It’s funny...
There are nights...
when the crickets sing and the breeze at night is warm..
I find myself craving you..
Your touch.
Your kiss, that stopped time.
Passion that engulfed my soul.

I miss a lie.
Because you were never real.
And neither was your love.

Sometimes I pretend you’re real.
Kissing me with such passion it lights me up like all the stars in the sky.

Call me crazy.
****, Call me what you will.
But I think karma is really real.

Live a life full of wickedness.
**** everyone over.
Lie..
Cheat..
And steal..
Then repeat.
And do it all over.

Don’t forget to play the victim.
Don’t forget to smile.
You’ve put on a real good show.

You’ve played the part so well.
You’ve played them all so well.
You think you’ve won.
But nothing lasts forever.....
Because karma’s a bad *** *****.

I placed my heart in your hands..
That summer, long ago.
So naive.. so pure before I let myself go.

It was there I fell for you.
Behind that Oklahoma sky.
In love with a man who had the devils grin.

These are all faded memories, scattered, deep within my mind. Places I never visit.
Places I never give any of my time.

The only evidence left in these memories, is one undeniable truth...
.
If you had never ripped my heart in two,
I would have never become bran new.

I had no idea who I was back then.
All I knew was that I loved you.

Who knew,
That I’d find strength from the pain.

I have you to thank for showing me my greatest lesson I’ve learned thus far.
Thank you for breaking my heart, it was the worst pain I’d ever felt.

It took you not loving me at all, for me to fully and completely, love myself.

I thought of you today...
****...
It’s been at least a year...

Thanks to Halsey...
But I can’t complain..
Music is beautiful that way..

In the sense where a song can be so beautifully written, with lyrics that depict all the things you experienced, and especially all that you wanted to say but couldn’t.

****...
(I hold back a laugh...)
This is kind of painful...
I shake you off.
My heart only associates you with pain.
I won’t let myself go back there.
But I can’t deny these lyrics.....
Because they were our story for the longest time...


I am speechless because I never expected a song to pull that ******* the heart strings of my past.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

Obviously, Shaw had his heart broken once or twice, in his life.

But when you experience it yourself, what are you going to do give up? Quit? No. Not me.

I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are.
You may feel as if you're lost.
As if you've lost yourself.
But we're never lost forever.
And that pain you feel? That ache in your stomach...
That sting in your heart....
That's life.
The confusion and fear?
That's there to remind you of one very important thing.
And that is that somewhere out there, is something better, and it's not always going to be easily found or easy to happen.
But it will, and that something is worth fighting for.

In my thirty two years of life I’ve come to the conclusion that if having things turned out the way i wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure.

I don't know a lot about life, and I'm nowhere near the realm of perfection. But If there's anything I've learned it's to not to be bitter over life’s disappointments.
You will come to a place in your life where you will learn to let go of the past. And recognize that every day won’t be sunny, with rainbows and talking unicorns.

But, when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair that is sometimes just life....
Remember it’s only in the black of the night that you will see stars. And those stars will lead you back home and where you need to be.

You're never forever lost, although it may feel that way.
You've just lost your own way.
So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall on bruised knees, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.

I chose to look at the positive sides of things...
For instance, maybe you’ll get everything you wish for.
Maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined.
Who really ever knows where life is going to take you.

This road called life is a long one and in the end, the journey is your destination.

When you're here with me, there's really no other place I'd dream to be.
Wrap yourself up in me.
Peel back your mind.
Lower your walls for just a short period of time. Tell me all your secrets, hopes, and dreams.

Tell me all the good things about you and all the bad things too.
Your disappointments and your fears.

Then as your shoulders soften and lower, and you feel that heavy weight you usually carry fade...
Hug me a little tighter, and let me love every inch of you, filling all the holes of your insecurities and all the things you think you lack.

Maybe I'm just use to dysfunction.
Maybe you're to **** good to me.
You keep so much to yourself though.
Rip through me.

You come home and you're always nice..

If I'm being honest..
It all feels a bit too right..
When you come home, we play it safe..
Kiss, Kiss..
Something's missing..
Hit then miss..
Now I don't know what happens next..
Watch a movie, have some ***..
Never know what's going on inside that mind of yours.
I don't wanna start a fight with you.
but you walk the line with me and I  can't stay in the lines.

Go on..
Say it to my face, then.
I wanna feel something.
Get mad,
Do something,
Maybe start complaining.
Make me go insane, then.

Is this all we know?
Is it all we're use too?
Why does it feel as if somethings missing then.

Now this is just me venting.
So, however this may come across,
I love my best friend.
But sometimes I don't agree with the way you do things.

