Dare
To
Believe
In You

Sometimes
Choose
Peace

I hate the smell of your breath
It reminds me of the times that we kissed

I have never been able
to tell you my left from right
I use a scar as a marker
to help me remember
when you say "turn right"

Which made it ever more
difficult when trying to decide
Should I have left?
Or are we right for one another?

I can't see the scars
on my heart
to give me a direction
I know they are there
*but which way
do I turn

The heat in the room is smoldering
sweat beads on my forehead
and the fan can't keep up with the rising heat of summer
Her arms are still covered though
and i start to wonder
Who hurt her so bad?
So bad that tears weren't enough
that only a blade could make her feel
Human again
So bad that the pain couldn't all be held in one place
So bad that the scars on the inside had to reveal themselves
to the outside worls

The disappointment of your own mistakes
Is greater than any let down from a friend
It is a cruel reminder that sometimes
you aren't capable of accomplishing
everything you set out to do
and that sometimes its yourself that gets in the way
and the worst part is you have no one to blame

I stand in the back of the crowd
looking around
is anyone really here
or am i seeing shadows
because surely these people aren't real
With their smiling faces
in the midst of a war
With diamonds and pearls
hanging from their necks
in a time where money is rare
They must be shadows
I can promise you they aren't real

I met a broken boy
who used to love a broken girl
But her sharp edges
had finally scraped is heart
and he went running away

I used to think
I was good with glue
So I learned to love
this broken boy and his fragile pieces
as I put them back together

But once he was whole he ran away
Back to the broken girl
who he loved so dearly

It wasn't until his absence
that i looked in the mirror
And realized I was in pieces
cut up by the boy who
I tried so hard to help
him unaware of how much he hurt me

I tried to glue me back together
But I learned it to be impossible
In such a short period of time
So my broken self pretended to be whole

A new boy came into my life
he hasn't seen my cracks
hasn't felt the sharp edges
barely knows who I am

My fear is that I will break him
and the trend will continue
but i don't want that to happen

I want to love him

I know I shouldn't
but I will wait
she isn't forever
maybe I'm not either
but our journey together
isn't over

When she forgets to text you back
When she forgets your birthday
When she forgets to love you

I will be waiting
and our journey can resume

There aren't many days
in which your presence
couldn't improve the quality
but some days
I can feel your absence

As we sit around the dinner table
and talk about our days
I yearn to hear how yours was

While we smoke by the fire
it feels as though
we are missing something

There are moments
that are so deafeningly silent
that they scream your name

It's as though we still expect
to hear your voice
fill in the pauses in conversation

It is always the little moments
the casual gatherings
beer in hand

those are the moments
that you live for
and taught me to appreciate

Simple
you said
lets keep it simple
so we did
we loved
simply
we worried
rarely
we cared
deeply

then
something changed
and it wasn't
so simple
anymore

and we may be
great at simple
but terrible
at complex

can we
go again
my love
to simple
simple love

Blue all around us
and the waves come crashing down
we both start taking in water our lungs gasping

We had been so strong
Every time it rained
One pulling up the other
And together staying afloat

But this was no sunday shower
this was a hurricane
and we were both sinking in the sea

I grabbed ahold of his hand
Latching ourselves together
Becoming anchored to each other
And dragging one another down

Water above, below, all around
my lungs on fire
and my eyes searching for air

All at once his hand let go
I grasped for it once again
But he was gone and swimming
So I had to do the same

The water fell back to reveal a dark grey sky ready to cry
my lung filled with oxygen once again but
my heart filled with fear as i saw the rain to come

Barely able to keep myself afloat
I started searching for him
But set in between us was the storm of a life
That neither of us knew how to navigate

The wind and waves pulling in and out
making this ocean seem like a horrifying nightmare
that had not long before been such a dream

The storm would pull one of us in
The other jumping in to save the day
But we could not seem to escape
This hurricane that had engulfed our lives

So we kept wading in the water
hoping for the storm to pass
so we could again see one another

I am on the other side of this thing
Not to say I am over it
But I can see things clearer
My thoughts aren't fogged
with a billion emotions
And I now see that
     You needed this
     I needed this
     We needed this
As much as I miss you
I am happy to have been
apart from you as well
To do things on my own for a while
be spontaneous
Not worry about anothers opinion

And although the future is still a mystery to me
**I know that I am where I need to be right now

