my mother has blue eyes
but I'm still a ******
my mother has blonde hair
but I'm still a ******
my daddy is black as night
but I'm still a *******
my daddy has ***** curls
but I'm still a *******

I call this hash tag the struggle
because to be biracial is nothing
more
because to be biracial is nothing
less
than a struggle
to find who I am
to find who I should be
to find who I'm supposed to be

i really wish they were the same person
i really wish you understood hash tag the struggle
but you don't
and you won't

so stop telling me about my
good hair
and stop telling about my high
yellow skin
and stop telling me my parents have the fever
and stop staring at me when I
walk in
and stop trying to guess which parent is black
and stop trying to guess which parent is spanish

No

I'm not Spanish.

No

I don't speak Spanish.

No

You CANNOT touch my hair

Yes, my nose is in the air
Of course I think I'm the ****
Because I live my life trying to be better than women who are dark skinned ...with something I was born with
...out of my control
Of course I try to flaunt my plush lips around the white girls who get botox
who then become the have nots because I've stolen all the brothas hearts from the city and the boondocks

See you don't even know me
but you think these are my goals

see I call this hash tag the struggle because nobody understands the trouble in being whole
when you're given two halves
that don't match to patch up one soul
and you're born into a ****** up mess still expected to know

and they tell you to ignore them all
be yourself
race should not define you
but I can't even fill out two ******* boxes on a standardized test
because you are only allowed to check ONE to describe you

hash tag
**TheStruggle

i'm biracial
no i'm not an oreo
no i ain't your zebra
i ain't the best of both your worlds
i ain't mulatto either

i am white
and
i am black
living my life with a sense of inequality
my race always seems to follow me
no matter where i'm at

white people have jokes
black people have questions
my hair appeals to some of you
while the rest of you have suggestions

who said i needed you to tell me who to be?
who said i needed to explain who i really am underneath?

striving to be normal and thriving to be equal
i just so happen to be a white girl
that knows what it's like to be black
and that bothers a lot of people

my race may not define me but it is apart of who i am
so yes i get offended when you refuse to understand

that i am what i am
black and white
white and black
light brown complexion
***** curls front to back

a strong black woman resides inside and it's she you see
a white woman is there but will never be
but i never deny my lines culturally

because they are me

My father is black and my mother is white
And though we live in a new generation I still find myself having to give explainations on how all of this works
The ignorance of race really hurts
No this is not good hair
No you can't touch it keep your ******* hands to yourself
No I'm not Mexican or Puerto Rican
Stop guessing above all else
I'm black like you
And I'm white like her
I'm flesh and blood not claws and fur
But see you don't want to accept me
Of course unless I'm president Obama or Halle Berry
Did you know they were mixed?
Or were you so deep in the lime light you don't care
Because on the streets I'm not considered black no matter how coarse my hair
I use relaxers too
I've had my hair braided
I've been called ******
I've been followed in stores
I've been sent to the end of the line for no reason
Denied friendship for seasons
And wouldn't you know
(Being black was the reason)
But its just not enough to gain any trust

I don't look anything like white people so I dont even try
Only hope for full acceptance from the other side
And yet still I'm left feeling quite empty inside
Where the hell do I fit in?
Who's on my side?
Since claiming black or white is considered a crime

This was when I decided to become an advocate of self
I found who I was
Didn't need any help
I don't let my race define who I am
But I embrace both my colors
They work well with each other
And that's something society just will not understand

I wake up and eat some eggs, a yogurt, and a few slices of melon
in an attempt to change my life
after all it is that or death
I won't hold my breath

It's a beautiful day to head to the mall
with a friend
I really know where this is going

Hmm
I like that shirt
Oops, this store doesn't offer plus size
On to the next..
I really like these jeans..
Forty five dollars for sizes sixteen and up
What a mess!

