i remember trying to convince you when you were at 50/50 to take me back when you're the one that broke my heart
i remember begging and now i am mad
IM MAD AT MYSELF
cause like you said i have no control
i have no control of my thoughts even that i didn't know what was wrong last night
i don't know
YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
but i'm afraid you will leave
not for someone else
not because you got bored
but because you can't handle me
you don't love me anymore
well what is love when it's disappeared
love stays forever it doesn't fade
i remember when you said you were afraid you didn't love me anymore
well now i'm afraid
im so afraid im on my toes telling myself to expect the unexpected
im so scared of you leaving
cause when i look at you i get this burst of feeling
i can't describe in words but ill try
like someone lit a warm fire inside my chest and my heart starts beating fast and i just want to blurt "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" and that's not even close to how i feel
ME LOVING YOU IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT
i cannot fathom how much i love you
i know you feel love for me
but sometimes i wonder if it's the same thing
"does he feel like this all the time?"
"does he think about me as much as i think about him"
"does he always think of me as the love of his life or only in the good moments"
all these questions toss and turn in my brain
i can't decipher any of it so i go insane
and then i shut down
and that's why i shut you out
because sometimes it's too much time and too much thought and i can't handle the thought of losing you
and i don't want to hear words
i want to see
i want to be proven to me
that you won't leave me anymore
and you have been doing that but i guess it's just me being irrational cause you're too perfect to me

i told them what happened
i cried in their faces
some said "you were wearing those leggings- you know what that was saying"
some didn't believe me at first but when the tears came they heard
the pain in my voice and they believed my words
some said i didn't deserve it but at the end of the day i willing put myself in the situation
'what the hell' i thought
'i have no support"
the group message was all complaints
about them being pulled from class to help my case
did they not see my pain?
i felt all alone
like no one believed that i had said the word "no"
or that i asked him several times if we could go
and he replied "no"
my consent didn't matter
when the only way out is to climb the ladder
that's what u should do
i couldve bit and i could have fought but i didn't see how when every boy i play fight w could pin me down
and i had just bought the pepper spray that was in the compartment between us

nobody believed me
maybe he did
but he still blamed the situation on me
when you say what you say all i hear is
"you got ***** bc you put yourself in the position too"
i knew it could happen
so does that mean i was asking for it?
no
^ that's the word he didn't understand
i want to puke, and sometimes cry
other times i'm numb and feel nothing inside
i can't be alone w my love now and not breakdown
i had a dream last night it happened again
except this time i told no one
because why go through the pain of telling it and re creating it to these people
if they aren't gonna believe ya
im laying in the dark and hoping that i can ball and cry reall soon
"thank for believing"
i got to say to no one ever

two loves compared
mine and yours
your man buys you things in exchange for you to do ****** things
my man loves me and tells me everyday
"what would I do without you today?"
your man has a few cars
well at at least my man doesn't go to the bar
at least he's not close in age to my friends dad either
writing this is even making me mad
I need a breather
for heavens sake
you need time alone, by yourself, to learn yourself
"I've always been this way, never alone"
a quote directly from you
I don't see why a potential independant women needs someone
you've turned to a monster
I don't know you anymore
going against everything our parents have taught us
just to hear your man go "cha-Ching"
"I'm tired of getting called a gold digger"
well I'm sorry but unless you can prove it im gonna be bitter
two loves compared, yours and mine
my lover and I took time
we learned about eachothers ways
and didn't sleep together at the first gaze
I can prove I love my man cause he doesn't have much but himself for me
your man has always given you crap, from purses to bras and now will come curses
my man doesn't need me all the time and i don't need him, just keep that in mind.
all you are is leaning on him, money & sin, I mean that's how your relationship did begin?
don't try to tell me he cares about you
he cares if your staying the night
because if he cares he would know that you need family too
and that's what he has taken away from you!

is that all u care about now?
yourself?
because by the path of broken hearts and tear filled eyes you left behind its starting to seem that way
do you still care about him?
or is your medication drowning you in sin?
what the hell were you thinking, you could just throw people away once you get bored?
are you blind to see?
or are you running from responsibility?
God knows what the hell you keep thinking
why did you leave an something with potential for a diamond?
were you just not patient enough to wait?
or was it because all you care about is yourself
and that cheating ******* money?

