I can feel it
Dripping down my arm,
The warm trickle
Of the beautiful red substance
That seems to be the only thing
Keeping me sane.
I can feel the rush of emotions,
Just dripping right out of me
The only thing it leaves in its wake
Is a lost little kid
Who seems to feel nothing anymore
I can feel it
The tears from my eyes
I’m crying in my bedroom
Letting out all the pain
Because it’s all my fault
And I’m not causing others any gain
I can feel it
The constricting of my heart
As I pretend to be fine
And go about my day pretending
I’m not going to break
I can feel it
The anger at myself
For letting others opinions drive me to
This point
But I cannot stop
And I don’t want to
Because this is all I know
Is what you reap you sow.

Anger
Sadness
Frustration
All falling down my face
In a foreign form called tears
I look up
And listen to the reason for these tears
I hear them walking away
Until the only thing heard
Are my cries
I pick myself up
And get back to work
Wondering when these foreign things
Would make an appearance
Once again

I was broken
After you left
I was doing my best to cling to life,
Even though I knew you would be back,
To knock me down again.
I hear you coming back
I can smell the reek of spirits
From the place I dubbed my sanctuary.
I hear you climbing up the stairs,
With your heavy footfalls,
And I brace myself, to be shattered tonight.
I meet you at the top of the stairs,
Not wanting to ***** my safe place.
After all is done,
Here I lay,
Completely Shattered,
From the hands of someone
I once loved.

This is for all you parents out there.
You say that you hate hypocrites,
But go look in a mirror and see the real hypocrites.
Maybe you will see the real reason why we,
The kids,
Hate your rule over us.
You tell us to do things,
Then you don’t do them yourself.
You tell us not to lie
But what are the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Clause?
You tell us not to curse,
But guess where I learned
Most all the ones I know.
You tell us to never tell you no,
Yet that's all y’all seem to say to us.
You tell us no dessert before dinner,
Yet you get to eat brownies all day long?
You always have the exact same excuses,
“I’m older than you”
“I can do what I want”
“You don’t understand”
Well you want to know what?
That doesn’t matter.
All it did was teach me to be like you,
A hypocrite.

I miss the days when
I could speak without judgement
I miss the days
When I could run around,
Carefree
I miss the days when
Everything wasn’t complicated
With the things going on in the world
And how much it changes,
It’s going to start to affect people
Terrorism and shootings have become common
And no one blinks an eye at it
Treaties are being made and destroyed,
With all this going on,
I just wish the old days were back,
They were filled with laughter and joy,
Not depression and self-loathing
Those days were filled with wonder
Not complicated and downright horrible
But I know,
Those days are behind us
And they may never happen again,
At least I have the memories of
Simplicity and happiness

She stands alone,
Looking out the window,
Seeing the other kids her age,
Playing and having fun.
He stands in a crowd,
Surrounded by others his age
Feeling alone
Staring at the girl all by her lonesome.
One isolated,
With no friends,
The other surrounded by others,
With no real friends.
One day they meet,
Bumping into each other
On the way to their respective activities.
They immediately feel a connection
And they no longer feel alone.
They get to know each other,
They start dating,
They get married.
And when they die,
They know they won’t be alone,
Not anymore,
For they have each other.

I’ve got problems
I know I do
But I ignore them
Constantly thinking others have it worse
They have it worse
Than the occasional yelling
They have it worse
Than the feeling of being isolated
They have it worse
Than the occasional self-loathing.
I feel like I can’t get help,
Why should I waste anyone's time
With problems that don’t even matter
Compared to others?
Others have abusive parents,
Others are constantly yelled at,
Others are going through so much worse
Than I have ever gone through.
But then why do I feel this way?
Like I have things not resolved,
Like I’m not enough?
Like I feel bad for wanting help?
I can’t help but compare myself to others,
And I can’t help but think I’m insignificant
Compared to everyone
Who has it way worse than I do.

