I didn’t know you
until I ripped you
from your family
and tore their world apart.

It only took seconds.

You, average and easy to miss
yet shining still, still shining
in a blur of tracksuits and hoodies
makes it harder still to see you every time.

Would I give my life to not miss again.

An ‘accident’ they say
As I am bathed in their contempt.
You must not feel ‘guilty’ but they are liars;
They, whose pain is so much bigger than mine.
But  I cannot hold the mourners’ hands
Still only grieve within

I didn’t know you
until I became consumed by you.
The dark deep hurt I am not allowed to release
no comfort in precedent or in faith
that teaches evil can be redeemed.
Only deep regret for no crime committed

The seconds it took to take our lives.

.
There is poetry in the light
Of the afterwards -
The perfect glow
When ugly scars are blurred
And words
Reach new locution
Despite our dissolution
You rest your head on my lap
and weep until your tears
become our kisses
and our solace
wet with promise
Of kinder years.

..
Rust makes weak old parts
until they crack in caustic riot.
Then slow we slough
through finite term
searching for some quiet.
Then settle in a nice safe box
to wait this whole thing out
A smile for every grateful year
prostrate to our diet.

The cello strains;
It sobs with me.
Laments a love
That cannot be.

The minor keys
that cannot sing
Play mournful notes
On broken string

Until the end of this discord
A melody worth waiting on.
Such harmony is thus restored
For I shall see my love anon.

An apple and I can go on till dinner
A kiss and I yearn to the core for another
Prompting one more still
And while I do not dwell on details of that apple
The kiss leaves me wanting

In springtime
I stopped
Talking to
You
As the bicycles whizzed by
we laughed and conceived
clandestine meetings.
I carry a lighter load now
But heavier my heart is for it.

Adorn yourself with the
uniform of contentment and
grin like the clown you are.
And look up so you might
stop tripping over opportunity
(while you always look ahead).
Making dividends for Fortune-Tellers.
Tell me, did you
mean for this insipid life
or were you just trying to avoid it?

I knew a man who wasn’t whole
A kind but troubled, gentle soul.

Words to comfort him were spoken
Yet to him they were a token
Can’t you see that I am broken?

I understand - am here to listen.
What is it that you are missing?
My head’s been heavy for a while.
It often takes a lot to smile.
But I don’t moan; It’s not my style.

With that, the man went on his way
To cope alone another day.

Sigh heavy, bang
******* the hips
and dig a hole
with all your might so
to make you sweat and
groan under the workload.
Idle isn’t lazy, it is caution.

In a ward overcrowded
Patients confounded left distressed
While overworked essentials crave rest
But the best they can do is a guess
Smiles of comfort not even seen through the screen of PPE
And machines that help them rest
As they take their last ventilated
Breath.

A big gentle man
Cracks on with his plan just
To survive as any man can
In a hotbed pandemic
Hatred endemic for his kind
Devalued in life and in death
He is stopped blind
Takes his last suffocated
Breath

A pleading young mother
Kids scream at each other
It’s all too much for dad
It’s a rage and he’s had
A few and that’s not the least
Can’t get away from the beast
She covers her bruises
Picks up her youngest
And
Hopes she can get through the worst
Hot blood on the cold knife
Sweet murdered wife takes her last
Breath

Stagnant Suffocating confinement
The unrelenting walls closing in-
Hale, exhale; Zoom yoga and baking dough
Obliged to show forget the death
For a brief moment you
Took away my
Breath.

Looking down
A spent ******
On the ground,
*******.
Giving appropriate gut
Reaction of disgust;
Lewd
Youths can’t control their lust.
As you consider the preface to
Your dawn discovery
(Made on your everyday
Medial life constitutional).
You remember
Two lovers who
Were careless -
Because young love always is.

Though she looks to you
with her dark searching eyes.
It isn’t the time now,
to say our goodbyes.

You’re still the one
who can calm all her fears.
Imagine you being
the cause of her tears.

To your most loved of all
Your princess, your light -
Be brave and stand tall,
For her alone you must fight.