You may think that I don't know **** about life.
If I'm being honest that's how you always make me feel.
But you should know by now that I don't lie to my friends.
I don't care how much you may want me to tell you what you wanna hear.
I'm just not the one.

You may have not had real friends in your life.
And it's kinda sad that I have to do this...
But hi, I'm what a real loyal friend looks like.
Surprise!!!
I would never steer you the wrong way.

So I listen to all your concerns.
I listen to you vent.
I listen to you cry.
And when you have no options or ideas on how to change certain situations in your life.
I am there every single time supplying you with them.

And you have an excuse for every single thing I suggest.

So naturally...
I've grown upset.
Naturally I'm frustrated.
Naturally this has ****** me off.

You think you know best about everything, and if that were true I don't believe you'd actually be in the mess you're in.

So For the millionth and final time, let me tell you this...
You cannot just expect your life and your situation to change by ******* about it.
To get something different, you must do something different.
If you want your situation or your life to change then you need to be willing to do something you've never done.



But what the hell do I know.

My best dreams,
and my nightmares...
Always have the same people in them...



You.

He says,
"Do you love me?"
I tell him...
"Only partly, I only love my bed and my momma, I'm sorry.
I even got it tatted on me.

Out on the dance floor.
Flashing lights.
A tad intoxicated.
You always say you can't dance but here you are with me dancing by my side.

You pull me close as the beat drops.
I start moving my hips about.
Loving the feel of your hands on my body.
Pulling me against you as if you'd have your way with me right there.

Everyone around us fades as you turn me around bend down and kiss me.
You're so intoxicating.
The way you make me feel so alive is simply addicting.

You pull back and smile at me just happy to be with me.
I watch as you start silly white boy dancing in front of me.
No rhythm, outdated moves,
all because you know it'll make me laugh.
It was that very moment I fell for you.

To anyone with a broken heart...
If ever you find yourself on your bedroom floor at 3am with those uncontrollable tears running down your cheeks.
And you find that your fingertips are blistered from trying to claw yourself out of your own skin...
I want you to realize that love is only a verb.
It's going to hurt like hell, but realize just because he said he loved you, doesn't mean he ever actually did.
Love is much more than beautifully painted words.
Love is shown through actions.

So don't be ashamed of the way your heart dies and how you still may cry for him.
It's not giving him power over you.
Imagine it to be like a great flood washing away the old you.
Carefully...
sometimes even painfully,
Washing away all the wickedness, sorrow and pain he left behind.
Soon becoming forgotten..
A distant memory.

And you will become his biggest regret...
Once the realization set's in...
That he lost you..
And every attempt to find you in someone else will fail..
Because you won't be found.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said it perfectly.
"And in the end, we were all just humans.. drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokeness."

I can say without a doubt Fitzgerald  knew his fair share of love and love lost.

Just like me...
Loving you, was my greatest lesson.
As I learned that even though you are broken my love, as endless As it was for you... I could never heal your brokeness.

When do you think it happened to you?
As a little girl, when you were five?
Maybe even six or ten?

Well I was eleven when it happened to me.
I was first captured by the romantic gesture of the little mermaid and her prince rescuing her and living happily ever after. Then eyes glued I watched them getting married.
She's in that big beautiful dress and her hair and shoes are perfect.

Till this day I remember my eleven year old self saying to my mother, "I want that more than cookies and sugar."

Fast forward I'm 30 and divorced.
I confess, my heart is still that naive little girl.
That wished for a prince, to sweep her off her feet.
To save her from danger and keep her safe.
To love her to marry her and live happily ever after.

But instead I married a villain who took everything from me including my heart, and there's not much of me left.

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.
I'll never have the prince on a white horse, who saves me for wicked step sisters or that octopus crazed person.
I'll never wear that white dress or...
Or the shoes that match.

Silly me...
Who was I kidding.
Fairy tales don't exist.

I've known you since I was sixteen.
I remember our walks home, laughing about everything and anything.
You were my best friend.

I'll confess I never thought we'd be more than friends.
You've made that clear..
Once in the past.
But then you go and surprise me, with an unexpected kiss.
Its clique to say, but you simply took my breath away.

Feeling nothing but winters cold glow in my heart, for months..
All it took was the feel of your lips against mine, and like the sun you melted me away...



I'm conflicted...

My minds gone half crazy trying to figure out why you did it.
Why'd you cross that invisible line.
I wonder if it's worth me holding on.
I'd to hate walk away from you as if this never existed...
But what am I to think after you've gone and changed things between you and me.