I break down when I am finally asked how I feel.
No one has asked in years.
I’ve kept it all
Locked up inside
So no one can see
How I’m truly breaking.
I’ve never felt good enough
To be part of this world,
I self harm in the least obvious ways,
I try not to show anything,
For fear of being weak.
So when I was finally asked how I feel,
I cry for the first time in years,
I let out my anger for life,
My grief for those who have been lost,
My sadness that no one cared,
My happiness that someone finally noticed,
Then when I’m done,
I look up and say “i’m fine”
I say thank you,
And walk away.
I feel refreshed knowing someone cared,
Even if it was common courtesy.
Though I’m still scared,
Scared someone will see
How broken I am on the inside

It’s 2 am
And I can hear something
I make out the voices of my parents
Yelling and screaming
I **** awake,
And listen to their “conversation”
I know they are fighting about
Something Trivial
I just cower under my bed covers
Knowing I will feel the backlash in the morning
I can hear their fight escalate
I can hear the things they yell
“You’re useless”
“It’s all your fault”
“Why don’t you just leave?”
I know the answer to that one at least,
They stay together for my siblings and I.
I just fear the day when they finally realize
We are adult enough to handle a divorce.
I fear the day they realize
We aren’t enough to keep them together
I just fear the day they acknowledge
The growing gap between them

You constantly belittle me
You constantly insult me
You constantly make me feel weak
Every little thing you say
Strikes deep in my heart
The heart can only take so much
Before it just shuts off
But you want that don’t you?
You want to see me fall
And break
And just get out if your way
Gods it hurt
Someone who I loved as a brother
Started to bully me
You know things about me
Those things you promised never to bring up
Then you go and do it
In front of my parents
My friends
And the school
Do you know how that feels?
It makes me want to die
The fact I can’t even keep a friend
That won’t betray me
Makes me feel so SAD
And ANGRY
Everything you say
Just adds insult to the injury
You exposed my darkest secrets
My biggest fears
And my deepest passions
All for what?
To humiliate?
Shame?
Destroy maybe?
Well you succeeded
You hurt me
Your broke my trust
You made me stone hearted again
And I HATE you for that

Who’s going to save me
When I’m saving everyone else?
Who’s going to save me
When I cry myself to sleep at night?
Who’s going to save me
When I have a blade to my wrist?
Who’s going to save me
When the voices are screaming in my head?
The answer is nobody
While I’m out saving others,
Nobody is helping me.
I’m drowning
In the dark thoughts
Full of despair and darkness.
And with no one to help me,
I might as well succumb
To Death's sweet song.

The voices,
Always there,
Singing their song of death.
I try to escape
It’s evil intent,
But it’s relentless,
Their song.
It’s beautiful tune
Draws me in
With it’s never ending melody.
I can’t get away,
And I don’t think I want to anymore.
With its encouraging words,
And it’s perilous ways,
I couldn’t resist
Succumbing to its dark seduction.

Heavy heart,
Blurry eyes,
Pounding head,
Waiting for it to be over.
Pain is everywhere,
I can’t stand.
I crawl into my room
And fall into a deep slumber.
Woken up
Feeling refreshed.
Apologies from last night,
And I accept,
For I don’t want the pain again.
Even if it’s inevitable,
The horrible cause
Stands there taunting me
Waiting for me to succumb
To it’s dark allure.
I finally break.
It numbs the pain
But now I’m like THEM,
A monster in disguise.

Secrets,
Everyone has them.
Hidden deep within,
Never to be discovered.
We would protect them with our lives,
So they can never be found,
For even the nicest
Have the darkest secrets too.
No matter how hard it is to try to hide,
They are always somewhere.
For even the prettiest smiles
Hold the most secrets.
The prettiest eyes
Have shed the most tears.
The kindest hearts
Have felt the most pain
All unnoticed
Because it was a
SECRET
That no one could know

I can feel your stare burning into me
I can feel your breath on my neck
I can feel the lust emanating from you
With your stare full of lies
And your intentions impure
Why should I listen to you?
Just because you love me
Doesn’t mean you won’t leave me
The ones I love
Will always be the ones to hurt me the most
JUst because I trust you
Doesn’t mean you know everything
You don’t know what I hide behind my smile,
Because it will scar you like it did me
Your love and devotion mean nothing
If you can’t keep your promises.
You broke me
With your words of hatred and discouragement.
You said you loved me
Yet you turned your back on me
Without even hearing me out
You promised you’d never leave,
Yet you did anyways.
And now you want me back?
You found out the truth,
The truth you didn’t want to hear,
And now you expect forgiveness
After casting me out?
NO.
You broke your promises,
Your promise of love
The promise of a future together
But you broke that
I lost myself because of you
Now that you are back,
I’m never letting you in again.

