This life is new to me and I am learning to enjoy the moments. There have been many first times just this year. I now understand what it means to love at first sight. Loving unconditionally has been taught from watching my children love their mates. There are new fights that are being fought. No not with hands as we grow those fights are done away with. The fight for another day is with in me.
While many other things are on constant repeat. There are many new experiences that are being had. Today was the first day that I believe my sister finally tried to understand me. People sometimes paint you to be the person that they think that you are. Or who they want you to be. When I listen to people tell me who I am. What kind of person have always been and it is laughable. It is more than strange that people can know you all of your life and know nothing about you. I have been told that, “you only let people get so close.” This might be true but if I do it should say a lot to you. Trust is earned and never just given.
If I push you away it is because you put me in the situation to. New dreams and heart beats warm my inner being. My mind-set is different. Before I wanted you to know that I am there for you and would put myself to the side to provide. I never looked for anything in return. That mind-set has changed. I can no longer give my all to everyone. I have learned to replenish myself no other human can do that for me.
I am not returning calls that I don’t want to make. I will no longer participate in events to show others that I care. I will not lack sleep to benefit someone that does not deserve my attention. If I delete you I am not interested in knowing that you are offended. You earned your deletion and I hope that you do well. With these small first's I can’t wait to see what more is to come.

Can I love him like I love you? The men now want to be the child. Unfortunatelyourtunitly, the men are use to bring taken care of. It's just not what a real lady wants. I want a grown man..someone that makes sure that I know that they are there. Make sure that I'm okay..that I have what I need. Not that a man doesn't have feelings because we know that they do. But if I'm the weaker vessels why I'm I catering to you. It's your job to be the back bone. Sure there are some people that want to play reverse rolls. I'm not them not do I want to be. People speak about women's rights. I have the right to be respected and speak as I need and have my mans back. Yet, I need my man to be a man. Teach him all of the good that you are. That way I can love him like I love you❤.

Minds are not changed by having the ability to control. Only actions are maneuvered or subdued. You imprinting fear upon her soul does not make her love you. It is also not a show of love from you. When you allow someone to move the way that they need and want that is love.  
Your fear of losing is shining through as your grip tightens. She sees you for the coward that you are. Your threats are going to put your silly behind…behind bars. If she leaves what will you do? Will you stalk her and try to make her come back. In her mind she will just be looking for the next chance to get away from you.
We cage animals not humans the actions of you controlling shows that you are losing. Not just your lady but your mind. Is this how you thought that you would be so crazy? Under that tension and fight there are issues that are undealt with.
Counseling changes lives and the way that minds think. It helps loose cannons become meek. Mild with thoughts of natural pleasure. It will help you get yourself together. If you were her would you stay or would you run? If you say that you would stay then we know that you are Cray Cray.
No normal person wants to wake up in fear. Not knowing if their mate is going to lose it. Then you lose your life. Allow her to be free to fly. Control is not love it is a hold from the unwanted.

The way that we say things can alter how someone takes in information. Our tone and expression show if and how we care. Your natural inclination might be harsh and witty. Is it wise to use that tone with all? If we are to be peaceable you must also exude peace.

Does your arrogance out way your human kindness?
As we grow our thoughts and mindsets change. We adapt to the understanding that we get what we give. There is no doubt I am not a believer in returning the favor or giving a dig for a dig.

As we deal with people we want to see them as precious porcelain. Remembering that we should all be treated with kindness. If we fail to do this, we are teaching and entrenching retaliation and anger. Many use the words, “peace be still”. Sometimes we need to allow our mind and actions just be still and we might gain peace.

It is strange how time changes things. There was a time when we never missed a day of speaking. We ate, breathed and slept the same thoughts. I could read your thoughts even over the   phone. Time has changed us. There are days that I don’t want to speak to you. When I do I wonder what it is that I seen in you. You are still adorable that is true. But your mindset is stagnant and I no long get you.