I shouldn't feel this..
I'm a drunk mess.
But I shouldn't feel this.
Let's just hope I don't remember this.

Job offer from a high profile company I don't deserve this?
Do I? Im unsure I'd like some honest answers to this.

Why do I feel the urge to call you explain all of this..
Oh, that's right you never loved me you're not interested in knowing this.
I have to remember I was alone in all this.
You know..
Loving you investing in all this.
I guess my heart still wants to share all my happiness..
This much is true I guess..
I'm drunk on wine such a mess.
So I'll hide my phone till morning better judgement and all the reasons I will never call you..
Yes.

If nobody believed in love...
Why would anyone want to live?

Life is but a game they say.
You can use it to your advantage they say.

But I'd say that's just a lie.
Because no matter how hard I try I feel like I'm always going against the grain.
Picture the wind screaming and blowing as hard as it can, and I'm steady struggling against the winds hand.
Picture me trying to get to solid land, swimming and swimming against life's current.
Picture wave after wave crashing over you.
Slowly drowning your plans.
Diminishing your determination to succeed.
Crushing your courage to stand.
Bashing any hope you thought you had in you that would stand.

Its maddening.
It eats you away.
All you want to do is stand.
To succeed in this life and perhaps the next.

But then life throws its ugly head back and laughs.
Because its got bigger things planned to ruin all your ways to stand.

Maybe, just maybe,
you're going to be the one that saves me.

I just wanted to know you.
Even in the tiniest of measures.
In the most innocent of ways.
I just wanted to know you.

You made me laugh.
You lit me up like all the stars in the sky.
And although it was brief, and even though you may think this is corny,
You woke me up.
I felt there, captured in a moment.
You made me laugh.
And I hadn't in months.
I was in a daze it was too much.
But you shook me right up, right out of my depression coma.
And that is simply why I had to know you.

I thought for sure the day I stopped loving you, my heart would turn to stone.
But alas my heart is simply on fire.
No longer burning for you.
I just wish that I could set you on fire.
Or maybe just turn you into stone.
Decisions, decisions.

Oh insomnia,
Won't you go away.
Someone stop these thoughts.
That continously circle me.
It's true, I crave sleep.
So much more than you.

I wanna slip deep into a dream.
Where a faceless lover consumes me.
In a forest perhaps with nothing but green forest beauty, all around as far as the eye can see.
Where he lifts me up and brings me back down.
Where his lips graze mine in a unforgettable true loves kiss.
What a sap I am, always dreaming of such an unobtainable thing.

When I was a little girl..
I always believed that monsters slept underneath my bed.
As I've grown, I realized they were never sleeping under my bed.
They were actually sleeping in my head.

There are a million ways to die.
But only love can **** you and keep you alive, long enough for your insides to wither away slowly and then die.

Wine at my lips I listen to KillSwitch.
My curse was your song to me.
I blare it so **** loud my ears begin to bleed.

The lyrics circle me.
They lift me off this ***** floor.
Bringing me back to our memories.
Back to where our hands bared that wedding band. Back to a home of intoxicating kisses and a passion others only dreamed of.
Back down to where I felt at home...

******* it,
Why did I have to listen to this song.

People never change.
They just become more of who they really are.

There are still nights that despite my greatest of efforts,
The memories of you sneak out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

Sorry I'm late.
I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes, of not being here.

She didn't walk away because she didn't love you.
She didn't walk away because she was weak.

She walked away because she loved you so much, but she knew that she would lose herself and every bit of strength she had left fighting for you...

I saw the devil in my dreams last night.
It was terrifying but he was there.

He smiled at me, teeth sharp, dripping with nothing but lies and other people's torment.. I cant forget the dark fire glow of his eyes starring back at me.

I finally asked..
"what do you want from me?"

And with a snicker and a smile he finally says to me...

"How does it feel to be a punchline in your divorce?"

Everything around you quickly fades..
and,
as soon as you open your eyes and realize the truth behind those words...
all you can do is cry...
Cuz in this instance the devil wasn't telling a lie.

Stop setting yourself on fire for people who will sit back and watch you burn.

You'd never guess by the fake smile...
I wear during the day..
That there are still some nights..
That still linger with you not far behind..
Where my dreams are out of reach..
Where sleep is nothing...
but a hilarious joke..

So I stay up..
Wide eyed..
With nothing but time that's not even on my side..
  Where I have silent conversations with God...

I'm no longer mad at him...
For our brutal end...
No more blame lives in my veins...
He took my pain and set it to the side...

Everything of yours is gone...
Except for the last memory you left me with...
That still has the ability to haunt me from time to time...
Still so permanently stained in my mind..

