In spring
you
danced strawberry meringues
While cherry blooms glittered
About you
The tree has had to grow old without you
Instead a tiny spot nearby
Under which you lie
Little profound thing
In the big green I lets the tears stream
salute the single magpie
Blossoms
Now falling drops of pain
Why did you get peace
for so many years?
In that one small spot
That yields so many tears?
Will I be brave enough to
Dig up the box
And smile at the reunion
Of little things we shared?
Your tiny fingers
wrapped around ..
my heart still
Beating instead of yours.

Your figure comes into focus with confidence.
The teacher passes pencils and I unglue.
I hadn’t know the terrain
But I had scaled you.
The bell pings.
Scratching pencils playing flames.
We can share tales uneasy to tell
As shadows dance in merry games.
The fourth question is a rest.
You introduce yourself in honey voice
but I’ve known you.
The bell pings again.

Lying in the waking up
I see your shadow nigh
Resting sated next to me,
Can almost hear you sigh.
You joined me
Sometime in the night
And did not say goodbye.
Anointed realm, Love’s bleary sleep,
Resides yet in my eye.

That winter was not cold enough for snow.
But the spring brought an unexpected storm
That carpeted early flowering bulbs;
A full winter’s worth made hearths ever warm.
Half life of ice around hearts cold and worn.
Of fingers interlaced
Of you and me
So intensely life was brought back to life.
We melted each other in those spring days.
Coolest adults found ablaze in delight
When dark spring usurped the cold light that year;
When it brought neighbours briefly together
Until snow became slush and unwanted -
That pretender whose timing was all wrong.
You said “you can’t blame the seasons, you know”.
But I won t  forget the thrill of spring snow.

On a patch of the yard
Behind my house
Lives are being risked
And even lost
Nature maintains.
Each end not a spectacle
But a prelude.
This is not a subtle thing
But simply the cost
Of perpetuity.

We were met on two shores
trying to get to the beach
we both knew the terminus
stood just out of reach
and we settled for us
with the thought in our heads
that if something improved
we’d move out of there.

Then the storm had subsided
and none of us cried it
was more than we’d hoped for
and mother just moped there for
days but we’ll raise her spirits
buy in more spirits and drink her a toast
while the waves belt the coast.

We kissed on the brink
of catastrophe
(so please don’t think
you have to look after me).
You were a holy man
With the spirit of a child
When I surrendered,
Barefaced, beguiled.
I didn’t have a choice.
Then you gave me words
But you took away my voice.

How many sleeps before
we may sleep spent?
Stricken but not ill,
Waiting for the sounds of the city,
Waking but sick still.

Reflected apparent.
A tilted eye shows long
Stupefied sadness.
And the nose, swollen where it oughtn’t to be
Squats bulbous and surrounded by age.
Coated in a fine craquelure
That won’t be restored any time.
Somehow the working of a smile forces
Furrows deeper.
There is no wisdom in the life you forfeited.
And the pain is reflected in my own record.
My image made weaker in your likeness.

The mothers who I’ve come to know
I’ve seen the distances you go.
And through the years, the laughs, the tears
We've helped each other grow.

We gripe and groan about our post
The endless everyday;
The laundry and the Sunday roast,
The hair that’s going grey

For motherhood is tough.
It is a love that paralyses.
It is selfless and its rough
And full of sacrifices.

I’ve leaned on you to see me through
When I’ve been overwrought
You’ve taught me things I felt I knew
And changed the way I thought!

Thanks for helping me endure
The coughs and sniffs, the cuts and blisters
And the confidence you’ve helped restore.
You aren’t just mums. You are my sisters.

Today the unsteady ground
Hit me with the scent
that only summer brings.
Stumbling into morning
It rose like steam to baptise.

How many sleeps before
we may sleep spent?
Stricken but not ill,
Waiting for the sounds of the city,
Waking but sick still.

How dull
to be bland in disposition;
Rice pudding and careful cast.
To rarely utter opposition;
Never seeming rude or crass.
Daily wake at half past life,
Run away the tension,
Drink away the strife.
Learn the lines, keep within their border;
Domesticity, Jones, Smiths and order
Played out on a stage of lies.
When did your part smile without the eyes?
Look sideways in the stalls before you clap.
But just once try and go without a map.

I sit beside you
A thousand miles away,
Holding your hand in my heart.
I can see your eyes
That can only look back
To where the sun was hot
And your childhood stretched
Beyond peace.

Until dreams undid you.
Your heart wasn’t big enough
For the monstrous three time loss.
But  the fourth broke you
And Hope eloped with Happiness.

Living became coping
And you, ever grateful for a nod.
In your prison you did your best,
But broken tools don’t always mend
You were wrong, it turns out -
Love isn’t always the answer.

My skin
Once soft suppleness of youth
Now faded with callus.
Your mind
First to please, eager to prove
Grown jaded with malice.
Your hand
Soft softly stroking there
Hangs idle by your side.
And I shall not submit review  
Else would it gut my pride.

In springtime
I stopped
Talking to
You
As the bicycles whizzed by
we laughed and conceived
clandestine meetings.
I carry a lighter load now
But heavier my heart is for it.

