I sit back on the computer,
Browsing through the pages of those I grew up with
Those people who thought they knew everything about me
I sit back and see what they’ve made of themselves

This girl is single, living alone with her four cats
This other girl now has two kids, unmarried and no degree
This girl is engaged to her high school sweetheart, yet they don’t look happy
This other couple broke up, wait they’re back together, nope spoke too soon
This guy is working at the local supermarket, never went to college after his arrest
This guy gained a few pounds, no longer the star athlete
This guy dropped off the map

See being the quiet girl, I learned secrets
I knew the deepest secrets of every single one of these people
Because while they sat in the back of the room chattering on about their so called problems
I was sitting in the front,

Listening

This girl had two boyfriends, and even more flings
This girl slept with four guys in one night
This girl’s boyfriend cheated on her, over and over again
This couple would sneak off in between classes, during lunch, or school assemblies
This guy was the trophy child, who gave away free drugs to his friends hidden inside pens
This guy was the quarterback; everything handed to him on a golden platter
This guy was the school stud who was hiding a relationship with his boyfriend by sleeping with every girl he could

Back then I listened because I wanted to feel apart of something bigger
I wanted to be one of them,
I wanted to be invited to all those weekend bashes
I wanted to be the girl people felt awed by, inspired by, idolized
I wanted to be part of the “in” crowd

So I stood there, day after day
As they teased me
Berated me
Shattered my confidence
Tearing apart everything I was
Telling me I would never amount to anything
Telling me I was fat, ugly, stupid
That I unworthy of love
Telling me…

I

Was

Nothing




Let them tell me that today
I see everything of what they have become
Those people I wanted to be are no longer there
Their confidence shattered by reality

The best days of their life ended the day they left high school

Mine on the other hand are just beginning
I am the girl who is wanted
I’m the girl who can go wild
I’m the girl who can be passionate
I’m the girl who is adventurous
I’m the girl who brings pride
I’m the girl who is the athlete
I'm the girl who travels the world
I’m the girl who is unashamed of who I am

Because by pushing me out
My oppressors gave me everything I needed
The strength to try
The courage to dream
The ability to think
The confidence to be unique
Independence to thrive
But more than anything
My oppressors gave me desire

Desire to be more than they believed I could be

Hypnotic music, joyous sounds surround
The fans, all entranced by the performers.
The drummer happily bashes and pounds
Everything he sees shaped like cylinders.

The hi-hat steadily keeps the rhythm,
The bass drum makes a thud, quite powerful.
The crowd can't help but nod along with him
As he makes these beats so insatiable.

The cymbals create such fearful crashes,
And his finely tuned snare shoots roaring pops
Hurtling towards the off-guard masses,
This manic madness just can't seem to stop!

What exactly does he have left to prove?
He simply wants to see everyone *groove!

I work for the machine
that bashes bastardized beauty
into the face of the masses

The status quo
of oppressing the Goddess
to some golden ratio
of ***** perfection

"We set the standards, baby"

An arrogance of man,
A battle born in blood
objectifying some sacred symbol,
The cosmic ****
we all crawled out of
as star dust

The holy hole
to heaven on Earth
Gaia taken advantage of
Rejecting the gift of consciousness

We'll de-evolve
like past-life regressions
like we're so self-entitled to 
come back around
Among the cosmos
cradled in the crescent 

Deny yourself the mystique of the feminine
The clashing of the anima and animus
The syzergy of 
the sun 
the moon 
and us
Call on your angels
And submit to the psychosis

My brothers,
These are our 
sisters and mothers
They don't want to castrate
The ******* symbol

Destroy the alpha male
And the omega oppression
The beginning and the end of
**** shaming 

I worked for the 
misogyny machinery of Moloch
My heart no longer beats here
It just bleeds for *her.

I feel the breeze brush my skin.
I feel nostalgia begin.
And I just want to sit awhile
And let it all sink in.

Sit here with me
Under the shade of this oak tree,
Whose branches we would climb
When we were younger,
Long before we lost the hunger
To go beyond the world we knew.
So what do you say
We pass away the afternoon
Just staring up at the sky?
Finding pictures in the clouds
As they go passing  by.

