Delilah baby I can feel the weight of you in my arms.

I can feel my k to z love for you and see how that laugh of yours makes people cry
and how that smile pierces my heart because it looks just like his did.

I can feel the sun kissing each one of our toes as we sit overlooking the grand canyon in the kaleidoscope sunset.
your spider fingers are wrapped in my hair like a plea to never be left alone
your spindle legs are all knobby kneed and pale entwined with mine.

baby he left me not you.

I was a hurricane and he loved you too much to look

afraid that one glance and he'd be head over heels reeling out of control
like you were the drug and he was the addict.

they say everything happens for a reason and you are my reason.

Delilah baby you are the here and the now of forever.
the stop sign on the corner is an obstacle for street racers but its a godsend because its just enough of a pause for me to kiss you between the eyes.

and I can't ever finish anything so this story isn't complete

and at the top of the pass where the air is clear enough if we sing loud enough maybe he will hear us and remember who he left behind.

Maybe begging you to stay was the reason

it was 5:30 a.m. and you told me I wasn't the one

and all of these poems are ******* and have nothing to do with anything that is going on in my head

but three months ago I tried to **** myself and you wouldn't answer your phone.

when you saw me the next night you told me everyone has bad days.

With beer in hand and stagger to your walk I believed you

Cause you were right,

everyone has bad days, I would never deny anyone of that

even my bad days are better than others

I have never had my stomach pumped,

I have never drank till I have passed out

I have never been in a car accident

but I have tasted the cold bitter remnants of what love was supposed to be after swallowing one too many pills

I have opened my skin in the attempt rid my blood of you

I have stained sheet after sheet with what I thought beautiful was,

still all I can hear is you preaching that it's just another bad day

Human beings have five vital organs
but the most interesting of these is the heart
even the heart tries to keep us from looking back
blood flows through on a one way street, teaching us the importance of moving forward

This is what I see when I look at you,
someone that the world has beaten down over and over
yet this has only made you stronger instead of a victim

someone that has pulled himself out of the darkness countless times
only to have it make him brighter

I see someone who has been lost with no direction
yet created a map through the unknown to guide you home

I see someone who has fought
someone that gives his all
someone that loves so hard he sometimes forgets to love himself

I see someone that has the world waiting at his fingers tips
someone that deserves peace
someone I am more than proud of

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes

see, I loved you with everything I had
and I know you loved me the best you could without loving yourself
you were fighting demons of your own design
doing everything you could to calm the eternal flames rising from your core

I spent years begging them to possess me instead
years fighting for you to love me in a way you couldn't

in the end, I got what I had been begging for

now, I am trying to dampen the flames rising from my core
fighting demons of my own design

The strongest earthquake ever recorded was a 9.5 on the richter scale
the ground began to shake
quivering at first rattling the tea cups on the shelf until
buildings began to crumble like they were made from a deck of cards
falling to the ground into heaps of rubble

sometimes I feel like I am stuck under the rubble
weighing down on my chest
crushing the air out of my lungs
but I think somewhere along the line I got used to it
made peace with the fact that no one was going to find me

There is a species of Jellyfish that is immortal

deceased people can still get goosebumps

blind people do not see the color black, they see nothing.

these are the facts that I read as I try to distract myself from thinking about

how you called me three times last night

begging me to answer

hearing my phone cry into the silence my hazy margarita mind has created

facts, facts, facts

immortal Jellyfish

goosebumps

blind

I didn’t answer, I pressed decline and rushed to the bathroom

to gag your memory from my stomach into the porcelain bowl

I fell asleep on the bathroom floor

i awoke in my *****

wishing I would die

with goosebumps

and blind to what was happening to me.

all these words and I cannot form a single sentence about you and me
it’s like you are forbidden fruit
the apple I so violently want to grab
the devil is egging me on
when there is a greater force begging me to recoil

you know I thought I had ruined it
You know
ruined you
But you never forgot how to love me
And when I love you slipped out of my mouth that night you said it right back

I hope you find it brave girl
i hope you find someone that does more than embrace your flaws
no, i hope you find someone that colors outside your lines
someone that sees your rough edges and jigsaws themselves to fit into you
i hope that you find that brave girl
i hope you are loved like you deserve

I wrote a poem for you the other day but ill never give it to you
Just like i wrote you a letter everyday that i felt your memory swipe at my brain stem that month of June
You left footprints when you walked out unknowing that i could follow but as time wore on the footprints began to fade and so did you..

