I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

This is
for every woman who has been told
that you take up to much space
That you may burn
but not enough to catch fire and spread


- Start the ******* world on fire

I live among ghosts now
Because magic always has a price.

To bring you back-
I had to revive dead versions,
Of who I used to be.

- This love is haunting and raising things that were better left dead has consequences
- You are here , but you love her

I want gold to drip from my tongue.
As if to drench my words with importance.
I want it to leak out and sit atop my head like a crown.
When I speak to you with kindness,
When I speak to you with love,
to show that I am no longer bowing down.
Because I am dipped in gold and a queen of sunshine.
And I will no longer let memories of you steal the warmness inside me-
My hands may still be cold
But I have a fire heart that you can no longer put out.

- for all the boys who try to make you fall to your knees remind them you are a force to be reckoned with.

I cracked open your chest
and crawled inside
Trying to get your heart beating again
falling into a dead man's arms
helped me understand
That trying to make a home - out of empty skin
would leave me with nothing
but blood-stained hands that would never scrub clean.
These same hands that will shake
as I beg for forgiveness to all those who come after me-
a quiet confession to all the girls I couldn't save.
And the girl before me,
with the same shaking hands and dead eyes.
She wept for you
and for me
an angel crying before the devil.
And we will seek absolution before God
we will count our sins and say our 100 Hail Marys
our praise be to him.
In an attempt to atone for the sin-
and rid our souls of only the grief,
a dead man can leave.

Your body is not the forgiveness lost men need to find themselves.
What a wicked way to treat the girl
who loves you
As if you could see the light
to bathe your secrets
In the space between her thighs-
that you could find forgiveness in between the notches of her spine.
She tastes of honey suckle and smells like summer rain
but she'll never be able to coat the ash clinging to your throat.
Or wash away the ache that's settled into your bones-
She's like sweet torture
something you can touch but never truly keep-
You have spent far too long in the darkness to do anything but try and steal her light.
So I beg of you
-let her go-
Because when she finally figures out you used her as convenient, as easy, as a way to dull the pain-
she'll have to find her own forgiveness and have no time for yours.

- She let you into her heart into her body and she will spend a very long time trying to forgive herself for what you broke.

Your star freckled hands
reach inside me-
Pleasure making me forget even momentarily
That this, is not a love story.

Your hands do nothing to soothe the empty hunger left behind.
When my bedsheets are no longer warmed with your body.

Like an echo I can feel my heart beat against my rib cage.
A violent rally of
Alone.
And it screams
Alone.
Thumps
Alone.
And my fingers trace it into your skin when you are making my body your temporary home
(Alone . Alone . Alone it sings )

And I must never forget that
your hands can make me moan your name
Shout praises to a god I don't even believe in-
But your heart could not bear
to love me for anything more than my body

-to the girls who confuse *** with love
And to the boys who think an ****** is a job well done