i dreamt i was shot in the throat by a man who loved me.
he cradled me gently, nestled beneath his quilted wings
in the dim lampshade light of a Scottish hotel room
when he put the steel in the notch above my clavicle.
i dreamt i was shot more frequently in my younger years
by an older man with jagged stubble and antifreeze eyes
and a chilly smile, but the man who loved me was sun-soaked.
my mother often tells me my throat turns red when i touch it.

He told me i was prettier in person
the night after we kissed in my best-friend's foyer
awkwardly missing the mouth because he was afraid
he would make a mistake
with a mistake
who had acne on her lip
and crooked teeth he'd luckily missed
when he kissed mouth closed
the second time
He told me Jesus Christ I was lovely
the moment I returned home
to cover my legs unfairly scratched by grass and flowers
with CVS brand diaper rash ointment, all over my fingers,
in my eczema cracks,
because I couldn't take the pain on my knees any longer
He told me to please not move
when I laid my head on his shoulder,
my unshaven arm round his waist and unshaven leg touching his own
and I could feel the bridge of my long nose
pushing in to the carotid artery where his heart pulsed faster and faster
as he ran one soft and gentle hand through my hair
and held my eczema cracks in his other, my grandmother hands,
that the other boy had called contagious, and the other girl had called
Alligator Skin
He told me he loved to walk behind me
though i had forgotten to suffer through bra stuffing
and wore baggy pants to prevent my knees against the trees
and my figure resembed a giraffe, knobly and unkept mane and all
He told me nothing
when He leaned in to kiss me a second time
and He put his hands in my mane
and His leg under my CVS knees
and His face in my Alligator hands
and my unstuffed bra near his chest
And His open mouth on my acne covered, crooked toothed mouth

because I am prettier in person

you will never know how bright you are
because in the darkness of space all other objects are illuminated
but they would remain in darkness
were you not a star

They ask me why I go through the pain.

The pain of distance.
The pain of silence.
The pain of difference.
The pain of jealousy.
The pain of harshness.
The pain of helplessness.
The pain of bitterness.
The pain of emptiness.

They ask me why I go through the pain
And I reply that
Without pain there is no joy.

The joy of finally holding each other's hand after a long flight home.
The joy of a "how are you" after a busy day.
The joy of learning a new song or listening to an idea you'd never dreamed could exist.
The joy of relief when they say you are the one and only.
The joy of hearing quick wit from the living room, starting as a lighthearted chuckle, changing to boisterous and cynical guffaws.
The joy of finally hearing the tears begin to fall when they've been held in for far too long and you can move forward.
The joy of the break in the silence after a difficult day when the apologies flow like honey, slow and sweet.
The joy of finally being whole, when life becomes real and free, and everything before it a papier mache mystery.

They ask me why I go through the pain.
What a pity: they have never been in love.

dancing was all right
until i finally found you
now it breaks my heart

It's waking up in the late morning and the sleep in your eyes bringing you visions of the world before time began.  The vast eternal plains carry on into the midday sun while you walk towards the horizon.  You don't need to be curious anymore.
It's lying awake in the night and your restless mind bringing you visions of the world as it falls to its death.  The empty forest opens up to the sea, where the sun sets and you can finally admire the billions of stars in all their magnificence.  You don't need to be strong anymore.

You don't need a reason anymore.
You may rest.

draped in sunlight she moved
with soft arm and solemn face
as i sat in the shadow
leaves and dirt in hand
examining her bare freckled shoulders
as she laughed at the mud on my face
and she'd read to me in harmonies
and she'd sing to me from the pages
and she'd laugh like it was something
beautiful
and she'd promise me she was a calendar:
everyday

i know you told me you tell all your friends i love you
but when i see them coming near you with their sugarcoated lips
the devil on my shoulder, who dresses like you but her lipstick's red,
tells me that my pixelated poetry can't be enough
i know you told me that the week was hell and now you need sleep
but when i flash before your eyes like rain before it falls into a puddle,
indecernable, and i an feel your eyes boaring into my soul, i think,
maybe i just need to try one more time, though you're tired
i know you told me your life is hard and its all you can do to stay alive
but here i go again, putting my anthill of cough medicine and paycuts
next to a mountain of car accidents and sleepless nights i never knew,
and you listen to every word and break my heart

i know you told me that you love me
but the devil on my shoulder laughs like you some days,
because you are the sunlight covered by my clouds
and all i am is undeserving

