every time I wake up
I pull the covers over my head
and try not to let the tears fill my eyes
every time

sometimes I'll pile things on the side of my bed
so while I'm sleeping
for a second I think you're there
and I smile

I sit in my bed waiting
for a miracle
like a Disney princess movie
and I think I can hear your car pull up
and the door opens

I hope that I'll see your big smile walk in
and your beautiful face
I pray that I'll wrap my body around you
and cry tears of joy

I've imagined this sequence in my head
thousands
of times

There is a lump in my throat that won't go away
a pain in my heart that hurts more every day
a hole in my chest that is bigger now
a constant bad vibe away from breaking down

I miss when I didn't get sleep
because you snored too much
I miss when I could snuggle up
and you would wrap your arms around my body

You made me feel so itty bitty
I felt so protected

I even miss when I was kiss your cheek
and just so happen to kiss precisely where your drool was

I miss when I would kiss you on the lips
and you would respond in your sleep
with a delayed smooch to the air

I miss the most the every day I love you's
and the looks you gave me
for no reason at all

I miss the perfect body pillow
that was all mine

I miss your series of laughs
I miss your singing in the morning
that I would fall asleep to

I miss you
I miss us

Why did I have to ******* ruin everything

the worst lie i ever told you
was that i didn't love you
and the worst lie i told myself

is that i can get you back
because i don't know for sure

and i am terrified
and angry
SO SO ANGRY

that's why i cut myself
because the pain i felt inside
didn't reflect

so it made me feel less crazy

ha

a person cutting themselves to feel less crazy

ha

if there was a series of words that I could say
to put you back into my arms
to rewind to the week before our year
i would say them
tattoo them
all over my body

but all i can say
is i am sorry
with tears streaming down my face
i am so so so ******* sorry
so ******* sorry

I think you're afraid
  **** man

I mean you're 17 and you might go to jail
   I would be afraid too!!
to be honest I think I would have killed myself by now
   but maybe for you that's scarier...

I didn't mean for it to turn into a fight
   Ya know?
   dude?
   hah

this depression I feel
I don't want it
I never wanted it
I want to stab the ******* demon inside me
that has me trapped
in this little *** cage, in my chest

and I'm trying !!
so hard !!

we haven't talked as much lately

I think you're afraid
   I'm afraid too.
   every day.

maybe not from the Feds
but from my own two hands
because I woke up with scabs all over my legs
and blood underneath my nails
when I thought that I was ok

every day a bar of this cage is broken
every day it is like I am gifted a new weapon from my subconscious

because whoever is together in my head
whether I'm crazy or not
     we are a team
     we are an army

     and we will fight and we will NOT
     let the depression win

so the day that we (I) beat it
hopefully I have more money
and more time
and more direction

because **** dude
DUDE

maybe I'll find you
so I can apologize like a human

instead of a try-hard wanna be
poet on the Internet

I miss you
I wish you the best
I wish I believed in a God
but **** I might still pray for you

you're still a beautiful person to me
and always will be

Your bro,
      Shauna

there is a reason
passionate men fall in love with you

men
who felt nothing

there is a reason
everyone remembers you

there is a reason
everyone loves you

and those who hate you
envy you

find that reason

hold onto it

and for Christ's sake never let it go

if everything you did affected me
why should it stop now

when i wake up with you one second in my arms
wondering if it really isn't a dream

only to see more recognition
for those you talk **** about
who don't "know" you

but "i do"
i'm the "only one who really knows" [you]

i don't know what i was thinking
falling for a kid with a broken heart
and broken mind
thinking we could fix it together

when every time i think of his dark chocolate skin
and illuminating smile
i just see his demeaning comments towards women

i probably should have questioned
when you walked in on that girl ******* him
why you didn't wanna **** me instead

you don't know how to make love do you?
ah what a shame

such a waste

of 351 days

351 days
of wishing
for you
to open up to me

351 days
it took
for me to lose myself
and lose you
too

ha
but did i ever really have you?

i thought you were brave
like me

i thought that we were both sick
but yours is different

you're not sick
you're a coward

anyone who hides behind an internet personality
and sleeps in my bed

is not fit for me.

