The air I breathe
Feels like bricks
In my chest

Wake up
Go to work
Lay in bed alone
Feeling the crushing weight
Of loneliness
And all my past mistakes.

Repeat

Meeting you
Was like listening
To my favorite song
For the very first time
And already knowing
All the words

Already knowing
It’d be my favorite.

Loving you is like being awake
But falling into the sweetest dream.

And now,
the only constant in my life
is my depression

in my dreams
i am drowing in a sea of emotion.
my head held just below the surface of the water
and all i have to breathe through is a straw

I wish for a love
As romantic
As the moon

and when i see you
with your new love as i pass by
the smile and the laugh
of a man that was once mine
maybe that's just how all of this
is supposed to be

I think of our life
and how special our love was
I worry no time can heal
the loss of what was once ours
I just pray to god that
you won't forget about me.

from the first date we went on
i knew that i loved you
adventures awaited
we shared all of the best views.
i think of our memories
and how they're a full lifetimes worth.

and since you've been gone
i've lost all motivation
the house that i live in
rests on shaky foundation
your love was the last thing
truly keeping me down on this earth.

And as time passes on
i know you'll forget all about me
the love that we shared
just a whisper of memory
you'll move on with your life
and leave me behind in '24

we had plans for our future
and the rest of our lives
ready to take on the world
and whatever problem arise
it just kills me to know
that I can't call you mine anymore

Some days are good days
Some days are bad days
Some days I simply exist

I loved you with my entire heart
my entire soul
my entire existence.
Every broken part of me
belonged to you.

The curtains close
And leave me in a suffocating darkness.
My senses shut down
And I feel trapped.
My depression, the only thing in the room that I can acknowledge
Sweeps me into her arms
And comforts me with the idea
Of eternity.

I would crawl
across broken glass
just for another chance
at a love like ours.

You were the last thing tethering me here

The curtains close
And leave me in suffocating darkness.
My senses shut down
As I scramble for some semblance of safety.
Only once the curtains have lifted
And the light shines through
Am I able to see the extent
Of the chaos and destruction that I’ve created
It’s like a dissociated nightmare
And a lucid front row seat
To the brutal and ugly aftermath

It’s getting late now
So pull me in tight
Whisper I love you
And kiss me goodnight
Before you go

Will you remember me
When you go away
Cause I was kinda hoping
that you would stay

Won’t you stay my dear
I promise it’s worth it
We’ll be together
Like it’s the last night of the earth yeah
We’ll sit and watch as the stars explode
But they’ll never shine as bright as your soul
And I promise that I’ll never let you go

It’s getting late now
So let’s look to the sky
Make wishes on airplanes as they
Float on by
I’ll run away
The moment you say so
Just take my hand
I don’t care where we go

Won’t you stay my dear
I promise it’s worth it
We’ll be together
Like it’s the last night of the earth yeah
We’ll sit and watch as the stars explode
But they’ll never shine as bright as your soul
And I promise that I’ll never let you go

So don’t change your mind
We’ll leave this town behind
So don’t change your mind
We’ll leave this town behind

Won’t you stay my dear
I promise it’s worth it
We’ll be together
Like it’s the last night of the earth yeah
We’ll sit and watch as the stars explode
But they’ll never shine as bright as your soul
And I promise that I’ll never let you go

I hate that I’m not stronger
I hate that I’m so scared
I hate the control that you still have
I hate that I still care
I hate that I can’t cut you off
That my lips can’t say goodbye
I hate that you still make me laugh
I hate that you still make me cry.
I hate that the only time I write
Is when I’m writing about you
That after everything that’s happened
Your love is still my muse.  
I hate the fact that I still love you
Even if it’s not the same
I hate that we’re in this ******* mess
And I’m the one to blame.
But mostly I wish I hated you
As much as I hate me
Cause maybe then I would be happier
Maybe then I’d finally feel free.

I am defeated
As I lay myself bare
I have nothing left to give

The same lonely walls
Sterile rooms
And dead eyes

The loneliness
Is swallowing me
Whole

The sky is crying
And so am I

Our souls intertwine
Differently now.
My heart beats
Differently now.
Your presence feels
Different now.
Everything
Is
Different
Now.

