Time seems to only fly
when you
don't want it to,
right?
Sometimes our days drag on
and on like passing clouds-
other days, like shooting stars-
blink and you'll miss it.

I do envy the ocean.
They call its darkest parts
mysterious,
not ugly.

We all wander,
sometimes too much,
about those who truly care
for us.
We believe that no one
would care if we weren’t here-
but think about all the ones that
you have ever cared about and
how they have no idea about it.
I had a college teacher I
haven’t seen in too long
yet I still tell people how much
of an impact he had even though
he doesn't have a clue.
I have old coworkers,
people I met through travels,
and friends turned acquaintances
and haven’t seen in years
who I would be devastated about
if something happened to them.
We secretly care about so many people
but act like it’s impossible that
anyone cares about us.
Impossible - people do.
more than you think,
even if you can’t see it.

Those were not my tears,
they were memories streaming
that I can't get back

1:09 AM
2/6/19

If I close my eyes,
maybe imagination
will bring me to you

4:58 PM
4/12/20

Oh, how she
longs for sweet, little
death
while I long for
her sweet, little
heart

Another year
is here,
another promise
of change.
But my only wish
is for our love
to stay
the same.

I do not need you,
I think I just need to not
need you anymore

11:02 AM
24/10/20

This darkness
has not left me alone.
It consumes me
day after day-
night after night-
a void I cannot escape.
It's like I'm dreaming
but can't wake up.

If this world makes you
sad then let me be the one
to make you happy

11:08 PM
28/4/22

In all honesty,
I didn't like how it ended.
I tried convincing myself
that is was okay,
but it was never okay,
and it never will be.
But that doesn't mean
I wish it never happened.
I'm glad it did-
I needed it to,
and as much as I
wish to rewrite the ending,
I know I wouldn't be the person
I am today if it had
happened differently.

It's been a while
since the last time
I dreamed of
you and I.

what actually were we
other than two broken hearts,
and two lost souls?
A sense of passion, yet only for an instant,
leading to an everlasting
feeling of torment.
Our distant dreams of romance
never quite turned into a reality
without even a daydream of hope.

I will always speak
of you kindly, but I won't
recall you that way.

12:06 AM
16/10/21

I myself in
the blissful radiance of
the sunflower field
contained within your soul.
It warms me like the eternal bond
between the sun
and the flower.

Ah, nevermind,
anyway, wherever you are right now,
whatever you are doing,
I wish you all the best
this world can offer-
always and forever.
You deserve it.
And though our lives
don't always go as planned,
when it pulls you down and
drags you through Hell,
remember you have come so far.
You can get through it-
I’m sure you’re still the
strong person I remember.
And when you feel lost, sad,
hollow, lonely or exhausted,
understand that it’s okay
to feel them all.
You’re okay.
Everything is going to be okay.
Let it flow, let it go.
Good things are waiting for you
and let me remind that if you ever need
someone to talk to,
you'll know where to find me.
Don’t hesitate to call,
I’ll be here with open arms.
Just because we don't keep in touch,
does not mean I don't still adore you to the core.
But more importantly,
please don’t forget that you matter.
You are adored.

I don’t like
that I miss you this much.
No matter how many lies
I tell myself,
I still can't shake
these lingering
feelings.

Does my cat
still look over you
like I told him to all those years ago?
I made him promise to protect you,
as I wish I could from afar.
But time has a funny way
of changing our lives,
just look at how far we've come!
After all this time and he still follows you,
across the ocean, in winter and in darkness.
Every now and then he tells me of your flourishing
and I could not be any more proud.
One thing I know for certain that
has not changed is my promise to the cat.
To this day he still watches over you,
admires and adores you.
I think he always will.

Never admit defeat
when there's still
time to
win.

Yes, life does go on-
it's not the same as before,
but it does go on.

12:08 PM
10/4/21

So what is there left
for me to get excited
about anymore?

