I thought by now you would begin to understand
That money is simply a paper,
Made by trees, nothing but a material
I thought my absence would begin to mean something to you
More than any materialistic thing

The value of money should not be worth more
Than the daughter you have raised for 19 years.
A few hundred dollars, easy to spend,
Easy to rip, but readily replaced by the same thing
My heart, so fragile but full of feelings,
Yet easy to rip as paper, but not easily replaced

Once I have gone, there is no coming back.
Like our moments, these moments, the things that make me happy
They cannot be taken back
Once a moment is gone, it is gone

So let me be happy in this life
Let me splurge in things that make me happy
Let me travel as I please
Let me do as I please

Let me..
Because you you do not even know me or my thoughts
You have focused too much on other unnecessary things
That you no longer realize or see that
Every day I struggle with life or death

At times I wonder a life with no life
Or maybe a dying one
Would you start to care?
Would you start to do all you can to make me happy?
Will money still matter more to you than I do?

Papa please tell me...
When will you begin to value your own daughter
More than this fleshly world?

I have thoughts of dying all the time.
I go through a constant battle with depression
I cry in the middle of the night
Because of the remarks you, along with others have made.

Let me rest from the pain
So please start to realize that I am slowly dying every second
This life I live can be taken at any moment
And most importantly that I am worth more
Than all you have valued in this life

The seasons changed
Just like my feelings for you
From snowflakes to flower blooms
Sunshine to empty trees

Now to nothing.
Not a single emotion.

A glimpse of the moonlight
Was what I thought I laid my eyes on
Until I blinked a couple of times
And realized it was the sparkle in his eyes
Was what I couldn't look away from.
And oh my gosh, when he gazed back
He kept his eyes fixated with mine
The edge of my lips reached the corner of my eyes
And he whispered, "I love you"
With a kiss on the forehead
And I hugged him passionately
With an "I love you too".

August 29, 2014
That was the first day of BIO 201 lab.
The first day for a lot of things actually
Like meeting the first who met my standards
Or meeting my very first college crush

Silly isn't it?
How it all sounds like it's high school again
But, from that day on, I couldn't stop saying his name
Gabe this, Gabe that, or Gabe (insert something nice here)
I remember I'd always tell my best friend
About how smart he was

It was the kind of brilliance that was contagious
It made you want to push yourself to be better
He was so intellectually stimulating
That it was inspiring and endearing to watch
I wanted to surround myself by people like him
I wanted to be surrounded by him
I never really thought much about it

It never came to mind why I spoke so much about him
Why all I see are the goods, even from his flaws
I wanted to know more about him
Until now...
Because now I know...
That maybe...
Just maybe...
I like him.

I always wondered,
How does one have so much negative things to say?
When it was he who did close to nothing
What did he offer me?
Maybe pain and a few rides back home
What else?
Maybe an introduction to his friends
About how I am his "sister"
What did I give him?
Time even if he gave me none
I even compromised with being okay seeing him once a week
Or even once a month
What else?
Thoughtfulness
Like how I used to go to his house
Only to give him food
During his stressful days
I mean, yes he paid for one of our lunch
Throughout the one month
I dont think he knows I even bought him a gshock for his birthday
but two weeks after buying his present
He ended things with me
That im sure he was clueless about
Actually no I think he was clueless about everything
Like all the things ive done for him
Or how it is definitely okay to be upset
When you have invested so much time
Effort
And feelings into someone
Who didnt care

And Angelo was my BIGGEST disappointment
and regret ive ever come across
because while he kept breaking me to pieces,
I stayed and held myself together
Only to keep him together
Only to keep the least person who deserved none of the things I gave him,
Whole.

Why do you write
With brokenness hidden beneath your words
Sadness shadows your sentences?

She whispered softly without hesitation
"Cause the one person I ever loved
Broke my precious, innocent heart
And now I can't seem to get back up."
Tear streamed down her eyes as she looked down

I looked at her: broken, feeling unworthy
But I gazed at her with feelings
It was during her worst that I fell in love for the first time.

