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I picked up lying at my mothers knee
She would spit them out onto the floor
I would scramble to pick them all up
I needed to hold them close to me
Because there's some truth in there
I just have to find it
Blood worked for forgiveness
Riddled with gaping red wounds
I always had enough for everyone to take  
Empty worked for everything else
Being a good liar is knowing
how almost true will win every time
It's knowing how to say anything
that will get you through
this next one moment
I picked up lying at my mothers knee

-

-It will always be the most useful thing she has ever taught me
-
you relearn coming home

-

You find out how it tastes different
From when you were a little girl
(It’s far less rust tinged these days)

You name everything inside of you
anger or shame
So you never have to look to closely at the hurt
(It's mostly pretending you are something other than empty)

You relearn steady in chaos
you can still patch up
****** gaping holes with shaking hands
Lies leave your mouth faster
Than anyone has time to get the safety off

You relearn two faced
that one you never really let go of
it feels the same as it always did
Like a party trick you could never stop preforming
because it isn’t one
You know liar
The game is you are almost always
Telling a truth



-  What does learning to come home mean; why is it the first place you learn to run from
Elizabethanne Jun 15
How do I  
keep the weight of family
From crushing me whole

How do you
keep blood and duty
Running through your veins
And not spilling out
onto the floor every chance you get

How do I
keep everything inside me
When I’ve never wanted anything more
Than to slip out of this skin and
into the night

- I keep these scars because you asked me to hold on to them for you
Oct 2019 · 200
Religion
Elizabethanne Oct 2019
His love was built like religion
Thousands of years in the making
(He burnt witches just because he could)
He strung up every girl that he once claimed he loved
( he called them liars and *******)
He swore consent like he was pledging allegiance
To his father and his father before him
( his brand of love built on a system of blind eyes)
We will try to take him to court
Try to show the people
( The bruises. The aching. The nightmares. The empty)
Tangible without a doubt proof
That he broke into us and stole things
But
He has been playing (and winning) this game
A lot longer than we’ve been fighting
His love was built like religion
So
Excuses are made
"Boys will be boys"
And we pray to a system
That has always been in his back pocket


- We will haunt this church of injustice until it is nothing more than a ghost story
Oct 2019 · 8
What Does It Look Like
Elizabethanne Oct 2019
I have sat across
From the love of my life
So many times
That I have lost count
Of all the pieces of heart that I have given
But never gotten back

I have given everything
That I had even when I knew
I would need it for myself
I have put so many hopes and dreams
On other peoples shoulders
Because I thought
We were both carrying the weight
Only to be left with it all

I have let in
And loved people
I had no business doing either
Set up shop and said
"I am here to stay even if you do not want me."
Because I never learned how to love
without giving every single inch of myself

I have made myself
Easy to leave
Small and quiet
I have made myself
A home
A body for one night
A graveyard
Where I let you
lay to rest everything that haunts you
And let it hurt me instead

I have sat across
From the love of my life
So many times
That I have lost sense
Of what love really is anymore

- What does love look like
Oct 2019 · 153
Kill the
Elizabethanne Oct 2019
**** the heart
(or was it the hurt)
I need to borrow your spine
Mine is buried in my closet
I have fracture patterns etched into my skin
In the shape of your knuckles
the blue carpet in the living room is worn down
Two spots where my knees fit perfectly
Because praying to god felt a lot like having control back
**** the hurt
(or was it my heart)
The first time I wrote out your name
My hands shook so badly
Because I was always told
names have power
I wasn’t sure if I would survive you having anymore over me
I need to borrow your spine
mine buried 6 feet deep
I have the taste of ash on my tongue
You lit everything on fire
And watched it burn and burn
when I woke up in the burnt out shell of house and body
I knew I only had three things left to do
**** the heart, **** the hurt, and bury the spine
Survive
Survive
Survive
Elizabethanne Jan 2019
What would you do to get back their love?