She is now all elbows and bird limbs
Eating her ever smaller
Hearing her cry in the night ****** nails on a chalk board
I want to hold her help her
Be the rescue swimmer in her ocean of tears
Holding for I am soft
Her daughter no fine specimen
A coward
A softy
Not once did she hold me
In seventh grade when I had my first kiss and he broke up with me for the girl with blonde hair and bangs
She said I was just too young
In eighth grade I fell in lust with a high school boy for the first time and ended it when I got bored but not before I gave him what i thought symbolized love.
I didn't tell her
In 9th grade I fell in love with a boy that would never be able to love me the way I wanted him to. But I stayed  for four years until I couldn't find any more of myself to break off and give to him.
She told me I would get over it.
I have a mother who the world made cold
And she had a daughter that felt too much
who she taught feeling was a waste of time

take this
barter my soul
throw it in the trash
plunge it into your next victim
get it away from me
It's all ****** up
I don't want it back

how to get over someone that was never yours to love:

step one: remember everything, savor every moment
remember the time you went long boarding and you crashed, breaking your ankle and he offered to carry you the rest of the way home.
remember the time he told you he loved you but you were out of his league (you should have disagreed)
remember when he let you cry on his lap when his best friend told you he hated you.
remember everything

step two: hate them,
hate what they wear and how their shirt hangs loosely over honey comb colored skin
hate who they talk to when they are consumed in a conversation
hate their smile and eyes and lips and finger because they are the parts of them you loved most

step three:  cry your heart out,
dry out your tear ducts until all that falls is ash and dust,
drink until your blood turns to alcohol,
drunk dial him a few time and tell him exactly what's on your mind
finally tell them you love them because maybe you don't know it but they may love you too

I want your last breath
before the unknown of sleep brings your world to a halt
before the nothing of your world is consuming
unapproachable
unimaginable by anyone but you

I want your body
before you give it away to the sandman
before you becoming heavy with relief from a long day

I want your touch just one last time
burning embers against my skin

take me away with you
give me your love
give me your heart
give me all of you

No one ever taught you how to grow up
the simplest things like which fork to use when you are dining with her parents for the first time
or how to change the fire alarms

So when you sit down for dinner you use the desert fork for the salad and wonder why you got yourself into this mess in the first place

and when your house goes up in flames you scream to the sky, you burn down with it.

The fact that he only made you more lonely should have been a clue,
sweetheart.

Stop trying to configure yourself with someone else's body parts,
they won't fit right

leaving you with a phantom limb here
a vestigial ***** there.

You thought it was love because he paid for your meal
and called back when you slammed the phone down,
but this was just because he was even lonelier than you.

He has only ever loved one girl
the last time he saw her she was holding a gun to herself
appointing herself the victim.

She was a tragedy of the most catastrophic kind
and he wasn't ready to be a refugee just yet,
but he let you shelter him.

You became the glaring neon sign, flashing "loneliness"

You took the bait, and he kept reeling in the line,
but was disappointed with what he found at the end.

I saw you last night
I tightened my jaw and averted my eyes
But not before I sympathized with the plaid shirt hanging from your hunched shoulders
Those buttons that have been replaced with my teeth, chipping away against your sternum
leaving me with a skyline smile
I saw you last night
I smiled
You acted like you had seen the sun set on this city a thousand times

They say it is a silent killer
but I have never heard a din so loud as the chemicals consume my brain
the voices in my head screaming for more
coercing my conscience

"just one, wait, that wasn't enough, a little more.. just a little more"

over and over
the cycle repeats
again and again

My heart is racing
my body is numb
I exhale
all the hurt
all the haunting memories
gone

over and over
the cycle repeats
again and again

"just one, wait, that wasn't enough, a little more.. just a little more"

You left

Like I was something to be forgotten

And maybe I am.
just another thing to forget

It takes 3 minutes for you to lose consciousness by lack of oxygen
This is suffocating
Your brain begins to fire neurons off into the maze of your body
telling it secrets that will forever be held on its tongue

Brain death occurs after 6 minutes
This is the cessation of all brain function
This is death by the deprivation of the air you need to go on
However
In any other circumstance where the heart is not deprived of oxygen
it will keep beating for a period of time.