How does someone of a mature age want nothing in life? How does someone your age not want to strive? Now, I am not trying to be negative at all. But if you want to be my man you need to evolve. If I marry you and the bills need to be paid, are you going to hand them to me? If I let you be my one, would my strength not take your dignity? As a Lady of passion I see the man that you could be.

Yet, I can’t force you to be what I need. That is something that you have to do yourself you see. If I did not love you I would have left already. I am fighting to stay, hoping that you will change. I promise not to give my love away. But you have to do better. You need to want more. I am not your mommy and I don’t want to burp you anymore. Stay true to yourself in all that you do. When you get yourself ready, you better hope that I am still here for you.

If I know what you are going to say before you say it, you disappoint me. If you copy what I do and lack personality ...you disappoint me. I look at some people and watch how they watch me. You seem to be annoyed, yet you try to use my words. My actions you copy.
I don't understand why, you try to act they way that I do. I was born into this personality. I did not built it. Be who you are, if I speak to you, there is something about your boring little life that is admirable. So admire yourself. There are some that pretend that they don't need love, yet you ooze hate. Fact: you need love and were unloved as a child. Learn to love yourself, otherwise no one will love you the way that you need.
Ha, yes! You disappointment me. Are you always looking to blame things on others? Do you look for people to harass because you are unhappy? I hate to say it, but you disappoint me. Do you disappoint yourself? I know that you do, when you say things out loud, you hear if from another persons standpoint, then, only then, can you really hear what you need to.
This will allow you to better who you are. If you are a disappointment, things can change for you. Self help, work on you. Don't focus on me, I love me..funny, witty and silly! If you see something that you like about me or anyone, make it yours. I don't look good on you.

If tomorrow never comes don’t mourn for me because I have finally found good sleep. No, I won’t be able to hear you as you post your fake love on social media. Because I will have finally found the true meaning of peace. I won’t hear or see your tears because I will be asleep. You won’t find me in heaven or your term of hell. For these things don’t exist for me. I will not be among the ones that reign in heaven although I do hope that they enjoy their new life. Nor will I be burning in hell, Hell is a common grave and no God of mine would treat people that way.
He is a God of love and mercy so know that, if tomorrow never comes I have the hope of the resurrection. Make sure that My children know that they are my heart and that I hope to see them when I awake. For those that I have spoke the word from the bible with, I hope that they continue to learn. If tomorrow never comes for those that lost contact stay lost. Please don’t come around I won’t be able to see or hear you. But there is no love lost.
If tomorrow never comes remember that those that you love must know it. Serve Jehovah to the full he is so amazing and deserves your love and so much more. Those that were there with and for me you mean the world to me. Don’t run up bills on student loans or trying to buy homes. Travel and give love where it’s needed and deserved. If tomorrow never comes I will see you in the new world. Same girl but we will be in a perfect world!

It's okay to not be ready. To want something but just not know if it's a good fit. Doing everything the right way also doesn't mean that it will all turn out perfect. Making such a permanent move can change your entire life. Is it worth it and will the change be painful? It's easy to stay in the same situation. The comfort of knowing what will happen everyday will keep a mind at ease. Yet, if change comes what will the day look like? The transition should be easy and without questions.  To live in fear of what could be equals emptiness. It could also leave one stagnant. The heart wants change but I'm just not sure.

It is hard to tell everyone that needs to know the same thing at the same time. Without sharing it with those that might not need to know. Follow along as I take you on a short ride
I care for many. I am friends with few maybe just two. I trust none but my siblings. I would give my last if I thought that you not only needed it but deserved it. We have all had the same opportunities in life. With your extra, you drink, drug and ***. With mine I give to my children. I don't ask you for anything. We don't talk yet you feel comfortable opening your mouth to ask me for something. How dare you. I use to try to understand the thinking of everyone. I thought to myself, how can I help you if I don't understand you. I now understand that you are all about you. Uncaring, greedy and selfish. I am none of those, but I also owe you none of me. This journey has helped me to see that I owe you nothing. Does it hurt me not to help you? Yes! But for the love of my self, I will not. We all need someone sometime. But using people is not the answer. If it is not my sibling, children or real friend...don't ask for nothing! If you desire for things to change you need to change. Build trust, be there just to be there. Not because you have needs. I can't deal with over-grown people throwing their needs on me!

