I pulled it..

I pulled the trigger
Of the gun pointed at my head
The bullet racing each millisecond
To blow my brain to smithereens
With my whole life flashing before
My bloodshot, insane eyes
Reliving each moment of this
****** up excuse of a life

There it was
That stinging depression
That started small
And grew in my weary heart
Slowly eating me each day
Growing darker and more sinister
As each problem came
Tearing my sanity away

Leading me to this very moment
Where I choose to run away
And leave this mediocre life
To rot and decay on its own
To be finally in peace
So that all that loneliness
Won't ever touch my heart
And will be free from my soul

And yet..

I began to remember the love
My family and friends gave me
How they stayed by my side
Never abandoning me
As I was loosing hope
They held on to me
Tried to keep me sane
Supporting me through it all

How cowardly of me
To suddenly let them go
To throw away this one and only
Life given and lived by me
But I guess its for the best
I guess its time to rest
I'll never see them again
They'll just forget me anyway

..Will they?

The happy moments came flashing by
The many times I genuinely smiled
Truly laughed and felt at ease
Those moments sweet to cherish
Was I this happy before?
Before everything else came crumbling?
Before I succumbed to the voices in my head?
Before I ended up at this very moment?

I don't want this..

Last moments of feeling the regret
I don't want to end this life
I just wanted to regain the happiness
The happiness taken and removed
By this consuming condition
This unforgiving depression
That ills my every cell
And has now completely taken all of me

I could've just lived my life
But no, I took it on my own
In any moment now I'll leave this world
Never to be seen again
No more new opportunities
To better my life and move on
To fight this psychological battle
That has taken hold of my entirety

And then it hit me..

I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE!
I DIDN'T WANT TO **** MYSELF
HOW DID I END UP IN THIS SITUATION?!
SOMEONE SAVE ME!
ITS COMING FOR ME!
THE SMELL OF GUNPOWDER ENTERING MY NOSTRILS
IT SCARES ME!
****! WHAT DO I DO?!
THE BULLET NEARING MY SKULL
I CAN HEAR IT CLOSING IN!
SAVE ME PLEASE!
I DON'T WANT TO DIE YET!
I WANNA LIVE!!

The pain stings..

My head feels light
My consciousness fleeting
As I fall to the ground
I could see the massive bleeding
I can't hear a thing
The silence is deafening
My vision went black
And then everything just went
Blank

...

..I shouldn't have pulled it

We're finally here
At this moment
Hearts heavy
Tears held back

We tried avoiding it
Working out the wrongs
Making peace with the rights
Even when things got hard

We're at a crossroads
Where our journey ends
With one last embrace
One final kiss

Here at the end
Where our roads split up
Here at twilight
Waiting for the cold night

Somehow we got through
Somehow we made it
But I still have to ask
We were happy, right?

God, this is where we let go
Where she heads east
And I head west
Leaving these memories here

It was an impossible gamble
Avoiding the inevitable
Even so, we tried
We loved, and we lost

I just pray, Dear God
That no matter what happens
That if the world ends tomorrow
We can still call each other
Home

-J

What happens now?
The world is in chaos
Man is on the brink of war
Nation against nation
People against people
Kingdom against kingdom
Faith versus faith
Culture versus culture
Where should we stand?

What happens now?
Society is crumbling
Morality has been blurred
Injustice is prevalent
Power brings corruption
Opinions are silenced
Man against man
Woman against woman
What should we do?

What happens now?
Guns do all the talking
Missiles are launching
Bombs **** innocents
Weapons define supremacy
Money spent on war
Children joining the fight
Instead of studying hard
Will they be alright?

What happens now?
Money controls everything
Technology deviates attention
The poor get poorer
The rich are insensitive
Society swayed by false media
The truth left in ignorance
People aren't complaining
Will there be a bright future?

What happens now?
Our children are in danger
From our stupidity today
Color defines who we should be
Love is taught wrong
Vanity is glorified
Kindness is shamed
We all know what else exists
What else can I really say?

What happens now?
Our governments are deaf
To our cries for real change
When everything else crumbles
They suppress truth with lies
Rise up, people who see
That chaos reigns today
We need to have that changed
When do we start?

