64 minutes past 3....
Time misses me completely
When I write poems of thee

Do you even miss me
It's Like a conspiracy
Cuz I find it hard to believe

Like
My prayers are all God reads
Like
Earth revolves around me?

...................................................Save me

Misconstrued are my Mental health needs
Not Intensionally Mean
Nor even Malicious deeds.

Never really put together and left unscrewed;
With broken seems and bubbly brew

I can't help but to be unsteady.
Must I always stay guarded, prepared and ready?
It's like a battle with man after man...
Enemies I'm beheading.

Sounds of piercing pain, ****!
Their flesh shreds threw sharpened fans.
As I walk away unapologetically,
I find pity for ones that ran.
A heartless beauty, naturally!
Her only motto is 'You Can!'

I was living the only way I knew how.
Reliving my past; only heartaches allowed.
That was until last October, I met my match...
I finally fell victim for getting attached!

...Her war is finally over!
He conquered her within the abyss
Blood drunk to gratefully sober.
Now nobody has seen him ever since.

Dear family and friends
I'm letting you know why I choose him So continue supporting me by the time this poem ends

He is the male image of me
His flaws I can't see
The one man who treated me like his queen
Opened doors for me when I felt low regardless of who seen

Just so you know He is my King!

A magnificent result of pain and sweat
A realist since the day we met
No ones opinion should matter unless I let
For giving me his son I am in debt

Forgiving unfaithfulness I portrayed
Looking past my substance abuse ways
Knowingly loves me despite my ugliest days

Like the sun a male image with powerful rays

Against all odds he is still alive
Like a swimming pool, in him I dive
The fight within us makes us survive
The fire I needed ONLY he can revive

When I stand firm and fight for someone and something
The father to my son so don't complain

Don't ask me why and don't criticize
He has become my life even with strife
It don't have to be on paper to know I am his wife

We want peace and love together
Through all storms and all weather
Burdens light as a feather
Authentic just like leather

Sincerely, the old me; saying good bye
Dear friends and family the New Jinn is clearly ALIVE!

I've been up, wondering about you
Like how you liked your foods
When you was here, your moods
And just the things you'd do
I've been up, thinking about this
Them bony hands and **** fists,
Strong arms and solid wrists,
Soft eyes and the poetic mist
I've been up, dreaming about us
No longer lovers but a friendship's a must
Continued progress yet the ****** dust
At first sight we were no doubt an exotic lust

It's a dreary day here today
With malicious actions; what more can I say
finished my hit list; no one else to betray
So let the Solitude come my way
These walls have become my cell, just pass me my tray
I'm doing some thinking; night into day
i hope your sorrows are shrinking away
Now, have a blessed day....

He said to stop texting
I started accepting
I hope he wasn't just flexing
Conteplating skills of fetching

Control
     My Mouth
>          My Voice
     Chevron
Piece

Steady
   My Pace
>         My Walk
     Confidence
  Talks

T
  O
     O
          M
       U
    C
H

Too many things about life
Make me feel mournful
I often times ask why
As if the stars had any answers

When I miss you,
Its to the point of tears
I imagine you,
Just around the corner
I visualize you,
You're coming my way
But it still hurts
...After I self-regulate.

Distorted, vain, fearful and nervous
I'm crumbling inside my warped mind My darkness is void and heartless
But when I'm with you, those were just lies
I long to give you justice...
It's been said 'What's easy isn't always right!'
Blindly, you persecute our happiness
But loving you is worth the attack and fight.
I want you to always redefine my bliss
Waking up to you throughout each sunrise
Medicine to heal us is in our lips
Together with you through the lows or highs
I feel protected in gently holding your fist
Our child Happy because of you and I.
I think your finally getting the gist
We'd say 'Not too bad' For this lifetime
I'm awake with nightmares on my wrists
Eternal love sure does fly by
My happy place consistently insists
The love we shared, It will never die
...Our Beautiful rise and fall with a death kiss
yet, again and again, side by side

Money is not love
And...
Love is not money
But...
Time will still hum
While...
Nature remains cunning

is it really so crazy
me wanting you & your baby?
i mean, is this reality?
the magnificence lost is sad to me...
i know not to blame now
i get no where that way but somehow
i take responsibility
for how my actions shook you into leaving what did i expect, yo...
our feelings is all we individually know
i mean, ican see how you MIGHT feel
from this end i pray one day you might heal
And i pray you reconsider too
that love overlaps me; a ***** into your boo
with you, i'll never let go of how i feel
because that brings me to a special place which gives my soul its seal
I'm keeping it
And a cold shoulder to anyone who threatens it
i am good alone i suppose
but with you it is when I feel i am whole
Peace
Love

My daughter is on day four of being a runaway, I am having some other serious issues in my life too...
I'm constantly seeking the next right choice as the temptations of this earth try drawing me IN.
But....Near is not enough for the evil of this earth it wants you completely!
My child like spirit that keeps me near to God is in balance with my reluctant adulthood consciousness.
Keeping this balance determines how well I can fight.
Not to mention if I thrive.
God will take care of me if I believe.
Lately this balance has given my spirit a winning fight.
But against all odds I'm face to face with the devil, if there ever was one, day and night.