This boy tells you he loves you?
***** you?
Confesses to you?

but talks about those fat ***** on the internet huh

sounds like that boy is confused

sounds like that boy made the biggest mistake of his life

if he doesn't fight for you
he's not worth fighting for

I wish I had a typewriter
because I feel like my works
would have more meaning

every poem I write about You
is a piece of my heart
and soul
if we have those

because when I hurt
I think of Your big
goofy
smile

and I smile

as much as I want to be the reason
for your happiness
and the mother
who holds your child
I can't

not for sure

You see...
love isn't a selfish act
if you love someone
set them free

so I set You free
but I will never let You go
because I don't want my future
any other way
but with You in it

the worst part
of it all
is that
you're already gone

and I won't accept it

ever

if I spend my entire life
chasing after you
to be with you
only to find out it was a mistake

it will have been the best mistake I ever made

you stood at the door
   1       2     3    4      5
but you had al-rea-dy
   6     7     8    9   10  11
left me and you al-one
12  13   14    15   16 17

how can hands cra-dle my
  1       2      3        4     5    6
life-less corpse that died long
7      8       9        10     11    12
be-fore I rem-em-ber
13   14 15 16   17   18

feeling whole wasn't an option

There's been empty spaces
in me since I can remember

I thought you were going to
   fill them?

Why are you telling me to
   snap out of it?

I'm sorry I'm sick
I'm sorry I'm sick

I feel everything dying
within

I let you in, you tore
through my life with a
machete and my heart had
the brunt of it all

I don't hear it beating anymore

  Is this the afterlife?

Can't be
I've been in hell

But you are lucifer and
  you persuaded me to "heaven"

"heaven" filled with silent episodes
and meaningless ***

I clawed my way out
to release you

and then you pushed me
into my well

there is a flood here
The water is rising me to the surface

but I can't hold my breath
for very long

you sink your ship

find your good and save
me from yourself

your eyes like black holes

i'm looking into them but
you've left me already

I want to save the ship
in your head
but my arms can only hold
so many buckets
and xanax serves as cannon *****

I can't swim
this must be a dream

I can't swim

I'm sinking with your ship

but I can't be the captain

not again

I never thought it would be me again

h    e    a    r     t    b   r    e    a    k    e    r

i've been torn

to pieces
itty
bitty
         p    i    e    c    e    s

I never thought I would be

the evil

I just wanted to be happy!!
is that bad?
don't I deserve that?
why am I guilty?

I didn't do anything wrong
why is it wrong to be happy

I just need to find happy
where is happy

I've lost happy

I've lost happy

How did I lose Happy?

you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave
you said you would never leave

if  you looked at me as your life

did it ever dawn on you

to treat me better than you treated yourself

because had you really treated me such

i wouldn't be writing poems at 8 am

wide awake with sadness

it's rather terrifying
   how i can be ok one minute

then write a poem about you
  and want to pull the shard of mirror
     up my arm
       deep in my flesh
         and hope that the next life we may run into each other again

don't you ******* get it?!
we could have done it
we were so close

so in love

you ******* left me
YOU ******* LEFT

yet you were there all along

we could try it all again
but there is no ******* way

because the thought of touching you
reminds me of so much saddness

that i would ******* **** myself
if i ever felt that way again

we almost ******* made it
almost ******* made it

the most heartbreaking thing of all is that I watched myself fall apart

I looked in the mirror and slowly didn't recognize this sad girl
and I couldn't find myself
the monsters in my head kidnapped me
I wanted you to save me
so bad

but I felt you forgetting me
forgetting us
so I stayed kidnapped
and slept

you got mad
because I needed to get out of bed
but when I say "I can't" why don't you understand the cry for help

even though the pain is in my head
doesn't mean it isn't real to me

so when I see you smiling and singing
when I always wanted you to sing to me

but by the time I would wake up from the late night of fighting demons
you had already left
your body remained
so you thought with it

