I miss my mother most
when I'm in her frenetic company.
Such an angry fragile woman
in the shadow of the mum
she used to be.
Lost and alone, wanting a way home,
one woman against the world
with no old friends
only fresh new foes.

She can identify every shifting lie
sitting scared with no escape
from a hundred shifty eyes.
Stalkers criticise every mistake
watching her practice looping moves
cornering her as if to prove
that we're all conspiring
each trying to rob her
when the screaming truth here
is that her fleeting thoughts
have already gone where
we can never walk
not even in our tears.

Mum was never happier
Than when supping tea with friends
Sharing well worn wisdom
Seen through a mother's lens

I can't deny I was a teary child
And when mum heard me sobbing
She'd make dash, be there in a flash
And smother me with hugging

Mum'd appear when needed most
She had a mother's sonar
A way of sensing where and when
We would really need her

Mum had a knack of persuading dad
That it really would be best
To not shout, to let me be
And let me stay half dressed

Mum would know where to find me
When it was time for tea
And it was worth being found
Not staying an absentee

Fish fingers at least once a week
Followed by artic roll
Bangers and mash, bubble and sqweak
Don't expect a finger bowl

Mum made each birthday special
She knew how to stretch the budget
She'd sit each month with my dad
And work out how to fudge it

I wouldn't be this man today
If it wasn't for my mum
Her care and warmth, her smile and love
Gave me my foundation

So this mother's day let me say
If your mum is still around
Make sure she knows down to her toes
Just how much she's loved.

Your songs sweeten this bitter passing,
   Lord, rudder me through to calmer waters.
Your words secure my departing,
   Lord, restore my shredded sails
For this last crossing.

But first let me stay a story longer,
Tell me tales from our voyage together:
Of past storms soothed,
Of old foes bested.
   Lord, ready me to weather this course
To its end.

Father is a verb
It's not a noun to be worn like some crown
It's not an honorific
It's a doing word beyond what you do with your ****
It's not some name that you automatically deserve
Believe me, fathering is a lifetime of a verb

And when you fast
Sate your hunger
With more of the Father

And when you fast
Weld it as a weapon
And prepare for battle
For his coming kingdom

And when you fast
Fast with intent
Ignore your stomachs dissent
And listen to reflect
And listen to expect
More than you had dreamt

And when you fast
Take your fill
Of all that he has in store
For yours and you

And whenever you fast
However you fast
Don't be downcast
Fast with a laugh

And when you give
Give like the widow

And when you give
Give til you giggle

And when you give
Give til you've pasted a smile
On every angel within a mile

And when you give
Keep the others guessing
Keep it between you and heaven
Cos you know that's better than
A here and now blessing

When you give
Give like the widow
Keep it on the down-low
However you live
Just give

Not sinking
But making waves

Not the end
But a brand new start

Not a dead sacrament
But a living parable
Of the grace of God
Of the love of Christ
Of the empowering of the Holy Spirit

Not a "I'll try"
But a "I do"

In the name of the Father
The Son
And the Holy Spirit

AMEN.

Her's is a heart beat of hope
Hesitant but defiant
Faint but climbing
Gaining a higher hold
Gasping for deeper breath
Crawling into life
Into new born surprise
Shocked lungs shooting cries
Generating joy-deep sighs
From two families
For life

I dwell in possibility.
- Emily Dickinson

I dwell in the possibilities birthed by the daily Immanuel
I dwell in the possibilities whispered by the wonderful Counsellor
I dwell in the possibilities wrought by the almightiest God
I dwell in the possibilities perpetuated by the everlasting Father
I dwell in the possibilities secured by the Prince of all peace makers
And I dwell with Him where all things have possibilities

I sit face to face, the stage set
For stories to fill the space
Free to meander through my head
The voice on the page
Leaves nothing unsaid
Revealing the reflection of a me
That I so dearly want to be
Seeing what was once misread
Refusing to be so badly misled
Sighted on the possibility
Of life in step with a golden thread
The voice on the page
Lifts free and I find myself
In every word he said
Ready for a fresh first person
In my very own new narrative.

And when you pray
Ask from your heart
And when you pray
Seek from your soul
And when you pray
Sniff around without ceasing
Through your tears
To find the doors
That He has prepared
To brand new frontiers
For His pioneers.
And then -
Knock.