there's a lot of things you don't know about me you don't know the way I think about you
in those songs I sent you
after you heard them I deleted them
because I knew that would you would really listen and listen again and again to them and remember them
but I knew you heard them all through but not memorized through you might be confused
when you click on the playlist and it tells you
it doesn't exist
cause I want to tell you how I feel so I did
for a bit
but now I want you to think that
those feelings didn't exist
because they didn't
right?
there's a lot of things you don't know about me
why I don't even believe in the word promise
in my world the definition of promise is
"when someone tells you they will stay but then leave"

or how I can't be kissed in my car anymore cause I've kissed more there than I've heard promises from boys
or how I want you to hate me

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like how I cried everyday for months
caused by a boy that was similar to you
or how I hate going to the movies
because I had been taken advantage on a first and last date there

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
I used to be able to apologize sincerely
but now I keep my pride
I used to be kind but now I am blunt
I say what I think because I lost my heart

there's one thing you know about me
I have been heartbroken
and I don't want that again

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like how I'm trying to get you to hate me
and you're too perfect to do it
I would pay all the money in the world
to get you too
but the thing is you remind me of my spirit when I was 2 years younger than you

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like how I'm gonna kiss you before you kiss me
cause I know you're too shy in the first place
you don't know how I get jealous when I don't even like you
you don't know how I tell my friends I don't like you and they always say "Sarah we know you do"

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
I put scenarios in my head of all the different ways
you could kiss me for the first time
but i can't wait so I'll just do it instead
I don't want you to be underrated so il list create it myself

there's a lot of things you don't know about me
like the mistakes I've made maybe you'll find out
how whipped I am and how I want to bring you things
and buy you things
or how when u grab my hand my pulse goes up way to humanely fast
but there is a lot of things I don't know about you... that I would like to.

"I love you so much"
"I love you too" I say
I wonder if he means it the way I hear it
cause I hear it a different way it might be meant
I hear as a "I care about you, and that's not in a platonic way"
but I'm confused you seem like you love a lot and people love you too
well, how could they not?
I love you all the time and I miss you through it too
I hope the words you type each week
are meant to mean what I think they do
cause I really do, i always will.. love you

oh my I miss you
I didn't think I ever would
but you came to mind earlier this week
as I was thinking about my future
I remembered the advice you gave
you were older and experienced
and I realized you had my best interest in mind
you cared about me and you loved me
I wouldn't be able to tell a soul a reason why you do
but I come back to the times I had nobody to talk to
even when I didn't want to
you were persistent to know what was the matter
and we're always there even when she wasn't
but oh my I miss you
you were there when I was crying tears
you were the first I told about how I felt when I looked in mirrors
you heard my cry for an hour straight about how he left and it was just too late
you told me you loved me and left me no advice
you listened and didn't say a single word
you let me talk and vent
and when you looked disinterested I asked if you were still listening you said "yes Sarah" and repeat the last 3 sentences I had said
you told me it was okay
you loved me dispite my mistakes
but now you're gone a million miles away
and I still remember the promise you gave me
if I wasn't married by 2020
you would propose
and you should know I didn't take that as a joke
oh I miss you
and I didn't think I would
but I never thought I would be this blind either
God meant to do this so you could focus on his work
and so I could too.
I can't wait to see you and hear the way you say my name
and hear you say "hey, I love you"
2 years is a long time but I'm glad that I had the other times..

"why do you want the person back that put you in such misery??
why do u want that?
so u can prove to yourself that they wouldn't dare to put you in that misery on purpose?
but then u know they would do it again.
why do you want something you know is just gonna rip you apart again?
why do you want something that doesn't want you?
why do u want something that's not meant to be?
how are letting them effect you and get you unhappy?
why?
why?!
**** it!
why!?" I said
then my reflection replied,
"why not?"

