The black sky turns navy, turns blue
It is tomorrow
Today is yesterday
Yet it does not feel in the past
Still fresh, it lingers
It taints the morning with its unanswered questions
With its thoughts weighing heavily in the air
It is hard to breathe
Barely notice the rising sun
Roosters crow in the distance
Cold permeates the room
Seeping through the walls,
Like a ghost of Christmas
Chilled and Aged
Not as fine as wine
More than sour grapes
May the heavy head be cleared with the fog

Sun shines bright          morning has come
Warmth reaches out         grasping your soul

Tendency         to resist all
Eyes closed tightly         in denial

Heat on skin          awakens within
Today will be          glorious

Heart stuck in gray dawn. Subtle remembrances, consume. Longing for more. Lingering for, "used to be".  Vulnerability in pain gambled for strength in love.  Held in place by promises.

Spoken words deny
Actions scream in love and pain
Hearts splinter and crack

Time cannot heal what was not meant to be broken. Change is slow coming.  Dreams of warmth take hold, trying to leach into reality so abruptly ripped apart.  Something once so perfect, so beautiful in its purity, in its simplicity. Forever tainted by selfless gestures turned selfish motives.

Promises broken
Dreams relive yesterday's bliss
Stopping tomorrow

What's good for one, not enough to sustain.  Love enough to last, pushed under, forgotten. Lost to fear. Submerged in darkness.  Yet, there lies the sun.  Warm and alive.  More than a seed, a field of flowers ready to bloom.  Still, flowers of love do not bloom in tears of despair.

**You are the warm sun
Watered by my salty tears
Flowers turned to hay

A worst-case-scenario mentality
Breeds emotional nightmares of what-ifs
Methodically feeling the pain in each possibility
Preparing for Hell, knowing it is impractical, improbable, and unkind
Each reaction gauged
Smiles erupt in each better choice
A familiar road traveled often
Lead only by a history of pain
It ebbs and flows, bobs and weaves at will
This reality is organized, easy to understand

Random thought of an unlikely, unfathomable future
Vivid like a film
Unwavering, persistent
There is no controlling its outcome
Forced to watch the images forged in a broken mind
Tears burn flesh and a naked heart bleeds
Stop rolling, just...stop
No amount of pleading slows the images
The pain is overwhelming
Far beyond self-inflicted, torturous, methodical thoughts
Uncontrollable, inconsolable
True and real
So very real

There is but one way to stop that future
The one shown in visions of just deserts
The future that smolders through present joy
Preemptive pain is just not an option

I've seen the future my heart has built
The shards of a shattered soul
Offer no comfort

My worst-case-scenario was but a benign freckle on the elbow of a body invaded by metastatic melanoma

The deluge of love cannot be caught
In a shot glass or a stein
For it will flow eternally
When i can call you mine

choking on words you said once
inked a thousand times over
carved out of my flesh
shoved down my smile

"Shut up and swallow. How does it taste?"
in silent repetition of beautiful pages
trading breath for pain
stolen from love regifted

it tastes like I'm dying
still looking for reasons to smile

Destroyer of dreams
Leave my side so hope remains
Move on to the next
Oblivious in their bliss
Perhaps they shant see dreams die

When I said that I'd be bad company
I meant that only you could brighten my day
The sound of your voice is my sunshine

When I offered for you to let me be
I meant that I would never force you to tolerate me
But hoped that you would want me by your side anyway

When I pushed you aside, however delicately
I meant for you to not want to go
For you to just sit with me for awhile

When I said I wasn't in the mood to talk
I meant for you to sit with me
In comfortable silence until you kissed me happy

When I sent you a message warning of my grumpy
I meant for you to call me
And make sure I was alright

When I said that I couldn't
I meant for you to show me that you believed in me
To help me believe in myself

When I set you free
I meant for you to not want to leave
For you to stay with me always

A cacophony of wasted space in a mind too full to see
boring holes to breathe or vent
or pray that there is no light to be let in

Was never done dying before yesterday moved
tomorrow is last year a lifetime ago
today, erased by was and will