Please stay around as long as you can
And think of the time when you’ll be an old man.
Of course she will be there, always your wan.
Now isn’t the time. You’re job isn’t yet done.

We were met on two shores
trying to get to the beach
we both knew the terminus
stood just out of reach
and we settled for us
with the thought in our heads
that if something improved
we’d move out of there.

Then the storm had subsided
and none of us cried it
was more than we’d hoped for
and mother just moped there for
days but we’ll raise her spirits
buy in more spirits and drink her a toast
while the waves belt the coast.

You’re driving.
The roads are autumn lined
And the windows down
Because it’s warmer today.
A hand making shapes in the breeze
And the trees are
Finished
In a  blur of crimson gold
And Neil young is singing
About a man who is old.
I still want those cowboy boots
Finally
I look up but you frown, avoid my gaze
And drive past the tack shop again!
Castles being set ablaze
Endings aren’t just for rainy days.

Selfish, you share no emotion with me
Yet greedy you take all of mine
And though one might think it,
Love’s not like the ocean
And sadly we’re now out of time.

Before I leave the corridor
I note the number on your door
Then perform my escape
Knowing it’s all for the rescue.
If I return it will be
To hear the music of the lover
To dance to one song
Then leave before it’s over.
I don’t want to brood
About what it was.
That was the time
I forgot how to work
And in the mornings
I’d make promises
We both knew would
come to nothing.
I didn’t ask though.
Except I did
And you excused
My codate mess
When you tripped over
The remnants
That you forged.
The voices told me to
Shake you off
Like the cluttering monsters.
But I run from them too.
You never know.
Next time
I might dance all
The way to the end.

Forgive me
I needed too much
I needed to soon
I wanted the sun and the stars
And the moon.

Carefully she sets the miniature stage
With mirror and moss.
Elegant almond tips
Place tiny acorn chairs,
Bloodroot and blue violet;
Even a lady’s slipper at the base
Of a matchbox bed.

Kneeling patiently
Her kind eyes smile sadly,
Watch me awkwardly take
The scene away with imagination,
My ardent offering, clumsy
Of dandelions and ***** willows
Little stones and twiggy gates.

For the faerie child too
Will help mother build a garden
I don’t want to go to the lake
I don’t want to go-
I don’t want to miss them.
For faerie-garden making
Is a lifetime spent in minutes

Masking up a disregard
for what?
I didn’t understand
for what.
To be bloodied by bare heart shard?
No deeper love in hand?
I watch you fling scorn upon my faith
As if I’m the one with the chain.
Though I can carve another path;
But for what?
That I am not eclipsed by your shame
What whittles even then
for what-
Dreams shout out the pain
And I cry for what-
A lighter crown, no easy pen
But in reverie you shall sing
And brush away the sometime king
Cast your wishbone here
Truncated untimely year.

Today I thought
How far away
Long summer days were met.
And June’s sweet blush in contrast to
This morning could not get.
I know I could be maudlin
If I think too much on this,
Hide away midwinter blues
And stew in summer’s kiss.
But I won’t pine for darling buds,
Fruit that’s yet to ripen -
No, I shall think on pleasant sleep
And tales we’ve not yet written.

For we did sometime wake
In the half lit day
Half dressed,
Half a-smile, half asleep
Deep in languor where we lay
With wooly eyelids
To be kissed gently.
So helping ourselves to each other
Until we both were empty.
And the light halved in soft refrain;
Became a painting desiring a worthy frame.

Bit far out far away
Not noticed -
Cry baby, cry to the notes of my song.
It is so pleasing
It is so wrong.
I breathe in your sober tone
I feel you drown.
Frightened of all that is new
Why can’t you take what it is that you’re due?
Didn’t mean to burn you.
Didn’t want to turn you.
Come dance grotesquely,
Come dance with delight.
?Kiss the lids of my eyes
Let me heal with my light.

I have to confess
I ain’t sleeping too well
Maybe its best that
I leave for a spell
I won’t tell you
I’m just as blind,
Just as lost as
You are kind
Worth the cost
And when we meet
you can start at my feet.