"I'll show you secrecy"
You said,
"Okay I love new things" I said
Deep down I only went cause you wanted me to
I realize now
I was your escape
but you pushed me out cause you knew it would rip me apart

Did you see me crying and screaming "why"?
Of course you didn't cause you weren't there,
but of course you wouldn't have seemed to care
If you were there

A few hours before that
In the car that rainy night
It seems so cliche but the weather matched our eyes
tears were falling out of the sky
that's the loudest I've ever heard us be
sitting in silence it seemed eternal for me
this is probably what hell feels like
having everything that matters
But not able to touch or stare


there was no words to seal a deal
I couldn't say much in the moment
then I think back now of what I should've done
I wanted you to help me with my problem
but my problem can't help me with itself, now can it?
there's nothing that would have made you stay
but I can only write that. I could never say that

cause taking steps away from you seem horrible but really I need to realize I'm taking steps forward not backward

well I wonder on these late nights
if you stay up for no reason like I do
and then find your mind wander to me
and wonder what you are doing

I got asked who I loved today
my response was that I used to love you
but love never fails
well if that's true it's not
cause it was love

I always think about what you could be doing
or think about how it's going
nobody ever tells me the truth about u
only alright and fine
along with "he's hanging in there"

you make it hard cause I don't know if I will be able to fall in love for a year or two
or maybe eternity
but I can't help but compare
but then again I know I deserve better than what u gave me
but because I've only been in love once <with you> and so I don't have anyone else to compare with
but at least I'll know when it comes next that it's love
so I'll thank you
I'll know because what we had was reality

you weren't meant to be, what you are to me now
it was suppose to be a time waster or a distraction
I didn't want these feelings
but im stuck now and running off of luck hoping you mean what you say

I know you can hear me
dont act like you don't know
what's it like living without me?
I know u still care and so do I
but what's the use
when u just shut me out of here
I can live with or without you
but living doesn't always mean being happy
what's it like living without me?
we are not meant to be
so what's the use
I'm always here but never seen
ur always stuck in the back of my mind
when I'm not thinking u always come to mind
I know that no one, no one, knows u like I'd do
and same for you cause u know me better too
so what's the use living without you
this world where we both are now
so what's the use?
well I'm gonna find one
and I think I have
there are people to make happy and people to have
places to be and there are reasons to be happy
and I'm gonna make myself think I lost the only reason to be

thanks for teaching me what life is really about
how to care, and how to actually truly love
thanks for teaching me to be careful, because not everyone you meet you can trust
and not all those you trust will trust you too
thanks for teaching me that there is way better things to do than cry over you
& for teaching me I deserve better,
showing me not everyone will care
by your actions I learned that, and that love isn't always fair.
thanks for teaching me to stop worrying for others and to focus on me
thank you for telling me that I would be happy
I'd find someone new and forget you
i will always remember you, but not the way I thought I would
thanks for putting at my lowest, because now I know how to get out and up to my highest
and for teaching me that people that ***** you over aren't worth getting to your lowest for
that's why I'm never getting to my lowest in life for anyone like you ever again.
thanks for showing me what it's like not to be loved

the way my name escaped your lips
my name being whispered in my ear
by your voice
the only voice I ever desired to hear
now there's no chance to listen to your voice
knowing that can cause a tear
or two or three or a million
i want to know how you are
do you miss me
you said you were happier with me
then you spoke for me and said that I was unhappy
with you in my life
i miss telling you all I feel
I miss hearing silence or you listening
you let me say how I feel
if you wouldn't have spoken for me
I would have said yes, it's not easy
but you don't make me unhappy
being with you brings my heart to glee
but not when I know you don't want me

love
I hate it
well isn't that an oxymoron
I keep trying to find it
but when I do it's still not available
you see you have it
but you won't give it to me
you say
"go find it somewhere else"
but i can't
was it even love?
if it dies away
will we still have it,
if I stay away?
I don't know
and I won't say
how I feel anymore
because I'm just doing what you want
& showing faith
leaving you is what you want
and I hope it won't be long or feel long until I see you again

When I think about kissing you , I don't even miss you

My anger is stronger everyday I see you.. You're in danger

I'm scared I'll do something to myself, that will hurt you too

you said "I have to hurt you now so I'll hurt you less later"

but I didn't think that you would ever have to later...

crying to you was my only relief

and when you cried with me I felt like we were in this together

but then you said "I'm going to push you away" with tears streaming down your face and in your shaking voice