I was interested in someone once.
Interested in a way I wanted to know about his past,
The person he used to be
Know about every girl that broken his heart
So I can give him what he deserves
I wanted to hear all about his dreams and ambitions
Explore his favorite places with him
See old pictures from the day he was born to now
Even remember the wrinkles under the bags of his eyes
Or the number of eye lashes that curl up so perfectly
I wanted to know every little detail about him
From all the good to the bad, all the mistakes and flaws
I wanted to feel all his scars and let him know how I love them
How they make him human and imperfect
So imperfect that I've fallen deeper for him

You see I remember always wanting to be there for him
I recall taking the bus to his house to give him food
Because we all know food lessens everyone's stress - especially his
I forgave all his mistakes and sometimes even apologized for them
There was this one time he introduced me as his sister to his friends
I was so hurt, so hurt that I felt my empty within
That night, we talked things out and he said it was normal to be jealous
He said that it was natural for me to be jealous
He didn't apologize, instead I said sorry for the situation
Because I made him feel bad and that was the least I wanted him to feel.

I gave up so much and did more than I should have
Only to find out exactly four days later that he would leave
Leave me without even hesitating
And just like that he gave up on me
I think that was the very first time I felt disappointment and regret
I regret doing so much for someone who I felt didn't care enough about me
It was the night Angelo walked away from me.

The last night I'll ever mention the name Angelo
Ever.
Again.

My loyalty seems to run too deep
Unfortunately for the wrong people.
But, my loyalty is so pure and innocent
That we could be fighting
Over the same problem for weeks
Or maybe months and honey,
I would still stay by your side.

I feel my fingers searching for yours to interlock with
My ears waiting to hear you call my name
Eyes that look for your face in the crowd
There are nostrils that miss the scent of your cologne
A heart that longs for your reciprocated feelings

The way things were before

But all my fingers feel are my own bed sheets
I hear the crickets sing during midnight when I need you most
There is nothing in front of me but the wall
Creamy, dull, and empty
My nose can't smell a single odor
It is stuffed with mucus as I cry myself to sleep tonight
My chest is filled with needles
Aching, sore, and quite unbearable at the moment

Because I realized, my soul is searching for yours.

Yesterday she genuinely smiled
Something that lit the town bright
The way her lips curved to the left
Before the right reminded me
Of the days she never knew you

Tonight, believe it or not, but she laughed
Her laugh could be heard from a mile
It was so loud,
Contagious,
And it whispered the word "content" into the winds
The kind you would hear after you kissed her lips
Or at least when you used to press your lips upon hers

And tomorrow you will see her glow with happiness
The kind you see from a lonely child who finally felt love
Beautiful, exquisite, pulchritudinous, just to name a few
Those are the words that will come across your mind
When you see her pass you by

By then I will feel sorry for you
Because she finally moved on
She finally saw her true worth---her true beauty
And I will look at you and feel sorry
She overlooked your flaws, past, and mistakes.
She forgave you for your stupidity countless times
Accepted your selfishness and narrow mindedness
She made sacrifices for you,
MADE time for you when she had none,
Adjusted her life to make things work for you
To make things work with you
All those things that you could not do for her.

But now, you are nothing but a piece of her past,
A memory that is constantly fading,
An old flame that long disintegrated,
A photograph that has fallen on the back of her desk,
Or maybe you're all of that.

No. You are all of that.
And I feel sorry for you.
So sorry that you lost an amazing person
Someone who accepted every part of you,
Was willing to put up with everything,
Change her ways to make things work,
Someone who didn't give up so easily, and
Someone who would have never given up on you
The way you did with her.

He was the sun.
And she was the moon.
The distance took a toll,
the timing hindered their potential,
and their differences collided.
You see, their paths rarely crossed.
But when they do,
they could not get enough of each other

Why is it that at night I could still feel every part of you
Your breath brushing against my ears
Only to whisper the words of "good night"
Your firm arms tightly holding my petite torso
While your every finger intertwined with mine
Or how your right leg wrapped around my left
And then there's your rosy pink lips
I could still feel it passionately pressed against mine
I miss it
I miss you
Every part of you.