Many times, we put everyone ahead of ourselves. We feed people and forget to eat. We love people and forget to love ourselves. If someone that we care about needs something we will drive hours away to give them what we believe that they need. Even if we are not in the best situation to do so.
There is nothing wrong with having love for others. In fact, that this is what makes us human our love. The way that we give and share our time with people. Not just our loved ones but those that may not be able to assist themselves. Before you reach out to be there for everyone do a self-check.
Make sure that you are okay. Will whatever you are going to give put you in a bad situation. Not financially but mentally and physically. We need to be balanced in all that we do. Don’t give to everyone else and have nothing to give to yourself. It is not selfish to take care of you. When you are down ask yourself …who is going to care for you? If you don’t have and answer continue with your self check. Make sure that you love you then them.

Life gets so busy as children grow they graduate and get married. If we allow it..the world and people around us will shape our thinking. Seeing the way people treat you it allows you to see how they view you.                                                   If you accept their way of thinking you might allow the thoughts of others to shape who you are. With an immature person this occurs all of the time. Let's look at the slaves. If one person was afraid to learn to read the majority became afraid. The same with running to freedom...not all were prepared to run.                                           So they stopped others by telling on them so that they should not go. Some told when others were running. If those that ran listened to those that stayed who would have taken that underground railroad? I respect everyone's standpoint..yet, it is not the thoughts that I own an cherish. Your road is not mine to travel.                                               Although, my feet might burn an my sweat might pour from traveling my way. The lessons that I learn..I will use them to to make those that come behind me build a far better road than even I have traveled.

Awe Evie you came here fighting. Pulling the oxygen out of your nose. Trying to get out of the incubator you were not having it little girl. You are such a doll baby with a beautiful face. I love your orange hair I can't wait to see what color it will turn out to be. You are named after me Ms. Evieana Lillian. I'm named after my grandmother which makes you the third. My grandmother had red hair she was biracial just like you. So it's so cute that you have her name orange hair and spunky attitude. I thank you for being strong enough to fight. Wonderful enough to love and a small bundle enough to hug and kiss on. You are my Lilly boo and I thank Jehovah that I got the chance to meet you❤.

Isaiah you are such a joy. I don't think that I've ever met anyone so happy. Even when you cry you try to smile. You are so innocent and I love that.
You see only the good in everyone.
I can't believe that you belong to me and there is not one mean bone in your body. How did this happen? We can't always understand how our babies become so much better than we are. We can just thank Jehovah that it is so. Your Lovey loves you to the moon and back.
My first grandbaby and first grandson.
I love you with all of my being. You are my sun, moon and stars. Your knowledge for technology is beyond believable. My Izzy baby I look forward to seeing the amazing little person you become.

Ms. Naomi you were such a surprise. I did not know what to think where I heard that you were coming. When I looked into those big pretty eyes I fell in love. You were born with sarcasm and a warm heart.
You are like your grandma.
At just a few weeks you and your Mommy were arguing. You wanted to eat and she was learning to feed you. You pushed her and fussed and she fussed back. I knew then that you were a fighter.
One day as I held you your eyes were closed.
I kept trying to get you to open them. You turned your nose up and turned your head. I thought this child is mean. You then turned back around and smiled. I have been in love with you every since. You are such a beautiful baby girl. Your Grandma loves you. Thank you for being mine.