I couldn't cry myself out of relief

and I tried to touch you and you wouldn't resist but you wouldn't touch me back

I knew you wanted to but you thought you were doing me a favor

"you deserve better, I'm just going to be a loser" "I don't want that for you"

"you would never be a loser in my eyes" I whispered unclear

there was so many times that you would pull me close to you

but here wasn't the case

I'm out of tears now, I'll go through the motions but nothing will come out

I just want to talk to you
but you "don't want anyone to care about you"

"I don't understand" I cry
and you never said anything back to that

cause deep down you don't understand yourself either

I felt so much

But now it's gone

all my feelings their not strong

gone like yours were for awhile

And still are

I don't know if I should leave or float

and be there for you

Cause you might need me most

The thing is you don't know either

and that's why I'm stuck afloat

I don't want you to know that I'm in pain
I don't want to make your worries worse
you make it worse for me I will admit
But I promise to you I'm here to commit
everything is falling down
but when I look around everything has to do with you
how can I help you?
and what should I do?
"Say you're there for him"
but what do I say??
"just be there for him"
"this is the best thing that's going to help him"
but what do I do for him!!
I need an answer, but nobody can tell me
yes it would be easier to leave
but I'm not afraid to grieve
honestly I am here, but darling I don't know how to show you

I know what it's like to love someone
Love someone so much you feel worried for them
You want them to do there best
Cause you know they are better than that
feeling like everything you do for them just isn't enough
But it is.

It's more than enough.

I know what it's like to love someone more than they love you
When they are struggling the only thing you want to do is help them through
but everything you do doesn't feel like enough

But it's more than enough

I know what it's like to not be treated the same
I know what it's like denying that they don't feel the same
and trying to believe that if you were them they would do the same
Inside you know that you care too much,
But you love them to much to care too much
I know what it's like to be slowly erased

but I don't know what it's like to be loved too much

all the others occupied my thoughts at night
but you... I think this might be right
cause you are all over my head in the morning, when I get out of bed
in the afternoon when I'm eating lunch and at night too
but you're always there
I guess that's fair if it's like that for you too

everyone thinks you're different
well so do I
I conclude that everyday
what a wonderful thing to see
your green eyes shine when you look at me
how will this end I always ask
"don't leave me here" I always whisper unclearly in your ear
silently enough that you can't hear but loudly enough I can say I told you
just keep on holding onto me
trust me
I won't let go only if you said
"I found something better,
now leave, now go"
I would listen and I would
but I would never do that to you my dear
I hope you feel the same
I know you have potential to always be here
but I can only hope and pray that I'm right oh oh dear

people like you drive me away
to a heaven and hell of a place
a burning feeling that I'm in heaven
yet sometimes I mistake that feelin'
just tell me what you think
of me and you
is that a possibility
we both are thinking I know I know
well I want to know that I really do
but what the way I'm thinking
is we need to talk
what's this turning into
I could just stop and let you decide
but there's this mighty wind inside
don't listen to society
"you take charge" they say
but when I do it folds everything in place
for a while
I don't see smiles from you
and I. was smiling while you were blue
I had no worries but when they came
I realized how I am such a shame

I'll pretend, for you.
"I'm okay"
That's what I'll say, for you.
I'll do it because I know how you feel.
The feeling that you hurt someone is unreal.
It's hard to get rid of it especially when you thought you did the right thing.
Which you did, darling you did.
You did nothing wrong.
Yet there's 1 million songs that say what you did was wrong.
I'll pretend for you then I'm not blue.
You don't deserve to be hurt or feel the way I do.
If you're okay that's all that matters, one less person hurt is better than two.
I hope you don't think I'm blue, but if you do it's not fully because of you.
Yes you made me sing, dance , and smile & that's gone for a while.
Just know that's the only part of you (losing you) that made me blue.

There is black mascara smeared down your cheeks.

All you could do was apologize & show meekness; them it was up to them to decide.

For when it's not enough you said, or maybe it was too much you thought, that you did in the past for them to take in.

"Forgive them for they know not what they do." Does that scripture even apply to you?

You DID know what you were doing, and what the consequences could have been, yet you did it anyway, out of pride, again.