Tears can't dry in incessant floods
bleeding acid that feeds unhealing wounds
in a mix of steroids and parasites

Faced with all that perception ever was
altered reality in crushed emotion
scraping the dregs of feeling to find a place to sleep

Jagged shards of memories offer the most comfort
as they slice what attempted to heal
killing me slowly anew with each passing moment

Moments torn in a million pieces of equal pain
encased in cemented ideals and rosy falsehoods
yesterday is the only reality left

Outside a clenched fist holding onto nothing
blood crusts in black paint
open or closed, there's nothing left to see

Longing to bleed out through the ****** of dreams
left to die in a place that packs holes with dirt
enough to exist in an invisible life

Killing the long ago before it finishes what it started
seems its own nightmare of weakness
will it alive or will it dead, just will something and make it so

A lifetime of dying in a half-life of truth
gray eats black as anguish feeds on beauty
nothing remains in untouched memories

I read your words
They speak to me
Of course they are written
To my soul
My heart leaps
At the thought of you
Caring enough to make me real
I read your words
Of want and need
Of the existence and fear of love
Concrete, in black and white
It must be me who has moved you
Thoughts betraying logic
Though, I am the one
Tip toeing near and far
I am the one
Who knows I am being missed
For I am missing you
I read your words
And it just has to be me
They are mine
They live in me
They move me
I have claimed them for my own
As they must have been written
To me
For me
In desire and love for me
I breathe them in
My heart is alive
Yes, I have claimed them for my own

Silence
Squeezes my heart
Leaving tracks
Running down my cheeks

when your heart is heavy
and your mind is blank
and the words just will not come
sadness is too strong a term
for the emptiness that drowns you
thankful for the distance in between
for the moments in silence
without harshness
without the verbal daggers
gaping wounds begin to scab
grated off with the next conversation
each exchange naught but a reminder
of a past that held a different future

gazing upon the empty words
breathes life as once she read
words on a page of nothingness
found love there in its stead
to know his soul as he doth hers
love never accepts defeat
though distance mars the loving hearts
for ne'er the twain shall meet

Love travels with the seasons.
Is love a tourist?
Will it stay?

I will give you everything
The moon and all its stars
If you stand beside me in the sun
Just as you are

bartering time for money, wasting it on love
or vice versa

rationalizing choices in white rabbit pocket watch anxiety
a pound of flesh to sell off a soul in limited real estate high yield *******

not a single serving available to nourish the mind
after insipid, ear-bleeding monologue conversations

compiling minutes into days suffered
always searching for that quick high, down to the wire bout of auto-****** asphyxiation

in diamond pressure ulcers born in
self-induced, great expectations
that look like strangers in the distance

the breadcrumbs that resemble the stain of dreams
feed the drama that knows the only truth

the hollow cannot be filled with a diet of Xanax and double shot espresso
dancing through norms on marionette strings

bartering time for love, wasting it on money
or vice versa
when time is all we possess

wondering, if once that currency is depleted,
will your soul finally feel complete

Walk into a room
There lies the new one
There lies the one who has your heart
Blink and all's forgotten
No scars to hint of pain
Nothing left but happiness to gain
And so you hold on and you're held
Effortlessly there is more room in your soul
Days so readily wasted
Just looking in those eyes
Melting the outer shell
That took a lifetime to build
It is so easy to love you

carried on the dream I tasted in your voice
I was never afraid of heights

when I was falling
                                 falling
                                            falling
all I felt was cool air brushing my hair
as it rushed across my skin

it still tasted like you
or the idea of you
or who I wished you were
or who you pretended to be

it tasted like truth
but the truth is...
I trusted without enough doubt to realize
that touching the sky
meant I couldn't see the ground
that fairytales were meant for those with wings
because flying is a prerequisite
and I was just auditing the experience

soaring through promises I needed to believe
I knew who you were....
                       until you weren't

I believed who I was
but I never believed myself to be stupid
or naive
or...stupid

real is how we perceive it
but any way I slice you up
the pavement still wears my skin

multi-tonal adhesives cannot
heal the trust I broke by believing you

who am I now?
fear of heights and a traumatic aversion
to self-trust

plus a dash self-loathing

when I close my eyes
I still ride dreams that taste like truth
but the truth is...