I could’ve spent the rest of my life with you

It’s an odd thing
You know
Having a front row seat
To my own self destruction.
Being so mentally broken
Yet so painfully self aware

And in those moments,
However fleeting,
I thought we would make it;
I thought we were infinite

And so I wait
For the ghost melodies in my favorite songs
To stop whispering your name

I don’t know the last time the skin
Kissed itself on the corners of my eyes
My laughs are as hollow
As the smile they emanate from

You peeled back all of the rotten layers of my existence
Until I laid bare before you
And you planted kisses on my skin
And in those moments I felt seen
I felt understood
I felt loved

Some moments I think I’ll be okay.
Like the earth beneath my feet isn’t shaking
Like my castle isn’t crumbling
Like every fiber of my existence doesn’t belong to you.
But then the earthquakes come
And the waves of emotion ensue
And I’m forced to face the fact
That now I’ll have to cherish the thought of you
For longer than I had you
And I’m forced to face the fact that I will not know The amazing things you’ll do
Nor the amazing person you’ll grow to be
I will no longer know what it’s like
To kiss you
To hug you
To laugh with you
To hold hands with you
To wake up everyday next to you.
To make memories with you

I’ll no longer know what it’s like to grow old with you

You brought me peace
And happiness
And home

I will drop everything,
and stay,
all you have to do
is ask.

i whisper
"you are my everything"
into the darkness
in hopes that one day
you will echo them back from within

You will always be
My favorite form of self harm

I love you,
Ask me to stay and I will.
Tell me you love me
And I will drop everything
And stay.

Every time I opened a door
I pray that when I walk through
I’ll be transported to another universe
Where you’re at home waiting for me
On the other side

If I am left,
Then he is right.
If he is day,
Then I am night.
If he is right,
Then I am wrong.
If I am dusk,
He is dawn.
If I am here
Then he is there.
If he is grounded
Then I’m in the air.
If I am weak
Then he is strong.
And if things don’t change
Soon he’ll be gone

You,
My love,
Are a walking galaxy.
So full of beauty,
Mystery,
And passion.
You,
My love,
Are a walking miracle;
The entire cosmos in a single being.
You,
My love,
Have the universe in your eyes,
The stars in your soul,
And stardust in your bones.
You,
My love,
Are brilliant in every way.
Remember that the next time
Anyone makes you feel
Any less than what you are

Since you've been gone,
I have been slowly rebuilding myself.
A garden devastated by tornado
will soon grow the most beautiful flowers.

You peeled back
all of the layers of my existence
to reveal cracks
in my weathered being.
My soul eroded and destroyed
from the harshest of rains
and the most unforgiving storms

Dear fierce,
and little warrior.
The battle you are fighting
will not be won overnight
and your sword is so heavy.
You deserve to put it down;
you deserve to rest.

I’ve resorted to making wishes on dandelions
For miracles
I know
Will never come

Why am I not good enough?

I gave you
A piece of me
Under the impression
That you
Would put a piece of you
Back in its place.
But time and time again,
I am left wanting.
Empty
And alone
With nothing left
To give

She covers her body in art
Hoping one day someone will look at her
And think her beautiful

Etched into my headstone
please write
"eternally happy,
eternally free"

This morning
I sat in the shower
Staring at the razor
On the edge of my tub
Wondering
If the water would turn cold
Before my body did

Your words cut deep
like daggers as they leave your mouth
but all my brain hears is
he loves me,
he loves me,
he loves me

I wanted you to love me
so I tried to play your game
I changed everything about myself
but for me you never changed.
I wanted you to love me
so I made myself so small,
but I loved, and cared, and nurtured you,
I wanted you to have it all.
I wanted you to love me,
I became a chameleon just for you,
I thought the harder I love, the better you'd be
but in the end that wasn't true.
I wanted you to love me
I changed my attitude, my clothes, my hair.
I  became so unrecognizable
you didn't even ******* care.
I will never be enough for you
no matter how hard I try.
I think it's time to let you go
I think it's time to say goodbye.
But God, I wanted you to love me
the way no one ever had
but now I've come to realize
loneliness doesn't sound so bad.

One by one
the list gets longer.
Promises of continuity
turn into emotional tourism.
The word "goodbye"
has built a permanent home
behind my teeth.
But despite the familiarity,
I am still left with a bitter taste.
Alone, I choke on the silence
as I sit in the presence
you once filled
wondering what the hell
is so wrong with me
that no one ever stays

How many times
must I fall
before I stumble
upon the right one?

You are my favorite chapter
in the story of my life.
Your page is dog eared
so once I reach the end,
I can come back to you.