You sit there not knowing what to do. You find yourself on the ground, out of the blue.

"At least I know you'll forgive me." you say humbly lifting your neck upward, with blurry eyes . You know he will, you know he does. He tells you so, for he said himself he says no lies.

can't you see all I wish for us to be?
I want you to appreciate me
Who I am
What I love
But it seems you can't
Or you're afraid to
I Want to fall in love
but you...
I don't feel like you do
Using me for things that drown my mind of joy
using for you, as a toy
"get out" I say
"Don't you see I'm playing both roles," I cry
"of you, and of me.. Why do I stay?"
the answer is not you, I don't stay because of you
I stay because I'm waiting for you to do something
IM WAITING FOR A PLOT TWIST

I wrote many poems in my life
about boys, about life
The poems about you are the worst
they're the ones nobody likes
I can't get my feelings out when I write about you
I can't tell if it's because I don't have them or because they're too strong
and I'm trying to figure it out and see if what we have is wrong
should the worst poems be about the best person? Or should my worst poems be about the worst moments with the worst person for me
I don't know I wish you would just tell me

"follow your gut"

easy for you to declare

my mind says "no" my friends say "leave"

my guts says "GO"

so I do just that

           what is right

both I feel are right

both I feel are wrong

that's a hand full

maybe I'll just

stand still

can I buy a ticket

to your mind

I would spend all I had just to see

everything you wish to achieve & all you desire to be

or would you give a ticket free

cause they say the best things in life are free

would it be a roller coaster

or would it be

an air plane ride gliding through the ideas in your mind

or is there no admission at all

no way to see what you are

because it's blocked with fear and the past

darling it may be the hardest part but

if you give me vip

fast lane

first class

i promise i'll love every second

and every part of the ride


If your minds an airplane could I also ask a favor

I would like a one way ticket

cause once i'm there and i know every part of it i still won't want to go back

i'll be waiting, my flight could be delayed due to something in the the heart of the plane

my roller coaster could be stuck on something

but i'll be patient

because i know
it will be the thrill of the night
or the thrill of my life

I wish I knew those who cared enough
to read my thoughts

I wish I knew the ones who loved my thoughts & think it could challenge the most beautiful things

I wish when I cross people's minds they think of character, and intelligence

to be called smart, creative, or beautifully minded is my ultimate goal

that's all care for
that's all I dream for
in hopes for it to come

maybe I missed the way words rolled off your tongue or the way your words made me rethink how to breathe

maybe I miss your smile and how parallel your top and bottom teeth are

maybe I miss the way we could talk about meaningless things yet it meant everything to me

maybe I miss the good things like the wink you gave me when I gave you my brightest smile (which was only there because I saw you)

maybe it's the bad things about you like the way you made me feel at midnight, I couldn't fall asleep

maybe it's just the magic of night that made me feel this way

maybe it isn't. now as I think it wasn't just night it was 24/7

maybe it's the way you could say my name. like bliss, it made me like my name. you made me feel insane

maybe it's the bad things like the way I made you feel at midnight you couldn't hardly fall asleep

or maybe it's the bad
or maybe it's just the good
but it's probably
most likely
it is
I'm most sure is
both the two

why did I miss the

wetter pillow nights

unanswered texts from days gone by

trying not to correct you with all my might

cause you were always "right"

not being able to eat when you said "you're beautiful"

&starting; to agree with everything the way you see it to be

but that wasn't me

no way it couldve been me

How could I miss that?

later coming across knowledge of being number two.

Losing interest in missing it now

cause I don't miss you, please don't even glimpse a thought in your rightful mind that I do

Why am I mad?
Who am I mad at?
I could blame a thousand faces.
I could say a thousand words.
Nothing would change the way I feel.
Nobody could steal my thoughts inside.
Please just leave me all alone.
I want to choose by the way I feel.
I want to be happy.
Something inside won't let me pick.
Maybe it's the world around me that kicks me around.
The world tells me "Pick him! You'd be the cutest thing I've ever seen"
Deep inside I know that's true, but why would that matter when it's how we would feel that would mean something.
I don't feel right.
That's how it would feel.
so maybe I'm mad cause I chose the choice that I knew just wasn't right.
I left the one who made it right.
He made me smile in the dark, dark night.
What is left to do you see?
Will it still be you and me?
Or will I choose to follow my conscience.
I finally figured out why.
Why I sit here so shy.
I'm not mad.
I'm not sad, indeed.
Neither one I so sourly plead.
I'm afraid.
and that's why I can't be happy.
I fear, fear.
That's what's wrong!
My past choices could let me go on.
forget the past and let me be.
I'll make a decision by dawn, maybe.

