I hate that I’m not stronger
I hate that I’m so scared
I hate the control that you still have
I hate that I still care
I hate that I can’t cut you off
That my lips can’t say goodbye
I hate that you still make me laugh
I hate that you still make me cry.
I hate that the only time I write
Is when I’m writing about you
That after everything that’s happened
Your love is still my muse.  
I hate the fact that I still love you
Even if it’s not the same
I hate that we’re in this ******* mess
And I’m the one to blame.
But mostly I wish I hated you
As much as I hate me
Cause maybe then I would be happier
Maybe then I’d finally feel free.

I am defeated
As I lay myself bare
I have nothing left to give

The same lonely walls
Sterile rooms
And dead eyes

The loneliness
Is swallowing me
Whole

The sky is crying
And so am I

Our souls intertwine
Differently now.
My heart beats
Differently now.
Your presence feels
Different now.
Everything
Is
Different
Now.

I could’ve spent the rest of my life with you

It’s an odd thing
You know
Having a front row seat
To my own self destruction.
Being so mentally broken
Yet so painfully self aware

And in those moments,
However fleeting,
I thought we would make it;
I thought we were infinite

And so I wait
For the ghost melodies in my favorite songs
To stop whispering your name

I don’t know the last time the skin
Kissed itself on the corners of my eyes
My laughs are as hollow
As the smile they emanate from

You peeled back all of the rotten layers of my existence
Until I laid bare before you
And you planted kisses on my skin
And in those moments I felt seen
I felt understood
I felt loved

Some moments I think I’ll be okay.
Like the earth beneath my feet isn’t shaking
Like my castle isn’t crumbling
Like every fiber of my existence doesn’t belong to you.
But then the earthquakes come
And the waves of emotion ensue
And I’m forced to face the fact
That now I’ll have to cherish the thought of you
For longer than I had you
And I’m forced to face the fact that I will not know The amazing things you’ll do
Nor the amazing person you’ll grow to be
I will no longer know what it’s like
To kiss you
To hug you
To laugh with you
To hold hands with you
To wake up everyday next to you.
To make memories with you

I’ll no longer know what it’s like to grow old with you

You brought me peace
And happiness
And home

I will drop everything,
and stay,
all you have to do
is ask.

i whisper
"you are my everything"
into the darkness
in hopes that one day
you will echo them back from within

You will always be
My favorite form of self harm

I love you,
Ask me to stay and I will.
Tell me you love me
And I will drop everything
And stay.

Every time I opened a door
I pray that when I walk through
I’ll be transported to another universe
Where you’re at home waiting for me
On the other side

If I am left,
Then he is right.
If he is day,
Then I am night.
If he is right,
Then I am wrong.
If I am dusk,
He is dawn.
If I am here
Then he is there.
If he is grounded
Then I’m in the air.
If I am weak
Then he is strong.
And if things don’t change
Soon he’ll be gone

You,
My love,
Are a walking galaxy.
So full of beauty,
Mystery,
And passion.
You,
My love,
Are a walking miracle;
The entire cosmos in a single being.
You,
My love,
Have the universe in your eyes,
The stars in your soul,
And stardust in your bones.
You,
My love,
Are brilliant in every way.
Remember that the next time
Anyone makes you feel
Any less than what you are

Since you've been gone,
I have been slowly rebuilding myself.
A garden devastated by tornado
will soon grow the most beautiful flowers.

You peeled back
all of the layers of my existence
to reveal cracks
in my weathered being.
My soul eroded and destroyed
from the harshest of rains
and the most unforgiving storms

Dear fierce,
and little warrior.
The battle you are fighting
will not be won overnight
and your sword is so heavy.
You deserve to put it down;
you deserve to rest.

I’ve resorted to making wishes on dandelions
For miracles
I know
Will never come

Why am I not good enough?

