You burned every part of me
That you hadn't claimed for your own

You cover every page of my journal
That you'll never read
Your smile is in every photo on my camera
That you'll never look through

I keep you close
You will never know
I treasure every piece that I have of you
Photos and journal entries
All of it

The photos are tacked up on walls
That you will never see
The journal entries have become a blog
That you will never visit
And all the while
I'll be loving you

you weren't a
book for me
to read

you weren't a
movie for me
to watch

you're still being
written
you're still being
made

so am i
and i'm so sorry
for expecting
you to be
a finished product

when i sit here
on the
potter's wheel

i still wish you never showed me that song
because something so beautiful
shouldn't hurt me so much

you are my muse
but i cannot make music

you are my inspiration
but my ideas are gone

when i write for you
the words turn sour

i cannot sing for you
the notes go flat

i love you
but we do not fit together

we are puzzle pieces
that belong
in different puzzles

we do not fit

i do not fit

how long
will this song
play on repeat?

when will they
hear it?

Sadistically speaking
You're out of time
The world is shrinking
You've lost your last dime

Sadistically speaking
You've played your last round
You should stop seeking
For the approval of the crowd

Sadistically speaking
We are all dead
Or breaking
Just a group of empty heads

But if we're speaking sadistically
What's the point of anything?

If you can't look at the bright side
Why look at all?
Does it hurt your pride?
Is negativity some kind of protocol?

Save me from this battle
That I have declared
It is fierce and ******
I am trembling and scared

A knife pierces my side
An arrow reaches my heart
Please clean my wounds
Or from this life I must part

Save me from this war
This tidal wave of death
I am no longer my own ally
I'm breathing my last breath

Save me

Save me from myself

as much as i say i do,
i do not blame you
the only one i blame is me
for everything i cannot be

for all the times i've fallen short
when i couldn't think of the right retort
for every single time i cry
i only blame my own eye

when i scream your err
pay no attention
it is only lack of self care
and increasing muscle tension

When I was younger,
My temper had run out
So I took a small piece of metal
I believe it was from our fencing
I took the slender stick of metal
And I hit the tree
Again
and again
Trying to release this monster of anger that consumed
There were lines in the tree from where the metal had clashed with it
The bark split where I had hit it
I felt bad about what I had done to the poor tree
But other than that I didn't think much of it

That is until I saw it today
It has been years since I abused that tree in anger
The bark is white now,
It healed over the scratches
But you can still see through the bark where it was split
Where it was broken

I am jealous
For that is not how my scars are
My scars cannot be seen
No matter how deep down you look
My imperfections lie in my very soul
I have covered each blemish carefully
They are not visible even with the most complex microscope
The most advanced magnifying glass couldn't catch a glimpse of them

My scars will forever remain unseen

when i left my mark
i didn't think
it would be a scar

i dreamed of it being a handprint
on your heart
but i see now, that i've only cut it open

and sorry is not the bandage that i once believed it could be
time no longer the cure i had labeled it

i see now why the doctor prescribed those
shifting glances
and one word responses

because i am just a relapse waiting to happen

Sing, my love
As if you are whole
Sing, like a dove
With your whole soul

Let the melody carry you away
Let the harmony send you to a better day
Let the cadence fill you
Let the rhythm ring true

Sing, my dear
Let it wash away your pain
Sing, without fear
The air with music, you must stain

Let the melody carry you away
Let the harmony send you to a better day
Let the cadence fill you
Let the rhythm ring true

Sing, darling
No more crying
Sing, let your voice carry
To the end of infinity

i am a movie soundtrack
in the background

i make you feel things that you never notice
that you'll never even realize

i will whittle myself into your heart
but you'll never know i'm there

i stay folded within the bonds
of your unconscious emotion

you won't remember me
you won't know my tune
or my rhythm

you'll barely know i was there

but my melodies
my undertones
the cadences
that i impressed upon your soul

will forever be in your heart

when i cease to exist in your memory

I am trapped in a straitjacket
Unable to move
I may as well be in a casket

Trying to remember how I got here
Everything is so unclear
I am blindfolded and everything starts to disappear

Out of control
Out of my mind
Out of a soul

I fight against the sleeves
Thrashing, resisting
Trying so hard to leave

Doctors whispering reassuringly
But the words don't reach me
No matter how kindly

In an asylum you don't pay rent
Because you are a slave against your will
Held there just for thinking something different

Not a single letter
No one wants to talk to the insane
No one even thinks you'll ever get better

Then you lose hope in your own recovery
No one else believes it, why should you?
You forget what it is to even be free.