don't spin my head in circles
you think you would know
I'm a poet
you can't mess with poets heads
they have been kicked
they have been punched and spun every which way
but no matter what
their heads know where they are
they still remember what they were thinking
so don't mess with a poets head
because she'll most likely write about how you did

love figuring people out
love seeing good in them
& understanding their understanding of things and why they love them
I love seeing love
potential love
platonic love
romantic love
&
genetic love
any love of any kind
it makes my heart smile inside
but I don't like seeing one way love
or parallel love
the kind that doesn't meet or
perpendicular love that leaves once it meets
because of a bump in the road
but that shouldn't be called love anyway
because love doesn't die,
if it was love it will always have a spark
a small light at least
love will never die
is true
and will always be
but love isn't a one way street, once it meets it doesn't leave
it merges together
to make ends meet

you must not know what caring is if you think you do it to much

She was ninety-five and still alive
with belief if moving mountains
You could see it in her eyes
her love of music
she spoke no lies
maybe that was good, maybe bad
your hair cut could have looked better longer
but still she could have never made you mad
her sweet stories of strength and love
were  all she spoke of
you could see she didn't have one regret
and I know the life she lived was thoughtful and prayful
she could have moved mountains,
for I know
I could see it in her eyes.

somehow I keep coming back to you
I somehow find myself looking at you
your eyes
your rosy cheeks
and a smile forms to my face
your smile
your hair

and somewhere in my soul I want to
look into your eyes and see them glow
with passion as you tell me your dreams

and somewhere in my mind I can picture myself kissing your rosy cheeks as they become more red

and somehow I want my smile to create yours
and somehow I want to touch your hair
and as I think all this and feel my wanting for this im staring at you, smiling
and you know what I'm thinking

and I hope you are wanting it too..
but why?

because somehow there isn't a way to fully escape you

my secrets are my secrets
to you I felt kept
safe in your head, and and tied to your tongue
but as. you drift away
without a word to say
why
I think I'm okay
cause secrets are done eventually
and are meant to be known
so here's the secrets of us
please don't give me fuss
cause it shouldn't matter
sense there is no us

opposites attract
it's that true?
when I hear that saying
I think of me,and you
it's not meant to be,
so then it must
it's true in some scenarios
but with us it's most likely just lust

at least I got poems and songs out of you

I got back up by myself then you pushed me back over

you slowly fade away

like a cut

turns into a scab

but just like that scab gets picked away and opens again
is

like what you do

if it happens enough it turns
into
a scar

is that what you want to be?

don't really know if the desires to cuddle
to kiss
to hold onto someone is for you because I can see it with others
but when I imagine with you the sparks fly
and that's just imagination

what will it be like when it actually happens

us?

when something that I used to adore
love
like
enjoy
doesn't become those things anymore

what does it become?
good memories?
something else?

everything enjoyable has to be broken into parts and made complex

and overthought

and competitive


and it makes me tense

it's not fun anymore

the worst feeling in the world could be debatable
I believe it's trying to change something
you have the full drive and desire to
but
it's not in your control
maybe parts but not all
or knowing
something
one choice
would make someone you love happier
and that's all you want
but they won't choose it
and you know they know what's right
but you can't do anything but hope
and pray
and have faith
they will
and if they don't
try to remind yourself

    there's nothing you could have done

but what you did

it's pouring rain outside and I'll I can think about is you

how if you were here

I would kiss you out there

in the pouring rain

until it stopped

I've come to realization
that you're just a boy


and I'm just a girl

so naive and full of new experiences to come

naive is me
immaturity I would describe as you

and that will change eventually
but for now

you're just a boy
and I'm just a girl

and we wouldn't want to take away that

now would we