Since I refuse to let Lane Bryant **** my wallet in the ***
I decide to head to Barnes and Noble instead
I accidentally bumped into a lady and her baby stroller as I walked past and she mumbled
"Fat *****" under her breath
Yes that's what she said
I didn't even turn my head
Because that's what the lady said
and that's what society says
and instead of trying to explain it's just
easier to walk away
it's the self hatred after I dread

So I buy a whole pizza and eat the entire ******* thing
and it is beyond delicious
though the guilt I feel afterwards wasn't worth it
and vomitting that **** up was viscous

Even when I was a little girl I dreamed of being thin
I dreamed of being a model
I dreamed of having a flat tummy
Just to fit in
I didn't like the belly I had
or the fat in my cheeks
I was the only kid in gym that could never climb the rope
and that began a string of anxiety attacks
that would last for weeks

The doctor calls it insulin resistance
which leaves me with the inability to lose weight
but I shouldn't have to explain to anyone my condition
I just shouldn't have to explain
not to mention the ovarian disease that cripples me to my knees
which so happens to be genetic
and mimics the blood of a diabetic
leaving me incurable
a medical mystery
not to mention infertility
so for me
children are just a dream

Although I tell myself
that I am beautiful
and that I am intelligent
and that I am funny
and that I am a hard worker
and that I am successful
and that I am caring
and that I am loving
and that I am daring
and that I am the best **** friend a person could ever have
To a stranger I'm just a "fat *****"
and you know what?
That makes me really ******* sad

inhaling smoke from fire and
it feels good
and it pleasantly washes down a shot of imported gold
but i can still breathe, and
the burn in my gut tells me i haven't yet had enough

so, i reach for one more

and i reach for one more
and i reach for one more
and i reach for one more

soon the page is blurry
and the vision is clear;
making no less than total sense

it begins at birth;
you cannot escape the hurt

just as energy is never destroyed
it is merely transferred

pain[.]

i don't understand how you feast with the wolves
and partake in the festives of painstaking fools
but all the while feeding the devil his food
you'll find there's a plate that's been saved just for you

mommy loves you unconditionally
even as you soar amongst the clouds
searching for the perfect timing
to come on down
please, forgive my impatience
i just have this undying urge
to have you here
in my arms, clinging to my breast
as i provide you with life
and you provide my breaths

little one, shining so bright
come to me only when you feel it's right
the doctors tell me otherwise
and my womanhood is of questionable might
but i know you are as rightfully my child
just as i am the moon to your night

an infertile mother will forever understand
why so many letters are written to our unborn
with shaken hands
why so many tears have fallen
why you wonder it isn't your calling
to be given a life of other plans

but i know you hear me, little one
and i know you love me too
and i promise to better preserve my body
so that it may be the perfect home for you
until you are ready to bless me with your smile; the uniqueness that is true
everything i do, everything i aim to be,
every dream i work so hard to achieve

i do for you

so please, be slow and easy little one
mommy needs preparation too
just know this,
when you've become tired of waiting;
when you're ready for the world
and you're journey has come to the point of passing through
watch for flashing lights
and smiling faces
and tears of joy
listen for songs of love

because i'll be right there--
for i've been waiting too...

just for you.

*** stick #1 says positive
#2 from the dollar stores says negative
but #3 from the grocery said positive
and #4 from the general was inconclusive
the #5 from ER was intrusive
#6 from the gas station didn't work
#7 from the immediate care center hurt
so the clinic tells me they don't know for sure
and ultrasounds aren't yet insured
I guess I can wait
If it isn't too late
I feel my belly
guess I'll see when I show
But here comes the blood
it just never will grow

Overrated ******* cheap bitter whine out of mouths of overworked undereducated individuals searching for achievement
Family nosing into business of other family they don't even speak to but need to know who's better off or worse off so most keep in touch for fake reasons
Friends claiming to be friends even though Bobby slept with Joe's sister Kim when Kim had a baby by Bobby's cousin Jim who's sister beat the *** of that ***** Karley for sharing a photo they were in
In a relationship today because you love to watch the haters hate but make 27 statuses about how ****** ain't **** and how you're 3 months late
Hypocritical comments followed by one hundred twenty seven likes
attached to a photo of a kid that died thirteen years ago twice
but to send a prayer or save a life all you have to do is click
LIKE.