The gentle spring breeze kisses the blades of grass
Streams humming like a whispering melody
Life blooming in all its mysteries and curiosities
It filled the meadows with a calming harmony

Standing on at a crossroads, I tread carefully,
A man past his prime, Indecision takes hold of me
The pain of youthful love burned out all my passion
Heading carefully to where I want my rest to be

On this hill here beside you I have longed to rest,
Under the warm rays of sunlight, with the sweet-smelling grass
Under the vast sheet of starlight, when night blankets the sky
Only beside you is where I want to forever stay

Memories of our youth come surging like a flood
When love burned bright and you give me life
When sorrow took the best of me, I grew hopeless
And when I needed you most, Death took you from my arms

Yearning for love, a passion that burns out the soul
I longed for one to come my youthful heart’s way
Etched in it an undeniable desire to fiercely fight
For a love that engulfs one’s heart like a wild flame

And there it was, a point where everything changes
When it came rushing in and crushed all my defenses
When hearts come in resonance with each other
Their melodies harmonizing like two spirits merging

Young hearts come together like buzzing bees
Looking for a love like there’s no tomorrow
Lit up with a sense of passion one rarely sees
Only to be consumed by inevitable grief and sorrow

Ah! Youthful love, it burns bright yet brief
When a heart is consumed, it is doomed to fall
For when it gives its all, it is surely to get less
And when it endures, it hollows out the most

Every heart has to endure a whirlwind of emotions
Fear will come to dread it and Hate will try to **** it
A gentle insanity comes rushing in, a craze-driven passion
In which one leaves reality to run and find a dwindling ideal

The troubles of a young heart are wide and vast
Its innocence unable to shield it from heartaches
And as winter approaches, it is also forced to choose
Lie still in the snow, or endure waiting for the next spring

A love that’s taken and tested to endure
A love that is fought for and is let to consume
A love like that, I still pray to hold within my grasp
And so for that love, I must endure with all my might

A soldier in this war, I fought for the comfort beside you
A lover in this struggle, I loved you much more than I can give
And when my lips touched yours, my words become silent
How you bewitched me with your beauty leaves me speechless

But Reality is a cruel master, a monstrous fate
When I felt like I could conquer the world,
When I felt that forever in your arms I stay
That is when he breaks me hardest, deepest.

Death is an all-consuming enigma
He came to take you away from me
Like a thief he came when least expected
When our flowering lives bloomed brightest

I am left to question all that had happened
Crying out to the heavens day and night
But the beauty you embodied had taken a new form
A form only Life can recreate once more.

You became the grass, you became the earth,
You became the gentle wind that comes in springtime,
The wind that kisses me with passion and gentle caress
When every time it whispers your voice is all I hear.

On this hill where your spirit resides
I long to be in your comfort again
Time has aged me, but not my love for you
Youth has passed me by, but not the feelings you left me with.

Wait for me beloved, my time has come,
Final breath draws near, Death follows behind me,
He who took you away now brings me closer to you
Stay steadfast beloved, today I’ll come to be with you.

Strip these feelings away from me
If you don't plan on
Spending the rest of your life with me

Unkiss all the kisses you gave me
And flee from my embrace
If you never plan to stay anyway

Forget all our sweetest memories
Even the bitter ones too
If you don't see a future with me

Don't run into my arms
And cry on my shoulders
If you don't commit your heart to me

Love me when you really do
Because I madly do
Want to spend this lifetime with you

I love you

There are things that keep me up at night
Unfulfilled yearnings that turn to regret
Thoughts that steal away a good night's sleep
Words that were suppressed, never to be said

I guess I'm still stuck at that time
When I was yours, and you, mine
No matter how I press on every day
I still remain a slave to your sways

Harmless conversations from time to time
Cannot satiate how much I thirst for you
Your attention is everything that I seek
Your eyes remain lights in the shadows of my life

Everyday I live in fear and dread
That in a chance that we meet again
You will flash a lovely smile at me
Lovelier than those you had with me

Every night I pray in earnest agony
That I never have to see you again
Knowing that the happiness you have now
Won't ever be caused by me again

So here I am
Writing the unspoken feelings
Etching the hidden truths
That even now, as I write this poem
I want to run to you
Bury myself in your arms
And never letting you go
I want to return to that time
When I pledged myself yours
And you, mine
I want to hold your hands
Hearts connected
Fingers entwined
I want to say I love you
Whispering in your ears
Planting kisses on your cheeks
I want to disappear with you
To a place where you and I
Can freely speak the words unspoken

Dormant feelings waking up
Awkward emotions dripping like sweat
I can't seem to erase this smile on my face
Just because I'm seeing you again today

Its been a long distance friendship
And a long time since I last saw you
I don't know if this is simply my excitement
Or some new emotions I'm feeling for the first time

You were closer to me when we were far apart
But now it seems I can't reach you even when you're near
I don't know if this is the right thing to do
But I know its the right thing to feel

God, if these feelings aren't from You
Please take them away from my heart
Do I save the long time friendship?
Or act upon these untested and unsure feelings?