MyThoughtsOfYou

I miss you
I want you
I cant let you go
God made no mistake
Note: Its now 6am, been up since 4...
Im so tired but these thoughts of you keep me up at night. I really hate feeling like this.
I loved you! So much!
I still do.
I know I dont know you but if it was partly lust to begin with why does 'knowing' you matter anyway...
We vibed. Your energy is how I remember you...
Im not saying thats the way to find someone in this cruel world but it is no doubt one way... desperate times call for desperate measures.
You were too good to me and I couldn't just pass you up!
I did the best I could for the darkness I had escaped! You were my heaven! my light.
I did become frightened.
I just didnt believe It was real!
Can you really blame me? You treated me so well!
I was so afraid to loose that especially unexpectedly so I choose to loose it when I was ready instead...
it makes me cry to think... I did that!!!!! WHY? why?
Sorry if you dont like my thoughts or me reliving the pain... Im just so hurt. thanks for reading... please forgive me... you are a beautiful!!! You deserve Justice ... you really do! I miss u
im sorry too

Last October I was home with you
Lately Im doing my best building a home without you
At home I keep an empty chair for you
In our closet there's hangers left vaccant for you  
Memories is how I will keep you
Even in old age I wanna seek you
With your past I will always love you
No slack can take back loyalty I learn from you
This is how Im home with you
Even in your absence I wont let go of you

Truu

I'm gonna just make a meal
The kids are hungry
A distraction from how I feel
A break from worry...

I guess it's true The only thing good
that came from us
Was a child who should
not have to be fatherless
He was even named after you
Irregardless of opinions from a few
In hopes you would love him more
Enough for your frontside to walk through his door
But hey...Its hard to have a baby with a *****...

I remember everything

The shock I felt when you kept me safe from cars... ?? What is he doing...

Before that I wanted and sometimes toyed with the idea of walking into traffic...

but you made me believe you cared and I believed in you

I still don't believe in me

I was forced to care!
But I am stubborn.
   I'm not like the others
      I am consistent
        
                                         I remember everything.....

Every action has a reaction
Things don't just spontaneously happen
I was fine before i walked in
And seen you standing there next to the garbage bin....
I should have known right then
The lethalness in ever becoming your future kin
Why? You? I allowed myself to foolishly believe in
instead I should of just focused on my paper and pen
Look at the floor and there's my chin
Its always a matter of time before we sin
I rock back and forth, again and again

To fight for love, I skim through thoughts
How did things go so wrong?
I remember timid methods to problem-solve.
Learning this took too long
When I was easy, I remember lies I bought.
I'd be anything just to belong
Mrs.Guided by things mama forgot.
Guided by lyrics in a song
Mrs.Understood for the TRUTH I sought.
I remember smoking truth from a ****

His love is like lightning
My life he's reviving
Darkness lightening
Jesus Arriving

Gazes at me in a deep and long wonder
His cries are loud like a high pitch thunder
He's from a goldmine I randomly plundered
I search his face in an everlasting hunger
-JJ Love

....is black
Off tracks
Dead
My love is Red
Heart shreds
Pain
My love seems in vain
Teary rain
Eternal
My love is passion's inferno
Past lovers funerals
Pressure
My love is a deep treasure
Delightful pleasure
My love is symbolic
It needs solid hydraulics
...And a helmet

Dear God
Please help me to have fear
I don't know if it's me and what I've been through
Or if it's me being stubborn and naive
Or if it is because I am fatherless like psalm 145 mentions....
but please help me to have fear
I struggle but I'm alive
I'm alone but I'm loved
I'm a sinner but I pray
So Please help me to have fear

Not Applicable
Not Found

Not Heard
No Sound

Not Found
Not Alone

Not Lost
Not Grown

Always known my nature
But I long for balance
An intellectual creature
Something beyond talent

...sweet ...n ....sour?
...My Power
It's how Im built
My galaxy is on a steady tilt
And my intentions have a meaning

Yet, there's Galaxies beyond mine
And A Source of ALL
The highest point you can find
Alone?
Not at all.

Interconnectivity
Like, how bones connect joints!

Missing someone who was never real
Someone who never existed
Pain I feel
And feel redundantly
Mind unfocused
Soundly

I'm use to people not following directions or being considerate
They take full advantage of free will
People ignore the very source which gives them life
They pretend to have immortality
I have grown tired in trying to make a difference in large quantities anymore
But I have never even tried to focus on just me, my family and maybe my community if I stay diligent
...until recently.
It's still very challenging to lead a fulfilled life
And by this time I'm mostly alone
Not many could really understand the weight of the world I held.