Where you took me by the hand..
Where you pulled me close..
Where my body welcomed and followed..
Your every command just like each and every time..

When you pressed your lips against mine..
and I got swept up like the tide...
When I was so engulfed by your sea of lies...

So blinded by what you convinced me was real...
That our love was real...
That I never saw it coming...
That devastating blow by your own hand..
Where you took that knife..
You had been holding this entire time..
Waiting for just the right time..
To..
Shove it straight through me..
Turning and leaving me on a dime..


I'm sure you could imagine me...
A ****** mess clutching to my bleeding chest..
Drowning in a sea of sorrow you left Behind...
You know..
It's that exact moment..
Where your heart breaks in two..
You experience a pain even words... Could never fully explain..

It was there for me in that moment.. That I felt myself fading..
It was then, in that very moment..
When your thoughts become crazed and rationale cannot be found..
When you're about to give in to.. Anything that will stop the pain that is living inside...

Almost succumbing to my pain..
I closed my eyes...
I whispered to the only man I knew would understand me at the time...

God...
He was the only thing that saved me that day...

So..
If you ever get around to knowing him One day...
Ask him...
Ask him, how I really felt that day...

I can picture it now..
Forgiveness and understanding in his eyes..
As he says to you..
"She loved you in ways you'd never understand."
"She loved you to the best and fullest of her hearts ability."
"Watching you walk away to her, was like a repeat of each and every goodbye, but all at once."
"She fought hard, and fiercely for you.
"She gave more to you than you will ever know existed inside her."

Keep looking, you're never going to find me in someone else.

Maybe I got ahead of myself..
I fell asleep just now...
And I woke up and it was like you were right there..
In front of me..
Touching my lips with your fingertips.
Wiping a tear from my cheek.

I felt my body relax underneath your touch.
I felt my life's purpose come back into focus.
I saw us old and in rocking chairs.
Side by side, with lemonade in our glasses...

Your wrinkly hand in mine...

It was all right there..
Right there in front of me...
It was so real...

But it ended so fast..
Reality stripped me of a chance to  stay with you..
If only, it were in my dreams...
Even if it had been fake...
Seeing the blue of your eyes again..
Was like whiplash...
Jolting me back to life.
As if I'd been underwater this whole time and I had just come up for air...

As I drive home winter still falling and still heavy all around me.
I'm calm, collected, and happy.

I know there will be silence after I've greeted my whining dog so happy I made it home.

I'll watch a movie same as always.
Not boring at all.
I'll prepare a meal and eat happily alone.

A hot bath will come next.
Lined with candles and bubbles that last.
The smell of lavender will fill my nose and my eyes will soon close.
I'll indulge in the hot steaming water letting all my worries fade away.

Because after a long day whose to say being alone wasen't just what you needed.

I miss sleep.
I miss the peace that comes with it.
Erasing the day.
Running rapid in the world of my subconscious.
Those days seem so far away.

I find myself running on empty.
On pure fumes.
My thoughts are endless.
Bringing me to the cliffs of mania.
All my wants, needs, goals and things I want to accomplish keep me up until the sun peeks through my window pane.

I'm swimming in my own pool of exhaustion because my success hangs at my finger tips.

I find myself unable to shut it off.
The desire.
The passion, and determination that fuels me to wake up everyday.
But,
I am simply put, tired of running inside my head 24/7.


I want to slow down.
But my need to succeed wins again.
Overpowering my need to slow things down.

I wish you knew what it felt like to walk into a room, notice every color of every detail on every wall.
To hear every sound, even the unnoticeable fly that circles round.
The endless chatter of passing people.
The entrance doors that squeak when you walk through the door.
Knowing every exit to every room.
It drives me crazy to notice so much.
If only for just a moment I knew how to quiet the mind and drown out the sound.
The sound of life all around me..
And how crazy this all sounds.

You'd never get it..
Unless you were fed it..
Pointed fingers guilty again..

Constantly running away...
Even when its staring you in the face..
Now you're here, alone and you don't know why..
Under skinned knees and a bruised ego...
Confliction becomes you.

Passing all the places where her smile lightened your midnight sky...
You howl and but never listened...
But now you listen and wait, for the
Echoes of your angel who...
Wont return..

Left with nothing but the taste of regret in your mouth...
You feel empty, but don't know why..

So you wait for someone..
To put you back together..
Waiting...
For someone to push you away...
There's always another wound to discover...

You lost your angel..
But she means nothing to you..
You let her slip right on by...
You just sat tight...
And watched it all unwind..
Just like every other time...
Even though....
She's only what you've been asking for...
But that's right you'll be just fine..
With all of your smug time...
No big deal...
Even though..
She's only what you've been waiting for...