We can talk of days long gone,
The things we've done,
The roads we're on
And people we use to know.
Discuss all the little things:
Family, friends and enemies,
And see where the stories go.
We can let the day fade
As we sit within the shade.

I can feel the night time cold.
On my memories it pulls.
And the familiarity
Has got me feeling old.

Lean against the bark with me,
Where we once carved our names for all to see.
Etchings that have long since faded
Through the battering storms.
The same clashes and bashes and lighting flashes
That left us all weathered and worn.
We can name the constellations
That our memories still retain,
And make up our own
For all the stars that still remain.

Let's discuss the existential questions:
The meaning of it all.
Embrace the cluelessness in
The conclusions that we draw.
And when there's nothing more to say,
No more answers to be reached,
We can pass away the darkness
In the silence finally breached.

I want to go to the circus with him and fail at the tricks at home
I want to dance in the rain with him and jump in puddles in gumboots
I want to climb trees with him with binoculars and look over the lake
I want to build a pillow fort with him, with Disney movies and chocolate

Something took a hold of me right in the moment
I accidentally got lost in those eyes first time looking into them
His smile made so happy and I think he noticed because he smiled more
I literally felt sparks and a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart

I didn't plan on this happening, far out
I swore to only fall inlove with myself
Too much pain and love is so overrated
But it was beyond my control

And then cupid's arrows kept hitting me
Just a moment in the pouring rain
I saw myself and a billion adventures together in him
A deep urge to hug him came over me

He's so dorky and cute and sweet and innocent
He wears a big clunky watch and is good at maths and computers
He does acoustic covers of Of Monsters and Men songs
He runs around like a maniac in PE and bashes up his friends playfully

There is no definition and there aren't any rules for love
If you think a person is just the bee's knees, that's love
I'm only young but I know an awesome person when I see one
And God will always hold my heart but man, this human... I adore him

I feel stupid for letting another person contain some of MY own joy
I feel so scared that I fell for just the idea of him like I have once before
But ugh, words can't describe how content my heart is
I refuse to say he erased my pain, because let's not be naive, but wow


One day I hope we get to conquer the world in our pillow fortress


<3

We have touched so much since December,
steeping teas torrid and arctic ice cubes
a thousand fibers, prince bee his princess
generous blankets papering flu
the drizzle on wedding dawns or departure’s eve
pieces of candy for holiday celebrations
even the ending of a movie –

these are wild fingers that we have
rebellious, juveniles in mind
singing summer stories through knuckles  
bodies long slenderized
and they are more than myself

to them, I have no name
but my brain and I are their mother
a well-mannered woman in command

I feed them lotion,
then play in the sand apathetic
whistles papercuts that sting with
mouths as lions tigers bears sharks leaves
asking which hurts most significantly of all we
have loved –

and then again, what enduring does not belong?

The adolescents scoff at each of their
five circadian baths, and I hear cries
for showers because soap makes them crack

but it is in your best interest, I say;
you touch everything that gets in your way

to move is beauty and transitioning more so:
my hands are dancers, pirouetting
on stage to fall harmoniously with
bashes, revelations, words I care to mean
yes, these are what causes the bleed of
my aging hands, and throughout their years,
rings dying them green.

Jesus hangs from my rearview mirror,
forced to sway from side to side to the Devil's music --
Big Brother with His ever watchful, weeping lenses.

Most nights I ignore His chimes as He bashes
other charms and mementos on silver chains,
but from the corner of my eye I pray for forgiveness

as His aura changes from red to green.
Sins and skidmarks are left behind the white line
and ***** palms -- wet and hope streaked -- drive the wheel home.

Just mahogany and horsehide glue,
machine heads and a ***** or two.
Plywood top, solid sides and back,
bone and fake ivory, ebony, and shellac.

Steel and bronze wire, to make her ring.
A well placed sound hole to let her sing.
But for love or money I played here every week,
for 30 years she has earned my keep.

Four star restaurants, or beer soaked bars,
or serenading a lover under summer night stars.
A joyous birthday, sad funeral of a friend,
she's always been there, on one I can depend.

Drunken'- Dancin' New Years Eve bashes,
barbequed sun baked poolside splashes.
St. Valentine's Day love songs, wine and roses,
or a smoky old blues club that never closes.