I would destroy cities
I would collapse mountains
Let rivers run dry
Give them everything that they didn’t already have of me
(which is nothing)
( I gave it all)
It still wasn’t enough
They wanted to take my hurt
( It’s the only thing I have left)
( It’s a broken bone I won’t ever let heal)
Tell me it wasn’t that bad
To think about the people who have hurt me
(Won’t this hurt them?)
Would they say that
if they knew about everything
(About all the things to ***** to see sunlight)
(I love them .I must love them . I love them )
It doesn’t erase the things
that need to be said so I can be better
What would you do to get back their love?
Everything but give up the love I have for myself.

- Sometimes there is no easy words for the hurt
Nov 2018 · 3.5k
Regrow
Elizabethanne Nov 2018
Your secrets know their place
(next to mine. hers. ours)
Beneath floorboards
you can hear them at night
Haunting this house
Palms pressed against wood
late in the night
With your ear against the cool floor
You listen to them speak to you
Begging to be let out
(they are always begging)
They want to breathe the same air as you again
But all you can do
is feel like you are choking
(God i'm gasping for air)
These words getting stuck in your throat
Sink to the bottom of this foundation
And regrow into a home where these secrets have no place to ruin.

-Secrets will rot this foundation and you will spend a very long time digging your way out
Nov 2018 · 49
Smile
Elizabethanne Nov 2018
You tell me to smile *****
And I can feel the old me
Ready to smile *****
Because I am good
At smiling
(Fake and Empty)
Because smiling *******
Don’t get
Murdered. *****. Beaten
(that’s a lie most do)
But I have a better chance
At making it home
If I show some teeth
I’ve seen so many news stories
Of girls who did not
Smile *****
But were
“*******, *****.”
Or
Simply
“No, *****.”
Now their mothers never smile anymore
But instead visit grave sites

- You tell me to smile *****
- And I have to decide if I want to make it home .
Sep 2018 · 530
Gently
Elizabethanne Sep 2018
I think maybe I would have liked
To have been loved gently
But I sunk
With broken knees at your alter
Pledged Allegiance to a false god
Who spoke the Old Testament like it was truth
And the hands that were wrapped around my throat
were dipped in holy water
so even in death I was blessed
He will preach
To all the women he has turned into sin
Say -with a soft caress across my check
That echos and vibrates off the walls
Like the silence after a gun shot
“If you love me you’ll do this.”
Because manipulation comes easy to him
Hand to God
he is your salvation
And no one will ever love you like he does.


- He can’t be your salvation
- Because you already saved yourself
Sep 2018 · 582
SEVENTEEN
Elizabethanne Sep 2018
I am seventeen years old
And I’m sitting at the bottom of my tub.
I’ve cracked my wrists open like the windows in my room-
I’m trying to let some light in
I need to breathe fresh air into my body.
this is the only way I know how
I have closed the curtains,
boarded up the doors.
you had a key
And you trekked in mud and pine needles from the giant spruce tree outside.
I pick them out of my hair
And line them up on the side of the stained porcelain tub.
I am thinking of putting out a foreclosure sign in my front yard-
Abandoning these halls and leaving everything but this stained tub behind.
Seventeen is hard and rough,
It had calloused hands and it took things from me I wasn’t ready to give.

- I am twenty now
- And I’ve redone my home and tore out the stained tub
Sep 2018 · 555
SKIN
Elizabethanne Sep 2018
I have miles and miles of skin.
Untouched
I have miles and miles of skin.
Begging to be loved,
Some of it
has been marred
With hungry hands and bruising grips.
Some has been stitched together
With a cool demeanour and practised fingers.
Parts bare scars of a desperate girl-
Looking for a way to feel something
All of it is wholly mine

- this body is my home and I have let many people decorate it because I thought they would stay.
Jul 2018 · 322
Grow
Elizabethanne Jul 2018
I died for you once
And I told myself-
I would never again
Make a graveyard out of a garden

- why do I always cut away the flowers to make room for tombstones
Jul 2018 · 401
Thank you.
Elizabethanne Jul 2018
You will say thank you,
for loving me like a prayer.
Because you think the only way-
someone could love you was through divine intervention.
You, a girl who is not quite yet a women.
You still think you can make men out of monsters-
That you only must show love to get it in return.
You have not yet learned
That some monsters
Have given their souls a long time ago.
That the blood that they taste on their tongue
no longer tastes like rust,
It’s what keeps them alive.
And he keeps you because
You liken him to godly-
And he hasn’t felt that kind of reverence in a long time.