It is hard to believe that you can love someone so much. Such personality from someone so small. Since the day that I laid eyes on you I loved you.
You were like a mini me.
I could also see my mother in you. When you first came over you looked at the walls. I wondered what you were looking at. There were pictures on each side of my bed. You knew where you were by them. You would look at them and smile.  
Such an intelligent little baby girl. You were
born with knowledge. You questioned everything. Your understanding and ability to discern is remarkable. You are such an amazing baby. Grandma loves you and wants nothing less than everything perfect for you. My Vali my world you are always going to be Grandmas first Grand-Girl.

Music makes me smile but so does real love. The thought you... him fills my mind. Because I love him. When you walk away because you need a break and the love still fills you up. That might be when you should know that he is a must. Finding that one that you can trust and talk with all day means so much. Some that are still waiting might wonder, what is taking their love so long. It is nice to have time with self, but time with you is even better. I think of the songs that come on and you and I can't wait until we are married and have cold weather. Yes, sometimes, I am corny but what is love without it? Your smile, loyalty an voice is a new beginning for me and my heart.
Loving you is new, thinking of you is new and I can't wait to start my life over anew with you!

You see your friends told me that you had complaints. But I can't tell since you are always in my face. If you can't be a man you know what you can do. Pack your bags and leave the cash because baby we are through.

There's no doubt that I've had it up to here. There is no doubt there will be no more crying no more tears. There is no doubt about the way I made you feel. ******* you know that my love was real.

I am sick and tiered of you running your lines. Get up out of my face because you are wasting your time. I won't hold your hand the way your mama use to. I have no time to sit and deal with this drama. Since you can't be a man you can stay with your mama.

You know what? I've had it up to here. No more crying no more tears. It's all about the way that I made you feel. Because you know that I am the real.

Even as adults we are still learning things about ourselves. If you would have told me that if crossed I devour, I would have laughed.  I have never been a mean person. It seems that things get built up within us and we can only take so much. Once we get to a certain point some of that anger must be released.
Normally, I have the ability to release in a positive way. Ha…with you I wanted to destroy you. Not take your life. But hurt you until you begged for mercy. They knew that I was not a nice angry lady. I could be quite dangerous if you ask me. Someone one asked me, “do you get back at people when crossed.” My answer on the spot was no! I did not even think that way. Yet once you pushed me it all came out. I scared myself….even though no lies were told no life threatening danger was to unfold …cringing pain was coming. As time went on…I mocked you by calls. You answered as if we were friends. How could we be friends after all of the things that we just went through? I was not your friend.
As Cardi B says, “Be careful with me.” It seems that you did not heed the warning.
You went undercover hiding from everyone. Months later popping up in pictures with people that have a venomous, vengeful dislike for you. I no longer desire to harm you in anyway.
By the way that you are living you are harming yourself. I am going to take time to work on myself. I don’t like the fact that I am not a nice lady when angry. But while I am working on me…my advice to you is to stay away.

Since I am an open book all you need to do is listen. My life has never been a secret. Reason being is that everything that I have encountered can either benefit or save someone. There is no need to try to master mind my thoughts. I only shut down when I know that people mean more harm than good. If you only speak to me when you think that I have tea to spill... than for you I have nothing to give.
Do I trust you to share my thoughts, dreams and hopes with you? As I laugh at the thought…why would I? No, I don’t! While many take view of the smiles on a face I discern by your words and actions. I watch the side eyes that you give that suggest that I am doomed to fail. I know that you don’t understand me. There is no need for you to. Do as I do. Watch my actions and listen to my words. Get and understanding that I owe you absolutely nothing. As I conform to the new person that I am becoming there will be many changes.
I will no longer care how you see me, what you think of me nor will I try to make you understand. Throughout my days I have always concerned myself of these things. They have only caused me harm, stress and pain. This is my life and I will live it for me. Not for the perception that you have of me.