I hardly remember the world before
I wonder what the world will be after

Facebook[.]

in a world where we pray to be united
within the grasp of wholehearted humanity
standing tall
we sink in the dirt beneath our feet
and holding our heads up high we sing with the utmost pride
a song of which becomes a chanting notion
setting the tone for revenging entities
growing weary of the unwanted waste we toss our visions in the sea
without daring to take the promising chance

how are we to stand together
in a castle built to crumble in its past?

and yet we become the fools
lost in the fight and lost in our grieving
we walk the streets with our banners and our anger
without understanding what we are feeling

let me take you back to nineteen sixty three
when we marched on Washington
and we were lead by a King
what merely started as the seed of a dream
became the prelude to never ending history
yet with each milestone comes adversaries
and we still cry the tears of our fallen fathers
we still cry to be free

but remember my brothers and sisters
to be mindful in your actions
for blood does not wash blood away
and because the tongue can be a sword
be mindful of every single word you say
the whole world is unjust
be emotional if you must
but the time is now to be reflective
to be knowledgeable
to be respected
because the hearts of our sons and daughters
still need to be protected

the sun my still set orange
and they moon may still shine white
the day may still end at quarter to
the moment everything is night
and in each passing day are you going to become the change that is needed to win the fight?

are you going to do what's right?

You gave me your heart first
And then the ***
It was the best

Now you're gone
And I'm left pondering
What went wrong

Thanks anyway
It was the best
Just the ***

there comes a point in life when you feel nothing
you can smoke a pack of cigarettes in one setting and not even get sick
you can cut yourself ten times over and never feel the *****
you could walk through a thousand graveyards and not even be afraid
there comes a point in life when you feel nothing

there comes a point in life when you feel nothing
and it looks like you've given in and given up
and nobody understands this is how it goes
because when you scream and shout what you feel deep in your pitiful soul
still nobody knows
there comes a point in life when you feel nothing

to be numb is not to be weak
to be numb is not to belittle the being
to be numb is not misunderstanding
to be numb is not to abandon the self
there just comes a point in life when you feel nothing

I downed this big *** bottle of wine
in a small hope to get you off my mind
but your ******* smile man
that **** has me on cloud nine
all. the. time.
your world is scary I'll admit
not sure if you're friends or family
would accept the idea of me
or let me in
just crash into me
in a boy's dream
in a reality

I'm bare ***** here you know,
I'm crazy for you
you put a glow into my eyes
and the happiness that lacks at home
something I thought I had
something I thought I'd know
Makes me cry tears of joy and sadness all the same
I don't want to hurt anyone
but I can't help what I've gained
So what do I do with it all?
What do I do with you?

To lie in a bed of daisies
Beneath the sun and moon
To not worry who has come too early
Or gone too soon
To swim on our backs
In rivers of gold
Listen to stories
We've already been told
To tie our curls
In bows of sun
To cleanse our skin
For everyone

To show the world that we made it
The eternity promised has us elated
and here we stand wounded and jaded
But we made it

we made it

the desire burning within
a place of closed doors
and glimmering light

thoughts to dreams
to fantasy to life
there is just something about you
something about those eyes

that keeps the fire alive

can two souls connect so deeply
they may physically touch?
can one heat get so hot
it ignites an earthly sinful lust?

keep your silver spoons
and all your fancy wine
you can have your red carpet night
even diamonds couldn't give light
to the blind

as long as this doesn't die

but if it engulfs me
i shall accept the gift of scars
for even if the fire burns out
they are the remnants
of what we are

Embraced in your grasp so, I gaze into your ocean blue eyes, and I am loss in a sense of fantasy and ecstasy; which so happens to be far from reality. Although I don't care to be near reality, because it means that I can continue to be near you. So let this dream become our own reality, and let it mold our worlds into one, and let it carry on our deepest emotions and our most secret devotions until not even the tick of an awakening nightmare could tear us apart.