I felt like a *****
my boyfriend had his fingers in me and around my neck
while I held my head in my hands pleading for the bad thoughts to go away
you would hit your head too if it felt like it was poisoning your life

you made me feel like I was crazy
and I think I might be

that's what I'm so afraid of
because the monsters that kidnapped me

were me

I was so sad
I was so
*******
sad

and all I needed was you there
well you were there

but not really

you say you forgive me
but how am i supposed to forgive you

I feel like little people in my heart
are cutting it apart
tying ropes to my heart strings and pulling as a team

because I was so ******* sad
I just needed you there
I couldn't get out of bed
and you got frusterated
blamed my ******* meds
called my mom

when I JUST NEEDED YOU
I JUST ******* NEEDED YOU
AND NOW YOU'RE THERE
FOR EVERYONE ELSE
AND YOURSELF

and not for me
not for me

why couldn't you have been there for me

I was so sad for so long

and now you're alive


and I am dead

everything someone finds beautiful about me
is untrue

in my eyes at least

Earl says he wants to **** the freckles off my face
but in reality its skin damage which seems to have engulfed the human race
with these girls sitting in sun ovens
coming out smelling like a burnt person

why is it in the 5th grade boys didn't like my freckles
and now the internet is obsessed with something i hated about myself

why is it that all of my pain turns into someone's romantic story

having a good memory isn't all it's cracked up to be
yes i can remember most wifi passwords i've entered
every lyric to a song that i've heard more than 5 times
quotes in movies after hearing them once
secrets people told me in the 2nd grade
throwing a flower into the casket of my late grandfather

yes yes i remember all of these pointless facts
maybe i'm good at winning arguments
but in reality i use all of this clutter
to cover up what i really want to hide
not from you
but myself
because some things we cannot forgive
no matter what we learn over time

us humans have trouble forgetting

and then this depression i feel every day
holding me in bed
i feel like i'm trapped in the warmth
because when i get up all i expect is disappointment
and sadness

do you have any idea what that even feels like?
you post all of these stupid depression quotes

but in reality i don't think you understand
because if you were REALLY depressed

you wouldn't want anyone to know you're hurting
no one could understand the hole in your chest that isn't there
the constant sickness that shows no symptoms

and the idea that you can just "get up and get over it"

there is NOTHING romantic about thinking about JERKING the wheel
there is nothing POETIC about wondering how much pain you would feel
if you cut up the stream, not across the river

there is nothing beautiful about mental illness
and no one will understand that

unless they find the day
where they're laying in bed
and they would rather dream of flying
and casting spells on our enemies
maybe saving a whole litter of puppies
in their dreams

where in reality its 3:30 pm and you've been asleep for 14 hours

but that doesn't matter does it?
because in this fake dream i feel better than my real life

i never understood smoking
held my breath around the aroma
said "Smoking *****" to an electronic pack of cigs

I saw the chemicals in the black light
I went to the funeral of my grandfather
death by lung cancer

But you see I think smokers don't care
they're aware of the 10 minutes off of their life
the poison
the WARNING packaging

but 10 minutes off of my life
i don't care

I'm too afraid to cut myself
but a burning cig in my lungs is good enough for now

I sensed I was forgetting something
possibly school work or I left something on

I figured I should go on the internet and see who's birthdays i forgot about

and it was yours

Today is your birthday
I forgot your birthday

I didn't know that something so small could bring me so much
relief
joy

this means that I finally am over you
a calender of your life is no longer singed in my brain
i can't feel the rough creases of your hands on my skin anymore

your lips in my head are just another one on my flirty list
and your boisterous laugh is a distant echo that I can't make out

I thought I loved you
But I was in love with the idea of you
I was in love with your potential

but it is known that nothing flourished
and now that the false love has died in my head

it will also die in my heart

this is how we fall out of love

its a very slow build up
almost unnoticeable

throughout the day you feel off
it seems like you're putting more effort into everything
mentally that is

everything just seems harder
it not difficult
but there isn't any will

you notice you're faking a laugh
and staring off into space

and then it'll hit you

the smallest thing triggers it

maybe breaking a plate
cancelled plans
burning your finger

but sometimes there isn't a trigger at all
it's a tsunami tide that fills your whole body
and you wish you could push the sad away

but it claws its way into your heart
and muffles your brain

nothing is connecting
and all you can focus on
is the sadness
that is overwhelming you

crippling you into a ball on your bedroom floor

shaking your body in the shower

a sadness that you didn't see coming

because
you
don't
know
why

why you can't stop crying
why you're so sad
why your brain won't just work right!!

