This perfection
at my finger tips ebbing closer and closer
circling satellite numbers inside my head
55, 47,42,38, 35,29, 28, 24, 20, smaller, smaller, smaller
This is all that matters

Brittle bones
accentuated hip bones
bruises smatter over transparent skin
like a painters next painting that found a home in the dumpster full of could haves

Flat stomach
Ya, celery is my favorite food...
and I can't seem to get out of bed

Sunken eyes,
but I don't do drugs

Perfection is so close
Numbers
Smaller and smaller
Flatter and flatter

I left behind the person I used to be
She is waiting on the other side
with open arms

you're still a mystery
aren't you?

i still haven't composed a web of words for you
have i?

I haven't written about the time we went skydiving and i didn't scream
but when i did scream riding the roller coaster on the boardwalk
you made fun of me

i didn't tell you that the words got lost up there at 18,000 feet
and i haven't been able to find them since

I haven't compared you (nor will i) to the stars and the moon
but i will compare you to a bed of rose thorns
craving and drawing blood with the slightest touch

i will compare you to a stargazer lily
my favorite thing to look at

You asked me if I was okay.
Not really wanting to know the answer. It was more of a
prerequisite to getting me to your bed.
Watch out.
Caring can be a sign of weakness, a sweet spot to the whole **** building collapsing
Boy, can’t you see how weak you are?
You break bones like twigs, sitting awake at 2 a.m. drunk and alone pretending to enjoy yourself
When it takes all of your courage to face the darkness
And I am darkness, no wonder you could never face me sober
I have been here for far too long, looking for an end,
But all I keep coming up with is a map of this maze I can’t find my way out of. Instead, I find my way to you. Join me,
I will try and save you
But my lips never held enough alcohol for intoxication, never enough to get your next fix
Hurling crushed cans out windows, you created birds out of bubbles and hops
And other **** that made you look like the child that jumped out of the tree thinking he would fly and realizing he couldn’t, and
I wanted to make you fly
You found out and tied boulders around your ankles, willing me to try harder. And I did. Everyday. Until I got dizzy eventually and I will never be strong enough pathetic boy, nor you will ever be brave enough to handle a being like me
In the end the sweet spot gave and the whole **** bridge came down
I gave up on boulders and flying and began to swim
I sure had had enough practice breathing underwater
This time I left you to drown

-KZ

Years ago,
I wrote a poem
warning to "never make a home of a human"

Today,
I find myself a hypocrite
eating my own advice and swallowing it whole

I made a home of you
only to realize it was constructed of straw
and all it took was one huff and one puff from you to blow the whole thing to the ******* ground

Absence has seven letters
As does your name
I should have seen the glaring neon warning in this
But I was too busy counting the seven scars that you claimed defined you
Giving a heroic story to each
Slowly encoding your biography into my blood
I met you on the seventh of July
A glowering shadow across the bonfire
A smile filled with seven fake teeth
Hands that would become all too familiar in the months preceding

It took me seven days to memorize the seven numbers connecting you to me
One number a day for a whole week
Seven numbers that I cannot will myself to forget
I find my fingers attracted to each in succession
Only to hang up when I hear your raspy hello in the early hours of the morning

There are seven wonders of the world
I claim to have seen each
As I scour over your body
Finding the Taj Mahal carefully constructed of your hip bones
Balancing on the Great Wall of your fifth rib
Touring the marbled landscape of the Coliseum between your shoulder blades
Your smile
Hands
Nose
Voice
But there are also seven deadly sins
Lying tongues and tears shed

Fly over me phoenix
fly
love me tulip
let me grow through the dirt and soil my petals
reaching my buds to the sky
offering my leaves to grow

sun warm me
warm me
call my name
feed me with your rays
and fill me with your light

maybe i am foolish,
for i feel i am biding my time
waiting to meet my creator
drawing my blood to check if i am still alive
purging memories from my mind
gulping  hallucinogens to try and see the future
but all i can see is the past
all i can see is you

i remember the nights we filled the air with laughter
shining our faces to the stars greeting them like old friends
lying on a carpet of grass that molded to our bodies
listening to each others breath sounding like the hymns of angels descending

but now all i can do is sleep
pretending the world hasn't ****** me up seven ways to sunday
trying to calm the rattling in my lungs
trying to pretend i haven't bee split in two like the spine of a book and ruined everything inside

one day it will all make sense
it will make sense why i cry tears of a phoenix that seem to fix everyone but me
why i breathe fire and scorch everything i touch
why i have to be locked away in order to one day be lovable and suitable for this world
this world that is trying to destroy me as i stand by submitting myself to its wrath