A nursing home sing along on St. Patty's day,
a hurricane party till we all got blown away.
Christmas carols by soft candlelight,
I've played this guitar most every night.

From Florida to Canada, Vegas to NYC,
from Frank Sinatra, to Conway Twitty.
Zeppelin to Bach, JT to Pink Floyd,
anything to keep me from being employed.

One night in Nashville Greg Allman played on her,
And asked me to join him, oh what an honor.
We make people happy, we bring them together,
when I play on her I am as light as a feather.

Some fell in love, and got married from our tunes,
some nights we're alone on sugar beach dunes.
She's filled up my tip jar, and filled up my heart.
Because of this guitar my life got its start.

I've sat up with her all night, when she was sick,
changed strings a million times, broken many a pick.
Caressed her, strummed her, as she dashed my fears,
cussed her and ****** her, as she tasted my tears.

With her I wooed my lover, until she married me.
She has been my addiction, and she has set me free.
They applaud for me, but she's really the star.
I know it's just wood and wire, but she's my guitar.
###====(==O==== )###====(==O==== ) ###====(==O==== )

*For my Takamine "Lawsuit" I bought in Nashville in 1982.

The dissonance in the air
visiting flashes sonically weaving trembling tales
of flash floods and brushfires. intertwined between and beneath
leathery scales, dorsal fins and rat tails.
Intimate whispered coded messages
massaging ear drum lines menacingly, scratching the passages, cruising through each hall.
tapping at every door.

With a gravely groan, reciting a indecipherable buddhist koan.
Laugh as you may
The moon will leave
Without a notice
We'll be without
Another day.

The dissonance in the air
leaving car crashes and birthday bashes in shambled states of stasis
smiling bits of shrapnel suspended in howling fits of laughter
smoldering hordes of children melting under summer suns
all while a paramedic belts out birthday songs
and a clown juggles displaced screws and cogs.
Disasters and dances have more in common than
dispatchers and discjockeys.

There's a really heavy typewriter on the shelf above me.
It's old. It's broken. It's beautiful.
"I wish I could use it." is always my first thought when I stare up into its under-carriage of prongs and teeth.
It doesn't fit on the shelf, and it surely doesn't belong there.
My first thought should be "That may fall and **** me at any moment", but I think I avoid that thought because I kind of hope it does. What a way to go out. Not intentional. I didn't put it up there with the intention of it becoming some sort of Medieval time-bomb, but the symbology behind that accidental death would be enough for me to be satisfied with the ending of my life.
If you manage to banish the senseless fascination with your imagination's speculation of what people will think of you if you do THIS...or when THAT happens...then what's there to fear about failure? Failure just becomes progress at that point.
There's a really heavy typewriter on the shelf above me, and a part of me hopes that it falls and bashes my skull in.

Powder of ashes like snowfall in winter

The air and army withered in a splinter

Smoky-grey flaky leaves dead and forgotten

Each cobblestone tinted and tainted

Things of dishearten

I stand in the middle of a big large road

With ashen embers resting on my lashes

My coat and tote limp from the bashes

People lay, some far away and some grey,

The death spell cast on all the bay

I feel a tug in my heart,

Shocked at the sight

Cursed fates for a deadly plight

I stand alone, guilty for having survived

No goodbyes or funerals to leave me teary-eyed

The carpet of carcasses in front of me lay

Left me with loud realization of a lonesome foray

I wished I were blamed for their unjustified departure

Or for my survival inexplicable in any form of literature

The sky now looks a faded rotten orange

With the embers settled like a thick mat on the ground

Suddenly the sound of tip tap made me jump

From my lost thoughts.

My coat and tote comes back to life

I feel a tug and around my calf a hug

The most innocent eyes looked up at me

And said, “Mommy, I want to go home please…”

Just like everybody else
I was learning for myself
Just what would make me sick
And how the whole world ticks.
Then I quickly ran into collusion
Left me in a state of confusion.
I learned about rationalization
And self-righteous indignation
From purveyors of hypocrisy
Passed off as great philosophy
That labeled some as dross,
Not fit to be the lowest boss.
I watched people get locked out
And ignored when they shouted
The bosses talking about degrees
Driving workers to their knees
Because they couldn’t afford
College room and board
For the four years of beer bashes
And drunken month-long crashes
In Mexican towns full of them
That could go there on a whim
While the children of the working class
Worked hard so their kids could pass
And have a chance to get ahead
Instead of a shoveling until dead.

