I gave everything
to hold on to something I
never even had

9:31 PM
3/6/19

Never admit defeat
when there's still
time to
win.

Ah, nevermind,
anyway, wherever you are right now,
whatever you are doing,
I wish you all the best
this world can offer-
always and forever.
You deserve it.
And though our lives
don't always go as planned,
when it pulls you down and
drags you through Hell,
remember you have come so far.
You can get through it-
I’m sure you’re still the
strong person I remember.
And when you feel lost, sad,
hollow, lonely or exhausted,
understand that it’s okay
to feel them all.
You’re okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
Let it flow, let it go.
Good things are waiting for you
and let me remind that if you ever need
someone to talk to,
you'll know where to find me.
Don’t hesitate to call,
I’ll be here with open arms.
Just because we don't keep in touch,
does not mean I don't still adore you to the core.
But more importantly,
please don’t forget that you matter.
You are adored.

Does my cat
still look over you
like I told him to all those years ago?
I made him promise to protect you,
as I wish I could from afar.
But time has a funny way
of changing our lives,
just look at how far we've come!
After all this time and he still follows you,
across the ocean, in winter and in darkness.
Every now and then he tells me of your flourishing
and I could not be any more proud.
One thing I know for certain that
has not changed is my promise to the cat.
To this day he still watches over you,
admires and adores you.
I think he always will.

If this world makes you
sad then let me be the one
to make you happy

11:08 PM
28/4/22

I'll never forget that day
you caught me off-guard like that.
The way you so effortlessly
drew my breath away
upon first sight
as if to make room
for what could have been.

It’s mostly silence and sorrow
between us now.
We’re not lovers anymore,
but we will always have this
miracle between us,
the kind that only angels know
when the heavens glance
upon her celestial face.

I think forgetting
will always be easier
than remembering

9:50 AM
31/7/22

I will always speak
of you kindly, but I won't
recall you that way.

12:06 AM
16/10/21

If I close my eyes,
maybe imagination
will bring me to you

4:58 PM
4/12/20

look them in the eye,
and kiss them deeply
until all of their rage is gone.
swallow their pain and fury whole,
become the storm yourself,
learn to survive yourself

Those were not my tears,
they were memories streaming
that I can't get back

1:09 AM
2/6/19

I was your someone
until you became someone
else's someone

I want to be in many places
and many times
all at once.
But I am here,
inside me,
inside this reality,
inside this fragment of history
that we cannot escape.

heartbreak
after heartbreak-
can you make me
believe that love isn't
this vicious?

Everyone's in the search
for a love that doesn't exist,
without first knowing who they really are.
How are you supposed to know
what love you will find,
love you can give,
if you don't bother to know
the love you are?

So what is there left
for me to get excited
about anymore?

3:55 PM
26/11/20

God I hope she does
not end up like you when she
is older, amen

3:07 AM
18/9/22

I have been
waiting for the
December rain to
cleanse me once again
of the pain and grime
I have gathered
over the year.

You took
my soul
and ran

Amber and blue
intertwine and recombine,
resulting in a grisly clash
of colours and chaos.
Every year it's the same old battle:
the bitter blues of winter,
the alluring ambers of spring,
each a spectrum
not to be reckoned with.
But as the final days of winter conclude,
amber waits upon the other side.
I'm running the final stretch now-
yes, I do believe such beauty
is now within my grasp.
Amber and blue,
the battle draws to a close
and I do believe
that amber
will prevail.

Death to these feelings-
and death to this night, for it
doesn't seem to end

7:39 PM
23/8/19

Dear diary;
on one hand,
I hate being so alone
and on the other,
I have never felt more alone
than I do among others.
What sort of cruel paradox is this?
Perhaps I cannot connect
to anyone, let alone,
myself.

Happy?
No, not quite.
These days,
I'd say I'm more content.
Yeah,
content,
I like the sound of that.

How do I get back
all of this love that I gave
to the wrong people?

7:18 AM
22/7/22

Her blue hair
played the blues
upon my heartstrings-
a song so beautiful
she entranced the moon above.
Together, we danced beneath the starry night
wondering when her song
could cure our blues.

