Anywhere is false

It is only a figment

Of adolescence

There are winners, then there are the ones hoping to win,
I'm not talkin bout a race,
I'm talkin bout our fight on sin.

Sure I'm talking religiously
I feel the need to talk rather
freely.
So let me hit you with a couple of lines,
and see the word "Humanity" and how the people defines
humanity.

Humanity is a collective, a race altogether,
how are we together,
we we hurt one another?
We've got children dying in the streets,
tired, hungry and poor,
they don't even need to be in streets,
but behind closed
doors!

Where's our humanity,
when we need it the most,
or is it just imagination,
a figment of a
ghost?

Humanity is defined as the actions that we do,
like the golden rule, treat me,
how I treat
you.
Well I can treat you all sorts of nasty,
does that mean you have to get me back,
when I turn around, are you on the attack?

Humanity is both, and neither these things,
it's the person here, and alive, with a different song to sing.
Each person, is conscious of thought
and is freely able to defend themselves, with everything they got.

But here's the kicker,
when humanity steps in,
we're all confronted with
our own little sin.

How do we defeat an enemy so plain and clear,
when the only enemy
is ourselves
ourselves that we fear?

We go to seminars,
we read books for inspiration and relief,
trying to mask the pain
replacing pain and sorrow,
with mask of joy for a moment so brief.

We'll hope someone else,
is there to pull our weight,
when we really need to do is first
step right through the gate.

Yes we can, and should rely on others,
but don't expect our new found friends, to treat us better than our mothers.
The burden of this world, is shared upon us all,
but should we relax and not do our solemn duties to each other,
then together we shall fall.

So upward humanity!
Rise and face the coming day!
We've got too many problems,
let us go and not delay!
We can't fight them all,
but one by one we'll make them fall,
give me time, I'll show you reason,
I'll fight every day of every season.

Humanity have faith! In God and His Son!
Have faith in our Savior, and the War is already won!
Humanity, lean! Together shoulder to shoulder we stand!
We don't want world peace,
but some peace is all we demand!

Where the world is struck by war, disease and famine too,
it almost seems like there,
is very little we can do.

But fear not, my dear Humanity,
worry for us no more,
we've got so much fight left in us,
give us time enough to show that devil his way
our the door.

Humanity, don't give up, on us we do ask,
to fight the good fight, to help us complete our task.

I'm bound to humanity, for the simple sake of love,
Because I've been so commanded,
by my God up Above.

Humanity, hold on,
the Calvary is on its way,
so hold your ground Humanity,
I say hold your ground this day.

Maybe the “us, back together” will always remain a mere product of mental invention, and our memories remain a history. Maybe we’re just a lesson and an experience of the past, and the piece of you that I held for so long, is a fragment of my heart. The taste of your lips, the smell of your skin and breath are just stains living on my veins. The warmth of your touch and body on mine and your breath on my neck are slumbering underneath of my bed where I could only search them, and the only way to hear you, is to listen to the sound of your voice reverberating in my head. Maybe the “our existence” is now just an old image of four seasons, most especially, the raining season, where we have so many memories that couldn’t replace with anything. Maybe I need to stop breathing you, because there’s nothing I could breathe in, instead of the painful repetition that suffocating me, but I knew I couldn’t breathe you out, however, maybe I need the “us back together” to sleep forever with the anticipation of them not waking up. Maybe “us” is really now just behind the present, and probably, has no existence in the future like a history never repeats itself. Maybe I’m the one who needs to wake up and not the “us, back together” because it is just a figment of my imagination.

The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe my trauma.
Too young to understand what happened, young enough to let it determine the course of my future relationships.
Consent wasn’t part of my vocabulary until I was an adult.
Coercion, drugs, NO...
If I speak these words into the universe, the actions become real, not a figment of my memory.
The trauma of being called a ****, a *****, “giving it up” too soon.
Feeling like a chewed piece of gum, tape that lost its stick, a crumpled piece of paper.
No one wants you if you’ve been used.
An experience for one in five women, yet still taboo.