Alone
Forgotten
Unknown

This straitjacket gets no easier to bear
I pull and pull
But it gets no better to wear

i used to think
i was so
clever

but these tears
are evidence
of my stupidity

If p-people were forms of l-language
I-I am a stutter of a p-person
I am h-h-hesitant
I can't s-seem to ex-express m-myself
It t-takes me a while t-to get m-my p-point across
People laugh in mock-mock-mockery

If people w-were forms of language
H-he is a s-s-song
He flows
He st-stirs the bl-blood in my veins
His rhythm i-is the only thing ke-keeping my heart bea-bea-beating
People s-sing along

I-I am over-overlooked
He i-is surrounded by admirers

I am st-staring at him,
dazzled, st-struck to the b-bone in wonder
He-he-he is laughing,
warmly, dance-dancing to his own b-beat

I am an un-unfinished thought
He is th-the beauty of a-a million harmonies

I
am
b
r
o
k
e
n

He
is
u
n
t
o
u
c
h
a
b
l
e

i have to keep myself together
for everyone around
i can't let them see my tears
can't make a sad sound

i should be able to open up
but something inside me cringes at the thought
keeping me locked up
tying me up in a knot

i long to break free
of these bonds i have caged myself in
i misplaced the key
sewn shut in my own skin

i need to release this pressure
this sadness needs to escape
find air that is fresher
i can't keep fixing it with tape

i need to rip the bandaid off
**** this fake smile
i don't care how you scoff
i need to be real for a while

let me cry
let me sob
let me die
let me throb

let me break open
split apart at the seams
i feel like i'm choking
on my own unspoken screams

The warm liquid traces down my face
A deep ache follows wherever it travels
They flow like blood
Relentless
Drip
                        Drip
              ­                                               Dripping
and
Slip
                        Slip
                                                             Slipping
Salty
Like sweat
But not

Sweat is a sign that your body is getting stronger
Tears are made of your body breaking down

I wonder when all my tears will run out
When I will simply cry dust
Because the pain is too much

I wonder if one day I will drown
Suffocate
Choke
On the liquid agony that leaks from my eyes

step one.)
think. think of everything that people must hate about you.

step two.)
let it consume you until you forget to breathe

step three.)
drop microscopic hints to people that you're not okay

step four.)
breakdown when they don't get it

step five.)
make excuses for them

step six.)
fear that they do get it, but you just bother them so much that they don't care

step seven.)
stop talking

step eight.)
start overeating, or eating nothing (with practice, you may be able to do a combination of both)

step nine.)
watch tv until you fall asleep on the couch every night

step ten.)
don't shower

step eleven.)
go numb

step twelve.)
receive a notification on your phone that sends you spiraling into self loathing and wondering why the hell you did this in the first place because it doesn't make it better. it doesn't. it doesn't

step thirteen.)
feel selfish for even thinking about bothering anyone again just to satisfy your own stupid craving for attention

step fourteen.)
finally reach out

step fifteen.)
repeat steps one through fourteen. again and again and again.

step sixteen.)
die

Left my opinions at the door
No one cares what I think
There could be more left in store
But I'm standing on the brink

The brink of losing
Losing all that matters
I take my time choosing
But everything is in tatters

I'm at the brink of falling
All it takes is a breath
I'm only really stalling
My spiral into death

i used to think love was free
when you came to me
but then you had your fill
and aphrodite came back with the bill

i'm not afraid to die, love

i'm afraid to live

the clock is time
ticking away
going on without us

the hourglass is our time
draining slowly
running out grain by grain

you tipped
my hourglass
over
so that time stood still

and broke the glass at both ends
when you walked away
leaving my heart
bleeding
in the sand,

my time in a
meaningless
heap

i play a song
full of dissonant chords
but i won't stop
until the last note

because maybe
someone needs to hear a song

You can't make a storm cloud
And expect it not to rain

i am so tired
but
everything that
exhausts me
keeps me
awake
at night

On the verge of everything
On the verge of crying
On the verge of breaking
On the verge of jumping
On the verge of pulling the trigger
On the verge of swallowing the pill
On the verge of drowning
On the verge of collapsing
On the verge of not breathing

Just a breeze will ******* over

And I'll fall off of the edge