flying is a prerequisite
and I was just auditing the experience

Chasing rainbows in the dark
Searching blindly
Hopeless night sky
Starless and lonely
Blinding reflections
On invisible water
Navy blue and eggplant planet
Sunless and smokey
Flailing wildly
Trying to grasp the unseen
Knowing it's there
Just out of reach

It lifts my spirits, even when they aren't down
It resonates with all things happy
Makes me tremble to the core
The expectation of its warmth
Comes as waves of unforeseen joy
When the ride ends it is always bittersweet
Until tomorrow
Until next time
When that time draws near
I wait with bated breath
In hopeful anticipation, I linger
Almost as an afterthought in throaty air
Like distant thunder in a cloudless sky
With a deep rumble and a Southern drawl
Sweet dreams always follow

Long black hair
That frizzes in the heat
Eyes a chocolate brown
A gaze long since lost its shine
A smile that hides no pain
A sweet tooth
That won't be outgrown
Unlike cotton attire
A heart grows dull
And cries unnoticed
Behind that unseen frown
On a good day
She looks like a woman
Like any other
Like every other
Like no other
Like no one
On her best days
She is a cool breeze on a warm day
Unseen, unrealized
Noticed after she's gone
A scent
A feeling
The absence of
Nothing

Tortured inside myself
Watching in measured silence as the glass empties...again
Nervous laughter and high hopes
Tug of war lost,
As I cannot hold the stare that the glance grew into
The stare that sparked the notion of possibility
Liquid courage and bare feet
Silly jokes and that smile
That smile that melts down defenses
And breaks the dam of restraint
Impatient and emboldened
I step outside myself
As the lines blur, then disappear
**** the wine that drowned my judgment
**** that smile that drew me in
A tentative brush of the ankle
Waters test warm
Ravenous, we dive in

Instant gratification.  Instant disappointment.  Dreams of yesterday and a blind tomorrow. Talk of closing doors and opened windows does not quell fear.  The unknown is too familiar.  Teetering on the precipice of what was and what will be.  The path is unlit.  In darkness all is equal.  There is no direction.  There is no certainty but that any motion will let gravity take hold.  Falling, falling, falling.  Blindfolded by emotion, a lightless tunnel.  Hoping only to land on the side facing forward.  

Thrown into change
Dragged into tomorrow
Clawing the past

Status quo has been erased.  Eradicated by others.  There is no escaping pain, there is no eluding fear.  Time stood still for ages and the clock has begun to tick in time with the very heartbeat of life.  There is more, more to be desired, more that is deserved, more life to live, more joy to find.  How bad is the hunger?  How strong the need? Driven by hope or fear, or both but driven.  Driven to a new sense of self.  A renewed confidence found only through the art of release.

**Tides will ebb and flow
Sun rises in the morning
Change is imminent

Wasted
Alone in a land of wishes
Wanting to be wanted
Needing to be loved
Never realizing
It is in the very air
Taken in with every breathe
Waiting
In a world of half truths
And make believe
For a fairytale dream
Afraid to be dreamt
Longing
For what was deemed undeserved
In a life suffering in settlement
Searching
Through nightmares
For a pinpoint of light
For an alternate reality
For some semblance of home
Finding
What has always existed
What was birthed side by side
Created from the very same dust
Before time
Through time
Knowing
Loneliness no longer exists

Vacuum-sealed in cloudy plastic
Suffocating by design
No claws to tear through
No blades to slice
The coldness of the air seeps through
But no breath can be taken
Peek-a-boo I see you
Creepy clouded faces stare
Known yet quite veiled in circumstance
The harder the struggle
The weaker the fight
Light fades as breath strains
Wishing for pinholes