.
There is poetry in the light
Of the afterwards -
The perfect glow
When ugly scars are blurred
And words
Reach new locution
Despite our dissolution
You rest your head on my lap
and weep until your tears
become our kisses
and our solace
wet with promise
Of kinder years.

Deep in thought regards herself
But beyond the glass
Dreams slip away for she’s allowed
Too much time to pass.

Their holy grails no longer rest
On distant ledges high
They were sampled long ago
But still her mouth is dry.

Life is such a precious thing.
Her counterpart agrees.
Stop holding on to yesterday.
Stop always making peace.

The dreams stamped out will be revived!
The steady breaths inhaled.
An epilogue of clarity,
A new crusade unveiled.

For we did sometime wake
In the half lit day
Half dressed,
Half a-smile, half asleep
Deep in languor where we lay
With wooly eyelids
To be kissed gently.
So helping ourselves to each other
Until we both were empty.
And the light halved in soft refrain;
Became a painting desiring a worthy frame.

Sometimes I lie on that rug
Or in green grass
And inhale,
Inhale back to childhood days;
Some deep remembered scent
also  found
at the bottom of a sand bucket
Or in a cup of sweet tea on a cold autumn afternoon, outside.
At this time of year
I find myself being carried
By saudade
To nutcrackers and coloured lights
And the scent of cello tape and fresh paint.
Every tear wept happily
With memories of you.

Today I thought
How far away
Long summer days were met.
And June’s sweet blush in contrast to
This morning could not get.
I know I could be maudlin
If I think too much on this,
Hide away midwinter blues
And stew in summer’s kiss.
But I won’t pine for darling buds,
Fruit that’s yet to ripen -
No, I shall think on pleasant sleep
And tales we’ve not yet written.

Before I leave the corridor
I note the number on your door
Then perform my escape
Knowing it’s all for the rescue.
If I return it will be
To hear the music of the lover
To dance to one song
Then leave before it’s over.
I don’t want to brood
About what it was.
That was the time
I forgot how to work
And in the mornings
I’d make promises
We both knew would
come to nothing.
I didn’t ask though.
Except I did
And you excused
My codate mess
When you tripped over
The remnants
That you forged.
The voices told me to
Shake you off
Like the cluttering monsters.
But I run from them too.
You never know.
Next time
I might dance all
The way to the end.

..
Rust makes weak old parts
until they crack in caustic riot.
Then slow we slough
through finite term
searching for some quiet.
Then settle in a nice safe box
to wait this whole thing out
A smile for every grateful year
prostrate to our diet.

I see you
In some flickering byzantine light.
You smile without pretence
And your tesserae image
Eclipses the others
Inspiring a sense of wonder.

If the light should cease
And you to please
Hold out your hand to me
For too much life have I, my love
My strength would I share with thee.

Then shall I sleep
With dried tears on my cheek
Cradled in memories
And set confidences.

And I shall not weep
Or strain to eat
But shall find comfort
In dreams and alliances.

I said I loved you and tried to resist marking
inappropriate gestures.
I did love you and I tried to resist.
I said I loved you and said yes when I walked down the aisle with you at your wedding.
I did love you and I said yes again and again in your cheap bed-sit.
I said I loved you and bore you children who would want for nothing.
I did love you and I presumed desire and drive to be an either or.
I said I loved you and I surrendered myself.
I did love you and I surrendered myself.
I said
I did.

..
Will you take a walk with me
Cast your gaze towards the sea
To let the day thaw for a time
And shrug off the moil
For here there is no quarrel
Just the serenity of sweet friendship sublime.

Kiss me in the morning
Soft and dew heavy.
Linger there and let time cease
Insurance for a day’s peace.

..
When I needed you
You were there
Although you didn’t know it
You walked with me
I sensed your shadow
You sang to me
I sensed your air
I decided that you were there too, to protect me
But I was wrong
And it always hurts to fall.

.
I asked you if you loved me.
You declared you did of course.
You bathed me in your holy water
And then shut off the source.

You bathed me in your holy water
To the time that I was clean.
You took possession of my sin
Since then was I redeemed.

You saved me from the living
Stopped walking with the dead.
You bathed me in your holy water
Though you never shared your bed.

I asked you did you love me.
Your answer was, ‘of course’.
You bathed me in your holy water
And then shut off the source.

Dusk falls too early now
and cloaks the land in a
cool monochrome.
Autumn is retreating
giving way to
Nature’s most unkind shift.

Adorn yourself with the
uniform of contentment and
grin like the clown you are.
And look up so you might
stop tripping over opportunity
(while you always look ahead).
Making dividends for Fortune-Tellers.
Tell me, did you
mean for this insipid life
or were you just trying to avoid it?

Sigh heavy, bang
******* the hips
and dig a hole
with all your might so
to make you sweat and
groan under the workload.
Idle isn’t lazy, it is caution.

You can have the
chairs, the bed
and the plates
But I’m keeping
the first dance,
the letters and -
those dates.