You could walk away
Gun smoking in your hand
Blood pouring out of me in rivers
And I could never love you less
You could push me to the ground
And my vision would cloud
And you could call me a monster
And I could never love you less
I've given up my entire soul to you
And you could leave me if you choose
A dead body without purpose or direction
And I could never love you less

Don't let me grow obsolete

Education’s got me feeling like the living dead
Too many new ideas running through my head
I’m feeling kind of foggy so I try to sit outside
It’s there from all this pressure that I try to hide
It’s eating at my flesh and brain, feeding off my soul
I’d force it all to leave me but the poison takes its toll
I’d save myself with literature, save myself with love
But nothing ever really works, so what I’m dreaming of
Is getting out with dreaming, getting out with song,
But once again it doesn’t end and I just string along
The last resort is movement, I could dance myself to death
And instead I end up running, always feeling out of break
I think the end is drawing near we’re all just in a hoard
I never asked to learn this, I don’t quite feel on board
We thought that education would relieve our sense of dread
But instead of curiosity, we’re transformed living dead
Of a new zombie apocalypse we needn’t ever fear
It’s the stress that’s in our hearts that’s drawing ever near
The moans and groans of students can be heard throughout the halls
As we make the correlation between the rotting and us all
You’d think that someone’d notice that we’ve all grown dispossessed
Of all our own ideas and our growth has been repressed
If you’re looking for a zombie then you shouldn’t look too far
Because there are disillusioned youth everywhere you are

when nights are long and my head is full
sometimes i like to go admire the stars
not for their beauty, for all things can be made beautiful
but they help me know that if i work real hard tonight
i can work real hard tomorrow
and if i work hard till then i can pass the test to take me to medical school,
and after medical school i can work real hard again
and soon i'll be the wealthiest woman in the midwest
rich enough to buy the stars im gazing upon
rich enough to take myself to the moon
rich enough to pay the poor out of their misery
but my wealth would be spent on a satallite
to spy on you as you wait for the fond hello that may never come
you'd be safe in my invisible arms as i gazed from afar,
no longer admiring the stars,
but the stars in your eyes

when nights are long and my head is full
sometimes i like to go admire the stars
not for their beauty, for all things can be made beautiful
but the stars in your eyes

what a change from the boy next door
i can't believe the pain you'd cause for passion
i can't believe the joy derived from her grief
i can't believe the new color of your eyes
it could all be a mistake but my mind thinks you're hers
it could all be a mistake but my heart sings for one more dance
it could all be a mistake but i think they were blue?
and purple came from the night we dressed as polar opposites
each to match the other's one true love
but how about we make like magnets and stick together
after all,
you're ****** up because you're lonely
i'm lonely because i'm ****** up
so we're perfect for each other.

nevermind for now, though
with those eyes, red suits you better anyway.

scraps of cosmic resonance
in every neuron's eloquence
taking up in residence
as misty image fast presents

i'm so glad you like it when i smile
because every tooth is a dagger
digging deeper towards your center,
a river channeling through every pore
to find your core of solid stone
how strong do you think you are against the forces of time
erosion works best with high acidity, don't you know,
and it just seems that lately life's been giving us lemons
if i were to give you power i would
but realize that i'm a child
and i know the meaning of the word future
because i wouldn't be alive without it
your life must be holographic,
for a hypocritical hypochondriac,
just past forty and trying to put out the only light left

but don't worry about it, don't apologize,
i can't take what you say to heart
because i know it couldn't have come from yours