The past,
Something some people try to forget
And something some people revel in.
Everyone's is unique,
No past is exactly alike,
Mine is different than others.
I grew up too early,
And learned that emotions were obsolete.
They hindered more than helped,
The only thing they brought was more pain
I grew up,
Knowing the things I go through
Will shape me in the future.
I grew up,
Knowing I would always have to be strong,
So I can protect others,
From the horrors that I endured
I grew up,
Knowing the past will help shape my future
The past is the past,
And you can’t run away from it,
No matter what,
It will always come back to haunt you.
You have to deal with it,
And move on,
No matter how hard it seems,
The rollercoaster that is life,
Will always have its kinks,
But it will always end,
In either a terrifying way,
Or a satisfying way.
You pick the way you want it to end.

My pain,
It’s always there,
There through the laughs and the smiles,
There through the tears and the sadness.
My pain,
It won’t go away.
It’s there…
Waiting
To strike when it would hurt most
My pain,
It’s always there lurking,
Always in my thoughts,
Never letting me be me.
My pain,
Something I hide so well,
No on notices;
And that just adds to it.
My pain,
I can’t get away from it,
And I’ve lived with it for so long
I don’t think I want it to go away.
My pain,
It’s depression.

I’m just a kid
A kid who was exposed to reality
Way too early
I’m just a kid who had responsibility ****** upon them
Way too quickly
I’m just a kid who had to figured out how to deal with actuality
Way too soon
A kid who doesn’t fear death
A kid who doesn’t doesn’t bat an eye at shootings
A kid who is lost
And can’t find their way back to a safe place,
That’s who I am.
And it not my fault.
It not my fault I’m fascinated with death
It’s not my fault I’m morbid
It’s not my fault that I’ve become emotionless.
So quit making it out that I’m the problem.
The real problem,
Is the messed up world we live in.

I’ve been told many things over the years,
But the one that hurt the most is
“Quit being yourself”
I’ve been told that so many times,
And each time,
I break a little bit more.
My personality is “too strong”
My looks “too boyish”
My thoughts “too sad”
It hurt that people would say that,
When I am constantly told
“Don’t let anyone change you”
But why should I stay the same
When no one likes me?
Nobody talks to me because I'm “intimidating”
Nobody looks at me because I look “depressed”
Nobody cares about me because I’m “too much”
Why can’t I be myself without the judgement I face?
Why can’t I,
Just be what everyone wants?

In the darkness of night,
Some of the worst things happen,
Unseen.
In the darkness of night,
Some of the best things happen,
Unseen.
In the brightness of day,
Some of the best things happen,
They are ignored,
In the brightness of day,
some of the best things happen,
Only to be ignored.
NO matter where one is,
Bad things could happen,
as could good things.
No matter when something occurs,
Bad things could happen,
As could goo.
Monsters lurking on the dark,
Only to be angles in the light.
The dark or the light,
Day or night,
Things happen.
So why do we ignore them?
Why do we not see them?

My personal Hell
Is something others would be surprised at
People think it would be a place,
Bright and Happy,
With loud music and no books
Or friends.
They couldn’t be more wrong.
My personal Hell
WOuld be a pace I was abandoned at,
A place where all my failures and shortcomings
Are thrown back in my face
A place where my demons are let loose,
Where they are screaming I’m worthless
Where I have no hope.
My personal Hell is a place with nothing
I hope I never have to experience it.

Suicide,
Something that can take this pain away
Suicide,
The cowards way out
Suicide,
Something I’m too weak to do
So many ways to do it,
So many ways to die by my own hand
It’s the only way out
From the pain of everything
The pain of being bullied
The pain  of being worthless
The pain of being ME
Weather it be a blade to my wrist,
Or a noose around my neck,
Or a gun to my head,
Or a bridge 20 feet high,
Getting away from this
World would be a blessing
No one would care if I died,
No one would notice that I’m gone,
No one would do anything about it,
Just like no one prevented me.