Because now that you're near
I realized how much you mean to me
But as soon as you go and leave again
This heart might feel broken again

I simply pray, dear God
That if she's the one for me
Somewhere along our winding paths
The roads we take will merge
And she'll pull my hand
To lead me to the happiness
You wanted me to have

Until when will I wait?
Until when will I suffer?
Until when will I long?
Until when will I seek?

Until when should I lock myself up?
Until when will I long for the warmth?
Until when should I feel dead inside?
Until when should I walk alone in this life?

Until when should my heart be hard as stone?
Until when do I have to wait for someone to chisel it?
Until when will the winter of my life last?
Until when do I stay just to see you at last?

Until when do I have to suffer lonely nights?
Until when will I wake up in a cold, empty bed?
Until when will I feel anxious about a single's lifetime?
Until when will I fear connecting to someone else's life?

Until when do we have to wait?
Until when do we have to suffer?
Until when 'til I see your face?
Until when 'til I hold your hands?

Until when do I just see you in my dreams?
Until when 'til I see you in my reality?
Until when 'til we finally meet?
Until when 'til we passionately love?

Until when will I be alone?
Until when will I be isolated?
Until when will my emotions be suppressed?
Until when 'til I finally bask in your embrace?

I am stuck here..

Waiting for you..

Are you stuck somewhere else too?

If so, then tell me how to find you..

And if Fate blesses this search..

If the gods open the path which leads to you..

I'll never ever let go of you..

So tell me..

Until when 'til I find you?

In this fast-paced race called Life
Where people come and go quickly
Searching for happiness amidst all strife
Only to be eaten alive by a harsh reality

A new chapter awaits this young lad
Seeking only to find his place in the world
Prepared to give everything he ever had
Just to have his voice heard ‘round the world

He dreams of greatness to be earned
Harsh years he endured proved to help
All the failures from which he learned
Building up that grandiose life for himself

The music he yearned to resonate in his heart
The songs about pocket of smiles one seeks
Scattered in the twists of this one complex art
This uncertainty called Life and its enigmatic tricks

Strong in resolve we all sought to secure
To leave an imprint among those that live here
This untitled song that we all need to endure
This uniqueness called Life only we can hear

He has yet to find security in this uncertainty
Be it love or contentment he still yearns for them
Hope is fleeting but the heart remains sturdy
Someday he’ll leave footprints, rule his own realm

Today the journey remains to be taken
With small steps we walk towards our destinies
With hope in our hearts our resolve strengthened
Facing the realities of Life, facing and fighting uncertainties

In this untitled life that we hope to write ourselves
How will you chronicle your own journeys?
How will we be remembered in the library shelves?
What will we leave behind, our lasting legacies?

I once surrounded myself
With emotional walls and checks
Hiding behind my insecurities
Shielding myself from all responsibility

It came to a point when
It grew completely out of control
It left me isolated in my own world
It left me disconnected from reality

But then you came
You
Who went in with a wrecking ball
Smashing all those stone and iron walls
Peeling layer by layer of me
Leaving me exposed to vulnerability

For the first time in my life
A whole new world opened for me
You took my hand by surprise
And led me out of my cage
You removed all my shackles
Destroyed all my chains
You flipped my world upside down
And loved me in all my nakedness

You
Whose love showed me a new paradise
By leading me out of my comfort zone
Who made my heartbeats go wild
And boosts my adrenaline every single second of my life

You
You are the sunshine
To my cold life
The weakness in my veins
And the strength in my muscles
You are the air in my lungs
The reason I wake up each morning
The reason I sleep soundly at night
The courage in my heart
And the reason in my mind
You are a whole new world for me
Whom I want to share my own world with too
You are the world that I never knew
And the world that I want to keep on exploring every single second of the day

I love you

As much as I want to answer all your questions
Be the only clarity amidst all the confusion
Be the light in your darkest prison
Be the guide in these difficult situations
Be the star in your unclear night sky
Be your comfort and your stronghold
Be the one who sees you regardless
Be your strength and your weakness
As much as I want to be all that

I can’t

But I have to
I want to
You need me to
I need this too

Because

I love you
I cherish you
I adore you
I yearn for you

So until I can be
All these things
You need me to be
Please wait for me
With all your heart
As I with you
Until I find the will
To say

I can

Wake up the dormant emotions
That sleep within my tired soul
Stir these feelings long dead
Let me desire you with wanton lust

Your heavy breathing fill my lungs
As you embrace me with sweet warmth
While the night grows colder by the minute
Make me adore you, make me want you more