Today the unsteady ground
Hit me with the scent
that only summer brings.
Stumbling into morning
It rose like steam to baptise.

How many sleeps before
we may sleep spent?
Stricken but not ill,
Waiting for the sounds of the city,
Waking but sick still.

I sit beside you
A thousand miles away,
Holding your hand in my heart.
I can see your eyes
That can only look back
To where the sun was hot
And your childhood stretched
Beyond peace.

Until dreams undid you.
Your heart wasn’t big enough
For the monstrous three time loss.
But  the fourth broke you
And Hope eloped with Happiness.

Living became coping
And you, ever grateful for a nod.
In your prison you did your best,
But broken tools don’t always mend
You were wrong, it turns out -
Love isn’t always the answer.

..
When I needed you
You were there
Although you didn’t know it
You walked with me
I sensed your shadow
You sang to me
I sensed your air
I decided that you were there too, to protect me
But I was wrong
And it always hurts to fall.

I see you
In some flickering byzantine light.
You smile without pretence
And your tesserae image
Eclipses the others
Inspiring a sense of wonder.

If the light should cease
And you to please
Hold out your hand to me
For too much life have I, my love
My strength would I share with thee.

Reflected apparent.
A tilted eye shows long
Stupefied sadness.
And the nose, swollen where it oughtn’t to be
Squats bulbous and surrounded by age.
Coated in a fine craquelure
That won’t be restored any time.
Somehow the working of a smile forces
Furrows deeper.
There is no wisdom in the life you forfeited.
And the pain is reflected in my own record.
My image made weaker in your likeness.

I said I loved you and tried to resist marking
inappropriate gestures.
I did love you and I tried to resist.
I said I loved you and said yes when I walked down the aisle with you at your wedding.
I did love you and I said yes again and again in your cheap bed-sit.
I said I loved you and bore you children who would want for nothing.
I did love you and I presumed desire and drive to be an either or.
I said I loved you and I surrendered myself.
I did love you and I surrendered myself.
I said
I did.

See the people getting old before their time.
That’s their road but it  sure ain’t mine.
I have yet to find my glory
Make my mark
Tell my story.

Deep in thought regards herself
But beyond the glass
Dreams slip away for she’s allowed
Too much time to pass.

Their holy grails no longer rest
On distant ledges high
They were sampled long ago
But still her mouth is dry.

Life is such a precious thing.
Her counterpart agrees.
Stop holding on to yesterday.
Stop always making peace.

The dreams stamped out will be revived!
The steady breaths inhaled.
An epilogue of clarity,
A new crusade unveiled.

Memory doesn’t record the time just the moment
And although it has been forever and a day
I can recall the moment any time
And smile as I stare back at you
And move toward you until we dance together recklessly
Before it is time to stop
And return to life
But at least we have the moment -

...
Rain beats against the window
steering in the morning.
The cat,
Shadowed by the dark
and baring tiger teeth,
goads me to resist the day.
But I oppose that ever quick dawn and,
like some nighttime beastie,
Hiss back at the hairy horseshoe
For I prefer to dwell in dullness.
The feline retreats.
Now must I galvanise my senses to rouse.
else would I wallow in a soup of sadness
But looking out at the rain
I choose the soup.

Sweet morning dreaming of lake dip paddling.
The sun, barely up, warmed our skin.
You dipped your paddle in the black swirling lake
and we laughed when it dripped on my chin.
Quietly gliding we passed windbent trees
That should have been dead long ago.
They seemed to grow out of age polished stone
And you dip paddled along gently slow.
The life vest, my headrest, smelled of sweet fishy lake;
I lay on the cold metal floor.
Taking much comfort in the amplified lapping
As you paddled us on to the shore.
Then we swam to cool off while the sun climbed above
We floated the hours away.
Drifting together hands clasped and eyes closed
I look back and thank God for that day

Kiss me in the morning
Soft and dew heavy.
Linger there and let time cease
Insurance for a day’s peace.

Lying in the waking up
I see your shadow nigh
Resting sated next to me,
Can almost hear you sigh.
You joined me
Sometime in the night
And did not say goodbye.
Anointed realm, Love’s bleary sleep,
Resides yet in my eye.