Pieces of glass
Tears against my skin
Red running down
With my head throbbing
I’m lost
And nothing can help
I drink away my sorrows
For a hope of a better tomorrow
I smoke ***
For a hope to forget the past
I need to find my way
In this life
So I can finally
Live without strife
Kicked out for being me
Beaten for being a freak
What am I to do now?

I need to cry, but I forgot how
I need to scream, but no one will hear me
I need to feel, but I am numb
What a I to do now?
I’m in so much pain,
Yet I can do nothing to relieve it
I’m so tired i cannot sleep
I’m so hungry I cannot eat
I’m so depressed I don’t know what happiness is anymore
I just need to FEEL
But I don’t know how to do that anymore
People constantly ask how I feel
I always reply fine
When honestly
I’m tired
Numb
And sacred.
Not because of others, but of myself.
One of these days I’ll end up cracking and falling apart
Maybe when that day comes,
I’ll be able to feel again

I come to your for help
Not to be criticized
I come to you so you can alleviate my fears
Not to be told “I can’t help you”
I come to you because I acknowledge that I need you.
I’m not a basket case
Like others think
I’m not depressed
Like everyone assumes
I’m not eccentric
Like the masses believe
I admitted I needed someone to help me
But why did you say that you couldn’t?
When will I ever get help?
When will anyone ever believe me?
When will somebody start to care?
Why would I get help
If all people do is say I can’t help you
It hurts,
That people would give up so easily on me
It hurts,
That people don't think I can actually be helped
I hate it.
The feeling of despair
After another therapist
Turns me down.
Am I too broken to be helped?
Am I not worth the work?
Am I something that will forever be a failure?
I just need someone to help me
Why can’t you?

The battles I have lost,
Everyone can see.
The evidence is everywhere
On my arms,
On my legs
On my heart
On my soul.
Yet,
The battles I have won,
No one can see but me
I know I have won,
Because I don’t have a new mark
I know I have won
Because no one says anything
I know I have won
Because I don’t feel disgusted at myself
I feel happy when I win
I feel free without the voices bothering
I feel such joy from such the simplest things
But I know another battle is coming
I know there is a lower chance of me winning,
For I am already weakened from this one
These battles are slowly drowning me
These battles are slowly killing me.
I won’t be able to fight forever,
One day I’ll lose all hope
And when that day comes,
I know I have lost forever
To the demons,
The demons that won’t quit.
They invaded everywhere,
My mind
My body
My soul
My conscience
I know I should ask for help,
I know I should let someone know,
But that’s another battle altogether.
And I don’t think I’ll win it.

They say love is weakness
They say that it only hurts you
They are right,
Love was my undoing.  
I fell in love with you,
But all you did was hurt me,
Over and over again.
You made me feel weak
You made me feel little
You made me feel insignificant
You don’t know how that feels,
To be vulnerable,
The the one you love,
Point out
Every
Single
Thing
They see wrong with you.
It hurt so bad,
And then I have no one there to help
Because you made me drive everyone away
Why can’t you see the pain in my eyes?
Why can’t you see through my front?
Why can’t you see my silent pleas for help?
You just keep going and going,
You haven’t ever stopped.
You’ve hurt me time and time again,
With both your words and your fists.
And I won’t stand for it anymore
Because of you,
I lost hope.
Hope in love,
Hope in the world,
And hope in myself.
You left me broken,
Exposed,
And weak.  
I learned one thing though,
Its that Love is hopeless,
And it DOES only hurt me.
So I have you to thank
For being the reason
I gave up all hope.