I was learning this first-hand
That not all of life was grand
If you could not afford to buy.
And banks just passed you by
When you needed a car
Because work was so far
From where you had to stay
In the neighborhoods far away
From the nice neat places
And squeaky clean faces
Of those who inherited wealth
Or were sent to schools
That sent out the fools
That knew how to look nice.
And nobody thought twice
When they weren’t quite as bright
As the people that had to fight
For an opening, then trained
So the rich kid could maintain
In a job he didn’t qualify for
But he had the SAT score
To prove he was intelligent
And had the proper quotient
Whether he could deliver or not.
The rest was all just rot.
And nobody paid attention
Nor would they mention
The kid was a well-trained fool
And what he learned in class
Was how to look good and pass
For a person smarter than
The average working man.
That’s what I learned first-hand
And what I came to understand.

Das Fuehrer gefüllt mit Flöte.

Listening 2 yawns,
meditating on medication,
lisping a cry to Das Führer,
I proffer a pray,
im morgen Früh, im morgen Führer,
im morgen nah; hören Sie mich.
Not 4 pleasure yearning 4 unright
Unctuous crimes. Not with U.
Not with boast (yet not with hate 2).
Hating the bath water with the babe
as it bashes Reaper's polemic
hellfire falling out of window;
Still me, in that kindness enters
my home, bowing cuz the doorway is 2 large.
Guiding in black ink,
writing a way
out of loyalties mouth,
out of sclerotic liver,
and contumacious throat.
I tongue an act, a play,
staying guilty in U,
saying guilty in Us.
Lemmings encouraged to revolt,
Offending in U,
Rejoicing only in Us.
Witness our joy, that Xanex protects
against dull moments, forgetting Us,
bland blessings rightly
Surrounded by Yawn's shield.

1720, work’s all done.
Listen boss, I got to dash.
Stopped at florist.
Bought red roses for his lover.
Ran down the street clutching his bunch.
Glanced at his watch.
Sees that he’s late.
To meet the wife.
Anniversary date.
Puts his hand in jacket pocket.
Aims to find his mobile.
Silly sod forgot it.

Got to the phone box on the corner of the street.
Waited a minute or two.
Until in desperation, to give apologetic explanation.
Tap, tap tap, he rapped.
Bashes on the phone box door.
A silly old dear with hair rinsed in blue.
Spins round with venomous tongue.
Shouts out loud.
“Be patient son”.
“Can’t you see I’m having a chat!”
Chatter chatter.
Natter natter.
On and on she went.
Dude outside was going mental.

Mrs Ancient left the cubicle.
Throwing ***** looks around.
Huffing a puffing, like the dragon she is.
The flower man flies in the box.
Receiver picked up.
Dials lady lover’s number.
Typically the number’s engaged.
So, spitting fire the fella’s enraged.
Tired of trying to explain.
Knowing his next train is due in a while.
Runs from the kiosk not wearing a smile.
In his ire he chucked the roses.
Landed in the ******* bin.
At the terminus of train at last.
The flower seller grinned at him.
She could see his stress shine through.
Sold him a bunch of lilies of peace.
Before on to the train he swept.

Key in the front door.
Inside he ventured.
Smelling cremated dinner burn.
“Oops darling I’m so sorry.
You’d never believe the day I had.
See darling.
I didn’t forget our anniversary!”
(C) Livvi 2014

Their minds refuse to pace themselves
Their hearts refuse to wait
Their faces split in twos one day
Their souls once pure do taint

Their goals will slip
Their dreams do shake
Their honesty no longer exists
Their lying
Their cheating
Their struggle for power
Their need for attention from anyone

Their morals have changed for the worst
Their pants have turned to mini skirts
Their study dates turn to bush bashes
Their 'never shall I ever's' turn to 'always'

They all turn into the things
They swore they would never be
Once they go through high school

Imagine your surgical procedure being done by someone you’ve left broken hearted
Surely they’ve put aside the petty squabbles in the past and are prepared to operate

No anesthesia…how curious
Why are your limbs fastened so securely?

