you forgive me?

for what?

the way I feel?

the way I didn't feel about you?

if anything it should be understanding

and I can see why you could confuse the two

you were hurt
and
so was I

seeing you in pain anyway

but I didn't do it and hope for forgiveness

I hoped for understanding

you see I should not be apologizing

for how I feel or how I don't

cause you make and decide mistakes

but you don't decide the way you feel

you know when a song clears your head

of all your troubles


makes you feel alive

makes you're heart fill with tranquility


makes you think about how simple life really is


how nothing really should matter in that moment


I hope you can make me feel that way


I hope you can be that song

there are people that I miss

some I can't see anymore

some I want to kiss

and others I miss because there presence is near but the person they were is not here

maybe some I don't miss so much of them,
but more the times

we spent making history

there should be a word for missing someone and a word for missing who someone was

it's not like it really would matter though

cause I wouldn't know which word to use

music


a blessing
or
a curse

when I hear it I'll cry

and

other times I'll dance

I feel emotions
I wouldn't feel before


I remember moments
I wouldn't have

so it may be a curse
but most of the time it's a blessing

or a gift

a drop of water

can't put out a fire

just like an apology

can't heal the pain

I miss you
you may have annoyed me to the point I wanted to scream
but I love you and miss you
you were the closest thing I had to a brother
and you had to leave
move across the country
and leave me
by myself
whose gonna tease me?
whose gonna protect me?
whose going to tickle me?
whose going to kick me out of the front seat?



whose going to be my annoying big brother?

late nights are my favorite part of day
my thoughts suddenly expand
my passion and dreams become real
i say things I wouldn't have the guts to say in the day
I find out my own secrets
I see a future full of happiness
sometimes I will think back from months ago my dreams and fantasies from dusk are no longer dreams
no longer fantasies
they are coming to life
and that's the power of night

if I'm the only person who thinks I did the right thing then so be it

if I am the only person that I understands then so be it

if I'm the only person that doesn't think of me differently after then so be it

if I am the only person that loves me
then so be it

if I am the only person who feels alone
then so be it

if nobody listens to my side of the story because they are to quick to judge then so be it

so be it

I am not full of sadism
it may seem like so
but don't people say go with the flow?
that's why I said what I said
but you didn't believe me anyway
in a year this won't matter to you
in 3 years we will both look back and laugh
we were naive
full of fear & and not full comprehension
of what was going on
of what we were doing
and how full of adulation we were
I could go back and change it
but we know that life would be vapid

have you ever broken someone's heart?
cause I have
you are the villain
it like they're listening to their favorite song and you come and turn it off

it's like they finished building a masterpiece and you kick it over

it's like they finally stepped out of their wheelchair and you break their leg

they got out of a burning building and you set them on fire

they are on the right side of the road and you come head-on

eventually you get hurt too

but somehow you still tell yourself the biggest lie around

"it wasn't my fault"

it's my fault
im sorry
that i wasn't there for you
I wasn't accepting to your dream
i lead you to think fondly of me
im sorry
I kept you up late at night
I said I missed you
I'm sorry I spoke the truth
I'm sorry i wasted your time
that I hugged you tight
that when I saw you I would smile
I'm sorry
is all that comes out

I know I hurt you

but I hurt too

it hurts you thought it was all a lie

it hurts that you hurt

maybe I was taking a risk
because I believe in taking those

but sometimes bad things come from risks& that's how we learn

I'm sorry you were a failed risk

I really didn't want it to be this way

but it is

& I can't ignore what my heart whispers to me

"no, this isn't right"

that cannot be ignored.

why do I want the guy that nobody wants?
I choose him over the guy that everybody wants
they both treat me right
they both keep me up at night

but why
the one that everyone loves doesn't need me.
the guy that no girl likes he needs me

weaknesses

fears

hopes

dreams

pet peeves

desires

wishes

goals

your future

I want to know you

not just the good things
but the bad too

I want to know you. I hope you want to know me too.

what do people see in me

I always wonder do they think I'm serious
or
full of fun and humor

do they think I'm nice or fake to please

I want to be a ray of positivity

I want to change the world
I want to be a bookworm

I want to be looked at and have people think
"I want to be like that"

talking about it may not work
but it's a step and what I've learned not everybody will admire you

but if one person does that's enough

occasionally I will wonder if we're compatable

or is the only reason we stay because of flattery

do you think this too?

will I be able to tell you my secrets
could I tell you my fears

and have the same feeling that we get when we kiss

or are we just hanging by lust on a rope that's breaking strand by strand

that's not what I want
I want to know you

next time you hug me
I won't let go

when you kiss me
I'll apologize now,
i will be smiling & laughing

but I know you'll understand why

we would have waited so long for that moment

we had thought about it for hours each day

nobody will understand us like us
and nobody will understand why I'm laughing except you

and even if you don't
when I tell you why you will laugh with me

and in that moment I will keep that picture of you in my head

and you will understand

and after that night I won't be able to fall asleep til 2 AM

but you'll understand
cause you won't be able to either

but after that kiss
you'll understand what I need
and I will too

what will we be?

this is what I see

you kiss me
and that's all it will ever be

or

you kiss me and my head will be clear

my heart will be open

I will look at you and sigh
in relief
because I'll know the way you can make me feel

I'll know that you will protect me
I will be happy
happy.
or
I will feel nothing
nothing.

and that how I'll know

what we will be

i love you
but not the way you want me to

I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to be so confusing

i could blame it on you
you know im a player

but I shouldn't

I know it's my fault

but when I think about loving you the way you want me to

it feels wrong

is that what you want?
me to lie to you about the way you make me feel?

maybe you do
because I like to see you happy and I don't want to see you sad.

so maybe that's why I am

all I want is to make you smile

your smile helps me find tranquility

hearing your voice has the same effect

but
sometimes I think what if I can't

what if after everything I can't make you happy

I can't make you smile

but I want to
because that's what you make me do

i sometimes think about you

a lot
but other times I forget

and those are the times I have bad dreams

and when I can't fall asleep

I'll replace you with meaningless things and thoughts

but once you're back nothing else matters
but you

the sweet things you say to me keep me up at night

I can't sleep

because I can't stop my mouth from curving upwards

I can't concentrate because I'm to lost in flattery

and
I never can find the words to say back because they wouldn't compare to yours

a kiss

it's simple really

two lips touching

although it can be complex

just talking about it makes my feelings twist 

but it depends on who with.

with you it would be complex because it would mean something 

but with someone else it would be simple, just two lips touching

I suppose we will figure out the full complexity when we do