You ask me why I don’t talk to you,
You always ask me why I don’t trust you
You always ask me why I’m never around.
Why should I trust someone
Who always puts me down?
Why should I talk to someone
Who doesn’t care?
Why should I be around someone
Who never believed in me?
It’s your own fault for the relationship we have now,
You never cared about me
You never noticed the things I would do
You never saw how I vied for your attention
You ask me how I ended up like this
You ask me why I put myself down,
Do you not remember those words YOU spit at me?
Do you not remember YOU always discouraged me?
Do you not remember how YOU hurt me?
I’ve been told,
Since I’ve been young,
That I won’t be anything.
Don’t you think that sticks?
The words thrown at me,
For years,
“You can’t be creative”
“You won’t be anything great”
“Your dreams are unattainable”
“You’re hopeless”
These words might seem like nothing,
But they impacted me.
I have so little self-confidence,
That I won’t even TRY to be better.
I resigned myself to be nothing
To be a nobody,
To just fit in,
All because you couldn’t praise me,
You didn’t help
You didn’t ever say anything nice,
You just destroyed my dreams,
So my failure,
Is on you.

You used to be there for me,
You used to be my rock,
You used to be the one I trusted,
But where are you now?
Where have you been these past few years?
Traveling?
Trading?
School?
I don’t know,
But I wish I did.
You abandoned me in my time of need.
You made me lose hope in everyone.
When you left,
Everything went downhill
From taking the abuse from a loved one
To being bullied for something I couldn't help
I was suicidal,
And you weren’t there to help
Did I do something wrong?
Was I not good enough for you?
Or did you just not want me?
A broken little girl who tries her best
To not let anything affect her?
I was broken after you left,
Nothing could put me back together,
Only my one love could.
I told you everything
How I feel,
How I think
How I just needed an escape.
I told you my deepest fears,
My biggest dreams,
You have seen me at my lowest low,
And at my highest high,
But where are you now?
You left me,
No note,
No nothing.
You disappeared,
I always wondered where you were
And I guess I’ll never know
I just miss you,
My sister
My light in the darkness,
Why did you leave?

I hear the fights between them
And I constantly think
“Please don’t notice me”
With each passing word I feel more and more numb
Families are supposed to love each other,
Cherish the little things,
Protect each other….
What happened to mine?
For YEARS I have witness these “blowouts”
And after each one of them...
I’m scared
What If they hit me I think
What if they turn their wrath on me?
What if they don’t want me anymore?
What if they send me back?
I try so hard to cover up my insecurities,
But it’s getting to much
Y’all fight over the simpl  things,
The tiniest things trigger you,
And all I can do is sit there and think
“What happened to my family?”
No kid should think this,
So why am I?

I’m sorry I’m not good enough
I’m sorry I’m too loud
I’m sorry you don’t like me
But none of that is my fault
I can’t be what you want
And I hurt myself because of that
You don’t see what you say affects me
You don’t notice the self-inflicted wounds
You just keep adding on and on
On way I’ll break ya know,
With every words said against me
Another cut is made
Soon enough there won’t be enough room
When the day comes
Maybe I’ll have had enough of this abuse
Until then,
I’ll take what you give me
I’m just sorry you can’t see the good in others
I’m sorry you can’t see your own flaws
But sometimes sorry isn’t enough

All emotion can be shut off.
I should know,
I’ve done it for years.
Me doing this has kept me sane.
I shut off my feelings of sadness,
So I won’t regret.
I shut off my feelings of anger
So I don't hurt anybody.
I shut off my feelings of self-loathing
So I can preserve my mind.
I shut off my feelings of guilt,
So I won’t feel obligated to do anything
I shut off my feelings of grief,
So I can focus on what's important
Instead of living in the past.
To me,
Emotions are useless,
And hinder one's ability.
But the humans worst mistake
Is apathy.
Apathy to the terrors that everyone ignores,
Apathy to the beating others endure
Apathy to the horrors others put them through
There needs to be a balance,
A balance between the emotional
And the Apathetic
I wonder if I am that bridge,
I wonder if that is even possible.
All I know,
Is that emotion clouds one's judgement,
And Apathy lets the horrors of the world
Continue.

Words spoken in anger
Are words spoken true.
When you yelled at me,
“You’re worthless”
I knew it to be true.
I’m faced with that thought
Every
Single
Day.
Everything you yell,
I already know.
I know I’m worthless
I know I don’t deserve the life I live
I know I’m a burden.
You constantly yelling it,
Just justifies it.  
The one who is supposed to protect me,
Nurture me,
Help me,
Was the driving force in my fall from the light.
Even after you quit yelling,
I know you spoke true,
And you don’t actually care what I feel.
You just try to apologize to save face.
Maybe one day,
You’ll know what you did to me,
But today is not the day.

