You are the one that
my heart, my pen and paper
always talk about

6:07 PM
1/10/20

Love can make
you feel so vulnerable
yet so safe.
Love is indeed
the biggest
paradox
of life.

I want to gather all of our love
and plant it into our Earth.
I want to watch what grows
and nurture it with my life.
Only the sweetest flowers will bloom-
they will grow so high that even
the skies will sing their praise.
Let us never stop expanding
this vast garden of love.

Yes,
I miss you,
but sometimes I
miss myself
too.

Memories never leave us,
no matter how much time has passed.
How selfish of the human mind-
to dig up memories
one thought they had buried
long ago.

I want to love and
I want to feel alive so
what's holding me back?

12:18 PM
9/4/22

Does my cat
still look over you
like I told him to all those years ago?
I made him promise to protect you,
as I wish I could from afar.
But time has a funny way
of changing our lives,
just look at how far we've come!
After all this time and he still follows you,
across the ocean, in winter and in darkness.
Every now and then he tells me of your flourishing
and I could not be any more proud.
One thing I know for certain that
has not changed is my promise to the cat.
To this day he still watches over you,
admires and adores you.
I think he always will.

Summer has
only just begun,
yet it feels like winter
now that you are here.
Hell will freeze over
by the time all is
said and done.

Trust is confessing
you are smothered in oil
to the person holding
the match.

God I hope she does
not end up like you when she
is older, amen

3:07 AM
18/9/22

Dear diary;
on one hand,
I hate being so alone
and on the other,
I have never felt more alone
than I do among others.
What sort of cruel paradox is this?
Perhaps I cannot connect
to anyone, let alone,
myself.

Sleep's not the cure
but it sure as hell helps to
ease some of this pain

6:53 PM
18/2/20

There was I time,
long ago,
when I could sleep
in peace-
in love.
I didn't need to dream
when you were in my arms-
my dreams could not compare to
the way I could close my eyes
and wake up to the scent of you.
But gone are those days,
and I am left with the memory.
Now, I find my thoughts
running in circles,
always back
to you.

You didn't recoil from my touch,
you didn't run from my soul,
you just didn't want me
the way I wanted you.

Don't be my regret,
be my only memory
and my only love

9:20 PM
16/11/19

I jumped into
the sea of your love
even though I couldn’t swim well.
The last thing I remember
was when I sank
tied to your heavy heart.

Ugly thoughts
and ugly habits
on a Wednesday night.
I’m out of *** and
have an early start tomorrow.
It's just me, my pen and
these thoughts now.  
****...

I don't believe in
intelligent design yet
somehow you're divine

1:18 PM
16/8/20

I don't think I
have felt love for
far longer than I
care to admit,
so what have I
been doing all
these years?

Dear diary;
today I
did not write,
I did not paint,
and I did not compose.
I did not live today but,
then again, I guess that's
no different to any other day.

You are never far,
just a photograph away.
The nights are never cold,
as I envision your smile.
I'm never really alone,
as I recall the memories.

Hey, how are you?
How’s your family?
Where have you been lately?
There are so many things  
I have been meaning to ask you.
Can’t believe it’s been so long
since I last heard your voice.
It's true, I still miss you sometimes
but I now see you're probably
better off without me.
Just looking back on us
never fails to put a smile
upon my face,
but it also brings a tear
to know I can't make you
smile
anymore.

There is no such thing
as a life without pain.  
Pain follows from the cradle to the grave.
From the moment our mothers suffered
to give birth to us,
to the moment it all ends,
life is one big, precious, painful process.
So embrace the pain,
let it shape you, liberate you, learn from it!
Pain is a part of life so you may as well
learn to embrace it.

Her blue hair
played the blues
upon my heartstrings-
a song so beautiful
she entranced the moon above.
Together, we danced beneath the starry night
wondering when her song
could cure our blues.

This darkness
has not left me alone.
It consumes me
day after day-
night after night-
a void I cannot escape.
It's like I'm dreaming
but can't wake up.

Everything will be
okay just as long as I
get to call you mine

3:49 PM
22/2/24

I've been painting a picture
for as long as I can remember.
I remember going out to buy the
canvas and paints, the brush and the easel.
I spent years on this painting,
making sure every stroke,
every shade was perfect.
I made mistakes,
but it was nothing I couldn't fix.
This painting is my pride and joy-
everything I have to show
for the last few years.
I invested everything into that painting:
time and money, tears and joy-
and then the painting was stolen away.
Sure, it might still be out there, maybe not,
but I don't think I will ever see it again,
no matter how hard I try.
All I can do now is remember how proud I was
of what I had accomplished and what went into it.
I think this is why it is so hard
for people to let go-
to start over and face a blank canvas
as daunting as that may be,
rather than not paint again.
This is why it is important to know
when to let it go,
to start again and forget
about my portrait
of you.

Hold my beating heart,
it's the only piece of me
I still live without

3:59 PM
12/9/20

I still think of you.
My heart still aches for you
as it waits to be with you again.
Until then, I must keep you in my thoughts
and in my heart with all my love.

Just like the switch
to this ******* room,
I wish there was a switch
to turn off this heart,
this soul and
this mind.

Dear Diary;
this year already
tastes like last year
and I can see the
rot ahead.

It took a lot of
courage to tell you that I
am far from okay

5:10 AM
16/12/19

One day you'll be gone
and I have to figure out
how to deal with that

12:01 AM
20/9/22

I can't decide if
I want to fall asleep or
gently pass away

11:16 PM
16/8/20

The soul does not reside in the chest,
it resides in the brain,
perceiving reality
through the lens
we call our mind.

I do not need you,
I think I just need to not
need you anymore

11:02 AM
24/10/20

Today
I will pretend
it's any other day.
Today
I will try not
to cry out your name.
Today
I will try to not
to let it hurt so bad.
Today
was never meant
to be so sad.

There's nothing sadder
than facing the future without
the one you planned it with.

The greatest men are
the most alone... at least that's
what I tell myself

9:20 PM
27/10/20

I will wait for you
where the sunflowers
meet the sun.

Maybe we met too young.
Maybe at that time,
we didn’t know how to love each other right.
Do you think if we met years from now,
we would be right for each other?
If five years from now,
you decide that you miss me,
there’s a strong chance I’d take you back.

How can I make you
love the emptiness inside
of me once again?

8:53 PM
7/11/19

You and I
were born on
opposite ends
of the galaxy.
All my life,
I have clung to the stars
just to make my way
to your constellation.

my love for you has evolved-
it doesn’t tear me apart
anymore
or leave me lonely,
but it doesn’t make for
great company either.

I will always speak
of you kindly, but I won't
recall you that way.

12:06 AM
16/10/21

Only in poetry
do we still exist.
Only within each verse
can I still adore you and
only within each word
can I still find bliss.

Winter goes into hibernation
and spring comes out a little early in August.
Brief but blissful moments of warmth
come and go,
bringing with it,
memories of a love lost long ago.

Why are we always
looking for love in the wrong
people and places?

6:39 PM
7/11/20

Some nights I
think about dragging
myself back to Hell,
and then I think
maybe it's best
to let go.

I'll never forget that day
you caught me off-guard like that.
The way you so effortlessly
drew my breath away
upon first sight
as if to make room
for what could have been.