- he will will take the innocent you wear like a shield and break it down until there is nothing left, not even him.
Jun 2018 · 661
The hard way
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
I can no longer let your sins
Drag me down
I am so tired of trying to learn
how to breathe at the bottom of your secretes
Truth has never been our family currency
But I can no longer pay in blood
I will try truth and see how it feels on my tongue
(your actions have consequences and you never cared who paid them)
It took me my entire childhood to understand this lesson
(I convinced myself I could love you enough that you would start to love yourself)
I was wrong
(every time that you had to choose between yourself and me
I always lost)
Trying to understand that you would always choose yourself over me was a very hard thing to swallow.
(you will tell yourself in the darkness of the night that you both did the best you could)
I am a church of scars and I have one for every time you let me drown alone.
- you will not love me when I tell you the truth
Jun 2018 · 328
The Bee’s
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
I want to be
Alive.
Alive.
Alive.
I want to feel my heartbeat thrumming
all the way down to my very finger tips
I want the golden sunshine to warm
My body
My soul
I want it to reach inside me
and make the wild flowers grow
in the darkest parts of me
So I can be vibrant
So I can now have a reason to tend to me
I have spent to long not loving those dark parts of me
but now I can become a garden full of honey
And safe place for bees
A safe place for me
My body will be my own again
I will have no place for what you did to me.

- I have spent to long not loving myself
Jun 2018 · 291
Bones
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
I thought I understood grief.
But I didn’t until-
I was standing alone in a room.
Missing so many parts of myself,
because I kept giving them away
So the people I love
could keep on living.
-
- they are scavengers and they will pick you clean until it is only your bones that shine in the sun.
Jun 2018 · 398
Leaving
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
When everything is said and done
I will collect the pieces of yourself you left behind on our living room floor
I will place them in a box and I will put them on my shelf
for a time
They will cry for you to come back and claim them again
Like me
they will tell themselves
You would never decide you could live without them
But eventually
they will grow dust
and become tired of longing for someone
who will never come back
And so will I

- We are more than the love they did not give
Jun 2018 · 353
Free
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
Daughter,
You were born on a battle field.
Forged from years of hunger for more
From the dream of women who couldn't stay contained-
You have wildfire eyes.
100 years of insult and mockery as armour
Do not let them down.
Scream so loud
That it can be heard across the killing field-
Scream until you can hear it echoed back by your sisters.
Together,
Proud and ready
You could lead us into victory.

- they tell us we are weak
- We use their bones to clean out our teeth
Jun 2018 · 24.7k
TOUCH ME
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if that love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts that they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
Because you broke me
And I was looking for different fingers
To place different pieces and hoping
That the outcome would be a masterpiece
That maybe one of them would find a way
To cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself that you wouldn't be the only one
That the scars that mark my body wouldn't define my worth to be loved
I am still not entirely sure that you aren't the only one
Who could ever touch me

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay
Jun 2018 · 41
Burn
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
This is
for every woman who has been told
that you take up to much space
That you may burn
but not enough to catch fire and spread


- Start the ******* world on fire
Jun 2018 · 376
Haunt Me
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
I live among ghosts now
Because magic always has a price.

To bring you back-
I had to revive dead versions,
Of who I used to be.

- This love is haunting and raising things that were better left dead has consequences
- You are here , but you love her
Jun 2018 · 1.3k
Golden
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
I want gold to drip from my tongue.
As if to drench my words with importance.
I want it to leak out and sit atop my head like a crown.
When I speak to you with kindness,
When I speak to you with love,
to show that I am no longer bowing down.
Because I am dipped in gold and a queen of sunshine.
And I will no longer let memories of you steal the warmness inside me-
My hands may still be cold
But I have a fire heart that you can no longer put out.