Her empty gaze captures your eyes
She looks away and begins the first incision
Down the middle of your abdomen
A cry of stinging pain fills the four walled chamber of oncoming torture
The blade leads down to your waist and sliced open skin follows behind it
And inside dwell your organs within the ribs

Empty jars await their entry sitting on the counter

“NO!
“NO!” “STOP, PLEASE!”

She remains silent

Yet on the inside a roar of rage propels her to twirl your intestines with a fork like spaghetti and then put it in a jar
That was for the time you put her down and judged her harshly for being anorexic.  
She only wanted to be pretty enough to deserve you

She has waited a long time for this delayed gratification
It has been put off due to her indecision's of how she planned to force feed you your just desserts

A hunting knife into your back?
Too messy
Get a new lover and rub it in your face?
Too predictable
Arsenic or sulfuric acid poisoning?
To easy
The thought of bashing you on social media and bringing out all your grotesque laundry and despicable skeletons?
Well that would diminish her reputation and you; in her eyes are not worthy of that

So this was her concluding decision
Precariously and tediously breaking you down bit by bit

An angel of death with a vendetta against a betraying heretic of love

She plucks your kidneys out with a pair of clean stainless steel tweezers
And drops them in a jar then twists the lid back on tightly

That was for all the times you pressured her to take part in things that went against all she believed to be right and true
“Here, drink this”
“Snort this”
“**** this”
“We don’t need one”
“This won’t hurt”
“Come on don’t you love me?”
Your screams have been silenced with gauze bandages
The muffled agony is like a serene symphony to her

You hurt her
You took her
And had her change everything about her to the point she couldn’t even recognize her reflection in the mirror
What was once a beautiful blonde haired, bright eyed, clear skinned young woman became a pale, thin haired, strung out, sunken eyed broken shadow of herself
All because of you
And your intimidating influence

She spoons out your liver, the your bladder and pancreas
The appendix has already been taken out, on her dime
Remember that?
You had her move in
You had her pay a little of the rent
Then half of it
Then all of it
She worked while you shot up
Then you got her to start shooting up
She lost her job and you two lived on the streets

You’ve passed out now
Your moans and squirms are gone

She proceeds to remove your stomach
This was for what was the most traumatic and tragic moment in her life

You got her pregnant, around the same time you convinced her to join you on a drinking binge
Months later she told you she went to the doctor
And the doctor said your child was still born
Can you recall the sleepless nights of tears and anguish?
Of course not you were invested with another woman at the bottom of a bottle of bourbon

The jars are filling up
Two remain

She rips out your lungs with her bare hands
You told her you would marry her, you would love and cherish her forever
Instead you ruined her life and drove it into the ground
You made her feel lonely even when you were right next to her knocked out in some doped up trance

She bashes your skull open with a rock hammer and picks up your brain and removes the stem
She looks at it
She would have believed it to be more sinister looking
And smaller
Into a jar it goes

Last but not least she looks at your heart
It stopped beating
Your black heart
Full of malice and careless arrogance
Your brutal, evil heart
She rips it out with her own mouth
And takes a bite and swallows
It tastes like a rotten sour stinking fruit
Putrid and vile

Your carcass tied to an operating table
Your torso torn open
And your organs removed and put in jars

The girl you wronged is now satisfied
You are even
You can pass on
And she can move on

The road was shiny slick with glissoning rain as I flew  down the highway,
Owl city's voices hymed through the poors of my radio,
"When I'm far too tird to fall asleep"  they say,
A car rushes round the corner so I switch my lights to low.

A Buzz or two,
A twinckle light luminates the middle concile,
U coming home baby? We miss you:(

Heh,
I miss u2

A little  girl goldest hair  you can  think of pops into my head,
"Daddy" she says  arm streched wide inviting,
"Welcome home, Daddy," the lovliest women  you'd ever seen said,
I walk in and the aroma of chiken, mash patatos, and fresh cut bean meet me I'm home in time for supper that's supprizing.

God it's so late,
My headlights chase after the yellow dashed line,
Buzz When you get hom we should go on a d8
22 miles till home says the sign.

Such a long drive,
but to where I'm going it's worth it,
into bed's the first place I'll dive,
all the rain glows like a candle that's lit.