The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe my queer identity.
Queer and trans but passing as female…
I’ll never “pass” as nonbinary because society sees nothing but male or female.
The struggle of questioning my gender, binding my chest, compressing on my lungs to force out the female.
The hourglass figure with the ******* and fat ***, thick thighs and that extra baby fat;
Female body down to the ******, but without the identity.
The pain of being called a ****, a ******, a “what’s between your legs?”,
having your body scrutinized, looking for your true identity.
Even in the trans community, there’s still a binary.

The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe a better future for us survivors.
The world I want is one where victims aren’t dismissed,
one where perpetrators are held accountable.
A college calendar isn’t proof of where he was that one night.
A president can’t just grab me by the *****.
A college ******’s swim career isn’t ruined because he “made a mistake.”

A radical thought would be to punish white men for their crimes.
I imagine a world where women and survivors don’t have to live with trauma,
don’t have to sit in court and face their perpetrator,
don’t have to relive their experience.
I imagine a world where male survivors aren’t ignored,
one where bisexual women aren’t more likely to experience ****** violence,
one where false accusations aren’t more of a concern than actual assault.

The words I don’t yet have are ones to describe a better future for queers.
The world I want is one where we can feel safe just for existing.
Activism doesn’t stop at marriage equality.
Bisexuality isn’t just “pick a side.”
Transgender people don’t need to disclose about their ****, *****, or other.

A radical thought would be to stop murdering black trans women.
I imagine a world where children are taught about the fluidity of sexuality and gender in school.
A world where parents don’t render their children homeless when they come out.
One where the closet is a place for your clothes, not a place to hide.
I imagine a world where your sexuality isn’t illegal,
where corporations don’t leech onto Pride for advertisement.

The words I don’t yet have are on the tip of my tongue,
but won’t cascade out of my mouth.
These words aren’t as free flowing as a waterfall,
but they’re as stagnant as a polluted lake.
Stuck in my throat, poisoning me,
until one day I scream them out into the void.

General Note:
This is an autobiographical poem, given here in seven parts for reading convenience, which mentions some personal events of my life and the names of a few spiritual masters that I have read and studied a good deal about, the main ones being Paramahansa Yogananda and Meher Baba; the latter I have also written about in two other poems titled: #1 “The Highest Of The High” and #2 “The Universal Divine Plan” which are also posted on this website.*

Part 1
Even as a little child I do now recall
You often would respond to my call.
And whenever I was filled with sorrow
about certain things feared of tomorrow
You would comfort me in some natural way
assuring me there wouldn't be such a day
and then my heart would experience much joy
almost just like acquiring a long expected toy.

Together we would have laughter and fun
like a couple of children playing in the sun.
Though You did reproach me when I was bad
then lovingly forgive me when I'd be so sad.
You would always try and point out to me
the good things around there were to see.

You always were the one I called on when in need
beseeching You as no one else believed me indeed.
You were more or less my constant companion and friend
and together would see things through until the very end.
Now and then I would go my separate way and depart
but sooner or later I would remember You in my heart.
It seemed somehow, You had a permanent place in there
as if it would be impossible to leave it empty and bare.

Part 2
The days did pass by and as I was growing up with age
You would sometimes come and offer advice like a sage
especially when found out doing naughty things some days
by my elders, at the time, being not agreeable to their ways.
They would, by inflicting pain, try and get the message across to me
that what I'd been doing was particularly not very pleasing to see.
Those were the times when I would hide and cry my heart out,
wailing with remorse and anguish I would doubt You were about.
Blaming You for my misfortunes I would try and close the door
not accepting Your existence and then declaring a private war.
When all would become quiet and my mind's rage did subside
You would try and reason with me to put all my weapons aside.

Often were the times when I would listen rapt with awe,
to words of wisdom coming from deep in my heart's core.
Little did I know, at the time, that they would prove to be true,
as only to realise, much later in life, that they came from You.
Yet then, many a time, I had the temerity to pass You by
and meeting with troubles and difficulties wondered why.
The hardships I encountered seemed only to confirm in my mind
that You were a figment of my imagination better left far behind.

My alienation from You increased to such an extent,
as I grew up, becoming a storehouse of ill-content.
Associating with those very much in the same boat,
I began to drift and sink in life's tide rather than float.
Such was my plight, I realised, turning my back on You
ignorantly, yet willingly, tangling with a desparate crew.
That worldly ocean contains very many surprises in store,
for the unwary traveller, going away from the home shore.
By living an unnatural existence in a stormed-tossed sea
it's everyone for themselves disregarding their humanity.
But there were the moments when You would shine through
via members of my family and others advice on behalf of You.
Little did I heed though, what they would concernedly tell,
as I plunged headlong into a self-created, God forsaken hell.

