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RisingUp Jan 5
When I'm feeling low,
the familiar obsessions start to flow

Discomfort in every inch of my body
I loathe every aspect of it.

My stomach is huge,
my thighs too wide
I'm fat and disgusting
No matter how hard I try.
I have no control
I'm a lazy slob
I used to be accomplished
Now I'm a blob.

No idea who I am
No idea what to do
All that I ever want
Is truly just to lose
I want to be thinner
I want to lose weight
I want to be fit
No more body hate
There's a magical number
That will make things okay
I'm way above that
Scared to see what I weigh

Others would say
I don't see the real me
My body is "great"
I'm fit and pretty

This used to be
How I thought every day
I'm grateful it's lessened
But some thoughts seem to stay.

These thoughts are just thoughts
I can survive this blow
Look toward better days
When more helpful thoughts flow
RisingUp Nov 2020
When you hug me, the world feels brighter
You inspire me to believe
You do so many things for me
Inspire me to achieve

We go on fun adventures
Discuss world problems too
Grateful for your smile
Grateful I chose you.
RisingUp Nov 2020
I'm tired of overthinking
I'm tired of feeling lost
I'm tired of not feeling good enough
Of emptiness and loss

I'm tired of feeling purposeless
"So smart" but no direction
Thinking suffering has meaning
But doubt is my infection

I dream of knowing what I'm meant to be
What I can contribute to this earth
What job will fill me day by day
As I try to own my worth

I think about those suffering
Unable to get aid
I think of all the sadness out there
In mud many people wade

I want to have a positive contribution
Bring joy to others I see
I want others to know they're not alone
Like others did for me

My DNA is prone to sadness
Anxiety's in there too
But I've learned some ways to cope with them
It's okay for me to feel blue

I worked so hard
for what?
It truly seems silly now
Sacrificing my health for amazing grades
Wasn't worth it, I can vow

Turn my wounds into wisdom
Is what I want to do
I have to hold onto embers of hope
Know my intentions are true

It's important to just try things
Let go of past goals,
We're constantly changing and growing
On our quest to feel more whole
RisingUp Oct 2020
With tests there's right and wrong

I loved getting the right answer

But the real world doesn't work that way
Usually no clear answers.

But I still find myself searching
High and low
for the perfect life circumstance
that will make my heart glow

That will leave me content
Restore my joyful self
Instill feelings of hope
Fill my soul with wealth

But it's a faulty search tactic.

Life is never perfect
It can't fully be controlled
Has its ups and downs
As we continue to get old

For a perfectionist like me
This is hard to accept
If I work a bit harder
I'll never be inept

But this means perpetual dissatisfaction.
Only seeing the bad
The world's falling apart
and everyone's mad

I wish I didn't struggle with my mental health
Or think about this so much
I wish I didn't deeply care
About the world's struggles and such

I must believe I can find joy
Contentment and purpose too
To appreciate things for what they are
Hope and positivity to imbue
RisingUp Oct 2020
I don't know who I am.

This may sound strange,
but it's how I feel
many 20 somethings
know this feeling is real

"This is normal"
"You're not alone"
But this lack of identity
Makes me feel thrown

For years I was the "smart one"
Strove for the highest grades
Lost that identity for a bit
Momentarily lived in the shade

I reclaimed that feeling in first year
Academically, feeling strong
But wanting to excel was challenging
Anxiety and depression tagged along

I excelled for four years to leave options
Working myself to the bone
Hoping my hard work would mean something
My path forward would be shown

But now I'm left with burn out.

It leaves me at a crossroads
Not sure which path to take
Not confident in myself
Or the changes I hope to make

Building a live worth living
Is more challenging than you make think
When you're used to craving excellence
Anything less feels like an empty link

I have to find a way forward
To make sense of all that is
Accept that life isn't always fun
But know that doesn't mean my life is done.

I want to be an optimist
In a world that's sad and cruel
Find where I truly belong
Hope will be my tool.
RisingUp Sep 2020
Work hard.
More degrees, more success
No time for rest,
do your best.

Always anxious about school.

...

But don't you love to learn?
I guess that's true
but instead of feeling engaged
I'm feeling more blue
No longer is it about
broadening your mind
now it's about
the endless grade grind.

You're only worth something if your grades are great
Keep working hard, leisure can wait
Do your masters, be grateful for education
Wait.

Who's to say I want more education?
Who's to say that more wealth equals more happiness?

We've become a generation
bred for success
be grateful for your opportunities
when your parents had less.
Denying university?
How ungrateful can you be?
I've worked so hard for you
You're supposed to impress me.

We've forgotten.
Nobody wants to starve, or miss paying rent
But happiness is not cultivated
By more dollars spent
We spend our lives at work
Chasing more and more
Family and friends
are turned into a chore.

If this is the price of success, count me out.
I crave connection and belonging
I need others without a doubt.
Let's turn off the technology,
and reflect on our paths
Unless we start connecting
Discontentment will unleash its wrath
RisingUp Sep 2020
When you destroy yourself,
you destroy me.

I know it shouldn't work that way
But how can it not, as day after day
You work yourself to death.

What are your hobbies?
What brings you joy?
Nothing?

I'm tired of your melancholic mood
How you never prioritize food
Work for 80 hours per week
As anger and rage you continue to leak

How do you not see this?
"I need to provide"
For a family you are killing
On the inside
we've tried
oh yes, we've tried
to explain this all to you
but denial and tears is what comes
and now I'm totally through.

You can't fill from an empty cup.
But on you, I've given up.

I worry about you all the time.
I don't want to see you die.

Nagging, yelling, crying.

I can't let this destroy me.
I need to move forward in another direction.
And find who I am without this infection
of never tolerating less than perfection
as I face this life intersection
help.
I don't want to live this way.
I need to know that I'm truly okay.
To honour myself as I would a friend.
Know that imperfection doesn't mean the end.

Why can't you support me?

But your support, I don't need.
I'm an adult with my own two feet.
I'll stay strong and continue my fight
Keeping you out of sight.

Thanks for the invalidation.
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