Buzz We can't  wait 2c u:)
Reply me 2

I set me phone on the dashboard as I start to round the mountian's sleek edges,
Rain sets the road like ice,

Buzz! I love you;)

In the distance apears yellow wedges,
My breaks are squeaking mice.

Hydroplaning we lose control,
My head bashes gainst the air bag,
driffting away is my soul,
Head hung eyes sag.

Buzz *I love you

filial pattern
like fingerprint on glass
so it passes

in blows and bashes
reflections loom
in over under around

to what end
can we change
rock-face and crag
eroded murky-waterfront

Thought I never openly brag on it
I never found it something to dwell on
You made a gift so emotional that it could never be bought
So inspirational it must be felt and not taught
Then life happened, and so did you
Changing to somebody I could barely view
You spent your days at parties and bashes, long forgetting your truest friends
You left our messages on red and blue, and even when I waited for you
You never rung back

You greatly post about your life, as if you beg for the attention
And looking back and taking some introspection
I realize we were the sun and the moon
Always to be apart, always to have a pull and push
Always to end things early, always to say goodbye too soon
Never ready and never to see the use

I'd ping you motivation and say your eyes spark into the souls of millions
You'd see this message and reply later as if my response is vermillion
You'd say I ignore you for having nothing to work with
And yet I adored you even when you thought I wouldn't persist
Months on end a single ping from you is all I wanted
and seconds on end my response time made you astonished

Many call you out to your way of delaying friendships, to keep them on hold and return when you are in pieces
To have us piece you back together because you learnt this world is vicious
You even told me you find my concern for you so alarming, how anybody so genuine could love "****" like you
And even now I second guess before I throw blame and hit skew

You called guys manipulative and even called my lack of time a game
Yet always cried and pleaded when we called you out for the same
So determined to keep a guy on the line while lusting for another
You find it naïve of me to not act like your brother
It's saddening to think we may never find comfort in speaking again
And where I wished you at every occasion, you never wished me a happy birthday
You never told me happy Birthday

just forget what i had just said
am sorry that i came a bit late
but i thought that I'd always have the chance
for the sake of humanity
we have been friends for long


remember when we visited river Mathioya
remember all the bashes
and all the good times we had
how could you forget my birthday
and all the fun we had there

he came just the other day
how much do you really know about him
how sure are you he is here to stay
why wouldn't you ask me first
just like you do with other opinions


am sorry if you feel blamed
the fault is entirely mine
i took my sweet time
to mount up enough courage
twice or thrice i have hesitated

so today when i said i love you
when i said that i wanted us to be
when i said that i have known you well
so well that i could take the journey with you
to a future of the unknown
it took me all the energy i could summon
and all the courage i could gather


but i cant change anything now
i should have said it earlier
i should have told you how i felt
i should have let it out

i allowed him to take you for tea
i didn't know he would ask you that
now that you said yes to him
i feel empty inside
i feel like i have lost it all

am sorry it took me long
but if i had the power to turn back time
I'd ask you out the instance we meet
i painted my heart with the colors you like
but now you have a new home

i cry only for tonight
and tomorrow a new journey begins
a wrecking ball for the walls
its time to move on

but how do i move on
when all i have ever loved is you
how could i approach another
while it's you on ma mind
how can i listen to another voice
when yours is ringing in both ears.

i will keep my distance
but i will always love you....

It's 5:54 a.m. and the hot salty water bashes against the sand.
Now, the first cars emerge from the night-time lights.
I see a couple,
Him white shirt
Her black shirt
Looking like tourists,
They have the same desoriented expression as I do.

Couple blocks away I watch the red neon
Blinking from the distance,
Next thing I know I'm traveling through
                    each yellow light
                    each window
                    every spit of sea foam
                    every palm tree,

On top of another hotel
I found a room with lights on, yet
No one seems to be dazzling
                         in the dark
Gazing the horizon and the dark sea
All by himself...
                                        ...besides this hopeless fool
                                        waiting for the sunrise

I think that in the end we would rather keep our pain than jump at a chance for joy....

We would rather hate than forgive and forget because forgiving makes it "ok".

We would rather keep our own crosses than trade for anything else...