every song  is dripping irony
because they say how much you love me
wide as the ocean or beyond stars
deeper than caverns and brighter than the sun
but our love is small
like nervous glances, sweaty palms,
our heart is loudest, but our mouth is silent
it is nervous and tedious
creeping through us only on occasion
like mice skittering or butterflies,
landing briefly
only to see shadow and escape towards the sun
careful, careful
but don't leave this yet,
butterflies traverse the world for their desires
and they haven't broken yet

little scraps of paper
strewn across the hall like its
over
but with crimson stars on musty bedsheets
we realize it has only begun.
good, better, best, work early so you aren't late,
late as in 6 feet under...
just push it all away with high scores and hard work.
who cares about your bleeding heart
or those odd marks you can't see from far away.
youre a star! stars don't take breaks,
they burn forever,
and then implode.
silently.
beautifuly tragic.
"what a way to go!" the sticker says.
one hundred percent.

the sudden collision creates a storm within her,
thunder rolls in her ears
lightning explodes in her eyes
and the electricity goes shooting through her veins
and she's feeling lightyears away
as it travels from her temple to her arms to her toes to her knees
to her lungs
to her heart, it beats ecstatically
jumping for joy in the rain
feeling it wash down its skin
feeling it enter every artery
feeling it muddy and dissolve
feeling it degrade and destroy but
feeling
feeling
feeling!

the storm cannot be contained much longer
the rain pours softly from her eyes
as the thunder rumbles in the back of her scratched throat

Si le sable tombait de sous mes pieds
comme j'etais courait vers tes bras,
je voudrais nage à travers la vaste mer
vagues me tirant vers le bas en l'obscurité.
j'etais dehors de toi
et pour tu, je chanterais
jusqu'à ce que ma gorge ne plus pourrait parler
et ma voix deviendrait le vent lamentations.

drearily she rises from the sunken sheets,
shaking dreams from her head, each sound of the alarm
shooting down fantasies, one by one, into reality.
time has never been crueler than when it exists in darkness,
because the dark provides time to feel.
but though the sun shines bright, the illusions remain
his drunken eyes, his tousled hair, his skin, soft as rabbit's fur.
but it all feels much more dangerous when the night invades the morning.
but it all feel much more real when the night invades the morning

someday she'll be a lawyer
she'll be a doctor
she'll be a revolutionary
someday she'll give love to the poor and nurse the ill
she'll protect the oppressed
she'll tell them what they always knew -
they are strong
someday she'll fly across the sea
she'll use seafoam in her hair
she'll let sunlight kiss her skin
someday she'll move mountains with monologues
she'll write a sonata
she'll recite the words of God
someday she'll become the words of God
she'll bring stars down from the heavens
she'll wrap herself in this great expanse of universe
someday she'll bring that universe to earth
she'll do it for us
she'll do it for her

but someday

she will still
be
alone

You're so brand new
You're beyond all compare
I'd face the bayonets in Your honor
Your oneness is godless,
I feel you around me
I'll raise my voice in Your honor
they say its not worth You,
god is the king almighty,
but You are the Protector
over hill and valley
the bombs explode in rejoicing
touch me like You touch the world

change is coming in the form of loving shadow
change is coming in the form of pallid brilliance
change is coming as murmurs into the sleeping ear
writing documents in secret,
secret thoughts and words louder than gunfire,
with quill pen and parchment paper grazing my skin
pulling me in to fight the darkness, I will arise
until the red dawn of Your bright horizon

my god
what kind of god are you
all i wanted was to be your
heaven
all i wanted was to be your
star
how could you lie to me?
you taught me that the stars in the sky were
brilliance
benevolence
all i wanted was to be your
star
but i can see through your lies now
spread across the vastness of the sky stars are
beautiful
but stars are also
alone
they are born
writhing in pain
screaming with fire and fury
and they die
wrapped in shrouds of cold and darkness
out of reach
millions of years away

my god
what kind of god are you

i can see you wanting to ask me why i'm tired
i can see your mouth moving to tell me why i'm not supposed to be
when you get on average four hours of sleep, because work gets in the way