WHY can't I be happy?
why do I have to put an effort into being happy?

and for a second you understand suicide
because you could stop all of it

for good

i don't know if my mom doesn't know how to be a mother
or maybe doesn't know how to mother me

because she was the first
to tell me i needed to change
instead of telling me to be who i am

i wish she looked at my poetry
and saw how much people enjoyed it
what it brought out in others
whether it be pain
or a laugh

the fact that i can make people feel
with words

but instead it's a sad call for help
a mentally unstable act

i've had countless tell me they were beautiful
that I
was beautiful

and to this day
my mother only says it
when she's drunk or crying

and i still don't believe it

for the first time
since i was 11
i look in the mirror
and i actually like whats staring back at me

i don't know why it took so long to regain
the feeling of self love
and being content with less makeup
or none
in the mirror

i wish i know what could have happened
when i started looking at my little 11 year old body
and thought i was overweight

Oh my god i'm 75 pounds?! i remember thinking

I could blame my mom
or the boys who paraded naked pictures of me
criticizing my changing body in its early stages

i was made fun of for having supple *******
the first girl in my 4th grade class to wear a padded bra

i hated it
every second of my changing body

i started to get curves
and was known for having a "big ****"

and this "best friend" of mine told me she was glad she didn't have one

a boyfriend shot me down
"you can't leave me because no one will want you"

mother and step dad made fat jokes when i was 14
because i'm not obsessive compulsive with my diet

now i look in the mirror and i'm so happy
i love every curve from my arms to my ankles

and my dark brown eyes stare deep into you don't they?
grandma wasn't kidding when she said people would pay
THOUSANDS!! for these lips
and this square jawline has it's perks

i used to get paranoid when people stared at me
until i caught someone
and they told me i was beautiful

i'm so sorry mom
that he did that to you
and that he's doing it to me

you deserved the world
but it was taken from beneath you
an all-star athlete
with a bright future
descended into drugs
and most importantly love

with an abused child
that grew into a hard edged man
who drank to much
and left without answers

this man we both love
but understand he will not change
he has a sickness
that will never be treated

this man we all love
has so much love
is so pure
yet was forced to be a man
at a young age of toy cars and bicycles

i feel so sorry for him
didn't graduate high school
drank at the age of 13
only to continue bad habits
his father spread to him

such a beautiful soul
that will be forever lost

i am so grateful mom

that you took me from this evil
the evil he didn't mean to create

maybe it hasn't been perfect but it's better than it would have been
away from the drugs
and the *****
and the band

you got your life together

i should understand
that maybe you don't understand
that I'm okay with my body
and i like having curves

Like we accept father for who he is
how he will never change
i should do the same with you

although this life hasn't been "perfect"
i'm still on the way to get a bachelors degree
thanks to you mom

thanks for reading me books
going to all the track meets
and letting me break down in your arms

it ****** me off when you criticize my body
and my clothing choice

but thank you mom
for not dropping into the darkness
and taking me with you

i don't completely understand alcohol
why it brings out this goofiness
and this emotion from me


why do i pour everything out
and feel comfortable with complete strangers

why can't i be like this sober
why do i feel i am judged by everyone i meet
and encounter

there are so many beautiful people
with so many beautiful pasts

yet i am so afraid to show them mine
because there are dark secrets
that even i keep from my lover

for i do not want someone to judge me
for my "sins" i have committed

i am trying so hard to be good again
that i let my young past poison everything

i am afraid of wrong-doers
and imperfect people

because i know that i **** up too
and i'm too afraid of someone hitting me again

i will not let 1 fist touch my porcelain skin
for it is both pale and fragile

the visible veins not only carry the life within me
but carry secrets that i have told no one

and i'm sorry
but i have no time to deal with people like me
because no one should deal with people like me

i lay down and the smell is in the air
i search for it
your scent

possibly amongst the pillows

but i can't pinpoint it

it fills me
maybe like a heroine addicts drug
on the contrary feels like the breaking seal of a water vein

everything explodes within me

all of my thoughts of you
my moans of your name
hand caressing my body

walking downtown
and your hardships

i can't believe
the simple scent
of the man i love
can bring so much out of me
that i can't fall asleep