Close your eyes and dream with me my love; take hold of my hand and fly with me into the depths of our hearts. Let us create our own universe and state of euphoria in a land of precise perfection. The love we feel can combine with our imaginations so that even our natural world could never compete. Are you with me my love? Are you ready to live the dream of dreams?

my strength lies beneath the skin
it's inside my bones
it's the sway of my hips
it's the smile in my *******
and it roots from my soul

I am woman, you know

the doctors tell me I'll never be
the nurses tell me I've never been
they say I'll never hear my baby cry
and then God says, "guess again"

I am woman, you know

the pain is a most definite promise
and as I grit my teeth I know
the promise is always unsure
and yet here I stand defeating odds
being what you told me
I could never ever be
who says there isn't any cure?

After all,
I am woman, you know

as quick as it began
it ended
i left for sure
a blackness unlike the dark
it was a spacious energy of pure
mountain tops overlooking
valleys and rivers and seas
i stood at the edge at the highest point
and breathed in deep
i exhaled
and felt my wings
looking down there wasn't fear
only peace
i sat and smiled
i wasn't alone
but it was me
and i was free

pushed back into my being
with tubes and wires and machines
i heard the rain
i heard the thunder
and knew God let it be
a new day
a new life
a rebirth of all things

my pain is invisible to you
as i sleep the day away
the ache never subsides
the fear never fades
and the clock ticks
there goes another day

another tear
another night of crying
through the pain
alone in suffering
in an agonizing way
and the world just keeps turning
as i yearn to watch it spin

the end of the rope is tied
yet my faith is not secure
it's the fear that keeps hope dead
it's the past; the memories
that fill me with dread
it's all i have endured

be still in the shadows
i try to coat my doubts
fear in light exposes weakness
and to you i'm a nuisance
a burden
you blow the candles out

i try with every drop of blood
to keep this soul in circulation
don't let it win
i say
clench your fists
grind your teeth
grasp the demon in his realm
don't accept his invitation

but there's the dread
but there's the pain
but there's the inability to cope
you see this thing
it has you by the throat
ready to slash and slice and take your
LIFE!

and so i crumble
not from being weak
but from remaining too strong
from carrying the weight of oceans and rivers and valleys and mountains and plains travelled
far too long

oh the hurt it subsides at times
though it is never absent
i ask God to heal
what the world says can't be
and so i take what lemons they hand me
in hopes that someone keeps their word
promising a happy ending
a cure

in the time being as i lay here
in the dark thinking about tomorrow
and where i might go
all i ask is for your grasp

please don't let me walk alone

i love you and i hate you
you make me more and less
of what i am to be
do i cling to helpless hope?

or do i set you free?

i am a sinner
my sin keeps me awake in the night

walking with the devil isn't easy
with God by your side
my heart inspired by the love
my mind corrupted by evil

no wonder i never sleep right

hugging tight my broken pillow
i forgot to say my prayers to mend
hope God awakes me in the morn
just so i can sin again

never born a perfect
never lived a saint
i'm in love with second chances;
sometimes third helpings on my plate

today He has already sealed my fate
i just don't know the date

i can only hope He continues to forgive
as i continue to live
self destruction never wins
it's always too late

i was made a true believer, but i've
fallen victim to the biggest deceiver
and while i know the liar won't offer me a thing
i swim in pools of blood from the ring

save me oh Lord,
is there an angel you can send?
no doubt You are my Father,
but you see the devil is my friend

there it is
i've gone and sinned again

forgive me Hail Mary Hail Mary Hail Mary
it isn't as easy as it is written
you eat it, you breathe it, you reap it
you sow, sow, sow
the guilt; you keep it
forever and ever
in a church we sin together
and point a finger or two
because that's easier than accepting what is truly wrong with me and you

there are priests who touch little boys
there are ****** killers as well
and today i told a lie to God
so together we all go to hell

Lord, save me and help me mend
help me sleep, help me wake
walk with me as i sin again

I think about you so often
that I find myself in your dreams
searching for your spirit
to kiss you
to hold you
to know you
how beautiful the night seems
now that I've found you

Let our imaginations
continue to carry us beyond the page
and into our veins
for purpose
for clarity
for understanding
how lovely the days have become
now that I've found you

If it only lasts a short while
and all we have is this moment then I still wouldn't have it any different
to read you
to feel you
to heal you
how the hurt seems to disappear
now that I found you

Even if it is just the moment
let the moment continue to be as lovely as our dreams

Blink your eyes once.