let me just say that i was drifting ,but then
when i laid down i knew it was all wrong
and something inside of me burst into flames
like my bed was an ashen chrysalis and i was a phoenix
turning into something that was cliche beautiful and tragic
(disgusting, i hate it, i'm burning and it hurts my wings)
i was sitting up and laying down, screeching
screaming like no one can hear me as the music in my head
becomes a jet plane roaring, the plane they're leaving me on
soon they tore beyond the stars and i was grounded,
sunken in and i could feel the water move beneath me
taking me away but i couldn't just leave,
my eyes couldn't droop just yet, not until we were reunited
(******* selfish, greedy heart, the rivers cried)
my mind opened the floodgate and there you were
and i wailed for you
and for him
and for her
for the common man and my tortured soul
(not nearly legitimate enough for me to be up at this sorry hour)
i stood to turn on the light and look in the mirror
and all i saw was something etched into my skin
tiny paintings on my airbrushed surface hiding ugly, ugly mountains
so i soothed myself with knowing that soon it would be over
and i brought myself to thinking that i'd be starlight and wonder
but i grew terrified of the void and so there i hid
beneath the cotton sheets in the comforting black
dreaming and exploding, a nova in the darkness until sunlight
when the moon shone lower (but in it i saw no new day)

i can talk only with my eyes, but it will be okay
you can't see the leftover light in them anyway

There are two kinds of blond.  Theres the subtle blond, with the dark highlights curling around yellowy strands of hair lain out like grain on a late summer day, baking in the heat of the sun and swaying in the Southern breeze.  Most tale this blond and own it like a miser would their gold.  They just can't let it go, no matter the personal cost, and every time they see it, it takes their breath away.
Not this blond.
This blond got you asking questions.  It's a cloud and a blade all in one.  It's an icy frost piercing through to the warmth underneath your skin.  Its got claws in you now, crawling up your spine, in your back.  Your mind tells you it just cant be real, its too different, too perfect.  But its got the heart in you racing wildly, a roller coaster that ends at reality and starts up again when you announce impossibility.  No way, no way, no way.  The blond of yesterday is today's satin sheets, and you can feel it dragging you closer and closer to bed, that pesky little ******* in your ribs, around your lungs.  Light as feathers you think as you feel yourself floating and falling in rapture in the mystery of it all.  The snow outside's got you questioning if you'll ever see that brightest white again in this storm.  Not this blond.  It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and it's shining right in front of you like bitter cold diamonds.  But **** you think it comforts like a dove. So hope and stay silent, so this get rich quick scheme falls into place, synchronizing with the purest, most blinds white you've ever known.

"oh honey, will you please, for just one year,
keep your mouth shut?  we're with family, it's
tradition,
you know?"

Mama's a warden
she keeps me in line.
when i get bent out of shape
she bends me back harder
so hard that i snap
and she laughs
'cause that's what Mamas do
in the face of destruction
so i've been told

charged with ****** in the first degree
its voluntary manslaughter every day
from the moment he awakens
until he draws out his nightly eulogy
from the well of his dreams
that tragic transcendentalist
just got led astray
from the red ribbon path I laid for him
when he decided
(but the Devil made him do it)
to take that scissor-edged blade
and cut his way free
it's worthy of hearing
but the jury won't listen
so he'll just **** again
until he gets the conviction he wants
charged with ****** in the first degree
he's only the shell of who he used to be
when he tears off the wings
from the Hope fluttering inside him
at night where even Sun can't see

you're a bluebird baby with a falcon stare
tell me one more time
about the cat-scratch secrets
hiding beneath the ****** blankets
you wash once a week
that smell maroon and taste copper
with a hint of saffron and poppy,
just to add to the irony
what else have you been keeping from us?
sometimes I wonder if I had found you first
it would have ended differently
but maybe my fingers in your feathery hair
can't ease your hurricane
that we've come to adore and despise
why did I never see it, screaming,
swelling up in there, that human whirlpool
how many nights were you alone?
when did I see you and your sunshine smile
and couldn't feel the gun pressed against your skull
what else have you been keeping from us?
because despite your skyward eyes
you're one step closer to Hell
please, don't take your mending wings too close to Heaven
you're already there