I use to run off of emotions, and things always worked out. Yes, my life is piratical, yet at times I do things that are out of my lane. I am not in love with change, I move with prayer. There are many times that my mind says go and Jehovah says no. So I work off of what I am told.
It builds my faith, endurance and trust in him.
I have many short term goals. All of the long term goals have been met. Raise my children, teach them to love Jehovah and love and protect my brothers and sisters. My short term goals are to make it in this system as I await the next. While it seems simple, you would really need to know me to understand, how not so simple I really am.
As my life changes, how strange things seem. So much time on my hands to sit back and just dream. Analyzing the lives that many choose.  That is because I am still young enough to make a whole new life of my own.
I have not seen anything that appeals to me. As we age, so does our common sense. I am grateful to Jehovah that throughout my youth, I had my children to fill my time.  I love my babies and I am so thankful that Jehovah changed my life!

I thought that I knew you well. I guess not because look at the lies that you tell. I don't know who you are. Heck do you?                 
                                                        
    You walk around smiling as if you are so kind an innocent. When you are gushing over with your sneaky ways..and the
                          lies. Life would be so much easier if you were   honest and upfront.  
                                                     
   You say one thing to me and another to them. It all comes back. You pretend to be lost an confused.                                                        ­
                                                
           The worst part is that you act as if it's everyone's fault but yours. A man owns up to his words an actions. A man wants to be seen. He doesn't hide behind accessories. Be who you really are. Introduce yourself to the world. Because all they know about you right
now..is that you.
      are... The Lie.

We all throw it. Well those of us that are from or live in the south. For sure

Men are so funny. Well not just men but people. We as people can be filled with greed. We want everything that shines even things that don’t. If it is accessible all takers on deck. It becomes as a game it seems. That looks good let me try it out. I might not be able to afford it yet I want it anyway. Are you bills paid while you are making all of those outstanding purchases? Do you really need or just want that new pair of shoes? Do you have to have take-out every single day? Do you know how to use the stove to prepare food for yourself?
All of these things are of greed and laziness. Showing a lack of appreciation for what you already have. While not taking care of what is already owned. Worst of all forgetting that times get hard and you should preserve what you have. The entire time that you had her, no she wasn’t always happy but she loved you and had your back.
She self-medicated to stay afloat. To deal with the crap that you put out. While you flirted and danced with others when she was out of town. You called and texted and thought that she would not find out.
You forgot her worth, yes there were times that she messed up. When you forgive it should have been forgotten.
My brother you threw it in her face every chance you got.
That was because she called you on your mess. You felt that she was close to blowing up your spot. She should have been the only spot that you blew up.
Now she is leaving you and you are remembering what you had. She probably has a new man that treats her better. Bro you can’t get mad. You should have loved her when you had the chance. Now she is gone and you are all alone. Now you are sad wishing that you would have loved her when you had her.

If life were perfect you would be my one. I love your smile, your laugh and I get your silly jokes. I understand that your pain has made you a different person than the one that I first met. Understanding that you have a fear of what could or may not be you shadow your life with the unreal. You allow yourself to become excited with the things that children love. Underneath all of that hurt I see you. Sometimes we have to take hold of where we went wrong. If we keep looking at how I was hurt. Or why did they not love me enough to stay we wallow in self-pity. This can cause anger and division.
You might not know or see when you push people away. Then you long for them to be there. It is all too late. Not everyone wants to fix the broken. We are all broken in our own way. If we go fixing things that don’t belong to us, we have then wasted so much time. While we could have been working on ourselves.  If I call you…you answer. If I text you even if angry you reply. Even though I purposely ignore your calls. I do so because, when I was right there you did not come for me. There were many questions by others as to why you did not come. I made excuses for your absences even to your friends. As much as I don’t understand you I do. Your fear pushes people away.
Yet you constantly appear.
I wish that I could allow you in to read my mind. But we all have our fears. I too am afraid of allowing people to get past my comfort zone.  So while we constantly adore one another, we will also constantly be alone.