An innocent child
killed just like that.

Blink your eyes twice.

While walking through the wrong neighborhood

being black.

How far has the doctrine of Dr. King
come for that?

Mr. Cooke sang to us a change
was gon come..
and he ain't even here to write the lyrics to finish the song unsung!

I wonder if he is watching from the sky,
and knows we are all afraid to die.

It's been a long time coming,
he said.

And here we still wait
to be dead.

And in the midst of our waiting,
we've decided to
**** each other instead.



I know change is a long time coming

Dear Precious,

Mommy loves you.

You are the complete adoration of my selfless soul. What joy and learning experience it will be to watch you grow!

You aren't even here yet, but I know you are patiently waiting to come through. Funny thing you may want to know; your mommy is patiently waiting too!

I pray to God He gives me the tools I need to be the perfect mother. That I can truly provide you with the world you deserve, and to make you the greatest King or Queen you were born to be.

I will teach you about loss and I will teach you about love. I will show you the beauty in lillies and the purity of a dove. I will introduce you to adventures and the rising of the sun, and I will teach you how to capture fire flies when the day is done.

I will do my best to help you understand pain, and show you that even a rainbow cannot exist without rain. You will know the gift of a father and will know the love of a much higher power.

My precious soul child you, I will do everything in my power to love, honor, and rightfully protect you. So do not be afraid to come down to this silly earth, there is far too much to see.  Come down for a visit and be with me.

You will understand one day what it is to be in my shoes, and I will always be at your side, whether in physical or spiritual form, to guide you.

My precious soul child wherever you may be, I will always be waiting.

Love You Forever,
Mom

To walk among the living
cursed to be the dead
I understand the fear inside
because I bathe in dread
and to sleep a peaceful night
with fate dancing on my head
leaves a taste of rotting premonitions
upon my tongue instead

*Beware of your surroundings
wash the evil off your hands
We are no longer safe from Satan
he has kissed the promised land
And when war ceased to erase
the common fault of man
There will be an entire wave of famine
birthed from the smallest grain of sand

you left your imprint
on mother earth herself
in our hearts you left your voice
you gifted us with melodies
of most valuable wealth
charismatic grace across the stage
you never did it for fame
originality legendary perfection
spiritual soulful being of peace
from the very first note we heard
music hasn't been the same since
others may have had their King
but we had our Prince
humbled at the idea
success doesn't mean it's over
and openly giving your life to Jehovah
doing good deeds behind the scenes
you were careful and serene
artist first, entertainer came next
you never disappointed the world
until the day you left

and here we all join hands and reminisce
oh the years you got us through
joy, love, hurt, progression
defeating the evils of the industry
giving us hope in oppression
and as we watch the doves cry
we wipe our tears too
how much you're adored
if you only knew
the thunder rolls and we feel the first drops begin to fall
it doesn't erase the emptiness one bit
but it brings us to a crawl
you never meant to cause us any sorrow
you never meant to cause us any pain
so we will be here
bathing in the Purple Rain.

We love you forever Prince Rogers Nelson.

Are they the crash of lightening on a dry desert plain?
Are they the sound of thunder in the night rumbling for miles and miles and miles?
Or are they the soft center of a fresh apple pie on a fall day?
I tell you dreams are good
and they are bad
But dreams are the best and worst
of reality
which is why they take no shape nor form and lose all sense of normality
Dreams have no jurisdiction
and that's beauty in their existence

So what are dreams?
What are they you say?
I say the pink sky of dusk on a hot summer day after a wrath of cooling rain
and in purest form may they take photographs of the most intimate part of your brain
and as complicated as they may seem
they are nothing but a dream
Beyond what they become is entirely up to you..
for dreams don't appear from nothing and it is the responsibility of your own soul
to make them true

deep in the meadow
as all rebirths within in the sun
in the midst of early spring

darkness is descending
and beneath the fallen raindrops
i am the only nonliving thing