Part 3
It was only through repeated experiences, I would learn
that, where I was heading, would surely make me burn.
Tempted with fancy indulgences my mind would lead me astray
and going from one extreme to the other in weakness I would stay.
Involved with those called 'friends' who really didn't know any better,
being like the blind following the blind, with many an unseen fetter.
It was living a life of sense pleasures; mainly that of wine, women and song,
which seemed to be what everyone else was doing, as each day came along.
Now and then I would stop to reflect on the state I found myself in
but, though I tried, didn't have the determination to leave and begin
a new life which would bring out and develop my real self
instead I wallowed in the mire of this worldly life like an elf.

Then the seemingly unexpected happened, while reeking with taints
I stumbled onto some wisdom through the words of one of Thy Saints.
Paramahansa Yogananda was one of Thy true and recent devotees;
mystic, philosopher, poet and saint, through Yoga he was all of these.
The story he told of life, in a far distant land, awakened my sleeping soul,
overwhelmed my mind with inspiration and taught that You were the goal.

He made the words of the New Testament come alive for me,
with patience and love, showing how real they could easily be.
Without any coercion he helped me realise the truth they contained
for many years escaping my attention though now readily attained.
By dispelling my ignorance he was leading me gently back to You
with Divine knowledge and practical wisdom, I did follow him too.
He helped to turn my gaze inside so that I may see the Inner Light
and by acting on his advice was able to behold that blessed sight.
Transforming my existence, he told me that which I hungered for,
ignorantly looking in the wrong direction not knowing any more.
I began to know the meaning of discipline, in a persons' life by which
any individual could rise from the bottom of existence and so reach
that state of consciousness from where all problems were resolved
through perseverance and grace did get myself seriously involved.

Part 4
He opened up a whole new world of possibilities and life to see,
while reading and comprehending his words power flowed in me.
Then one day at work almost at the turn of a new year,
I heard someone mention a name they held quite dear.
It must of remained in my head like a dormant and potent seed,
because it was associated with a person of a very high breed.
As it turned out an incident happened, involving someone dear in my life,
which I recognized to be more than a chance to end some personal strife.
So, early in the new year, I became determined to give it a go,
that is, live up to my highest aspirations, forsaking much woe.
In order to remove the distance between myself and that which I aspired to
many things were done, impossible it seemed, while keeping my mind on You.

With the knowledge and courage garnered by Yoganandaji's grace
I began to come closer to You at quite a remarkably steady pace.
A lot of things were given up, mainly those holding me heavily down,
and other things were taken up, suggested by Your chosens' renown.
Purification of body and mind was the main way to achieve that end,
sublimation of all actions, inner motives, Your Will I could not offend.
You had to become my One and Only, all else I had to give away,
all that I thought was mine belonged to You, having the final say.
You were everywhere, in everything and also in everyone,
I sought to please You only, like Your Own Begotten Son.
This was more easily said than done as I soon began to see,
that I virtually had to cease to exist and live totally in thee.
How I were to do this was beyond my situation at the time
though I tried with a little success in that favorable clime.

Part 5
Then I remembered that name mentioned just a short while ago
and thus made some effort to find out more as I needed to know.
I came across and even bought a few books relating to that name,
thus began another chapter in my life which wasn't quite the same.
What I began to read was the culmination of all that had come before
and by maintaining a steady discipline realized incredibly much more.
My expectations and joy increased so much so in what I had found
all else meant nothing to me, it seemed, coming across Holy ground.
The words I read were so beautiful, loving, very profound and true
I was dumbfounded to realize they were coming directly from You.

The books I read were by and about a person called Meher Baba
whose name in English was translated as 'Compassionate Father'.
In actual fact He never wrote those books at all as such
but dictated the words on an alphabet board in his clutch.
He would spell every word out to one of His close ones patiently,
by pointing to each letter in the words, moving His finger quickly.
His close one would then record what was 'said' each time by Him
for the benefit of those who would come later, such was His Whim.