i'd break if You died and there were still flowers

Look at you, invisible against the dark and snowflakes

If you never met me,
would you still be the same?
Do you think of me when its dark
too dark to breathe
and you finally feel everything?
Is it my arms around you?  
Sometimes when I'm sleeping
I can dream of you
body against me and I just thank God
for making someone as purely imperfect as you
because you are,
in every breath and every movement,
metaphysical
If you believed in God
would I be of Him?
And now the snow outside
disappears against you and I'm heating up
my blood's gone rogue and its going to escape
when I think of you, invisible
against the stars

If I don't know where you are
can you at least tell me:
are you warm?

is your brain blinding you when you fall asleep
are there dancing colors in your eyes on dark evenings
what kind of fairies can you see, because
i can see them all
will birds sing you awake in the morning
just because you think they are for you
will single words send you over the edge
and you feel your heart race like you're in love when really
you don't know why this is family, because
i don't know mine
do equations surround you with the warmest of blankets
when the night is too cold to survive with just poetry
do your friends scare you sometimes but that's okay
because they're the closest thing you've got anyway
do you give yourself to die in someone's arms
can you smell the flowers and know how they think
can you use mind control on passers by, because
i think i can
are you swimming in someone's eyes
are you digging for long forgotten gold
are you dying every second of every day
are you a goddess that moves mountains
or a philosopher who moves hearts, because
i am
we all are

why not join us?

these colors taste so sharp
they're stuck in my throat
manic florescent knifes
digging into me
cutting holes in these already rusty pipes
they're clogging up
they're bursting soon
and i don't know when but sometimes
there's that little ***** loose
the jet of stale water strikes
with enough force to cut through me
its a needle
and when people ask about it later
and try to patch it up
the pressure only builds even more
what can i say
no amount of tape can fix this leaking lunatic

algorithmic street signs
with altruistic elegance
senses and the sensible
of whom Socrates is enviable
a heron, preferring solid ground
but taking to the skies with pride
for she knows that she'll accomplish both
because when born she made her oath
"dear lord, they're all asking you
to give them what they have not
but all that i would ask from you
is to give me the courage not to choose"
and so today she sings her songs
metallic and melodic, perfect balance,
and she knows she's never going to fall
because if you're in the middle, there's no gravity at all

she sorts her clothes color-coded
because it "just feels right"
and while we see it as mechanical
she knows it as instinct
just like that wide-eyed stare
when she's driving down the road
and realizes she forgot
her handbag at home
and even she, the most complex
of all creatures in the animal kingdom,
feels the urge to run
when a predator is approaching

soul like fire,
eyes like ice,
he's never waiting,
that forever flowing river
who's got this notion that
god's got nothing on his mind
christ's got nothing on his lips
"no **** way im ever gonna die"
is in his every word
each breath in is one step
closer to greatness
and the glances given
are lances
piercing
someday he will cut through the starry black
and don that sacred crown
upon that sacred stage where we
the blessed in his name gather
but don't applaud quite yet
one could always
build a dam

i hear it beating
like that thunder in the dark
its a pulse beyond blankets
and hot tea on cold nights
i hear it filling
every crevice of the world
its stalking, close, breath
every neck can feel upon it
i can fall for it
my rabbit mind sneaks into the trap,
its an eagle heart remaining free.
that's what this downfall has in store

i am less of a person
and more of a personality

something tells me you don't see my porcupine quills
for what they really are
because despite what you've been told
by those books you read at midnight
to help you erase insecurity
my kindness doesn't make me cherry-filled
my defense doesn't make me secret
your "tragic past" imposed upon me is not my motive
I am not something dug-up, mysterious and ancient
but your chart says that I am
a delicate power you need to protect
a relic from another world, an alien
different
but why compare a dark towering forest to a flower
we are not like gold and silver
we are not precious and we do not hold worth
we are manufactured of mud and clay
as your ancestors and the ones before you were
and I was raised, like mountains from earth, to believe
that all people were merely and nothing less than
human
and we do not earn this right