- for all the boys who try to make you fall to your knees remind them you are a force to be reckoned with.
Jun 2018 · 308
Dead man's arms
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
I cracked open your chest
and crawled inside
Trying to get your heart beating again
falling into a dead man's arms
helped me understand
That trying to make a home - out of empty skin
would leave me with nothing
but blood-stained hands that would never scrub clean.
These same hands that will shake
as I beg for forgiveness to all those who come after me-
a quiet confession to all the girls I couldn't save.
And the girl before me,
with the same shaking hands and dead eyes.
She wept for you
and for me
an angel crying before the devil.
And we will seek absolution before God
we will count our sins and say our 100 Hail Marys
our praise be to him.
In an attempt to atone for the sin-
and rid our souls of only the grief,
a dead man can leave.
Jun 2018 · 698
Liar
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
We catch bullets with our teeth
Lies that taste like gun powder and lead
They rip down our throats and they make us bleed
But we swallow them down
and tell ourselves  they taste like honey that they taste so sweet
- to all the lies we've swallowed because the truth would hurt so much more
Jun 2018 · 259
GHOST
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
Sometimes I swear to God
I can feel who I used to be -
Slip into bed with me at night.

- I am trying to be new but I still love everyone I left behind
Jun 2018 · 521
Violet
Elizabethanne Jun 2018
With skinned knees and cracked palms
I crawled toward you.
With my broken smile in my outstretched hand-
blood mixed with forgiveness.
I begged you to hurt me again.
Because the only way I knew how to feel,
was through the echo of my desperate pleas of "don't ever leave me“
May 2018 · 410
FORGIVE
Elizabethanne May 2018
Your body is not the forgiveness lost men need to find themselves.
What a wicked way to treat the girl
who loves you
As if you could see the light
to bathe your secrets
In the space between her thighs-
that you could find forgiveness in between the notches of her spine.
She tastes of honey suckle and smells like summer rain
but she'll never be able to coat the ash clinging to your throat.
Or wash away the ache that's settled into your bones-
She's like sweet torture
something you can touch but never truly keep-
You have spent far too long in the darkness to do anything but try and steal her light.
So I beg of you
-let her go-
Because when she finally figures out you used her as convenient, as easy, as a way to dull the pain-
she'll have to find her own forgiveness and have no time for yours.

- She let you into her heart into her body and she will spend a very long time trying to forgive herself for what you broke.
May 2018 · 345
HUNGER
Elizabethanne May 2018
I saw a picture of a girl.
and I thought
Gorgeous,
Hollowed out-
And caved in.
I couldn't help but wonder,
If her lovers hands traced her carved out collar bones.
If his mouth left bruises that marked her for days,
Like a trail along her chest as if to say her skin is mine.
Did he do it with love?
Did he ever wonder when the last time she thought to take up space.
Did he stop to think, that the melody he plays out as they make love-
Is her ribs giving the appearance of a piano.
Bones pressed against skin.
A symphony that plays out like an apology
"Never to thin" it sings.
I saw a picture of a girl and I thought,
Wasting away is an awful way to live.

- because we've always been told skinny is beautiful and we disappear and no one wonders where we go.
May 2018 · 371
(Ache)
Elizabethanne May 2018
Your star freckled hands
reach inside me-
Pleasure making me forget even momentarily
That this, is not a love story.

Your hands do nothing to soothe the empty hunger left behind.
When my bedsheets are no longer warmed with your body.

Like an echo I can feel my heart beat against my rib cage.
A violent rally of
Alone.
And it screams
Alone.
Thumps
Alone.
And my fingers trace it into your skin when you are making my body your temporary home
(Alone . Alone . Alone it sings )

And I must never forget that
your hands can make me moan your name
Shout praises to a god I don't even believe in-
But your heart could not bear
to love me for anything more than my body

-to the girls who confuse *** with love
And to the boys who think an ****** is a job well done

— The End —