We dreamed a lot
We dreamed together
Letting our minds wander
into a state of bliss, far away from reality
We dreamed of places we would visit
Of the accomplishments we would have together
We dreamed that the world was ours
and together nothing was impossible
Our dreams were crisp and beautiful
no imperfections or flaws
just exquisite ideas to keep us going
But our dreams were too perfect
and when I had to say goodbye
to the idea of you and I
I ripped our dreams in half
so you could keep yours and I could keep mine
and I clung to this partial dream
As if it were my destiny

I am realizing now it may have never been mine
only a way for me to fit into your dreams
and I don't want to carry around this hope of yours
I want to create my own path
I want to dream up my own future

Our relationship took a bullet
It went strait for me
but it wasn't a fatal wound
I didn't get hit in the heart
I was shot in the stomach
You could have saved me
**but instead
you left me to bleed out

This isn't you
Don't you see
you are just a shell
of who you used to be

The free spirit being
chained by worries
that doesn't seem
right to me

The future is all just a tangle
of what we do not know
and uncertainty is prevalent
anywhere someone lets it be

But it will eat you up
from the inside out
tear your heart in two
Because no one knows
*What the future may hold

Some thoughts come out
Like persuasive businessmen
Convincing you to buy something
you didn't even know existed

And other thoughts come out
Like stumbling drunks
On cold Thursday nights
Lonely and confused, with nowhere to go

Maybe our souls are connected in some way
How else could this be
How else would you know how to calm me
Or hold me just right
Tight in your arms at night
Our conversations are like no other
Going on for hours about nothing and everything

Maybe I'm just like the rest of them
Lost in the blindness of an infatuation
That I have mistaken for adoration
But it would be hard for me to deny
That sometimes I think you are *the one

I always thought my mother was rigid
harsh
rude
and unforgiving
when it came to outsiders
she didn't put up with people if she didn't feel like it
she never let people ******* her
she was confrontational
and I didn't understand
I just thought she was stubborn
but maybe
she had just been run over
enough times
that she wasn't willing
to let someone throw her under the bus
maybe she could see it coming
when someone wasn't being real with her
maybe she had the right
to stand up for herself

Together we strode through the park
Gathering the sweet scent of spring
The flowers had blossomed and the birds were singing
It was a beautiful day, just you and I

I picked flowers all along the trail
But only one I kept
It sat in my room but not unnoticed
The scent on its own could draw anyone in
Not to mention its captivating beauty

As each day got warmer spring was forgotten
And summer dawned with a force unlike any other
The spring flower slipped through the cracks
It was nearly forgotten

One scorching day I unearthed it from its den
The fragrance was no longer what it had been
This flattened flower was no longer alive
But it's beauty still shined rough
And I realized this flower was me and you

If I were a tree
I would sway in the wind
Letting my leaves tremble and shake
Feeling the freedom of air all around them
For just a moment
they would understand the birds
The thrill of freely flying through the air
with nothing to ground them

I would let the birds
sit on my branches
feeling for a second
what it is like
to be supported, to be rooted
to have something to keep you from falling

Each will envy the other
not realizing what they have
would be a dream to another

What I know about him
1. His favorite color is grey
2. The body wash/shampoo he uses is called timber
3. His boxers are very comfy
4. His birthday is Halloween
5. He is a big blues fan
6. He played hockey for a very long time
7. He loves traveling
8. He loves the outdoors
9. Fashion has never been important to him
10. He takes a long time to think
11. There is no one I would rather be with
12. He is more emotional than I am at times
13. His feet are very ticklish
14. He grew up in a private school in STL
15. He is as confused by the church as I am
16. His eyelashes are longer than mine
17. His eyes are beautiful
18.   He hates the cold
19.   He believes in meaningful friendships
20.   He enjoys taking pictures but doesn't think he is very good
21.   He knows a lot of random trivia
What I love about him
1. He cares about people
2. The way he smells
3. What he wants for his future
4. How willing he is to give
5. That he lets me borrow his clothes
6. He is always up for an adventure
7. When he cares he cares deeply
8. He wants to save the world
9. He loves God
10. His family is amazing
11.   Even when he made mistakes his intentions were never malicious
12.   I know he will always be there for me
Ways I could love him better
1. Ask more questions
2. Have more patience
3. Don’t interrupt
4. Listen to what he is saying
What I don’t like**
1. He uses alcohol as a way to escape from his feelings/problems
2. He is always in pain, and you always know when he is in pain
3. The way he yells at his mom
4. Abi (his ex)

smoke fills my lungs
as i walk through the halls
making it difficult for me to breathe
i navigate the house from memory
my eyes being blinded
by the bright light of the fire
mixed with ashes floating near by
i make it past the kitchen and living room
into the long hall
where i am finally able to take a deep breathe
i peer into my room
smoke lingers but fire has yet to destroy
the things i own
as i move to my brothers room
there is astonishingly little smoke
his room is untouched
but as i make my way toward my parents room
the smoke thickens
and i disappear into a haze of ash, smoke, and heat
i find my mom at the far end of the room
looking out the window
we stand there together and watch
as children play in the street
as neighbors walk past
seemingly unaware of the flames engulfing the house