I was raised on dissonance
watching the mental conflicts rage war in each of the human beings I am a product of.
they almost named me concordance so that I would never feel like I was the product of two failures
so that I would feel whole in a divided world
but from day one I have been an anomaly
loving pain but living with the fear of being hurt
this is why they named me variance
to teach me that growing up meant filling in the pieces
and that it was okay if each piece was taken from another whole to patch yourself together
I was raised on numbers
my first word was five
this number composes all human beings
five fingers
five toes
five vital organs
but none of them are mine.

-KZ

my dear
do not fall for the broken ones
i know what it's like to crave being needed
but just because they are broken doesn't mean you can fix them

my dear
never blame timing
i strongly believe that everything happens when it happens for a reason

my dear
love at first sight is real
however that doesn't mean it will last forever

my dear
let the world bruise you
let it tear you apart
this is the only way to learn that you can heal from anything

my dear
there is no beauty in being damaged
there is beauty in surviving
there is respect in surviving
and there is art in surviving

my dear
never try and fill the void you feel with another's body
this will only make it bigger

my dear
we tend to break our own hearts
loving others too much and ourselves too little


my dear
you have to accept that some people will stay in your heart and on your mind endlessly
but i promise it won't hurt forever

It is said that the soul weighs 41 grams
this means that of my 68,038 grams my central existence only makes up .06% of my whole being
leaving 99.94% of me bone and flesh
I am made up of strangers
of dust and dirt
of the leftovers…

as the hickies slowly faded so did the memory of you
as the red turned purple against my skin your smile began to float away

how perfect it was
teeth aligned just so
fighting with your lips to be seen

and don’t get me started on your lips
they tasted like home
they were two glowing embers
and when I pressed mine to them they ignited into the most glorious of flames

and don’t get me started on your eyes
burning holes in my soul with your stare
you looked through me like I was transparent and had nothing to hide

then there were your hands
a godly creation
making me feel electric and alive at the slightest touch

as the hickies slowly faded so did these memories of you
as purple turned back to flesh against my skin your smile began to float away

You left a hickey on my neck- claiming that it was your way of telling every other glancing boy that I was yours
But you never wanted to get ash on your clothes from my fallout and it just kept coming
you said you loved me like a friend but ****** me like the enemy and now I find myself hating Thursdays because watching you drive away from me in the lightening storm made me hate myself even more
In an instant I had become everything I told myself I would not

You looked at me like I held your world upon my chest
And god did I want to be strong enough to carry it through this life
But I wasn't
So slowly continent by continent I handed it back to you
Hesitantly you took it
Tucking it away
Waiting for someone else to come along and piece it back together

wanting death is a poison
it takes over selfishly  
the slow seduction of the devil
the encroaching madness of the clown at the carnival
a stampede of stallions running straight at you
and snow whites situation doesn't sound that bad

leaves become razor blades hanging off of brittle branches
laughter becomes nails on a chalk board screeching into your ears
the wind bites and slices you to pieces
and no matter how fast you run hell is at your heels

I want to touch the ink that covers your body
ask you your secrets
search your gooseflesh skin

I want to sink my teeth into your perfect lips

I want you to **** the nectar from my sweet spots
tangle our hair into one

I want you to hand me your soul in a cloud

I want your jumbled teeth
and your tell me everything smile

i have watched the sunset in your smile a thousand times
and i have watched it set a thousand and one
because the last time i saw you was the last time the sun set and i haven't seen it since

I have never felt as close to you as when home died holding my hand
Amidst flannel sheets and goose down comforters
Your memory waded through the Pacific to me
Finally finding the truth in absence

It ******* hurts

Murky skied nights write poems in dark water
Leaving the stars to fend for themselves
Like orphaned children waiting for death to spin the wheel backwards
Trick time to get one more day

Let me in
I have been standing in the lonely for far
too long. My shoes have wasted away and
my skin has wither, flower petal to my bone
rooted tree trunk to this spot outside of your world unfolding in the shadows
a tree branch on your window tracing
silhouette shapes beneath your covers
burn me up to be soot in your lungs
what a beautiful resting place for all of the terrors
that are to come

Before I met you i was an unnamed hurricane
i was destruction leaving only pain in my wake
the earth rattled beneath my feet and threatened to swallow me whole

then you came along
and the chaos calmed
the storm began to settle

you kissed the scars on my being
kissed them like they were something beautiful
like they helped configure my whole
when everyone saw them as something missing

and the thought of you leaving is a riptide dragging me further out to sea
it is the end of my beginnings
creating an aftermath so tragic i cannot fathom the wreckage

so before you go remember that you are the reason for my breathing
and know that you touched someone more than you'll ever know.

