I'm trying to shout over the screams.
Trying desperately to be heard over the blaring horns.
I try to see through the fog that strangles me.
I blink, hard, trying to get rid of the tears that swell in my eyes.
They are unwelcome,
like the troubles that caused them.
Grief
and agony
and doubt
encase my mind in impenetrable fog.
When I try to look through it, it only gets denser.
Stumbling and lurching through the mist on unsteady feet.
Screams tearing from my throat,
trying to express the agony that I feel so deeply embedded within me.
But this agony,
this pain,
this torture,
cannot be expressed,
Cannot be summarized.
The tears come in earnest, now.
Their salty taste touches my tongue and I hate that it is such a familiar taste.
Such a present taste.
The screaming won't stop.
My ears overflow with the sound.
The embodiment of my unspoken pain.
The things I have never said all shoved into one noise.
My head pounds,
all of the secrets shoving and tripping over each other,
searching desperately for a way out.
The walls that surround me squeeze.
I push and kick and claw at them,
but they stay firm.
My fists shatter.
My legs fall out from under me, giving up.
My nails are jagged.
And the wall is there,
pressing,
crushing,
trapping me.
Helpless.
Broken.
Trying to put the pieces together, but they no longer match.
Trying to find my smile, but it has fallen into the stormy seas of my anguish.
Trying,
trying,
trying.
My eternal curse.
To try, and to fail.
Trial and err
and err
after err.
A never ending circle of my torment.
They say it gets better. And I believed them. What kind of fool was I?