B-stream Steve looked both ways
Longing for what he saw.
Thinking he'd be much happier
With those boys he held in awe.

Instead he floundered midstream
Never quite feeling satisfied
Telling himself that one day soon
He'd climb or slowly slide.

B-stream Steve looked both ways
And found as he got older
The gulfs between a, b and c
Were more in the eye of the beholder.

While streaming helped those in charge
He needed to keep in mind
A boy in the middle was much better placed
To befriend those ahead and behind.

"Steve" is a diamond geezer
"Stevie" can do no wrong
"Stephen" is in real trouble
But they all just want to get along

So whatever you think of him
Whenever he comes into sight
He'll give you a hug and he'll buy you a drink
And you'll be in for a heck of a night

Not a brave fight,
But a certain defeat.
Not heroic acts,
But daily surrender.
Not a close race,
But the frustration of consecutive false starts
And inevitable disqualification
And slow expulsion from this life
With no fanfare, but with a sob and a sigh
That sank like a stone
And pulled her family down
Around her
Each soaked in stunned silence
Engulfed by their memories
Of lost opportunities
Looking for resolve to do better
Somehow.
And only, eventually, finding hope
In each other
In the shared endeavour
To love one another, together
As she once did a forever ago.
Our mother could fill
A cup of tea with love
Like no other.

Colour me optimistic
But I think I'm gonna make it
Gonna take that ridge
And prove to the fatalistics
That nothing's out of reach
If you stick at it
- And you're a little opportunistic.

You say it's not much
But it's all relativistic
So please don't begrudge me
My uncharacteristic
Success this last week:
I did loose a little
weight.

Her string of choice words rose and fell
Wrapping themselves around my eager ears,
Like the rise and fall of her pearls
Drawing my young eyes,
Like the swarm of her subtle scents
Filling my brimming heart,
Like nothing I had ever heard or seen or felt.
I was captive, she was captor
And oblivious to the spell that held me to her
As she handed my father our room key
And breathed her welcome to Leigh-on-sea.

The world no longer fits.
Friends like fleece
Family like well worn wool
Triple wrapped for winter
Tea that's brewed stronger
None can now heal her

A smile to light the day
A hug to last the night
A keeper of peace
And ender of fights.

The world ill fits her
Her anchor won't hold any longer
She's lost and bewildered
No longer graceful as she grows older
And there's only this frail shadow
Of the woman I still ache to know
Mum, I miss you
Where have you gone to?

The morning rained.
Down in the basement he lay flattened by bad luck and worse judgement.
The morning rained.
Despair seeped under the broken sill as his drained accounts stared back blankly and forcasted worse to come.
The morning rained.
Grey skies cut off the last hint of a silver lining.
The morning rained.
And he cried floods.

The stone shimmers,
Giving pause to my blisters,
Until momentum decides
And sole is met by wet promise
Half submerged by passing doubts
And so hope clasps joy with a cold gasp,
Gifting courage
For the next leg.

Happy-nings are those best
Kind of kindlinesses
That friends bring into my lonelinesses
When sadnesses are looming
Threatening to drown my hoping
And clip my wings so bringing
Me so low, I'm crashing not landing.

But lifting my eyes,
I'm seeing from where
My help is truely coming.
So I'm thanking the One
Who is overseeing
The mounting and never-ending
Coming-and-goings,
With happy-nings that are everlasting.

Live out
Live loud
Live strong
And those like you
Will laugh in relief
That they are not alone
That they like you
Can be who they were born to be
And can do what they came in this world to do

The bass bassoon is poised
And the penny whistle too
And when the families converge
You hear under the hullabaloo
The sweetest harmony
Absent of cacophony
Because you see
There's one thing that we rely upon
Everyone of us has an eye on
The front man who bears the baton
As he grips our attention
For no matter how long
Directing us as instruments
Of righteous passion.
This is his signature song,
So lead on dear maestro,
Lead on!

Go empty handed and be fruitful
Lay on hands and be liberal
When you pour your oil
Spit in the soil if you have to
Whatever it takes to
Bring healing and restoration
To those who have a notion
To listen to you who I have chosen
To bring good news to the nations.
And to each family which shows willing
Give greetings
With a voice ringing
True and bringing
Peace and blessings
To all who reside in their dwelling
For you are a herald of the most high King
Sent to ensure His shalom and kingdom
Hits home before you move on.
Go empty handed and be fruitful
Lay on hands and be liberal
When you pour your oil
Spit in the soil if you have to
Whatever it takes....