He did not write or speak during the greater part of His life,
communicating with silent gestures, not even having a wife.
The words that He 'spoke' were of the highest wisdom and Love,
bringing down Divine Truth, with which to awaken us, from above.
He confirmed and corrected what all the others said about You,
knowing more than the others did, but also respecting their view.
His was the highest philosophy that's ever been described by hand,
by anyone before or since, in this world, anywhere inscribed on land.
He was The One I was always looking for everywhere to find
You were really Him being the latest Unique One of The Kind.
He was also from the same league as Zoroaster, Rama, Krishna, Buddha,
Jesus and Muhammad, but appearing this time around called Meher Baba.

Part 6
You, Him and all the Others were the same One, it was emphasized,
but each time You'd come down were so very differently disguised.
Each time You would come heralding a New Age and New Humanity,
which was what some of Your Saints were preparing mankind to see.
By discipline, meditation, study, prayer, purification of body and mind,
one could devote them self to You in daily life, so not to be left behind
in the coming New World Order which shall abate the rushing tide
of ignorance and selfishness, being a part of mankind's lower side.

We have all seen and should know how bad its really been lately,
with all the wars and power struggles that have passed belatedly;
causing so much destruction, pain, loss of life and property
Your words would ring through my brain jolting my memory:
You said 'such are the pangs and symptoms of spiritual rebirth'
and that all would be affected by Your presence on this earth.
Which is due to mankind's forgetfulness, of its divine origin, and is instead
all engaged in asserting short lasting and false values lodged in its head.
These are based on illusion which is the reason we are grossly misled
being the cause of much evil, having ignored what You previously said.
It's only by living a divine life while here on this earth that we can all
fulfill life's purpose thus being not required to come back any more.

You compassionately stated the importance of following a Perfect Master (See Note #1)
by surrendering and obedience to Him/Her anyone could get there much faster.
He/She was someone who had already achieved life's purpose and Divine goal
and was the very embodiment and shining example of man's Highest Soul.
Only by becoming as dust at the feet of such a living true saint,
seekers could gain His/Her grace and so attain a life free of taint.

Part 7
Your advent here amongst us was like the 'spring tide of creation',
when everyone gets a gentle 'push forward' to a higher life station.
The work You did while here was often very intense and exhaustive
so much so that many times You remained very aloof and seclusive.
Undergoing a great deal of suffering while working within the inner planes
uplifting mankind's consciousness by removing the vitiating mental stains,
that have accumulated over all the years to such an enormous extent
obscuring the Light of Love and Truth revealed by Your last advent.

The words You gave came from the Source of Truth and have real meaning
and those who are ready to receive them there's a rich harvest for gleaning.
Though You did say that You 'have come not to teach but to awaken'
and it was because of Love, in this present form, Your Spirit had taken.
You showered on those who came before You of Your Love, peace and charity
not forgetting the good humor and Divine Knowledge imparted out of necessity.
Continually exhorting Your dear ones that by remembering and loving You all would be well
because You were the God man (See Note #2) Who was the slave of Your lovers; by Grace one could tell.
You did mention many times that You were not limited by this apparent human ****** form
and that You used it only to manifest Thy compassion being more accessible than the norm.
Coming down to be amongst us on our level so that we could catch a glimpse of You as before
appeasing our spiritual hunger; by sight, touch, words and deeds, thus confirm our faith for sure.

_________

Drag me by the heartstrings,
so I can learn to feel again,
so I no longer lay emotionless,
in this self diagnosed depression,

Beaten and broken in so many ways,
it was me who decided I need to change,
no longer will tears fall like acid rain,
because I'm just now remembering, I've got a life to maintain,

So go on, drag me by the heartstrings,
teach me to feel again,
I'm so sick of laying emotionless,
in this grave I dug,

Feels as if nothing is real anymore,
life is just a figment of my perception,
and im falling into the blackness of my imagination,
that can only draw light on the darkest thoughts,
in the **** nation,
I call my abyss of a mind,

Can we forget all the pain?
is it possible to pick up and move on, yet again?
or have I just gone insane,
is this really life?
or just the figment of a broken mind,

Please, I beg, drag me by the heartstrings,
teach me whats real again.