Let me dive further and deeper
In those eyes deprived of innocence
Fill the empty bedsheets
Of this cold and lonely bed

Ease my fears of solitude
With those gentle and sacred kisses
As my hands trace every inch you
And my heart fixated on all of you

Don't leave me just for tonight
Since I fear I'm dying inside
Erase these hints of depression
That latched themselves on me

Hold me close and don't let go
Let me drown in your presence
Sink me deep into your pleasure
Leave me addicted to your body

Wake me up alive
And make me breathe heavily
Like making love to you
Is the last thing I'll ever do

Don't let me forget
And don't make me regret
How you roll on my bed every night
And rearranging my life upside down

Let me make love to you tonight
As soon as the sun sets down the horizon
Feed my growing lust for you every night
Until dawn breaks and morning comes again

A cool August breeze kissed my warm cheeks
The sleepless night grew silent in anticipation
The ivory queen sat majestically upon her throne
with her children spreading out the sky like fireflies

The city skyline glowed splendidly in the night
The cold mountain breeze swayed the sturdy trees
Only my black, hooded jacket keeps my body warm
But I guess it’s enough as there’s no one to embrace me

My bloodshot eyes felt weary of all this agony
This shattered heart tired from all this distress
All insanity restraining my mind suddenly gone
My head cleared from years of being in the dark

That dreadful pain stopped after years of aching,
That deep **** that never closed ceased bleeding
A sense of peace suddenly brings my mind to ease
Absolution finally came from those daunting tortures

This youthful love I nurtured for the past 5 years
The one where I gave my all just to keep it going
The love that made me hundreds of sleepless nights
Everything I held on dear was cleared as a big confusion

Yes I was hurt, and yes I still suffer from the pain
Yet what can I do if this is the truth I’d yearned for?
Truth I’d always wanted to gain for my own freedom
Freedom from all the heartbreak I’ve endured until now.

My heart endured a lot for the past few years
I know she’s moved on and faced a better future
She loves someone else so dear to her, it pains me
But still, that’s how love is, as it had been for ages

I guess this is my final goodbye to past heartbreaks
Where this girl tried to love me as hard as she could
The girl I passionately desired to forever stay with me
Yet she found love in a different person better than me

So for her well-being, and for my own sake too
I’ll have to learn to live without her in my life
It will be hard at first but I guess this is for better
She’s done it before, so I guess this is my wake-up call

For this night, I finally sleep with a smile on my face
With a spark of hope lighting up in my battered soul
The kiss of the morning sun gives me a new will to live
The thoughts of waking up to a new day, warms my heart

Every day I hope that love will find me again someday
Waking up to a new day feeling much better than the last
Learning to accept the truth as is, as each new day passes by
This fear of getting hurt again decreasing in each new morning

Moving on is a hard task to do for a young heart
Yet as time goes on, pain makes a heart grow mature
But stay strong, because fate will find a surprising way
to mend your broken heart, and wake you up to a new love

The tensions spiking high
Emotions running wild
As we stare in each other's eyes
Anticipating each other's moves

I'm sinking hard and deep
Into those hypnotic brown eyes
My heartbeats jumping intensely
As I try to hold on to my sanity

Steadily reaching breaking point
As we try to maintain control
Quickly loosing this battle
As Desire makes way to the surface

Like floodgates on release
Lust overwhelming our senses
Like dangerous animals on rampage
All over each other's bodies

My senses in overdrive
As I give in to the rush
My hands moving independently
As it explores every inch of you

Kisses feel like wild fire
Melting my brains on the inside
******* my lips vigorously
Making me want even more

I can't even stop to think
My mind going blank and haywire
Your every kiss proving not enough
As I strip away every clothing from you

The panting grows heavier
As we explore each other's wild sides
Like wandering travelers
Seeking each other's secrets

Soft moans growing louder
As I kiss between your thighs
Slowly welcoming each caress
Like a secret being gradually revealed

Sweet nectar overflowing
As I go deep within your being
Your hands pulling my hair
Guiding me to where you want me

Give in to the pleasure
As I caress you sweetly
Stay still and don't resist
Let's make this love feel incredible

Just give in to my every touch
As I gave in to each of yours
Let's make sweet love, dearest
Let the wanton lust be unleashed

Bodies colliding uncontrollably
Kisses increasing in intensity
Instincts shifting to reach ******
This carnal union showing no mercy

The sweet moaning music to me
As I ****** my all deep into you
Your teeth sinking into my lips
As we reach the end of this torrid encounter