In the dark of night
When you're out of sight
But never out of mind
There is a silence
The kind of quiet that
Causes the fissures
In my mind
To swell and widen
Just enough for sanity
To disappear into the abyss
Into the labyrinth
Of a cracked and shattered psyche
In the silence of nothing
Where the world could have ended
As I lay here oblivious
To the truth, the reality
Of the outside world
This place, in the deepest recesses
Of my twisted mind
This is where the waiting
Breeds nightmares
Steeped in the real possibilities
That cause my heart to break
In real time
In the midst of unknowing
Somehow I know
I know something is amiss
The world, my world is off kilter
Just enough to barely notice
To wonder if it is my reality or my shadows
Traversing the cracks in my facade of sanity
Trying to find a way back to peace
Leaves me drained of the desire to breathe
As every breath breaks my ribs
The panting, painful, dry, and useless
As there is no living in this place
That ***** the life out of my eyes
And the stagnant air of what-if out of my lungs
Gasping in vain to **** it in
Because what-if is all there is
In the dark of night
When you're out of sight
But never out of mind

The darkest night eclipses the brightest stars
Eons in solitude
Addled by a sky steeped in navy
Ships with no direction
The soul drowns
Sinking deeper by the hour, by the minute, by each passing second
As it is engulfed in the tar of a languid existence,
There is a vision in spirit awash in a burst of light
Luna bathes all who see her, who trust her
As the darkest soul, full of dreams undreamt
Is blinded by light's quintessence
Yet, at once able to see the truth that is now exposed
And with eyes wide open, naught but a glimpse was caught
A glimpse of an angel

Building a life on cotton candy dreams
smells of the circus and carnival rides
Exuberant children in tousled sheets
Doing untrained acrobatics on a highwire of hope

Melted sugar nightmares crash without a net
Eyes burn in the stench of memories and laughter
Wearing that broken wire like a decade old prom dress
Wishing pieces of that life didn't still smell so sweet
Making everything sour by comparison

Ever wary of the remote reminiscence of
laughter and the exuberance of children
Flesh torn by that highwire gown
Whenever someone smells of the circus and carnival rides

In the dark of night I see her
In the shadows of night she lingers
Eyes piercing the smoke of yesterdays dreams
Stabbing the life out of my lungs
With the nightmare of truth
With the longing for honor
With the screaming memories
Not of what used to be
But of used-to-coulds
When she appears
All that is left is the grit at the bottom of the cup of life
The leftover flavor of dreams gone by
The reality that I am not what I could have been
That dreams torture reality with rainbows and lullabies
With pastel hues of perfection
In the dark of night I see her
In the shadows of night she lingers
The girl I almost was

He loved me once
With exuberance and joy
He loved me once
And saw my flaws as perfection
He loved me once
And helped me to love myself
He loved me once
With all that he is
He loved me once
With an honest soul much like my own
He loved me once
And made me believe in forever
He loved me once
With neither question nor doubt
He loved me once
And in a flash of perception
All I can say is...
He loved me once

Clouds roll in and thunder roars
Tears, they fall in rage
burning rivers down the face
Of the once innocent
Humanity ripped from souls
The heartless rise
The careless linger
What was once is no longer
What should be, never was
Ineffectual words
Counting down to nothing

+One year
+One month
+One day
We share one soul eternally

Shadows creep     across the floor
Stretching their hands     to clutch your soul

In the dark     fear reigns supreme
Always searching    for an escape

There's no need    to await the sun
There is only     your embrace

Silence weighs heavy
As it dances across my soul
Doing graceful pirouettes
As the darkness encroaches
Muted sounds of yesterday
Echo softly in the distance
Until naught but reverberations
Linger in faded memory
Like laughter that never was

It was taken without asking
Held without contempt
Moved by emotion
Stolen by a lover

It was abused in disguise
Bound tightly by fear
Rejected, unforgiven
Damaged by another

It was reclaimed at long last
Caged for its own safety
Clipped so it couldn't soar
Numbed by the experience

It was afraid to be free
Blindfolded by life
Relegated to dull existence
Content in acquiescence

It grew colder over time
Ignored and soon forgotten
Shriveled up and hard
Unnoticed and discarded

It was stumbled upon by grace
Warmed slowly by another
Held fast in times of trouble
Trying hard to be less guarded