Even before
the beginning,
I knew that I would love you
long after
the end.

I guess I should have known better
than to let you in again, right?
I guess not.
No matter how many times
you leave a hole in my chest
leaving me to pick up the pieces
I always find my heart crawling back
to you to give you another chance
that you don’t deserve.
My heart, the fool, thinks that maybe
this time you’ve changed for the better.
Maybe this time, you really mean it.
Maybe this time, you will not repeat.
*******.

You are the one that
my heart, my pen and paper
always talk about

6:07 PM
1/10/20

It was in the
heart of winter where
I found, within me,
a radiant sun.

I can't decide if
I want to fall asleep or
gently pass away

11:16 PM
16/8/20

Even when I'm happy,
there is a certain sadness.
Even in my words, my smile,
there is a hint of melancholy
that I cannot escape.

If only I was
physically tired
rather than
mentally tired
at the end of
each day.

Everything will be
okay just as long as I
get to call you mine

3:49 PM
22/2/24

I want to gather all of our love
and plant it into our Earth.
I want to watch what grows
and nurture it with my life.
Only the sweetest flowers will bloom-
they will grow so high that even
the skies will sing their praise.
Let us never stop expanding
this vast garden of love.

You are never far,
just a photograph away.
The nights are never cold,
as I envision your smile.
I'm never really alone,
as I recall the memories.

Sleep's not the cure
but it sure as hell helps to
ease some of this pain

6:53 PM
18/2/20

I can't keeping living
like there's a nightmare behind
every last corner

3:57 PM
28/10/20

Just like the switch
to this ******* room,
I wish there was a switch
to turn off this heart,
this soul and
this mind.

There is no such thing
as a life without pain.  
Pain follows from the cradle to the grave.
From the moment our mothers suffered
to give birth to us,
to the moment it all ends,
life is one big, precious, painful process.
So embrace the pain,
let it shape you, liberate you, learn from it!
Pain is a part of life so you may as well
learn to embrace it.

I still think of you.
My heart still aches for you
as it waits to be with you again.
Until then, I must keep you in my thoughts
and in my heart with all my love.

Have you ever danced
to the rhythm of the sunflowers?
The notes of the sun fall on our feet
as I sway with the petals
from dawn until dusk.

I am hollow
but full of demons
and nothing more.
I hear their shrieks echo
through this soul and sometimes
it is more than I can take.
Some days are better than others-
some days they do not take the air
out of my lungs and leave me
choking for my sanity.
There is nothing else in me,
not anymore,
just demons and more demons
that swallow me whole.

I've been painting a picture
for as long as I can remember.
I remember going out to buy the
canvas and paints, the brush and the easel.
I spent years on this painting,
making sure every stroke,
every shade was perfect.
I made mistakes,
but it was nothing I couldn't fix.
This painting is my pride and joy-
everything I have to show
for the last few years.
I invested everything into that painting:
time and money, tears and joy-
and then the painting was stolen away.
Sure, it might still be out there, maybe not,
but I don't think I will ever see it again,
no matter how hard I try.
All I can do now is remember how proud I was
of what I had accomplished and what went into it.
I think this is why it is so hard
for people to let go-
to start over and face a blank canvas
as daunting as that may be,
rather than not paint again.
This is why it is important to know
when to let it go,
to start again and forget
about my portrait
of you.

Life is a
series of moments
I have to pretend to
feel what I don't feel
in that moment.

Yes,
I miss you,
but sometimes I
miss myself
too.

If only I
didn't have to
fade from your view.
I could be a continuous memory
with no end in sight.
It would be a dream that
never had to end.

I am torn between
wanted to disappear and
wanting to be seen

10:20 PM
3/1/20

Hang onto your hope-
a sunflower in this gloomy world.
Remember the brightness
of past times.
Have a little faith,
that this too shall pass
as we plant the seeds
of more hope.

One day you'll be gone
and I have to figure out
how to deal with that

12:01 AM
20/9/22