I cut myself
So I can feel
I starve myself
So I can be pretty
I isolate myself
So no one will know
I destroy my body,
So I can prove I can do something.
I know no one will notice,
I know no one will care,
I know no one will help.
I do this for myself,
And myself only.
I do this so I can prove myself.
I know if I confide,
In anybody,
They would turn their back.
I know,
This world is a cruel place.
I know no one accept people like me
I know the world isn’t ready.
The world isn’t ready for me.

I hear the constant yelling
I hear your constant arguments
I hear the fight you have
I hear the insults you yell at each other
When will it stop?
You yell and scream
You pull me into your fights
I see the things being thrown
I hear the demeaning things said
When will they finally concede?
It’s like living with 4 year olds
I can see the redness in their faces
I can hear the raw anger In their voice
I can hear the curses being thrown
I can feel the hatred emanating from their bodies
Do they know how that affects me?
Tensing up whenever they are in the same room
When they leave the room,
The Relief I feel is instant
For then next couple days,
Loud noises scare me
I’m constantly on edge,
Why should the people you love not love each other?
She says that you should just be quiet
He says well look at you
I just try not to cower away

The scars on my body,
Are my own.
No one else can see,
No one else can know,
No one else can care.
The things I do to my body,
Are my ***** little
Guilty pleasures.
I can’t get enough of the rush,
I can’t get the image of my blood spilling out
I can’t get the blade to fall.
I need to feel the sting,
I need to feel the pain,
I need to feel something.
I am addicted…
To the blade on my skin,
Cutting into my skin,
Waiting for the crimson lines to appear.
I am addicted,
To the feeling of retribution.
I know I deserve it,
I deserve every cut inflicted,
Every burn I administer
I deserve all the pain I give myself.
I know I am nothing,
I know all I bring is pain,
I know no one will ever see me for who I am.
All I can do is hope,
That one day I can get help,
That one day someone will care,
That one day,
I will be in recovery.
Until that day,
All I know is
I have to keep
Cutting.

Your eyes say it all,
Whether you are mad,
Happy,
Sad,
Angry,
Or any other emotion
People say that ones
Eyes are windows into their souls,
That statement couldn’t be more true for you
Even when you try to be stoic,
Your eyes betray you.
They show your true feelings
They show what you’re thinking
They show the disgust you have for me,
The anger when you spot me,
The joy when you beat me into submission
The triumphant gleam
When you finally break me
After each beating,
You give a laugh of satisfaction,
But what have I ever done to you?
I know my eyes show the confusion,
And the brokenness of my soul.
I know my eyes show the anger I feel
For being hurt needlessly
I know my eyes show the forgiveness
That you don’t deserve
I know my eyes show the cracks in my heart,
I know my eyes show the damage you have done
But the eyes don’t show the scars,
The scars on both our souls.
The eyes don’t show the irreparable damage
That has been done to both of us.
The eyes don’t show the full story.
Your eyes don't show how you were abused,
How you always felt powerless.
They don’t show that you beating me is your way of coping.
My eyes don’t show that I could easily overpower you,
They don’t show that I’m grateful for the attention
Because no one else notices me,
My eyes don’t show that I love you.
Eyes can show one's soul,
But no one knows the story behind them.

Why am I so weak?
Why can’t I be strong for once.
Why can’t I be normal?
Why do I live in a world of pain
This reality of truth
This realm of heartbreak?
Why do I live in a society where I fear for my life?
I fear the terrorists coming,
I fear the school shooters shooting,
I fear the threats that have yet to be known.
Why should I, or anyone
Have to grow up with this?
The constant threat of something coming,
The feeling of uncertainty when it come to school,
Wondering if I’ll be the next victim?
When will I be able to walk the streets,
Not wondering if I will get shot.
What wrong with today?
People ask.
Let me tell you.
I have to grow up
Living In fear for my life
I have to grow up
with the threats of terrorism
I have to grow up
Wondering if I’ll die today
I have to grow up
Knowing the world is falling apart
I have to grow up
Feeling as if there is always something bigger than me
I have to grow up
With no hope for a better world
This world is toxic,
I wonder when others will start noticing

