I want to just hide Away from everyone Maybe I do need meds I'm not sure if I can make it much longer I just don't know how to speak up about it How do you hide from yourself? Is it physically possible? If it is someone please help Tell me how I just wanna be gone
Can you see my eyes, the way they evenly are red? Puffed and slightly tearful still. Did you know it made me tired to walk out of an empty room again, pretending to just find something that was in my hand. Well I guess I've never lied, I truly lost something every time you didn't notice my breath was choking me. It's so hard to focus with shaking hands and detached eyes. I feel defeated every night I sleep. Maybe I'm over dramatic, maybe I just make things worse purposely. But you telling me I have no problems? That, my friend, hurts the most-
It wasn't until my physical pain met my mental pain that I knew I had to surrender. I wanted to remember, so they finally crossed paths shaking hands with another as my body was a bloodbath turning to scarlet color. Glossing, my eyes poured out the lies as I started to cry, I couldn't resist the fight of my fist to speak of this. I know I know, I know. Once again I had let go of you you & you. And my mental pain said goodbye to my physical pain and so did you & I.
Whenever I say something you ignore me Whenever I do something you hurt me Whenever I think something you yell at me I have had enough If you don’t like how I am then leave I do things how I want If you don’t approve I don’t care I do what I want You say that you care But actions speak louder than words You of all people should know that Your the one that drilled it in me So quit yelling Quit hitting Quit hurting me Even if you don’t see, I need you to know How much you hurt me Every time you yell Hit Hurt I just can’t take anymore I’m sorry But it’s true Whenever you yell, I flinch Whenever you ignore me My spirit deflates Whenever you hit I take it But it HURTS that you would hurt me And I don’t know what to do now
Yeah, I tried. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading.
Here I am bleeding again Taken aback by mortal fear Staring at faith Staged by hope Pouring rain on visceral cage– The sound of deep Calling to deep.
Repressed feelings buried by time Epitaph reads on the forgotten grave
"Here lies the child now grown His hopes and dreams Dashed to pieces. This is where the child died."
I often hear the Mystic Keeper Calling from night And tradition calling from artificial light
As I run through scorched barren Fields of doubt
Walking barefoot over these coals Crouching low To hide my eyes
As I run And as I hide From what has already been revealed-- The tombstone says it all.
When I am out on the water Lost in the Channel fog I often see fleeting glimpses of White cliffs of hope Shining on the edge of Melancholy Sea-- But they turn out to be just Withered white Seeds of religious platitudes.
And then there is the ready reflection Of the looking glass That often tricks the beholder For in it truth is not seen What is seen is graffiti of soul Hiding the crumbling Cracks of age–
The threshold where Sanity meets its end.
Isolation has become A shining steel blade Cutting deep Into the heart of hearts
Nothing lives after amputation Depending on emotional prosthetics-- Phantom pain When nothing is there.
But in the midst of these devastations I am learning to take
The hand of trust and grace And to allow Hope to build A fortress for dreams… Set boundaries better Than no control at all.
--Daniel Irwin Tucker
This piece was written at a time when I experienced a dibillatating physical illness which still affects me today (not physical amputation btw). But pain, caused by self-inflicted or extraneous traumatic experiences such as myriad forms of assault and losing or cutting off people or things in our lives, can be severely felt as a type of phantom pain. This, of course is a universal aspect of the human condition.