What I need you to understand is that my depression is not just a blanket of sadness laid on top of me.
It is a snowball effect of years worth of disappointments and self judgment .
Piling one traumatic event upon another.
Slowly immobilizing me and holding me captive inside my own mind.
Finding no light underneath the avalanche.
Understand that simple exercise and sun cannot fix this.
This is forever imprinted onto my mind.
If it were up to me, I would fill all of my sorrows into a bottle and throw it as far into the ocean as I could.
Then I would run as hard as possible while they sink to the farthest depths that this world holds.
Reaching the darkest pit they so desperately needs to be.
No longer along side me.
No longer inside me.
Finally, then I would be free from it all.
Still continuing to run as the sinking still furthers.
No thoughts as where I would run but somewhere.
Sometimes I sleep with the lights on so the darkness doesn’t consume me.
So the darkness within my mind doesn’t leak it’s way into the outer world and mesh into depressive thoughts racing around my room and not only in my mind.
This darkness is far more terrifying then any childhood monster could be.
Creeping it’s way into my bed and luring me to sleep only to terrorize me in my dreams.
Whispering in my ear how worthless I am and now I should continue to sleep forever.
My depression is my boogey man.
Terrorizing me at night when it knows I’m the most vulnerable.
This is why I sleep with the lights on most nights.
Being used only for my body is something I never see coming and something I’ll never get over. I open and close myself to those around me like I’m a door when really I’m just the welcome mat they wipe their feet on before they move along.
Ana has made her debut once again.
Telling me that I’m not
All I want is to look like other girls around me.
To grasp the affection from lovers.
But how do I expect myself to grasp love if Ana is taking every ounce of myself with her.
I don’t even have the strength nor energy to grasp the protein shake that’s been flung right in front of me.
I know Ana is toxic but yet her burning words sound so sweet.
Her burning words keep me burning countless calories.
Giving me only enough energy to listen to her.
Ana has made her debut once again and I am once again begging her to leave.
“Don’t cross oceans for people who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you” they say but how do I tell them that that’s all I’ve ever known. Is to push myself beyond my limits for those around me. To be nice. To be compassionate. To be there. I would do anything for someone to cross waters for me but yet crossing a simple puddle is “too hard” for them. Too much effort. Too big to ask for. But when will it finally be my turn for someone to come swimming out to me in this dark depressing ocean?
The world is captivating.
Is it captivating me?
It reminds me every day that it is just as easy to leave as it is to be here.