Regret seeps in..
Knocks you right off your feet..
Tears of fury seep down your cheeks.
Still so angry at all those angels That'll never return.

Foolish pride wins again..

Burning the wings of yet another angel who held your love.

Picture me..
Standing on a sandy beach..
Wind picks up my hair in a dance behind me...

Picture you..
Coming up behind me..
Wrapping those big arms around me..
Standing cheek to cheek...

Picture that...
Smile you love so much spread across my face..
Picture me snuggling my behind into you.


Picture this..
Seagulls, soaring above us..
waves crashing against rocks...

Picture...
the mist from the sea falling upon us...
Picture..
The sun setting..
Painting the sky with pinks and blues..
Dipping into the sea...
Letting night become new..

But don't forget to...
Picture me..
The girl that loves you..
And needs your love even if its just for this timeless moment..
Even if its just for a second..
On a sandy beach in Malibu..



Forever yours

I feel like I've fallen away into myself.
I crave distraction.
I'll take it willingly.
Give me two jobs to work.
I'll smile and say how bout three.
Give me romantic movies to
watch,
while I write poetry.

I don't care if you believe in me.
I'll show you what I'm made of times three.
Because I'll take anything that'll distract me from these thoughts.

Failure...
Defeat...
Worthless...
Mindless...

She's nobody worth saving.

Thats fine.
You'll see.
I don't need your boat to rescue me.
I'll swim to my own horizons.
Even if the waves carry me out to sea.

Your words will never cut me.
Or cause me misery.
Because I'm responsible for my own happiness.
Not the kind you tried to make for me.

As light crept into my bedroom window..
I slowly blinked my tired eyes open..
I instantly regretted waking up again without you..
I remembered that this time last year you were with me... In my arms and I remember feeling...
Whole... Complete...
Thanking the heavens for you...

But here I lie once again without you..
Wondering where you are...
And if you're thinking about me...


I wonder if my heart will ever forget to remember.....
That I can't remember to forget you....

You're crashin' into me like waves on the coast..
Its hard not to notice..
Its hard not to be swept up..
Every time we talk, you move in close
I don't want you stop..
I feel myself become so guarded..
But its hard not to be swept up...
We've got the last two glasses in this small dive bar..
Tryin' to remember where we are..
String of white christmas lights making your eyes shine tonight...

We're buzzing like that no vacancy sign out front...
Your presence is nothing short of electric...
I'm getting scared now..
As you take my hand in yours..
you lean in and...
Your lips taste like a whiskey day dream...

Happy drunks pass us down the hallway...
We fall against the door, we fall into a wild, hot, warm, kiss...

My body fights it but I just can't enough...
You've awakened something long...
I have forgot..
To afraid to feel..
With a heart that has long forgotten how to feel...

My head is spinning trying to figure out what's right...
Do I hold on to an old love thats been holding me down...
I can't seem to let go...
But your nowhere in sight...

Santa came early this year..
He brought me you...
He brought me Christmas..

How am I suppose to spend another Christmas without you?
Watch the snow fall gently without you?
Decorate a home filled with Christmas cheer without you?
Drink cider and make snicker Doodle cookies without you?

How am I supposed to enjoy my favorite time of year without you?

No mistletoe kisses.
No cuddles by candle light.
No seeing you in my onsie.
No holiday cheer.

I wrote Santa a letter this year...
Asking for something unobtainable..
It went unanswered...
Just as I figured.

So I'll drink egg nog by the fire.
Sing holiday songs.
Eat cookies with milk.
Enjoy snow flakes on my tongue.
I'll try to enjoy a little bit of Christmas even though you're not here.


I love you.

Why is that one day I want to hate you so much...
But then I find myself thinking about you and realize that could never be true..

Why did you have to be so cruel?
Why did you have to lie about everything?
Did you really think I'd never figure everything out?
Was nothing between us real...


Why couldn't you just love me?
Why couldn't you be the man I believed you could be?
Have you really no heart?
Have you really no realness to you?
Or will you always be out there with ulterior motives?

I can only pray that one day you realize the depth of my love and how real it was.
Despite your lies..
Despite your actions..
Despite your other plans that never included me..

I only wanted to be apart of your life..
The light in your life...
But you never gave me that chance...
Or perhaps as I've thought about it..
Maybe it wasen't up to chances because as it were...
I was never one...

Maybe you'll find someone you actually love someday..
And I hope you choose her and keep choosing her until your final breath on this earth...
That's love..
And That's how I felt about you...
It was always you I chose...