Is it bad that change myself to conform with society?
That I’ve changed so much
I’ve forgotten the real me?
Sure, society is changing
But I want to be the REAL me NOW.
Not to sound bratty or whiney,
But it’s been long enough of people hiding behind false smiles
And fake laughter
Of people hiding behind a persona they make for themselves
We want to be who we want now.
When’s it going to happen?
When can I walk into school
Without fear of being bullied for what I wear
When can I walk the streets
Without fear of being *****
When can I walk into a room
Without judging stares
When will any of this happen?
Is it bad I’ve created a false image of myself?
That I fear being judged so much
That I changed everything about myself,
That I can’t remember what the real me looks like
I used to be a sweet, somewhat girly kid.
Now, I dress like a boy
So not to get others attention,
I intimidate the **** out of others
So not to get bullied for being small,
I don’t show feeling,
So not to be judged for being weak.
I just want to be the real me,
Just once in my life without fear
Of what others will say.

I cover up my cuts
So you won’t see
I lie
So you won’t know
I punch you
So you will go away
But it’s time you knew
Every scar on my body,
Is just another example of how weak I am.
Every emotion shown,
Is a show of how inadequate I feel.
Every action I do,
Is a show of the control I try to exhibit.
Every cut on my arms,
Is another battle I lost.
I’m not as strong as I portray myself to be
I fell off the “good” train long ago
Every time I say I’m fine
I’m lying
Every time I laugh
It’s fake
Every time I smile,
I want to die
But I do everything in my power
So you won’t know
I try to protect you
From the horror that is myself
But you need to know,
I am breaking

Your words hurt me
The way you ridicule me for something I can’t help
I don’t deserve it
What have I done to you?
It hurt
The things you said
“Were you abandoned?”
Yes
“Were you just unwanted?”
Yes
And I don’t want to think of that anymore
You saying that just brings old
USELESS
Memories back
You ask
“Did they just not want you?”
The answer is yes.
I can’t make it anymore obvious I don’t want to talk about this
Your words didn’t just hurt me though
If that happened I would have been fine
But no,
You hurt my friend with your heartless words
And I will defend them from anything
You need to know the impact of what you said
You made me feel worthless
Like I am not wanted
Do you know how that feels?
No
You don’t.
But that how you made me and my friend feel
As if we were nothing

My Best Friend:

Ya know,

You’re my best friend

And I love you

Not in a romantic way.

You make me smile a bit more

You make me laugh when I need it

You’re family is mine.

You help me when I’m down

Even if you don’t know

You never fail to make me smile,

For that

I’m eternally grateful.

From when try to show off

To when you drag me around to “play”

Or when we “fight”

To when we run around like idiots.

You never fail to help me.

From the first “I hate you”

To the last “you’re my best friend”

You have always been there for me.

Thank you

I can taste it,
The bile in my throat.
The taste of a meal wasted.
I can see the remnants of what was once a calorie filled dinner
I don’t want to be like this,
But I have to.
I need to be pretty
I need to be skinny
I need to be…
Not me.
I’ve lost weight in the past months
I’ve gotten skinnier,
At the expense of my energy,
I’ve gotten prettier,
At the expense of my health
I’ve gotten better,
At the expense of my sanity
The sound myself gagging,
Is the proof that I’m getting better
The image of my ribs
Is the proof that I’m improving
The thigh gap I have
Is the proof I’m good enough
I just need to be…
Skinnier,
Slimmer,
Better.