The inner city rose garden
Rested high above the fumes
Soaking in the filtered sunlight
Like the tired old lady on her balcony
After her third marriage:
Still colourful
Still fragrant
And not without her unfair share of thorns.

Lord, save us from our pygmy dreams
That bear fruit long before
We leave safe harbour.
Send us out to only come back home
Once we have defeated land-locked fear,
Hurdled every heaving horizon
And found the stars.

We'll return to show you
Our deep wild bruises
And war torn scars.
We'll submit our worn down egos
And weathered souls.
And only then gladly enter
Eternal harbour.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven;
Light of the sun,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of the wind,
Depth of the sea,
Stability of the earth,
Firmness of the rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me;
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's hosts to save me
Afar and anear,
Alone or in a mulitude.

Christ shield me today
Against wounding
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in the eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through the mighty strength
Of the Lord of creation

Don't mess with the monkeys
Don't lie with the lions
Don't rile the rhinos
Don't pet the panthers
Don't side with the snakes
Don't tangle with tigers
Don't hassle the hawks
But please do
Savor the zoo.

The future's bleak
The future's orange

If you must breathe
Do it deeply

If you must cry
Do it openly

If you must laugh
Do it heartily

If you must run
Run with me

If you must hide
Hide in me

If you must believe
Believe in me

If you must,
And you must,
Do so now.

Next time we meet we'll be dancing.
Callous cancer stole so much,
But not your beauty,
Not your love,
Not your name written in the Book of Life.

Next time we'll be dancing.
We'll have forgotten our tears,
Our anguish,
Our defenceless clenched fists,
Beside the silent plastic bed.

Next time
We'll be too distracted by wonder
To recall any of this.
We'll be too busy dancing.
See on the dance floor, Lorraine.

Don't feed the hate
Feast with family

Don't plant bombs
Work the garden

Don't plot and scheme
Follow God's path

Don't believe the hipe.
Believe the Hope.

Don't hope against hope
Place hope in the Truth

Don't trust fleeting feelings
Trust your Father

Look around.
In a very short time
This will be a long time ago.
Your eyes will be full of the present
Your mind will reach
And fail
To recall your passion
Your impulse.
Only the bruises will remain
And the ricochete
Of your man sized dreams
Off hard-won love.

Deep purple rainbows ground
Through my isolation
Their road-show resonating
And shaking my status quo haven
Singing rivals' swan song
Building a Rushmore-strong
More resilient rock song
Taking me on to the next page
As I was swept along
And came of age
Relishing my discovery
Of a wider stage
With so much more
Than three-cord monotony.

Attributed to Sir Francis Drake.

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.

His still, small whispers melt into my mind
Like hot chocolate at dusk
Like a welcoming morning mocha aroma,
With an embrace louder than dawning fears;

Not demanding, but offering healing,
Inspiring and revealing -
Like a balm to my bruises
Like a brace to my body.

And so trembling, I wrap the echo of his words
Around my weary soul
But my weak heart
Cannot hold his words
As I bump and brush
Against other fragile hearts.

But still I sit in his serene shade
And he breaths these enveloping words:
"I understand."
And so I rest in his soft strong arms.

This is me
This is who I am -
No-one will ever mute
The real and present me.
I am here to display
So stay close and pay heed
To the true me.

No,
Not 'a little down' -
But ravaged
By a relentless demon
Of depression
Eating at my mind
Never satisfied
Robbing me of focus
Sapping me of strength
To push back the covers
Never mind the tougher challenge
Like eating
And deciding what to wear.
Maybe tomorrow
Will be better
Lighter
A harbinger of greater
Hope.
No, not 'a little down'
But a long way further deeper
With a frayed rope
Of a hand holding mine
Relentless in its determined
Caress.
God Bless you for being there
Please hold on.

Persistent ill-will
Will fester and creep
Deeper.
It will reopen old wounds
And keep seeping down
Dragging down
Happy to knuckle down
To a common level
That we can all disagree upon,

While nurtured good will
Can soften all sorts of ill designs
With a front-line grace,
That keeps pace with a peace
That salves injury
And deftly soothes
Each latent misery
Paving a way for relief that thwarts
Any undermining sneak-behind thievery
So weep no more
And shred that unbelief:
This is where Hope is chief.