Finally reaching the heaven we seek
Leaving us wasted and exhausted
Yet as your body rests on mine
It makes me want you even more

More of this incredible love
More of this uncontrollable lust
More of this wanton desires
Ultimately, more of your body
And more of you

This wanderlust of mine
Wanting to explore more of you
Remains unquenched and desiring
To see more of the untouched you

Stop
Re-assess your life
Are you sure you're in the right path?
What if you're not?
Stop

Look
Look for what's better
Do you think it will make you happy?
And if it doesn't?
Look

Listen
To the beat of your heart
If it feels wrong why continue further?
And if its all wasted?
Listen

Rise
Up when you fall down
There's no other way to continue it all
Because everything will be fine
If you only
Rise

Cherish the small sweet moments
Savour the nourishing morning kisses
Remember every beautiful memory
'Cause when everything ends it's a twisted tragedy

You'll be left in bed thinking like crazy
Asking why she went out that door
Never to be seen and touched again
Bringing with her a big chunk of your brokenness

When it all ends, what would you do?
Will you rise up and try to move on?
Or would you mope bitterly until you lose all reason?

Been going down this stream
Of chaos and uncertainties
What destination will I come upon?
Where will my paper boat take me?

Amidst the night I walk into the streets,
The chilling wind howls from the bayside;
Pedestrians crowded with people going home,
Moonlit waters illuminated what the dark hide

I sat alone on the dockyard pier,
my mind wandering into the vast abyss;
as the waves come crashing to the beach,
so does my questions and their answers kiss

A wicked smile runs across my face,
as if something fun will nearly occur;
Then my thoughts drift onto the ocean,
vanishing with the waves as if they were lured

My life had been full of tears and cries,
Smiles were seldom, Laughs were really rare;
but they always say that Life is a big wheel,
Once you're down, then you're up, and God cares

As the cold wind continued to plague me,
A warm hand touches the back of my head;
I turned around only to see the woman I love,
The one companion He gave me, she I had wed

With a kiss she greeted my wrinkled cheeks,
her hair, grayed with age, danced with the wind;
even as her years passed by, she still looked fair,
the most valuable treasure in the world I could find

Our love never changed as our years went by,
the passion in our eyes glowed brighter than ever;
I was born to grow old with this woman beside me,
to be with her, and hold her in my arms, forever

We walked home together in that cold winter night,
holding each other's hands like our teenage years;
before we opened the doors I looked at her sincerely,
I thanked her for the love, and crushing all my fears

True love will endure all the years to come,
the fiery passion unchanged even for a thousand lifetimes;
because when God gave man the right to love a woman,
it transcends the boundaries of the very fabric of time

People often ask
If dreams do come true
If fantasies become reality
If love comes to the loveless
I can’t help but feel
That the dreams that I dream
And the fantasies that I have
Stands before me right now

I tried to stop it
These budding emotions
I tried to deny it
The truth being unveiled
I tried to fight it
The gravity pulling me towards you
But I can’t help it
Falling in love, deeply with you

The world told me it’s wrong
The world told me to move along
The world told me you’re not worthy
And that the wait will **** me
But there I prayed
And waited for the day
When you can stay by my side
In all my days and all my nights

It’s you who keeps me falling
Pulling me closer to your core
Your gravity inescapable for me
As I live under your various colors
It’s you whom I choose
The one destined by fate
To be the love that makes me feel alive
To make me see the beauty of life

You make the wrong feel right
You make the worst feel alright
No matter where I may go
Your love follows me
Even through all that melancholy
That Life brought to me
You made all the sadness that I felt
A worthy sacrifice for what came next

It’s you who brings me light
Even in the darkest of nights
It’s your smile that gives me strength
To overcome the barriers of life
How blessed am I to be yours
To be within your warm embrace
How thrilled am I to fall deeper in love
With each smile and frown you display

I long to stay in your embrace
Because in you I find my comfort
I long to be yours for all my life
To be the sweetest reality of your life
As you are to mine
And in all the twists and turns
That life brings to us
I’ll never let go and I’ll always say

I love you
With all my heart
No matter what surprise Life brings
You’re the only right thing
In my wretched life
And if I have to choose
All over again
It will always be you

I wake up each day
With only you in my head
Why doesn't it stop?

I've never felt this
Strange in a very long time
What's wrong with me now?

I think this is love
It just took me by surprise
How could I face you?

I want to be yours
I just want to deserve you
Is it just too much?

I hope to be yours
Wishing you will be mine too
God let me be hers

Let her see my worth
Let her realize this truth
I am hers to keep

I love you so much
I can't stay away from you
I am yours only