...
Rain beats against the window
steering in the morning.
The cat,
Shadowed by the dark
and baring tiger teeth,
goads me to resist the day.
But I oppose that ever quick dawn and,
like some nighttime beastie,
Hiss back at the hairy horseshoe
For I prefer to dwell in dullness.
The feline retreats.
Now must I galvanise my senses to rouse.
else would I wallow in a soup of sadness
But looking out at the rain
I choose the soup.

I didn’t know you
until I ripped you
from your family
and tore their world apart.

It only took seconds.

You, average and easy to miss
yet shining still, still shining
in a blur of tracksuits and hoodies
makes it harder still to see you every time.

Would I give my life to not miss again.

An ‘accident’ they say
As I am bathed in their contempt.
You must not feel ‘guilty’ but they are liars;
They, whose pain is so much bigger than mine.
But  I cannot hold the mourners’ hands
Still only grieve within

I didn’t know you
until I became consumed by you.
The dark deep hurt I am not allowed to release
no comfort in precedent or in faith
that teaches evil can be redeemed.
Only deep regret for no crime committed

The seconds it took to take our lives.

Masking up a disregard
for what?
I didn’t understand
for what.
To be bloodied by bare heart shard?
No deeper love in hand?
I watch you fling scorn upon my faith
As if I’m the one with the chain.
Though I can carve another path;
But for what?
That I am not eclipsed by your shame
What whittles even then
for what-
Dreams shout out the pain
And I cry for what-
A lighter crown, no easy pen
But in reverie you shall sing
And brush away the sometime king
Cast your wishbone here
Truncated untimely year.

Though she looks to you
with her dark searching eyes.
It isn’t the time now,
to say our goodbyes.

You’re still the one
who can calm all her fears.
Imagine you being
the cause of her tears.

To your most loved of all
Your princess, your light -
Be brave and stand tall,
For her alone you must fight.

Please stay around as long as you can
And think of the time when you’ll be an old man.
Of course she will be there, always your wan.
Now isn’t the time. You’re job isn’t yet done.

The cello strains;
It sobs with me.
Laments a love
That cannot be.

The minor keys
that cannot sing
Play mournful notes
On broken string

Until the end of this discord
A melody worth waiting on.
Such harmony is thus restored
For I shall see my love anon.

Bit far out far away
Not noticed -
Cry baby, cry to the notes of my song.
It is so pleasing
It is so wrong.
I breathe in your sober tone
I feel you drown.
Frightened of all that is new
Why can’t you take what it is that you’re due?
Didn’t mean to burn you.
Didn’t want to turn you.
Come dance grotesquely,
Come dance with delight.
?Kiss the lids of my eyes
Let me heal with my light.

I knew a man who wasn’t whole
A kind but troubled, gentle soul.

Words to comfort him were spoken
Yet to him they were a token
Can’t you see that I am broken?

I understand - am here to listen.
What is it that you are missing?
My head’s been heavy for a while.
It often takes a lot to smile.
But I don’t moan; It’s not my style.

With that, the man went on his way
To cope alone another day.

.
On a sweet apple crisp cold day we walk
When the air is acrid with distant wood smoke
And bright Leaves fall with determination 
Creating the season’s rich tapestry.

I run to keep up
Your science makes me grateful 
For the rest 
I notice still
My loose-mitted hand tentatively held out 
To all manner of wonders that
My own hasty glances would have missed.

The stream, now  
A sweet musty rug of russet rot,
Rambling with red and black fodder
For urgent little colonies of foragers
Who wait for wonders of the earth to be passed 

There are days like this
Stopped
To sip sweet tea from your flask
The ecstasy of the smallest thing
Remembered.

Carefully she sets the miniature stage
With mirror and moss.
Elegant almond tips
Place tiny acorn chairs,
Bloodroot and blue violet;
Even a lady’s slipper at the base
Of a matchbox bed.

Kneeling patiently
Her kind eyes smile sadly,
Watch me awkwardly take
The scene away with imagination,
My ardent offering, clumsy
Of dandelions and ***** willows
Little stones and twiggy gates.

For the faerie child too
Will help mother build a garden
I don’t want to go to the lake
I don’t want to go-
I don’t want to miss them.
For faerie-garden making
Is a lifetime spent in minutes

Looking down
A spent ******
On the ground,
*******.
Giving appropriate gut
Reaction of disgust;
Lewd
Youths can’t control their lust.
As you consider the preface to
Your dawn discovery
(Made on your everyday
Medial life constitutional).
You remember
Two lovers who
Were careless -
Because young love always is.

I am not his
He does not own me
This isn’t just a phase
But I am his
For he has shown me
A path to clearer days

Forgive me
I needed too much
I needed to soon
I wanted the sun and the stars
And the moon.

You’re driving.
The roads are autumn lined
And the windows down
Because it’s warmer today.
A hand making shapes in the breeze
And the trees are
Finished
In a  blur of crimson gold
And Neil young is singing
About a man who is old.
I still want those cowboy boots
Finally
I look up but you frown, avoid my gaze
And drive past the tack shop again!
Castles being set ablaze
Endings aren’t just for rainy days.