I want to shout out my love
tell everyone about your wide smile
and boisterous laugh

how you shiver when you yawn
that you have a beautiful singing voice

but i can't
every time I try to explain at all
tied tongue
lost for words

because you are this great thing
and i have so much love
i can't even explain the feeling

my heart is pouring this feeling through my veins
this contentment multiplied by infinity

I want you to be the one
who makes me feel like i can move mountains
and do anything

You? this wonderful thing
believes in
me?

like really believes in me

so maybe
i can too

Why mom?
Why is it that I always have to rebuild my confidence when i'm around you

Mothers are supposed to empower their daughters
and help them to love themselves for who they are

I shouldn't be hearing that my favorite clothes are unflattering
or that you're giving me "constructive criticism" on my makeup

Why do you always ask me first when i worked out last
or if i've lost weight

why is it that i have to ask my boyfriend to pump up my self esteem
because i think i'm overweight

why do i have to convince myself that i'm beautiful
when deep down i still don't really believe it

Most of all why are you trying to morph me into this woman like you

I don't want your "modern" *******
and my **** is big and fat
men love it and so do i

so **** your modern clothes
I'm wearing high waisted shorts

because my *** looks fan-*******-tastic

i shouldn't have been 10 years old when you forgot me on thanksgiving
i shouldn't have been afraid of you coming onto me
i shouldn't have told you in the 8th grade that it was me or alcohol
i shouldn't worry when you have 1 beer
i shouldn't have been told you had a coke problem when I was 15
i shouldn't blame my mom for cheating on you
i shouldn't worry about you breaking glasses
i shouldn't be embarrassed to introduce you to my boyfriend
i shouldn't cry
grandma shouldn't say that i have to accept it
i shouldn't worry about you hurting the dogs
i shouldn't get sad when you ask me the same question 3 times
4 times
5 times
i shouldn't be afraid to have a drink with friends
i shouldn't worry if i'm turning into you
i shouldn't ask myself at 19 years old if i'm going to be an alcoholic
mom shouldn't say i'm my father's daughter
i shouldn't wonder why you can't choose me over the bottle
i shouldn't blame myself

you shouldn't do this to me
i'm "your girl"
your daughter

put down the ******* ***** dad you're drunk at 12 pm

there is someone that will always be your "hopeful second chance"
the one that got away
broke your heart
without even lifting a finger

these are the people we need to stay away from
because just because it was love didn't mean it was meant to be

just because he gave you a feeling in your chest that felt like the burring of 1,000 suns doesn't mean the two of you should be together

you need to remember how he wasn't there for you
both emotionally and physically

so please don't let a past love that broke you
break you again

let the love you have now flourish your soul
and turn you into the person you've always wanted to be

hold onto the love that makes you feel like you can change the world
love the man that loves you with the burning of 1,000 suns

i always complain i want to be smaller

but by smaller i didn't mean clutching my knees
and rocking back and forth
with anger in my hands
and hot blood in my veins
tears in my hair
and scratches on my calves

filled with so much anger and rage that it crippled me to the ground
making me sob with frustration
i feel so small
weak
fragile

the wind could ******* away if i let it

maybe i will

late night poetry is never something good
it is either about a boy
something you never got over

being in love hurts yes

but hurt late at night shouldn't be so misunderstood

Hurt shouldn't be the constant nagging question why I care so much for people who destroy me

including my father's alcohol problem
and the constant nag to meet up to my mothers expectations

I shouldn't have to question myself as to why i feel so much
and try so hard
to make sure everyone is happy around me

Even if in the end they're the reason tears won't stop rushing down my dry winter cheeks
and why by body shakes in tremors from the emotions i keep pent within me

I wish I could shut them all off for good
not just for my friends, family, lovers, etc.

Being alone is the worst
at that time I would rather have no emotions at all

that night you tried to get back in
wanted to wiggle back into my life

did it make you upset?
were you surprised?