Maybe I'm just a weak person

I couldn't get you out from underneath my skin

and I'm sorry I tried so hard

But, you were worth every second of it

I have become a maelstrom
ripping down sheltered memories
shifting plates
and drowning secrets in my wake
so, I will start to keep company with myself
go back
spell check the dyslexic scribbles of full feelings
to make the story new
the prologue has to change
contradict my appetite
I am no longer hungry
for you
though I am hungry for
new
I have a way of ******* things up in total
but what if I **** up in pieces
put them together and the story will be whole
I will rebuild the house
rearrange the plates
the ground will stop shaking
and I will leave you in my wake

Here I am
Exactly where I belong
It took many changes, trials and tribulations to get here, but look
everyone
I made it

I made it

maybe not to my peak
because no doubt I am still climbing
and I will keep on until I reach that peak
At the top of the mountain
I imagine the air is clear
deep breaths come naturally
and the sun is rising.

If there is a god he will have to beg my forgiveness

- carved into a cell by a Jewish prisoner

You encompass me
you are up
you are down
you are the streetlight on the empty street
you are that stranger
you are that doorknob
you are that tree
you are that outlet
you are everywhere
you feed me

I have been waiting to tell you this for years
but every time my lips began to part all that was left on my tongue were the ghosts of words that were once there
my throat starts closing and it feels like i have just swallowed a million shards of glass
so i don't say it
i want to say it
but the glass is multiplying and i can't
i can't tell you
i already know it won't work out
we've tried after all and we were always on different planets
thousands of light years away
it is 7 p.m. and i am thinking about you as much as i do when i can't sleep at 4 a.m and
now that we are on the same planet
i've found the words that were lost for so long
and they sound **** close to I Love You

“Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something. I’m always trying to get back to some kind of imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing.”
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

sshhhhh
slow down
everything is moving at a mind numbing pace
I can't tell where I am anymore

this body feels like a vice
growing tighter and tighter
the madness is coming back
my brain is swelling and my skull has no give

all I can feel is my body shaking willow branch in the wind
I can't type fast enough to get the smatter of chaos out of my head
this isn't a poem
this is a frantic plea of distraction

I just need the pill
it's sliding down my throat
ten minutes is a life time when you are counting the milliseconds

here it comes
relief
the swelling is reducing
the wind is dying down
everything is coming into focus

I am 21 and i watch as
his hair curls slightly as he combs his fingers through it
he buttons the last button on his shirt and all i can think of is teeth
and how one by one i could so easily undo them and reveal a canvas of  tanned smooth skin

I should have kissed him there

I am 19 and sleep has become an option since the night he told me i was the only one he wanted
i replied with the timing isn't right but told him i loved him anyway

I should have kissed him there

I am 18 and timing is a *****

I should have kissed him there

I am 16 and I thought that there was only one person i could love and it wasn't him
it was his best friend

I should have kissed him there

I am 15 and he is the only one who gets me
he is my best friend

but now he isn't mine to have

I am 21 and
i should have kissed him there

I will not go
I am in this
I am the warrior of the wars in your head
I am the colonel of the battle being fought
I am stoic in the bitterest of crisis
you will have to rip me from the soil i stand on
drag me away until nothing is left

my memory can no longer make out the seahorse shaped birth mark swimming across your thigh
the one you said was a good luck charm to rub every time you got nervous

i have packed all of our adventures into a box in the attic and broken the ladder so no one can climb up and memories cannot slide down

your hips sang songs bringing me to my knees calling
come back to me but

your mouth has become a cavern that I once wanted to crawl my way into
and now I'm standing in the sunlight peering into the vastness

and the dark is no longer calling to me

He wears his hiking boots to bed
and feels at home in the pines
he feels his heart hurting as he looks across the glacial lake thinking that this is the only place to be

he dips his feet into the river
and casts his line with the grace of a dancer
he calls to the fish to offer themselves
handing me the rod when one takes the bait

he starts a fire and breathes in the smoke
sets up his tent and bows to the wind that whistles his favorite song

he pulls me towards him
and we ponder the stars
where we came from and where we are going

this is it
this is him
this is us
and this is our forever

the obvious: how to love someone

how to keep your hands from shaking when the boy you like asks you to dance at your first school dance

how to hold shut the dam of tears that are threatening when you see your crush kiss your best friend

how to hold your head up when your world is crashing waves straight to your heart

how to wait patiently when all you can think about is that text you are hoping to get at 2 a.m.