this was me when you left
I went brain dead
My heart continues to beat of its' own accord
the pacemaker is set to pump my blood
but my lungs crept up and out of my throat
this was my suffocation
not by hanging, not by smothering

It takes 5 minutes for brain cells to start dying at a slow dance of a pace
This is asphyxiation
Consciousness will be lost within 2 minutes
like falling into a deep sleep, peaceful and then all at once

Asphyxiation is the build up of a substance such as carbon dioxide in the body that interferes with the oxygenation of your organs
This death is timely
The car running in the garage or the bag slipped over a head
This death takes 20 minutes

our love was a metaphor of this,
a slow dance into despair
the outcome was the same either way
but it seemed like you picked the method with the flip of a coin
it was lengthy,
it was beautiful,
but it was also devastating.

Teach me in the art of letting go
Your blue eyes only just met mine
in a collision of ice
frostbitten and screaming
behind long lashes
but they said you knew of abandonment
of being left behind
so, teach me in the art of letting go
of moving forward
of standing alone
teach me in the art of letting go

I don't want to write about sentimental ****,
not about how your eyes were the color of the ocean at dusk or how you are
made up of stardust and moon beams
Let's be real, you and I were never about that
You and I were about ***
we were about the backseats of cars, broken condoms, and plan B
drunken stutters of affection pushing between colliding hip bones
nauseous mornings filled with clipped recollection of what may or may not have occurred
We were never about those three little words, we survived on two
but even "*******" held little meaning
cuming from you
You and I were about chipped teeth,
separate bills for the meal of the last girls heart
I sustained myself on what you could give me
and you ate me dry
You and I were never about "we"
You and I were never that gullible,
you and I were never about sentimental ****
like flowers and poems.
You and I weren’t,  
But I was.

he wears cowboy boots to bed
and says "yes ma'am" like sweet tea pouring from his sunburnt lips
once we went up to the lake hitched our horses and went skinny dipping and he left his hat on

he removes his hat as a sign of respect
he holds a hand over his heart for the friends he left behind
he taught me to ride like my soul was being set free from that castle walls that were built

he two stepped with my mamma
when the music rang out through the grass
but that didn't make up for the time I was late for dinner because we couldn't pull our eyes from the stars

he shook hands with my father over burgers on the grill
high fived my little brother and called me baby
but that didn't make up for the time that we drove out the canyon and danced our way to the top of a mountain with no reception
we danced and swayed and stayed until the moon called me home

it is said that in the seconds leading to death life flashes before your eyes
but mine didn't

it is said that this disease is a silent killer
but I have never heard a din so loud as the chemicals consume my brain

it is said that 24% of people relapse within the first year

I was a statistic

I wasn't strong enough

but this time
I will not be a statistic
because I am not who I was

Did you get my letters?
I wrote to you every night
yet maybe I never sent them
I have been tired and uninspired by this atmosphere without you
All I want is home
and the only place I can have found that is nestled in your sternum
So please come back
I'm homesick

This is my theory of emotion.
It ruins you
Extracting bone marrow pain
Rubbing my every inch raw with your calloused and greedy fingers
This should be considered an emergency cause this **** don’t heal the pain
Popping pills of what ifs on an empty stomach
With the full knowledge of the inevitable bile rising into my throat
Acid gnawing holes in my stomach lining and revolting the truth
Spreading through my body like a parasite
Feeding off of my flesh and bone
Your consumption will be the end of me

You know, I think that maybe you were the right person at the wrong time


maybe you were the right person in the wrong lifetime

Ignore the trembling body that lay before you

Try to forget the sight of her sliver fingers curling around the reapers gift
remember how they caressed your hair last season when the sky was as pale as the skin between her thighs, an oasis that you knew all too well

Don't watch her growing ever smaller, the flesh you once drew your tongue over disintegrating

Finish your joint and turn the other way

You plucked the banjo strings of my heart in a tune that sounded like home
And as hard as I try
I cannot find the sheet music
A minor, but you are the master
And I am tone deaf to any key but you

Problem is, I forgot the words part way through so
I stopped singing along

Write it down

Tear it up and

Teach me to feel again

I can’t hear you any longer

But
Don’t stop, I need the vibrations ricocheting off my eardrums to continue on the way I have been