I gave you
A piece of me
Under the impression
That you
Would put a piece of you
Back in its place.
But time and time again,
I am left wanting.
Empty
And alone
With nothing left
To give

She covers her body in art
Hoping one day someone will look at her
And think her beautiful

Etched into my headstone
please write
"eternally happy,
eternally free"

This morning
I sat in the shower
Staring at the razor
On the edge of my tub
Wondering
If the water would turn cold
Before my body did

Your words cut deep
like daggers as they leave your mouth
but all my brain hears is
he loves me,
he loves me,
he loves me

I wanted you to love me
so I tried to play your game
I changed everything about myself
but for me you never changed.
I wanted you to love me
so I made myself so small,
but I loved, and cared, and nurtured you,
I wanted you to have it all.
I wanted you to love me,
I became a chameleon just for you,
I thought the harder I love, the better you'd be
but in the end that wasn't true.
I wanted you to love me
I changed my attitude, my clothes, my hair.
I  became so unrecognizable
you didn't even ******* care.
I will never be enough for you
no matter how hard I try.
I think it's time to let you go
I think it's time to say goodbye.
But God, I wanted you to love me
the way no one ever had
but now I've come to realize
loneliness doesn't sound so bad.

One by one
the list gets longer.
Promises of continuity
turn into emotional tourism.
The word "goodbye"
has built a permanent home
behind my teeth.
But despite the familiarity,
I am still left with a bitter taste.
Alone, I choke on the silence
as I sit in the presence
you once filled
wondering what the hell
is so wrong with me
that no one ever stays

How many times
must I fall
before I stumble
upon the right one?

You are my favorite chapter
in the story of my life.
Your page is dog eared
so once I reach the end,
I can come back to you.

It is 6 AM
And the light of the morning
spilling through the cracks of the blinds
is a bittersweet reminder
that yet another day has passed
and I am still here.
I can't help but think
with each rising sun,
that maybe,
just maybe,
I will be okay.

Still looking
For something beautiful in life
To make my heart sing
Like you did

You became
A distant memory,
Nothing left of you
But a story for the moon

Your presence calms
my restless soul.
As we sit on the couch,
my head on your chest,
I am lost in the waves
of your breathing
and the soft rhythm
of your heart beat.
It's here,
now,
just you and me,
everything is calm,
and time finally
stands still.

The colors
dance in waves
across the darkening sky;
a beautiful calm before the storm.
The kind of calm
the world only experiences
in the early hours of the morning
when everyone is asleep
before the weight of everything
comes crashing down on it.

My existence
Just
Feels
So
Heavy

Suddenly you transformed
Into a broken mirror.
All of the ugly, fragmented shards
Of my soul
Staring right back at me.

Leave it to the mind
Of a flower
To deny the beauty of
It’s own petals
Even though
It shares the same soil
As all of the others

I want to lay with you
Late at night
And exchange loving words,
The moon and the stars
Our only witness

Tonight
I stood in front of the mirror
Bottle in hand
The world as blurry as my feelings.
Someone please help me

You reached into my ribcage
And pulled out my heart
And the second it rested in your hands
It started to fall apart.
Everyone who’s ever held it
Broke it a little more
Leaving it more fragile
Than it ever was before.
My heart is way too delicate
And it has too many cracks
And the pieces didn’t fit quite right
When they were put back.
You took one look and made a face
And put it back into my chest
And said, “I’m sorry this will never work
But I wish you all the best”.
I wasn’t mad, I didn’t cry,
I was almost fine,
After all who could love
Such an ugly heart like mine.

As the smoke clears
I am left with the perfect image
Of the destruction I caused.
Here the air is heavy,
The weight of my mistakes
occupies all of the space in my lungs.
And tonight,
As I stand alone,
The urge to etch my flaws
Into my skin
Overwhelms me.
It craves the kiss of cold metal.
I am fighting a never ending battle
And my body keeps the score.

I am forever walking a tightrope
Between feeling nothing
And feeling everything.
I don’t know what’s worse,
Drowning in a sea of endless despair
Or never feeling the rain
Cleanse my soul again.

He leaves little wild fires
As he trails his fingers along my skin
And softly breathes life back into me.
Is this love?

He finds beauty
In all of the ugliest corners
Of my existence
And trails kisses on my scars
Sweetly,
Tenderly.
His lips plant flowers
In the cracks of my skin
Until nothing but beauty remains

It wasn’t until I met you
That I realized people
Are supposed to live
In your heart.
That’s why it has chambers.