I would rather go home to a husband who bashes my face in and his gifts to me are a couple of broken bones and bruises than take a chance with this cold world....

Once you find someone who loves u.. love u in their own kind of way... everything seems OK, perfect even... because nothing hurts more than rejection and uncertainty... It has to hurt to be "Love" ,,, right CUPID?

Fear is my mouse
It scritters and scratches
And furtively tap dances
In the black when I'm
Hoping and dreaming in the dark

His friend is a moth of self-doubt
That hides from the day
But flutters and bashes
And flits at my eyelashes
Whenever I turn out the light

Even the innocent tree
Who can't help but sway in the wind
Is guilty of tapping my window
The glass is belief and the branch uncertainty
The panes often shatter and let in the night.

I woke up again
not that I meant to!
I kept hoping and dreaming
for it to never happen

Just live with monsters
Those that dance in my dreams
I can fight them!
they only grab
and claw
and rip

Having ***
with the wrong girl
for the wrong reason
in the weird world where forgotten ghosts go
I liked feeling pathetic

That was simple;
more than this dream
Loving the right girl
for the right reason

Then that ****** clock
that grabs me by the throat
that plucks me up
It bashes me around
birthing me again into this ugly old dream

I liked that other one more
Where the monsters would grab
and claw
and tear

Where the wrong girl
stole nothing from the sky
just laughed and left

The demons are on replay today

Circling through my mind.

I’m trying to tell them they’re not telling the truth

Yet somehow, it’s hard to find

The words to say back to them

As they batter me inside

One glimpse at a mirror is all they need

To crush my soul and pride.

You’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re worthless

As though my appearance is the epitome

Of my future destiny

As though it matters how I look.

I try to be strong, to fight their throng,

of never ending bashes,

yet sometimes I am prone to crashes,

where tears fall from my lashes

and I feel as though I’ve been reduced to ashes.

But I must fight, I must continue on.

For an ending isn’t the solution.

No matter how much I want to curl up in a ball

And hide from all

I can’t be small, I must stand tall.

You’re not a burden, you’re a human,

With so much more to you than looks and appearance.

So fight the urge to restrict
This is the real Laura’s edict.

I love long
I love lasting
Like bombs
Hearts are blasting
Casting. Casting shadows
Beaneath all the rain
Maybe the water will wash off the pain
I watch the drops roll off your glistening hair
I only now notice that you've left me bare
Bare from all beauty, just riddled with blue
From bruises and bashes, a ****** nose too
I know darling, the blood had you scared
But darling our pains just can't be compared
So maybe just maybe you'll leave me alone
With glow and such beauty that cuts to my bone
And maybe just maybe I will try to fly
With soft lips and in silence I'll tell you goodbye

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who told the biggest lies of all


A tisket a tasket
He just flipped a gasket


Red Rover Red Rover
Let warheads come over


One, two skip to my Lou
Three, four, you’ll start a war
Five, six, you’re in a fix
Skip to my Lou, my darling.
Seven, eight, it’s just too late
Nine, ten, you'll never win
Skip to my Lou, my darling.


Here we go Lupti Lou
Here we go Lupti Lie
Here we go Lupti Lou
Why don’t you lay down and die


Ring around the Rosey
A pocket full of posers
Bashes, Crashes
The World falls down


Mary, Scary, quite contrary
How does your evil grow
With fire drill bells and armored shells
And dead bodies all in a row.
ljm

Epigraph:

Spoiling the fun is getting fun


Sandwiching oneself
In a crammed place
Is piling ***** up
Or glomming grasshoppers
As it testifies one's
Strength and stamina
That one needs
To spend ample time there
Jostling and finding
A suitable seat
A neck to neck competition
Though only for standing

Party poppers
Are connoisseur in this field
No card carved for them
They trespass halls
With panache
And strut like a special guest
Who gets the cynosure
And add candies to the celebration
Here, instinct does the work well
And it drives and drags them
To beautiful bashes or pow-tows
But simultaneously
it be controlled and switched off
If strikes once, twice or thrice
Allured, they fall into oblivion
That lounging much longer
In the pools of joys
Gathers gatherings
And some of them
*** amok to mop the mess
And they had better learn
Entering the banquets
with no invitation
Is mounting on monkeys
And climbing up the trunk.

if someone
bashes you,
hates you,
wrongs you,
or betrays you,
for no reason,

they're just dying to have a life like yours.