Help me out here
Lets take lessons
Start over and rewrite our song

she is dancing down the hallway
laughing like the world is made of all the good things
like her favorite flowers and twinkling lights

and god how i wish i could bottle this moment
pull her close and protect her from the harsh reality of heartbreak
when she realizes that not everything is made out of ribbons and glitter

but for now i revel in this moment
watching her twirling down the hallway
thinking that she is my world
that she is full of all the good things

the way he rolled his cigarettes was godly
and i know baby that you miss how he tastes of smoke and loneliness
and i know that you miss breathing in his aroma of stale coffee and sweat

you told me about how his hands caressed you like you were a whisper
and how he bit into your skin like you were something to be devoured

waves are crashing and in them is me
flames are burning and in them is me
wind is howling and in it is me
the earth is turning and in it is me

all these words are spiderweb tangled in my head
I can't seem to string them into a coherent strand of letters
spelling out how much i love you

You met my shadow
A monster that has been lying dormant for years
Just waiting to come out and take over

You met my shadow
The thing I tried so hard to hide and protect you from
Because I knew it would scare you away

You met my shadow
“She” appeared from the deepest hell inside of me
When I felt my world was crashing down
Taking advantage when I was weak

You met my shadow
For that I am sorry

And I don’t blame you because
When “she” comes out of the darkness
All I want is to run away too

I am not using her as an excuse
merely wanting you to understand that “she” is not me

A. This year I will no longer be tangled top sheets,
soiled comforters, or stained mattresses.
My blood runs clear and the extra year made me a little harder to ****. I started kissing boys on corners who had girlfriends, being someone we would never imagine of me and I bet you never expected ***** to run through these sober veins, couldn't handle me after four shots and you are inebriated by the alcohol seeping from my pores.
B. I started the year off kissing a bottle, not you
and
you ruined it, left me behind, a newborn still unsure how to walk unstable and unbalanced on tender feet.
you ruined it, left me to fend for myself among the wolves of the world,
C. It took me 907 days to learn how to love you in the way you needed it, this gestation was the slow decline of everything that defined me.
No one ever told me that each person needs love molded to them
so on the 909th day when you left, i had just perfected the sculpture, didn't have time to show you before you rushed in, knocked it on the floor and were gone
D. that is how we ended, shattered splinters of clay, scattering mosaic beautiful on the floor.
tied tongues and upset stomachs from too much alcohol and too little sleep
E. this is how we ended, strangers lips and foreign bed sheets
we went out like a poem if only I could find the right words

There are some things you can't refute
like how all babies are born with blue eyes
proving, even before they are born
they are trained in the beauty of taking their time
or how jam and jelly aren't the same thing
even though they are made of the same parts
or how someone will always be the second choice

There are some things that you cannot refute
like how your father left you
so you picked up the ax and taught yourself to be a man
swinging at trees and taking life into your own hands

It's not that these aren't simple truths
these are facts
things you cannot refute
like the way I feel when I look at you

thinking you were different was my crime

every night you stole from me like a waste of time

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wanting death is a poison
it takes over selfishly
but all of us in here want it
all of us in here are selfish
pinning for the first dance with the devil
for the first sip of poison

the woman in the bed next to me hears voices
the cackling of the clowns in her face
she tries to sleep and in her dreams she's running towards death

the russian woman in the 34A is screaming for someone to help her
but help her from what?
no one knows
she is pulling her maine of hair out
which was once so pretty when she was a young lady

the boy in the bathroom is trying to throw up lunch like purging will make him more of a person
now he asks me for a breath mint pretending like it's our secret
the next day he took a bite of the poisons apple hoping prince charming will find him one day

I kept begging to turn back time because i didn't belong here
but when I found a girl who's scars matched mine we told stories of the devil's diseased trees
and how laughter become painful noise

we talked of how the wind began to hurt and whisper to us
it would tell us that the only way to escape was to pick the leaves off the trees in the forest of hell

she made me realize death wasn't what i was running from
she made me realize that hell may be at my heels but it doesn't mean that i have to keep running
she made me realize that if i want to i can turn around and look the devil in the eyes and say
you won't be the end of me

we belong together
maybe as friends,
maybe as lovers
but god do i hope it's the latter

day one: you asked me if i was okay as i tried to hide the tears that were spilling down my face. i looked at you and my heart stopped right there and whispered, "hello old friend, I've been waiting for you"

day two: i woke up to a good morning text. i knew this was the beginning.

