
Just take my hand
403 · Apr 2013
Hollow
Jess Apr 2013
Sometimes
To disappear
Is what I want

To be hollow
Is what I am
402 · Jul 2013
You call this a life?
Jess Jul 2013
All I can feel
Is the constant pull
That plunges me downward
Until I am pushed
To the edge
Once again

A constant struggle
With pills and drinks
Living and dying

Silently in the abyss
That swallows me whole

You call this a life?
401 · Mar 2013
Return to the Depths
Jess Mar 2013
To me
You are the epitome of wonderful
You bring the light into my hollow world
But you see
That I am swallowed
By the dark
Every day seems so much
Further away
I return to the depths
And every day
You pull me out
But every night
I return to the depths
399 · Jul 2015
Help
Jess Jul 2015
Help me
Please
That is all I want to ask
Just sometimes
Just a little bit

It is seldom existent
In my own mental vocabulary

But ah, you see
For others
That is the first word
That comes to mind

Help
Help others
Help people
Help yourself

But never
Help myself

Well, I'm asking now
Someone help me, please
Just this once
I promise I won't ever ask again
But someone
Please
Help me
Can't sleep...
397 · Apr 2013
Frozen Time
Jess Apr 2013
Frozen in time
I sit inside my mind
The screaming has halted
But a silent chill has crept up

Frozen in time
I see what can't be felt
The times that never happened
They were only a glimmer of hope

Frozen in time
I wish what I felt was real
But alas I only can ever have myself

Frozen in time
My shadows cradle me
Lulling me to sleep with the lies of my mind
397 · Mar 2013
Down on the Floor
Jess Mar 2013
Down on the floor
I forget
The sparkling sky
I forget
The happiest moments
Down on the floor
I look up to nothing
For there is nothing
Down on the floor
I coil and remember the things that I abhor
396 · May 2013
Let Me Out
Jess May 2013
Let me out
Of this encased mind

Let me out
Of this trapped body

Let me out
Of my thoughts

That drag me down
To the pits of Hell

Can you hear
The demons that
Surround me?

Let me out

Help me
Let go
And release
All of this pain
395 · Oct 2015
Who are you
Jess Oct 2015
It's not you when
You intentionally hurt me
With a voice laced with venom
And words like  knives  
                                      
It's not you when
You crush me
After you've built me up
It's not you!

I know you
It doesn't feel like you
Shivers go down my spine
Your energy feels like a malevolent stranger
I wait for it with feared anticipation


Where did you go?

Once I felt safe
You were home

Comfortable
I was happy

Now I'm just
Afraid      
                      of you
Paranoid                  just like you

For you're own actions
That you blame on me
I accept it
Because I believe you


Where did you go?

You aren't my friend I once knew
You aren't who I fell love with.

Who are you?
What's happening to you...
392 · Mar 2013
Shadows
Jess Mar 2013
Nervous eyes
         Searching for something to latch on to
Flickering thoughts
s l o w l y
                             f  a  d  i  n  g
                                              ­          a   w   a   y

Searching for a way out
Reaching into nothingness
g r a s p i n g

                                                   d  e  s  p  e  r  a  t  e  l  y

Flashes of laughter in the distance
You can't reach the sound
The shadows
They come
c   l   o   s   e   r

                          c  l  o  s  e  r

               ­                                             c l o s e r

You panic
   And run to them
380 · Mar 2013
Fade
Jess Mar 2013
This is how I died
Trembling in the cold nothingness
Dark shadowed hands groping at my form
Only inches tall
Walking, slowly
With tears running down
A dirtied face
Staring at the cold unpaved ground
Clothes torn and frayed with lost time
Wasting away
Crumbling into dust
My bones start to break
Frail and useless
Falling into the ground
Where they belong
Along with my unconscious form
Into the dirt
I am buried
Shadows pick away at the remains
For I am faded
I am nothing
I return to nothing
366 · Sep 2014
The End
Jess Sep 2014
There is something deep inside
Burning like flames within

Witness to all the suffering
This world is an empty promise

Build me up
Watch me crumble

Keeping this saint-like mind
Is hard when I know
I'm dying inside

Suffering for myself
And for others
I find myself lost
Wanting to shoulder all the pain

Do I give in
Or keep on going

You say I'm too good for the world
But baby, I say I'm stripped away
Everything has been betrayed

This will be the end of me

I'm far too young to fade

I want to give in
To the pain
The rage

Everything is black and white
Stripped away of the grey

Breaking apart
This will be the end of me
346 · Oct 2012
Fallen
Jess Oct 2012
Fallen angels
Do not cry
They sympathize
When they try
341 · Sep 2014
Untitled
Jess Sep 2014
There's gotta be a way out
From these chains holding me

My heart is breaking apart
Spinning around in this illusion

Or am I disillusioned

My mind is breaking down further

I walk through these shards of glass
Just to be with you

Desperate for some kind of revelation
Holding on to desire

You are the only hope I can see
Dying to believe

It's part of me
You are the light to me
Faith in the one you love, no matter how crazy you sound.
319 · Jul 2015
.
Jess Jul 2015
.
'tis the most painful curse
To have a heart
Much bigger than yourself
318 · Mar 2013
Stars
Jess Mar 2013
Sparkling wires and flashing screens
Seemed to have lost their value
In the night sky
The stars have spoken to me
And in the end
That is all I need
316 · Apr 2013
Forgotten
Jess Apr 2013
There is
One thing

That needs to be spoken
About this

Broken soul

Her fear is
A petrifying thought

That consumes her
Every day

This lost and wandering ghost

Is afraid

Of never
Being found

She is
Afraid of

Being
*F o r g o t t e n
306 · May 2013
Unknown Game
Jess May 2013
Perhaps
You really did
Steal my heart
Are you running away with it?
Or did you throw it to the ground?
I don't believe you would do either
But I am so unsure
Of what you want
Do you even want it?
You seemed to
Now
I'm not
So sure
Anymore
297 · Nov 2015
Revelations
Jess Nov 2015
Something lost

You have to lose your mind

Something gained*

To find yourself again
Baby steps
276 · May 2013
Low
Jess May 2013
Low
Sometimes
It is the lows
That make
You feel
The highest
You have ever been
Soaring through
The skies
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