Yes, I'm actually making it by without you

spooning on a couch won't make up for lost time
I already tried so hard to win your heart
dove my way into your emotions
forgetting about myself

but past poems show that didn't work
I was filled with heartache for so long
and you were where I suspected

no where to be found

But
I ended up okay

So please

I had to forget your dark eyes
and the obnoxious giggle

I poured myself into stanzas
hoping for some release

but poetry didn't save me in the end

I did

and for now

instead of wiggling your way back in

maybe you should forget too

i'm still startled when asked about you
memories jump backward
i go back into that odd state of mind i had

everything was enveloped by my feelings for you
it was crippling

but i still tap back into those emotions

my chest ached from the pain
my head constantly cloudy with confusion

but I knew that i loved you
and at that moment, it was all i needed

****

get out of my head

when we're younger we feen for love
we crave something we've never felt before
hence why I was obsessed with Twilight novels
and cried during every Nicholas Sparks film

this is when we're barely growing *******
and boys are fascinated by bras and thongs
only later to love what is underneath them

we get older and experience grows
we eventually fall in love
maybe once
or maybe a hundred times

and every time it happens
it just gets harder and harder

we all let that one person in
they see all of our dark crevices
you parade the skeletons in your closet

and for a moment
sometimes longer
we think that this might be that person

but things get shaky
and we say things we don't mean

some of them move across the country
and others escape inside themselves

the ones we love are not always lovable
or they don't love us back

we build this thick skin
we hide behind drugs and alcohol
and we get too ****** up to remember when he held you in the middle of that field

we build up these hard walls on the outside
only because we are afraid to admit our innards are mush
and we can't take anymore heartbreak

because we gave ourselves to them
every achy memory
and they held us there
as we sobbed
and screamed
and punched away our demons

so now we are all afraid to love
because the purest thing we ever did feel
turned its back on us

love morphed into a demon within us
revealing its ****** teeth that were plunged into our hearts

we tell ourselves that we will never love again
for it hurts too much
and we are all too broken for anyone to love us again

that reassurance he gave you
disappears
it does not matter what he told you in that early morning shower
or how the warmth of your bodies came together in a foggy car

that is all the past
no matter how we reminisce we cannot get the love back
the purest of it has left us

so why is it when playing the field, we become so scared and insecure?
putting up this confident, independent front
where in reality we're praying for your acceptance?

women read loud magazines with advice columns
because we can't get the one on ourselves anymore
we're too insecure
and advice columns from a loud magazine somehow fit all of our situations

those bright words in that loud magazine can't fix the emptiness he left you with
when all you wanted was to be loved
and he couldn't give you enough of him

because he was broken too.

Sometimes those loud magazines are right
only the instance when they tell you to "be yourself"

it worked the first time didn't it?
a questionnaire in Cosmopolitan didn't tell you how to act that summer
your tactics from Manthropology 101 didn't get him to sit by you

it was your smile and the up turn of your eyes that made him fall in love with you
the sunshine in your hair and the freckles on your shoulders

he might have went away, but only for the fear of getting hurt like we all have
it wasn't you the second time around
one day you will need to accept that

So just be yourself
because that boy staring across the way at you
he isn't interested in your flirty planned out text messages
or the new lip stain that Glamour's guy panel has raved about

it's the blushing in your cheeks,
and that contagious smile
that got them all before.

So why stop that feeling again,
although you're scared to love,
why stop something that made you feel so complete before?

If he can give you butterflies again, an old self would call you foolish,
foolish for not taking your chance on the nice guy at the center.

*"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."
- Peter McWilliams

there's that one person
either you met them or you'll meet them
either you're with them you will be or they're the one that got away

but when you first saw them you held glances
sometimes looking away and feeling silly
other times holding it
just to see how long until someone got too bashful

and when that person smiles at you?
wow
just wow

i feel weird that i've moved on
because i never thought i would
i remember preaching to you how i'd never be over you
just crying and crying every night

and walking around in a daze because you weren't mine
now that i don't want you
or anyone for that matter
i don't know what to do

i've lived my life for someone else through it all
just wanted that one person who wants me
and i did everything to make them happy

but now that i don't have that person
i have to make me happy

i don't know how to make me happy

I've been over you for some time
you enter my mind less often

I find your dark features among strangers
but I still have to find a laugh as perfect

The void you left has been filled with
new friends
drunk nights
and drugs

I still find myself wondering
what we could have been
should have been

"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
which I always refused to believe
and still will

At least I understand now
that you are not ready
for us
or anyone for that matter