day three: we threw rocks in the river and you laughed as i slipped off my shoes in the dark and waded into the ice cold water. i told you how it made me feel alive to have it biting at my skin

day four: you told me it was a bad idea, that we weren't allowed to do this as your kisses led there way from the nape of my neck to the horizon of my lips

day five: i realized how beautiful you were when you spoke about the things you loved, how your smile threatened to consume your whole face.  but i also realized how beautiful you looked when you talked about the things that hurt, the things that you would never forget no matter how hard you tried

day six: i thought i would know you forever, in whatever sense that meant, i thought you would stick around. i realized how delusional this sounded after six days of knowing you. but you said you would stay.

day seven: the urge took over and i gave it all to you. every secret my body held, the words spilling off my tongue and into the space between us like a waterfall. like i said the urge took over and i gave it all to you.

day eight: you didn't value me enough to even whisper an explanation.

day nine: we were a story cut off mid sentence. with no happily ever af....

He looks so out of place curled alphabet pajamas against pale blue cotton sheets
Leaving me intravenous tube tongue tied
Wishing it was my veins the poisons were running through
Cause this green eyed baby doesn’t know the opposite of life yet

Shattered glass whispers from the hall slingshot my heart into my throat
At six this reality should be as far away as Pluto
This word that consumes life
It should be tucked away in the closet behind any monster that lingers there when the lights are off

He isn’t ready for the liquid filled lungs to take over and steal his breath
He doesn’t yet know any synonyms for love or how you feel invincible in the arms of the right person
He doesn’t yet know the imperfections that fill the world
He still believes in the magic that spills out of his favorite books
And still trusts without question
He hasn’t had time to grow into the person he was meant to be

I am not one to believe but lately I am thinking that
Whoever fills the sky
Please
Let it be my lungs
Let it be anyone but him

I have screamed her name from the top of this mountain so many times that the echo starts calling back before the one syllable love song leaves my lips


and the shale knows the tangy stick of my blood and sweat as they drip from the tip of my tongue colliding after a five foot free fall, and this is how I make a statement

I've been drinking bleach lately to rid you of this body
drinking cocktails of clorox and ammonia to scorch you from my insides
you are like a stain that won't be scrubbed out
you left this canvas so ***** that there is no hope that it will ever be white and innocent ever again

I have mistaken love for 12 nights of forced entries

I should have called the cops on this burglary because I can't find my innocence

the last time I saw it it was driving away in a gray F-150 spewing dirt from the tires

I think he lost it in the dust as I ran after him

but he doesn't want me with out it

Don't touch me
Wait, don't go
My mind has called the rebels and
I'm scared to be alone

Hold me
Quiet though
Wrapped in your shelter I feel like I'm home

one day you will regret watching her walk away
you will remember her as the girl who loved you into oblivion
who withered herself away in the hopes that it would make you stay

one day the memory of her hips will begin to gnaw at your heart
the bitter cold bedsheets will eat at your bones

you will think of her when you wake in the middle of the night
because her memory has become your nightmare

Does it count when she changed her mind at the last moment
that she whimpered no over and over, but you couldn't here over the slapping of skin on skin.

He says "Don't tell anyone,
he says, people don't want to hear poems about things like **** and death and the ugly."

But why, it is the wrenching truth?

No one wants to hear about another woman's body being violated
they say, "It happens all the time, you were asking for it."

Does it count that he had a girlfriend?
When he pinned her on her stomach with arms over her head
forcing the innocent from her body, slapping used on her forehead so she felt like a piece of trash

Does it count when she took months to tell her mom why the lights had shut off in her eyes?
When she couldn't look her dad in the eye because she was so ashamed,
when she retracted from the slightest touch.

Does it still count?

This perfection
at my finger tips ebbing closer and closer
circling satellite numbers inside my head
55, 47,42,38, 35,29, 28, 24, 20, smaller, smaller, smaller
This is all that matters

Brittle bones
accentuated hip bones
bruises smatter over transparent skin
like a painters next painting that found a home in the dumpster full of could haves

Flat stomach
Ya, celery is my favorite food...
and I can't seem to get out of bed

Sunken eyes,
but I don't do drugs

Perfection is so close
Numbers
Smaller and smaller
Flatter and flatter

I left behind the person I used to be
She is waiting on the other side
with open arms