I don’t know you anymore
You have changed
And not for the better
You’re abusive
You’re cutting
You use drugs and alcohol as a remedy
What happened to make you like this?
What made a wonderful person turn into this?
I miss the old you
You were kind
Sweet
Funny
caring
I don’t care how cliche that sounds
It’s true
And I miss it
I miss YOU
Not this artificial cover up
I NEED the old you
You were my confidant
You were my rock
You helped me through the hardest things
Was I too much for you?
Did I make you like this?
I’m sorry.
I just miss you

Pain
It’s all I know
It’s all I see
It’s all I hear
It’s all I feel
When will it stop?
It is slowly tearing me apart
The physical pain of my injuries
The mental pain of knowing I wasn’t wanted
The emotional pain of my demons
It just needs to stop.
I can’t stand it anymore
It’s there
Always
Subconsciously
I don’t know how to make it stop
It’s starting to get too much.
The pain of being abandoned
Ignored
Abused
Emotional and mentally
I just don’t know how to end it all.
My existence revolves around pain
I don’t know how to just turn it off
The pain of being unwanted
A shadow
Pushed around
It HURTS
I don’t know what to do anymore
Maybe I will just end it all
Or resort to harming myself
I just need to do something to end it
Or at least leases this feeling
The only thing I know is pain
I guess I’ll just have to live with it

What I need is someone to care,
Someone to notice,
Someone to help.
I just need you to see.
Maybe you could help me.
I don't know.
I just need you to see.
Not the whole picture,
Just what was in front of you all this time.
I try for your attention
But you never notice.
You don’t know how much that hurts.
I could die and you wouldn’t notice for days.
I just need you to notice.
Notice the scars
The pain in my eyes
The loneliness emanating from me.
I just need some help,
So this is my cry for help.
I need you to see.

Whenever I say something you ignore me
Whenever I do something you hurt me
Whenever I think something you yell at me
I have had enough
If you don’t like how I am then leave
I do things how I want
If you don’t approve
I don’t care
I do what I want
You say that you care
But actions speak louder than words
You of all people should know that
Your the one that drilled it in me
So quit yelling
Quit hitting
Quit hurting me
Even if you don’t see,
I need you to know
How much you hurt me
Every time you yell
Hit
Hurt
I just can’t take anymore
I’m sorry
But it’s true
Whenever you yell,
I flinch
Whenever you ignore me
My spirit deflates
Whenever you hit
I take it
But it HURTS that you would hurt me
And I don’t know what to do now

Even if I don’t acknowledge it,
It’s always there,
Waiting…
The need burns within,
My demons are screaming for me it
My mind is craving it.
The feel of a blade on my skin
The sting of cutting myself open,
The rush I feel when I see the ruby red blood
I NEED to feel all these things
Even if I don’t know I need it,
They keep telling me.
Cut.
They chant.
Spill your blood,
You deserve it for not being enough,
I’ve become addicted to the feeling
The feeling of something other than
Self-hated
Anger or
Sadness
I could finally feel somethings else,
Pain.
I could physically feel my demons dripping out of me
I could feel the relief of my emotions
I could feel free,
Even if it's just for a moment,
It helps
Cutting helps me accomplish this
I am always weighed down by my problems,
I’ve finally found a way to…
Just let go for a moment

I feel numb
People say they can help,
But they can’t
This feeling
I don’t know how to describe.
I hate
And I love it
It makes me feel free
It makes me feel nothing at all
I need a way to feel again.
I wonder how that can be done.
Cutting?
Burning?
Hitting?
Alcohol?
Drugs, maybe?
I just know that anyone of these would make me feel.
I need that
Even if I know that it’s wrong
I need to FEEL.
I need to feel my pain
My anger
My sorrow
My happiness
If i even have one.
I don’t care what I have to do to feel again.
I will do it.
People say that I shouldn’t do this.
I don’t care.

I need you to see the pain I am in
I need you to acknowledge the fears I have
I need you to help me
You don’t have to do anything drastic
I just need support
Or maybe comfort when I’m sad
You never do that for me
But then again,
I’m good at hiding any emotion
I just NEED you to see what you have caused
I am afraid to open up to you
You have always hurt me when I have done so
But I need you to not hurt me this time
I need you to see the pain that I carry
The fear I know
The hopelessness in my eyes
The self hatred I look at myself with
The depression I have fallen into
The little cracks I have in my soul
The fact I’m so close to falling apart
I just need you to see all the little things
And maybe piece it together.
If you do that simple thing
You would be helping me in ways no one ever could
If you could see any of these things,
I would be happy for once