how to react when he touches you for the first time, and goosebumps scatter across your skin or how it feels when he kisses

how to recognize the ones that will call from the ones that won't

how to walk away from someone you once loved more than yourself

how to grow up when the world seems like it's against you at every turn

my mind has gone up in flames
all that's left of my soul is embers
"let it burn baby"
you say this like it's possible to escape the fire eventually

if they say blue fire burns the hottest
then i am as blue as the glacial pool we drank from a thousand miles away from here

i feel the fire encroaching
burning holes first in my stomach
up my throat like i am tinder
and then all i can breathe is smoke

it's in my nostrils
pouring out of my lungs
scorching my eyes
and then
then
i fall to ash

I watched as loose skin, hung over bones so fragile they threatened to break, joints cursing at every bend, willing to stop working at any given moment. White porcelain filled with lukewarm bath water kisses her naked body ever so slowly as she allows me to help her lower her brittle body onto the harsh bottom of the tub. She looked up at me and smiled a half hearted smile filled with thousands of apologies that she could not find the words to utter. In that second my heart broke. Her eyes are glazed over with shame that she is incapacitated in this way.
I did not know skin could loosen in all of the places that it has, it’s as if it sags to cover every memory, good and bad, and make room for more. As we occupy the same bed she turns her back and forgets my presents, but as she rolls over and sees me she tucks me in as if to say, we will do this together.

You asked me to write a love poem to you
But I don't know what to say to a whole heart
Being broken is more familiar

My heart was Pandora's Box
that someone else had pried open letting out the seven deadly sins
and you were the one to come and lock hope back in

And now I claw for you in the night until you pull me close
whispering to me words that the lonely long for
telling me that the demons of the day are locked away

You have become the master of my mood swings
breaking the chain before I get too high
coaxing me out of the hungry darkness on my bad days

But now it is time for you to lay your heavy head on my lap
allow the Sandman to take you to places unimagined
let me hold your hope

April Showers

Kurt Cobain died in April
His heart hurt too much to watch his baby girl witnessing him suffer
He left a not telling her that he did this for her
and as for Courtney, she held on to him as tight as he would let her,
knowing depression and addiction are the evil in the world
I can relate to craving the taste of metal in my mouth,
of ******* someone so hard that they nearly break from all of the hurt I pull out of them and make my own.
What he did was not selfish, was not a rash decision,
what he did was self preservation, he traded his body for another one
by crushing the control center of this one.
It was his last resort and leaving behind his baby was the only choice for her to find happiness.
I understand Kurt
The last time I felt the willingness to be alive was the last day that we were together.
That last ride I took free falling backwards into your truck as you navigated the roads that we so often used to call home.
I have shriveled in this world into such a small being
I have forgotten what it is like to feel like living is a good thing
But I will stick around here for you.

you stumbled into my life with a mouth full of forevers
and now here i am writing about you because forever ended too soon
it ended with an i love you but you want too much
it ended in tears and fists full of I'm sorries

this would be the moment i would savor
running my fingers along your jawline
tracing the stubble up to the nape of your neck
up through your hair

this would be the moment i would savor
the second our lips grazed each other
your tongue slipping into my mouth
teeth nipping at my lips

this would be the moment i would savor
our bodies rocking in unison
the music pulsing in my ears and through my body
the way my heart was beating in my throat

this would be the moment i would savor

this would be it

Do not tell me that was the end

the contempt has finally left my body

and I am ready for the beginning

it's a production
a pirouette into ptsd
a bone biting oblivion
a comatose cry
a shattered glass masterpiece

it's a production
this living with monsters calling your name

it's a production
a sold out performance
of silent dancers longingly gliding across your brain

When someone loves you
Hold onto it
Hold onto it so tight you are a white knuckle warrior
And do not let go

i wasn't always this way
i want you to know that
take it in
imagine me happy
imagine me full of life
I'm sorry that you didn't see that
I'm sorry that all you had was the destruction that i was