insecurity is eating me
the world is showing me
that you have to be having it all
or you have nothing.
i should be happy
with my natural blessings.
my hair
my face
my me
because it all belongs to God
and i was made special in his image
and if he supplies all of my needs
then my natural self is okay
that is all i should need.
those people that i envy
those people aren't happy
those people are irresponsible
those people are temporary
because they waste their life
and feed on
on temporary things
and you are what you eat.
those people don't care
those people are full
of the gigantic meal called
themselves
their ego.
i see
but the would feeds me
a different meal
which i am the cook
they feed me my own
unsatisfactory.
wow
this is how i eat and be eaten.

in a van
with an ex-friend.
ex-win
lose again.
sitting in the front
you in the back.
we’re so far
but tension dense.
i sing the same sad songs
a symphony of sorrows.
mis-created mini meals of sensitivity
things won’t ever be the same again.
i lose again
ex win.
with an ex-friend
in a van.

life *****
but so do those with
sweet teeth
in the presence of
candy on a stick.

she spoke
but nobody believed her
nobody will believe her
so she doesn't speak

change
i wanted to change but
i found my soul rearranged instead
pretty soon
i started making bad decisions
repeatedly
i was in over my head
sinning until i accomplished my mission
happiness was the only thing that i was missing
only thing i'm
wishing
for

i don't get it
i don't understand
the chemistry
the frequency
is falling out of my hands
what is it about me?
what is my problem?
why aren't i like them?
them like me?
things like that
could never be

at this point i'm tired
of
living
with the negativity that won't stop
until my life falls
every second, every minute
i walk through the halls and what's supposed
to be the walls
are demons closing me in
suffocating me to
do better
it's rare
they would never want me to succeed
unless they feel that they would conquer me
how good it would feed
them but not i
that's why i try to change
to change i try

just because i'm speechless
doesn't mean i don't know how i feel
it's just that i can't put it in words
for you to understand
my broken english
i don't know, i just
i mean its
sometimes i wish
i never meant for it
to happen
y'know?
of course you don't
you never do

hold of me
apple tree
i think i am controlling
but it's holding me
can't frolic
can't be
the apples that grow on this tree
are no good for me

there comes a time when you go
too far
all you can do is wait
for whoever or
whatever
to catch up
so that everything can be
alright again

i made this in seconds
i felt these before
i type and write and type and write
iv'e felt this way before
when all i can do is creative away
the pain right away
raw
coming from the side walls of my heart
raw
something meaningful and powerful
to me
to we
to us
later on in life

i feel a role model coming up
the photo of an object
in my head
it won't die
it's not dead

you lose when you let them take your joy
from you
and when you don't ****** it back
it's all on you
the one who is in control
of your life
nobody can take anything that belongs to you
don't let them
****** it back
or else you'll lose

i liked him
at first
he was sweet
at first
made me laugh
at first
i didn’t feel uncomfortable around him
at first
because
he didn’t want anything from me
at first
he was a gentleman
at first
seemed to be able to control himself
at first
had a bright smile
that made me produce the same
at first
i thought that what i saw was what i got
and everything is what it seems
at first

go and be gone
and so long
and goodbye

but what's the purpose of this thing
of these collections of free-styled
words
why are they together and
what do they mean as a whole?
i used to think that a poetry book had to make sense
used to think that
it was wrong to bounce from one feeling to another
but then i thought
that's all a human being ever does (do)

a monster
i'm a monster.
i hurt.
no fair cause i hurt.
all hurt.

i'm definitely going through a season of loneliness.
all because i don't know how to
properly
give my attention
to what matters.

i feel a thing.
someone is a thing.
i get wrapped up.
forget i have a life.

a god.


it's dangerous.
that's how i love so hard.
all this energy i wanna give to someone.
someone except Jesus.


what's really the problem here

who am i?
and why am i so afraid of being alone?
when in all actuality
i'm not.

it's too much
all is too much
no luck

it's hard for me to trust
i need someone
someone with my same energy
or better

God, why are you doing this to me?