Somebody wrote for me
A brilliant work of art;
His poetry

The words came from his heart; blue abyss
Validation of greatness
Authentically cautious
Because he actually meant it
Then, now and When; was Sighted and Referenced

Epitome of a promise
His mind a weapon;
Logic
Look how I done him
His love is diamonds;
Ultimate

Articulates yet also shown
I will remain loyal to him and him alone.
Otherwise,
I'll stay a lifetime behind
my way
As he's forced to see me decay

The pieces stand still
Love seeks me
Unlift this veil
Let me see clearly
For His will
Love me dearly
A hardened seal
Please set me free
From evil; heal
Special Delivery

I can still feel you in our sons soft touch
That's the side of you I miss so much
I still see parts of you during his bath time
Lol, It is what it is even if it don't sound right
I can still hear your voice on SoundCloud if I want to
But when he coo's or cries it's better than the truth
I can still smell your fade too some days
Brushing his hair while he patiently lays

•You cared for me, when it was hard to care about yourself,
•Charmed by your magnificence, all I wanted was to help.
•We both had appreciation for arts of many kinds.
•Ahhh, your style and talent.. I just miss your vibes.
•But now I am starting to see things for what they really are.
•Bottom line is I hurt you and I took it way too far!
•Inside my head, you read my mind sometimes; I didn't understand it.
• Poetic Justice and Romance Rhymes; you flew the plane and I riskingly landed it!
•You see, I do this to people who are the closest to me.
•You were closer to me than even I've ever been, honestly!
•So, my issue is rooted in my deepest crevice; a most inward core belief:
•My love of self is completely ravished; making me feel indefinitely unworthy.
•It shook me up when you spoke out loud.
•I mean the very words out your mouth...
•You taught me not to give up but fight!
•You brought my spirit into light.
•We gave each other hope in those moments.
•Together we were no longer lonesome.
•Thank you for that Jason.
•Life is coming together now..my issues..Im facing.
•I know how I did you was wrong.
•I lived out of fear for so long.
•If I can take anything from this whole story.
•It would be to live in faith and not to worry.

Only until I met him did I see through the eyes of another how true self value really looked like when applied in reality.
I started to to understand how loving yourself or another actually looked like.
The feeling of LOVE was overwhelming and ecstasy compared to before love became so clear.
I had a misunderstood notion that being beautiful on the outside would bring me love.
I thought that I was loving myself outwardly appearing flawless.
Later I learned that I had only found a half truth.
So I began searching for the whole truth but first I had to tear all the pieces of my life apart to sort through and find each one of its meanings.

My whole life was in pieces when God himself appeared as a man who spoke truth and displayed love yet disguised with flaws for 1000 lifetimes.....
You see, before I was using my ego to love myself and gauge how much love to dispense on others based on ego as well.
The reason using ego is not effective and scary is because it is worldly and very temporary always needing maintenance and attention.
It is also fear based.
So you then love out of fear essentially. It is a common mistake because ego masks itself as  being strong and unbreakable but when you wipe off the pounds of make-up or take off the Karats of gold you are weak! Temporary.

Everyday people say
things like this:
You know Marie, Every child is a blessing---
but It's such
a cliche thing to say.

There were 3 pregnancies...
Mine included
Only 1 prevailed

I sipped my liquor;
She ate her dinner.

Although diluted...
...so I disputed.

This is what 'they' really wanted.
Meanwhile, I already birthed 3 kids.

A happily Married couple vs.
A woman who was simply supple!

I still Wonder why
This pregnancy survived.................

Hey! Don't feel pressured...
Don't you buckle
Don't you know? You are my treasure!
A Diamond beyond measure!

I try to believe in this world but deep down I know it's a dark LIE
My flesh needs justice so my spirit begins to
effectively DIE
My intentions shockingly transform into darkness and I'm drawn IN
Evil trickery has become the fad nowadays and light has also become DIM

Yet the fact still and always will remain
the power of love is far too great

And in my dreams is the only time I see you..
But unreal.. and far from the truth.
How can I, then,
speak so casually and cold to you?
...Just imitate what you do?
When I'm infatuated with your hand and pen?
How am I your hell and you are my heaven?
Twisted Dreams and vivid smells
Very rarely unite and then unveil

Emotion so heavy
...Gears on lock
Feelings; I'm feeling Wavy
Emotional shock

Notions of you
Blinds my view
You were an idea
Like a pair of shoes
A really really good pair
Conclusions unfair
Worse than "Truth or Dare"
More like a dart game
Missing you with shaky aim
Intentions always hidden;
The emptiest portrait frame