The sun shone day in and day out
working all through the night
to keep the moons light alive

The sun became lonely all by himself in the sky
with only a few clouds floating by
Whilst the moon had stars a million
shining through the night to keep her company

The sun couldn't help but feel like maybe
she didn't need him
maybe all that effort he put in
was nothing more than wasted energy

Slowly he exited
each night giving her a little less light

She began to shrink
curling in on herself
until she faded completely

What the sun didn't realize
was that although there may be other stars around
he was the only one for her

It wasn't his sparkling blue eyes
It wasn't his smile that lit up my day
It wasn't his shoulders that I cried on
It wasn't his strong hands that held on to mine

It was never any of these things
It was always his heart

From the moment I saw it I fell in love

I think we forget
to take pleasure in the small things

If we listened to rain
as if it were a symphony of angels
Maybe we wouldn't mind so much
if our plans got rained out

If we watched each sunset
as if we might never see another again
Maybe we would notice
how beautiful it really is

If we took in every compliment
without hesitation
Maybe we would realize
that we really are beautiful

But we tend to shrug these off
instead of really enjoying them

keeps me in a trance
somewhere between consciousness
and dreaming
I lay there
replaying every moment
        we spent together
reliving every sweet moment
        our bodies touched
and I still wonder
why I wasn't good enough for you

Politics jut aren't my thing
I don't care who you vote for
I won't judge you based on your political party

but I do want to say

That is hurts me to see
so many Americans be so callous and rude
to others based on their religion or race
to watch others suffer
in countries where their leaders
are committing genocide
and when their last hope is
to run away from their home, family
everything that they've ever known
in hopes of finding safety
in hopes that they may be able to survive without fear
but then they are met with cruelty at our borders
hate in our country

What does America stand for
if not freedom and hope?
Is the American dream dead?

Bad love will hurt you
it will crush you into tiny pieces
make you into someone
you don't even recognize
it'll bring you to your wits end
you will bleed out all your love
trying to give them everything, anything
just so you feel loved back

but healthy love will heal you
make you feel complete
and capable

You say you are in love
but it looks an awful lot like agony
there are moments when I see
the smiles on your faces
the cute little notes
reminding each other
that you are loved
but it hurts me when I can hear
you screaming at her
and her yelling back
when she storms out of a room
and you have to take care of her
when you say "let me ask her if I can"
as if she owns you

Maybe I am just too close to you
I only hear when things are wrong
cause when they are right you are with her
but I want true love for you
and I am afraid
you will stick with comfort
because it's easier than being alone
and wondering
if that was your only shot

Love was never
the way my parents held hands

Love was never
The look in their eyes at a moment of togetherness

Love was never
meant when the word was uttered at the end of a phone call

But Love was always there
In many ways that I will never understand
She loved him so much
that she would put him before her
even though he never did the same
She loved him so much that she could hardly
utter a word of negativity of him
without backtracking to positivity
Loving him meant
that she got torn down day after day
but didn't hesitate to build him back up
She loved him in a way that tore her apart
She loved so deeply that she would never come back

It was curious to me
That he told me his deepest secrets
And trusted me
He didn't even say
don't tell anyone
He just trusted whole heartedly
Everything he had kept inside
Boiling up for years
Close to exploding out of him
But now that it is out
He never says for it to stay between us
He just assumes it will
No one has ever trusted me like this
I like it

The smell of sewer wafts through the air
Giving a beautiful view
An unbearable stench
Smoke fills in the spaces between peoples faces
The crowd filling in every space in the street
Leaving little room to walk
Just to watch as you slowly shuffle along
Store windows filled with souvenirs
The kind people bring back for friends they care little about
I watched as wooden dolls and straw hats are hustled to passerbys
Then something catches my eye
Tea
Only you know why

My soul is broken
It hurts all the time
Sometimes it drips sadness
From my eyes

The only thing worse than being hurt is knowing you are hurting someone else