Bare clean carpets
Make for a lonely house
But big boot prints
Means Santa Klaus

Somehow has delivered
To every household
His bones they creak
But don't feel the cold

He dresses in red
With a bottomless sack
He has quick feet
And a broad strong back

He works his magic
Year after year
Then races home
For a well earned beer

He guards our dreams
For a kinder world
Saint Nick he delivers
He never gets old 

So this Christmas
Open your mind
Stand with Santa
And break out the Kind.

May the Lord embrace you
And keep you close
May His kisses rest on your face
And give you assurance of his Grace
That will never cease
To lay down with you
And push away your aloneness
So that His Peace can increase
Until life gives you release
Into His everlasting presence.
Amen.

I sit, staring through my tears,
still, against the quiet groaning of a heart
which weeps way beyond my reach,
lost within her fears and aloneness,
only tethered to this world
by a frayed grasp of my hand.
and so I hold on.

I lay staring,
Still against the quiet groaning of a heart
Which weeps way beyond my reach,
Sighing beyond the shallows
Where I hide.

Reasons to be tearful
1 2 3 daughters
Sitting in Bay 3 in A&E;
Praying for recovery
With oxygen and tlc.
The drip drip hangs silently
While she lays restless
In a bed that's temporary
Leaving everything unsaid
Leaving nothing unsaid
Punctuated with apology.
Cursing the immodest gown
That's flapping around
Dozing within the bustle around
Her exhaustion and frustration
Tainting all conversation
While her smile's still strong
Between episodes of expletion.
Doctors come doctors go
Nurses stay longer than they ought to
Breaking rules to console
While our mum offers up
'I'm sorry' from her heart
And we know this is just the start
Of a brand new hurt.

I believe baubles have way too much glitter,
That another new year won't make it all better.

I believe turkey tastes bland without stuffing,
That my secret santa was better than nothing.

That rich Christmas pud needs a helping of cream,
That thin paper hats are a waste by design.

I believe parties can get out of hand,
That more still silent nights need to be planned.

I believe Christmas can bring people down,
That relentless fake smiles hide many a frown.

Happy Christmas to all and to all my best wishes,
May your Christmas be more than all merry wet kisses.

A cool breeze of relief
Blows through my fears,
Bringing perspective
And a light shade of assurance.
So while I still feel
The taunts of the monster,
Her voice has grown fainter
Because you now hold my hand.

Confine your creativity
Limit originality
Dare to be different
But don't dispute authority

Blue sky thinking
With a few scattered brainstorms
Is no substitution
For you sticking to the norm

We do value change here
In its right place
Just so long as you ensure
It doesn't leave a trace.

I haven't got to where I am
Without these simple laws
Now that's enough chat
Let's get on and wash the floors.

The Vegan King
Looked across the table
At his son,
Wondering where he had gone
So wrong
And what would become
Of his kingdom
Once he had passed on
His mantle
To a vegetarian.

Stubborn love
faced down the years
of fearful hate
and stared intently as a child
from the stink of a manger
out into the poverty and
the oppression reflected
in captive eyes,
wide with hope
and wet with joy.

Generous love
cried out an almighty peace
into the dark stillness,
heralding a new start
with echoes of ancient promise.

Patient love
reached out with perfect timing
and embraced humanity.

Unfailing love.
Unfailing still.

I recall the succulent
All Day Breakfast Sandwich
With its delicious twin slices
Of pure white bread,
Infused with Heize baked bean juice,
Cushioning the crisp smoked
Sweet cured bacon,
Nestled against the bite
Of pork chipolatas
And the soft free range
Hard boiled eggs,
All seasoned with sea salt
Black pepper
Tomato sauce
Dijon mustard and
Mayonnaise.
And now sustaining me
All Day.

Behind the lacerated curtain
Assembled in triumph
We gorge on holy manna
Left by those who went before,
Behind the fire and the cloud.

We know one another
By the stone, pure and white,
More precious than any discarded crowns.
And we laugh loud with full mouths
At the names scribed by our Father,
While the angels just shake their heads and smile.