3:55 PM
26/11/20

I gave everything
to hold on to something I
never even had

9:31 PM
3/6/19

look them in the eye,
and kiss them deeply
until all of their rage is gone.
swallow their pain and fury whole,
become the storm yourself,
learn to survive yourself

Even when I
write about you,
the ink that smudges
upon my hand takes
the shape of you.

Even before
the beginning,
I knew that I would love you
long after
the end.

It is not death that
worries me, it's the moments
that come before it

5:05 PM
20/10/20

Trust is confessing
you are smothered in oil
to the person holding
the match.

You are the one that
my heart, my pen and paper
always talk about

6:07 PM
1/10/20

I have been
waiting for the
December rain to
cleanse me once again
of the pain and grime
I have gathered
over the year.

I was your someone
until you became someone
else's someone

I can't keeping living
like there's a nightmare behind
every last corner

3:57 PM
28/10/20

I am hollow
but full of demons
and nothing more.
I hear their shrieks echo
through this soul and sometimes
it is more than I can take.
Some days are better than others-
some days they do not take the air
out of my lungs and leave me
choking for my sanity.
There is nothing else in me,
not anymore,
just demons and more demons
that swallow me whole.

Death to these feelings-
and death to this night, for it
doesn't seem to end

7:39 PM
23/8/19

I guess I should have known better
than to let you in again, right?
I guess not.
No matter how many times
you leave a hole in my chest
leaving me to pick up the pieces
I always find my heart crawling back
to you to give you another chance
that you don’t deserve.
My heart, the fool, thinks that maybe
this time you’ve changed for the better.
Maybe this time, you really mean it.
Maybe this time, you will not repeat.
*******.

I want to be in many places
and many times
all at once.
But I am here,
inside me,
inside this reality,
inside this fragment of history
that we cannot escape.

It’s mostly silence and sorrow
between us now.
We’re not lovers anymore,
but we will always have this
miracle between us,
the kind that only angels know
when the heavens glance
upon her celestial face.

Everyone's in the search
for a love that doesn't exist,
without first knowing who they really are.
How are you supposed to know
what love you will find,
love you can give,
if you don't bother to know
the love you are?

You took
my soul
and ran

Her blue hair
played the blues
upon my heartstrings-
a song so beautiful
she entranced the moon above.
Together, we danced beneath the starry night
wondering when her song
could cure our blues.

Amber and blue
intertwine and recombine,
resulting in a grisly clash
of colours and chaos.
Every year it's the same old battle:
the bitter blues of winter,
the alluring ambers of spring,
each a spectrum
not to be reckoned with.
But as the final days of winter conclude,
amber waits upon the other side.
I'm running the final stretch now-
yes, I do believe such beauty
is now within my grasp.
Amber and blue,
the battle draws to a close
and I do believe
that amber
will prevail.

I still think of you.
My heart still aches for you
as it waits to be with you again.
Until then, I must keep you in my thoughts
and in my heart with all my love.

How do I get back
all of this love that I gave
to the wrong people?

7:18 AM
22/7/22

God I hope she does
not end up like you when she
is older, amen

3:07 AM
18/9/22

Yes,
I miss you,
but sometimes I
miss myself
too.

I can't decide if
I want to fall asleep or
gently pass away

11:16 PM
16/8/20

Sleep's not the cure
but it sure as hell helps to
ease some of this pain

6:53 PM
18/2/20

Dear diary;
on one hand,
I hate being so alone
and on the other,
I have never felt more alone
than I do among others.
What sort of cruel paradox is this?
Perhaps I cannot connect
to anyone, let alone,
myself.

Some days are harder than others.
This separation cuts deep and all I can do
is hope that I will see you soon.
Come back into my arms,
anchor this heart so that I
will not fade from yours.

It was in the
heart of winter where
I found, within me,
a radiant sun.

Even when I'm happy,
there is a certain sadness.
Even in my words, my smile,
there is a hint of melancholy
that I cannot escape.