This morning I woke up wondering
if my sister in the spirit world could see me
and if she could why would she let me fall
into only four short hours of sleep
why would she let me bleed put on the floor
till all I felt was the knife in my gut all day
twisting and churning under the confused gaze of
two
four
six
eight men
I've lost track
lost track of time and space and the number of times they've forgotten my name
why would she let them forget my name
leave me lying there staring at the empty void sky
like static, its stasis but turbulence
all in one
why would she let me fall

can someone tell me where i am?
its dark in here with no light left
for me to see why it's so warm
something is soft, like breath,
breath on my face one inch away,
is rubbing against me, a blanket
i can feel it, around me, inside me
pulling me down into emptiness
but that nothing isn't alone,
no, that nothing is everything
because there is you

hellos and how are yous
just menial things
in comparison to that look
i can see in your eyes
when you glance my way
its singing silently in that awful,
off-tune voice of yours
and its always made me
toss and turn inside with
nausea but now there's
feathers tickling me
making me laugh

my heart's an iceberg that sinks ships
and wrecks the ocean's currents
i am a brick wall you cannot scale
and my guards are strong enough
to shoot you down
but you've become something like ivy
climbing up within me and tearing me apart
brick by brick
to build a meadow of destruction
for us to lay in together

sometimes when it gets late at night
and i see you up watching the news
again
and
again
i remember the tinker toys
down in your cool basement

it smells like must and dirt
and dust now covers the rocking horse
where i would sit and watch you rock me
the play set still looks like a jungle
the small animals are still cold to the touch
the table tennis at the edge of the wall
sits motionless

sometimes when it gets late at night
and i see you up watching the news
again
and
again
i think of when i could still love you
and when you knew my name

if there were clocks that would send me back
before the time when the neighborhood
was full of toddlers and dying men
when the rain puddles still fell lightly
beneath my still-small galoshes,
i would use them and bring you with me
we'd look at each other with hazel eyes
dripping with the stars and the memories
of our distant futures, far from our miniature grasp,
and talk about flowers and their place in our hearts
and crawl through the mud without our raincoats
to find the worms in the dirt, to build them a
kingdom of sticks and dust
with a moat running through it and we would rule
despite our ever-changing bodies
and our once separate lives

i'd make sure to place you in the empty house
right next to mine
and we'd start again
as brothers

eons of tears are streaming down her face
a rainshower of the past and forgotten
exploding into a waterfall
she doesn't know why the storm came now
but she knows that she's got no reason for it
and it makes the thunder grow louder

i've tried to give myself every warning
i've planted signs and grown a lighthouse
but im standing too close to the rocks
(its not that i can't see them,
its just that i don't care)
and i'm going to slip and fall
and im going to break an arm
leg and all my ribs
just to go swimming in my heart
just to let go of my caution-tape mind
so im going to sew my thighs and calves
so i can dive far beyond the crashing waves
where i could find my courage to speak
to whoever this is who has murdered me
to whoever this is who is smiling at me

my retainer broke and i held it in my hand
my nails were ***** because we were at camp
it was red plastic despite tasting like metal
and you were there, we walked into a boat
abandoned in the dry sand piled high
i kept seeing flies and i felt my heart
it was enormous and i couldn't stand
you made a face to show that you felt the same
when i told you about my fear of them,
and i made a face when you said you'd
forgotten to let me know, that in seven weeks
it would be goodbye, and you were leaving
for the empty deserts of California

i thought about the days and how to tell you
that i loved you, that i loved you, here,
that goodbye was all i had and all i could give
because my mouth was full from all the camp food
and the darkness you had chased away

you told me to sit by you later
when we watched the symphony play

when i woke up i couldn't shake the feeling that you had
died