The mothers who I’ve come to know
I’ve seen the distances you go.
And through the years, the laughs, the tears
We've helped each other grow.

We gripe and groan about our post
The endless everyday;
The laundry and the Sunday roast,
The hair that’s going grey

For motherhood is tough.
It is a love that paralyses.
It is selfless and its rough
And full of sacrifices.

I’ve leaned on you to see me through
When I’ve been overwrought
You’ve taught me things I felt I knew
And changed the way I thought!

Thanks for helping me endure
The coughs and sniffs, the cuts and blisters
And the confidence you’ve helped restore.
You aren’t just mums. You are my sisters.

I am not his
He does not own me
This isn’t just a phase
But I am his
For he has shown me
A path to clearer days

How dull
to be bland in disposition;
Rice pudding and careful cast.
To rarely utter opposition;
Never seeming rude or crass.
Daily wake at half past life,
Run away the tension,
Drink away the strife.
Learn the lines, keep within their border;
Domesticity, Jones, Smiths and order
Played out on a stage of lies.
When did your part smile without the eyes?
Look sideways in the stalls before you clap.
But just once try and go without a map.

Seems like the end but it never started
More reason to be so down hearted
If only there was reason
Maybe then I’d be more strong.
Still I didn’t text you, call, or write you a song.  
Doesn’t mean I didn’t think of you
Or find meaning in the smallest thing

When you were at your worst you drew my blood
Then, sensitive as a lamb did return
To lick the very wounds that you did shape.
For that did I linger, your supplicant.
You filled me when it suited you; each time
Was I left wanting and unsatisfied.
And for the beacon of hope too far off
Did I repeatedly return, prostrate.
In your presence did I forget myself
And in the glass my form returned a lie.
No likeness liked but liked the wanting still
Until with bored and carefree glance did you
Make real what was reflected all the while.

.
On a sweet apple crisp cold day we walk
When the air is acrid with distant wood smoke
And bright Leaves fall with determination 
Creating the season’s rich tapestry.

I run to keep up
Your science makes me grateful 
For the rest 
I notice still
My loose-mitted hand tentatively held out 
To all manner of wonders that
My own hasty glances would have missed.

The stream, now  
A sweet musty rug of russet rot,
Rambling with red and black fodder
For urgent little colonies of foragers
Who wait for wonders of the earth to be passed 

There are days like this
Stopped
To sip sweet tea from your flask
The ecstasy of the smallest thing
Remembered.

On a patch of the yard
Behind my house
Lives are being risked
And even lost
Nature maintains.
Each end not a spectacle
But a prelude.
This is not a subtle thing
But simply the cost
Of perpetuity.

If I had a potion to rid the world
Of this grave pestilence, happy would I
Be to freely share my draught.

If I had a notion to rid the world
Of its grim ignorance, eager would I
Be to freely share my draft.

How many sleeps before
we may sleep spent?
Stricken but not ill,
Waiting for the sounds of the city,
Waking but sick still.

Woke up from a slumber
Didn’t know that I was in
You stared my way
You took my hand
And then I led you in.

Sometimes I lie on that rug
Or in green grass
And inhale,
Inhale back to childhood days;
Some deep remembered scent
also  found
at the bottom of a sand bucket
Or in a cup of sweet tea on a cold autumn afternoon, outside.
At this time of year
I find myself being carried
By saudade
To nutcrackers and coloured lights
And the scent of cello tape and fresh paint.
Every tear wept happily
With memories of you.

In spring
you
danced strawberry meringues
While cherry blooms glittered
About you
The tree has had to grow old without you
Instead a tiny spot nearby
Under which you lie
Little profound thing
In the big green I lets the tears stream
salute the single magpie
Blossoms
Now falling drops of pain
Why did you get peace
for so many years?
In that one small spot
That yields so many tears?
Will I be brave enough to
Dig up the box
And smile at the reunion
Of little things we shared?
Your tiny fingers
wrapped around ..
my heart still
Beating instead of yours.