"You deserve someone who can treat you like a princess."
because there is something deep down
that you cannot escape

It engulfs your emotions
and suffocates your dreams

I used to dig and dig
try to find it
**** it
and save you

Instead I almost ended up killing myself

because I knew of the love
I felt the love

the energy was there at 3 in the morning
in that empty parking lot
when we looked into one another
and smiled in the silence

when you giggled to yourself and looked at me
and held me in your arms
because you felt "so lucky"

The energy always stays
you can only tuck it away for so long

That energy is when I get a message from you late at night
or the spontaneous phone calls

It just hurts me

because one day you'll realize its not gone
it never left

**but I have

it just gets really hard
you know?

i'm a ***** college student
and a hopeless romantic

they tend to bob and weave too much

i want you to pull my hair
BUT i want you to kiss me softly
i want to drunkenly make out with you
text me back first though i'm too scared

it all doesn't help
when my intoxicated alter ego is a temptress
and i turn into bashful the dwarf in real life

it makes things really quite hard

it's hard finding someone new
because not only do you have to find that feeling again
but someone has to have that feeling back

they need to look at me how you did
their eyes need to smile
and their hands need to be perfect like yours

because you were the one who loved how i looked when i woke up
and before i went to bed
even after the long rough days

you were the one who loved me in baggy t shirts
and kissed me when i took my makeup off in the shower

you were the one who left flowers in my car
and spelt our love on a fence

why find someone new?
because we were so young
and so was our love

and although young love may be the purest
and the strongest

it is the shortest

because we change so fast when we live for the nights
and yearn for our futures

when in reality
the good ole days are now

when i find myself with no motivation there's always a source
it's never just because i'm lazy,
or because it's too hard.

something is always hurting me inside and i can't do anything else

and it's you.

I don't know what to do because we will never be together
I've admitted it to myself and I can't believe it
I never believed anything you said because it didn't make sense

You don't want me?
But I don't understand.

I love you so much
more than the stars in the woods
more than any high i've ever felt
and i will take such good care of you.

I will spend every day trying to make you happy
and that will be okay because your smile is what fills my heart with that joy
that joy that can't be measured.

That feeling from so far and deep inside my chest that I can't even put it into words

But I love you so much
You don't want me?
I will never understand.

I met you, and I saw you
but I didn't really see you.

I see you, and you see me
I'm not used to this feeling.

We've talked, and shared
why haven't you shared it all?

You listen so well, you understand
but I'm so afraid.

These feelings I have, what are they?
I only have them for you.

These feelings I have, what are they?
I only have them for you.

I need you, you make me happy
spend time with me.

I love being with you, but I'm scared
I can't get hurt again.

I don't understand, you said you felt the same
what have I done wrong?

You're perfect, I just can't do it
please you deserve better than me.

I can't take it, I'm leaving
going far away.

Please don't leave, I need to see you
but I'm too scared to tell you.

I love you so much, I miss you already
but you cannot know.

You left, I feel empty
I don't know what to do.

Goodbye. I love you.
I'll always love you.

*Goodbye. I love you.
I'll always love you.

I read poems to get inspiration
in reality they just make me think of you

When I talk about you I don't know what to say
there isn't a distinct thing I can call you

I could say "my friend"
but you mean so much more to me than that

It takes more than a friend to make me feel the way you did
I would never kiss a friend the way that I kissed you
any other person I wouldn't excuse for your shy attitude
for you I accepted the romantic inexperience.

Despite all of my feelings
and the yearning to be with you

I can't even say that we had something
because before anything could blossom
you became afraid.

I guess I can't really blame you.

There is nothing more terrifying than putting yourself out there for someone.
No matter who they may be.

Nevertheless I would have protected you
and I still will now.

it bothers me how i can't take compliments
and i'm really confused

because it's not that i don't agree with them
"thank you I like my tattoo too"
"thank you I think I have a pretty smile too"

i think that i'm pretty
and i think that i'm cool
and nice

but for some reason when someone else says it,
I immediately wonder what they're up to

what's your angle man?

because i haven't been around someone sincere in a while
and i doubt that you're going to start it

you're much too attractive to be genuine
no one is perfect

well i take that back
one person is perfect

but he isn't around anymore
at least i pretend he's not