I build houses wherever I can. I collect them like rain in my hand. I build them down in the valleys and up in the hills. On the beach and in the street. But only for the thrill.
I love building houses, I simply can’t have a favorite. But what I hate the most is when I get a house built, this boy comes along and tears them down. I scream and yell for him to stop. It’s my house you’re destroying! I tell him how beautiful the house is and how I could never build another. But he just leaves a pile of rubble.
So I’ve started tearing down my own houses, when they’re almost finished. Right before they’re complete. This time it’s me who removes the mortar and bashes in the bricks. No more boy tearing into my castles.
I will be the one who destroys them, I will be the one who builds the next. You will never be close to my castles boy, you will never consume my bricks.

My head bashes against the pavement
And anonymous feet plunge into my sides
Surrounded by enemies
In the dark of night

I’ve done something they didn’t like
I’ve crossed the line it’s my warning
And a familiar face pulls out a gun
I won’t live to see morning

One choice I made
Has lead me here
The one that fell
Through the cracks of good judgment
I sewed my own poison
It was just business
And I couldn’t keep up
So I packed it in and shipped out

As far back as I could remember
I’ve always wanted to be a somebody
I got as far as I could
But now I’m busted up and ******
I’m obsolete, stay off the streets
I’ve crossed the lines it’s my final warning
I won’t live to see morning

One choice I made
Has lead me here
The one that fell
Through the cracks of good judgment
I sewed my own poison
It was just business
And I couldn’t keep up
So I packed it in and shipped out

Dead silence
Street light so vibrant
Another punch and I’m numb
So throw me down
Not a threat a promise
Put the gun to my head
And splatter my brains on the curb
Or live
To fight another day

       -Tommy Johnson
One choice I made
Has lead me here
The one that fell
Through the cracks of good judgment
I sewed my own poison
It was just business
And I couldn’t keep up
So I packed it in and shipped out

the rain storms down
the angry words fall out
and we all start to drown

fighting for our breath
and we can’t contain
what we feel anymore

to see through her eyes
would be more than a punishment
as we wade through the waves of life

depression bashes into me
and I fight this sea repeatedly
staying afloat in treacherous sin

Faking one more smile
pushing emotion aside
just long enough to forget

and never long enough
to not feel regret

i miss the warmth of you
beside me, breathing me in
i fight desperately for one more chance

to feel the way you
made me feel

the feeling was flying


falling crying dying life love floating elation


i can’t live anymore

I’m already dead.



xoxo

Despite my best efforts,
still i fail.
Despite careful planning,
despite long hours of contemplation,
despite endless nights awake in the heat of an inner debate,
despite all loss of faith and abandonment of previous principles
just to try to find some new way.
Still i am lost, and can not be redeemed.
My mind bashes itself to pieces on these questions,
and not only does the answer evade me
but the question itself
becomes fuzzy and unclear
a static saturated radio flying away
in the cab of a filthy car
Driven no doubt by some saggy eyed *******
a smoker who eats out alot
wrappers and ash stuck to grease stains
cover the interior.
Wait.
What am i trying to find out?
Why does it matter?
Who cares?
Do i?
Who am i?
Still, grasping blindly in the dark of human knowledge,
in the tainted waters of my own memory,
I can find nothing.
Nothing for myself.
Nothing for anyone else,
no purpose,
no inspiration.
Loss,
loss and desperation.
I spit in the face of your compensations
offered up like tasteless party favours
for my incompetence.
Pity, plead, or beg
these are not the actions I engage in.
I am too stupid,
too proud.
I wish only to be left alone
only to be untouched
twitching and broken
in the toxic and shard filled mental pool
of my own making.

The comfort and warmth,
From the brown bark of trees.
An arrangement of letters, books are my disease.
To read and to read until my eyes are weighed down
With stories and poems these words bring around
To read is an adventure, another life beside yours
Another world you can enter, somewhere safe from the storm
That bashes and booms outside of you door.
When it ends, for those final few pages
You mourn.
As another day starts you choose something to read.
An adventure, a terror, a knight in good stead
To whisk you away to a place not your own
In a readers life, you don't have just one home.