I used to see the world
in shades of black and blue.
Like the imprint of hands,
like the image of my bruised skin.

The flashes of pain,
blindingly white
behind my eyelids,
shut tight.

I shut my eyes as tightly
as you gripped my wrist.
Trying to block out the pain,
as you tugged me along.

My eyes were still ******* shut
when you slammed my head against
the picture frame, cracking
in tandem with my broken heart.

I remember hot breath on my neck,
whispering.
"You're mine" is supposed to be endearing,
right?

You love me
you love me
you loved me,
right?

I keep breaking myself into pieces
and giving them away.

I’ll fade away little by little,
becoming smaller every day.

I fix and fill
each little hole.

I cure them eventually, and
it doesn’t matter what they stole.

As long as they are happy,
who cares how I feel?

As long as they aren’t broken,
I’ll bear wounds that time won’t heal.

I thought my heart was dead.
That I couldn’t feel affection for anyone,
not after everything he had done to me.

But then you came into my life,
so suddenly, I couldn’t see it coming.
I didn’t expect to like you.

I told myself I wouldn’t, or couldn’t, care for you.
You aren’t mine.
I don’t even know if you’re interested.

But thank you for reviving a part of myself
I thought I’d never see again.
Even if this is only a crush,

I’m glad my first was on you.

words fill her up
in a way
people never could

It’s getting bad again.
My skin is scratching, itching, burning.
I want to rake my nails down my wrist
just to relieve a little pressure.

It’s building up inside me.
I’m afraid that I’ll explode
and imbed shrapnel in those
who are closest to me.

I shy away
and leave myself alone.
Better to suffer in silence
than to make others worry.

I want to press a blade
deep into my hips.
To feel the blood bubbling up
and all my pressure-pain-panic
leaving with
each drop that flows down my thigh.

Just like old times.

I used to think
that we were born empty
and someone else had to make us whole.

I used to believe
that he would complete me
not leave me empty and cold.

The boy stripped me
bare and took everything
from me just to fill himself.

I became nothing
but a shell of the girl that
I used to be, before he emptied me.

I used to think that
he loved me and he was doing
this to me out of care and devotion.

I was wrong to think,
to believe that he caged
me out of love and admiration.

Each hit
and verbal abuse
felt like love to me.

He told me that
he was scared of losing me,
so he lost his mind when I didn't answer.

He loved me
too much to let me
do a n y t h i n g by myself.

If I didn't have him
I would end up alone,
who else could possibly want me?

I believed
each and every
lie that he told me.

-is it really abuse if he says he loves you?

I am jealous.
I am jealous of the way you easily change your faces.
They switch so quickly,
hardly anyone can keep up.

I am jealous.
I will admit it, the green monster building inside.
How do you live your life,
so carelessly.

I am jealous and angered.
I wish I could be as selfish and cold hearted as you.
I wish I could rip the knife out of my back,
and stab you too.

I am jealous and heartbroken.
I cry out in pain, pain that you so ruthlessly inflicted.
You think only of yourself, trampling everything in your path.

I am jealous and done.
I am tired of trying and fighting, fighting for you.
I am done wishing that you will be a better person.

Now,
no one is left to root for you.

Every hope I've ever built up,
it all comes crashing down.

How do I always get stuck with the broken ones,
their scattered pieces on the ground.

I'm left to pick them up
and solve their messy riddle.

I put their pieces back in place,
no matter how brittle.

I make them whole and happy.
I make them tall and strong.

I give them my devotion and love,
but then they treat me wrong.

Because I picked them up,
and helped them start anew

they think that they're entitled.
I guess that's what they're used to.

They're accustomed to deference.
They expect to be treated like queens and kings.

I let them abuse and use me,
each day brings a new sting.

I always realize too late,
getting hurt by their schemes and plans.

It's only when their true colors show
that I see bloodied red cuts on my hands.

Pushing and pulling.
We push and pull at each other
like two magnets,
opposing and attracting
with every twist.

You push me away
and I pull you back.
I push you in return,
you pull me further into the dark.

We’re no good for one another.
We knew this wouldn’t last.
What did you expect,
when all the lies piled up.
Did you think you could hide them forever?

Lies never stay hidden.
The truth reveals itself in the end,
and often not in the ways we want it to.

Your lies were the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.

You were supposed to be my new beginning ,
my happy ever after
my knight coming to rescue me.

I realized too late that I dont need to be rescued.

I needed an equal.

Someone to pull me up when I fell,
not pull me down and drown me.

I needed someone to push me to be my best,
not push me towards darkness and deceit.

You think that you haven’t done anything wrong.
You love me, so how could you ever hurt me?

The ones who love us tend to hurt us the most.

You wanted me kept tightly in your firm grip.
You always “knew what was best for me”,
without consulting me.

I thought I was the one that didn’t deserve you.
You were sunshine and warmth wrapped in a human body.
I didn’t realize you’d leave me burnt and scarred skin.

I’m choosing to move on.
I’m choosing to forget.

You never deserved my devotion and defense.

Everyone warned me about you, they told me you were dangerous.
I didn’t believe them, I couldn’t see.

You’ve opened my eyes, for the last time.

So goodbye, my love.
Goodbye, my friend.

You won’t be invited into my life again.

Is it possible for heartbreak to cause physical pain in your chest?

I can feel it burning,
scorching
its searing pain
deep inside.

How am I supposed to breathe when I'm weighed down by it?

My lungs try to expand
but,
they get stuck.
No air comes.

I don't think I will ever find another who cares like you do.

Your love suffocates me,
I am
floundering and
drowning in it.

I know that when I end this, I will never feel love again.

How is it
that even though
I'm the one ending it,
I'm the one broken.

I asked you straight to your face, how was it so easy to lie?

You lied to me
over and over
time and time
again.

I knew this would never work, I ruin everything I touch.

We should have
just stayed friends.
Nothing will ever
be the same again.

I may be imperfect and flawed, not worthy of much.

I expected more from you,
a self proclaimed
knight
in shining armor.

You ******* this one up, my darling.

I miss my best friend, but I won't rely on your devotion
and misconstrued idea of love.

Moving on is bitter sweet.
I am filled with memories
joyful and bleak.

I remember, laughing until we cried
and arguing about
your petty pride.

This messy affair
drained me slowly.
Now, I just don't care.

You ruin everything around you.
I just never thought
you'd try to ruin me too.

Your hypocritical behavior,
turning your nose down at those
who could have been your savior.

I am leaving you now,
nothing can make me stay.
So go on, take a bow.

You'll be left a mess,
with no one who cares.
You're not worth the stress.

I have lovely friends
who love me for me.
We won't make amends,

I'm over your deceit.

I feel irritable
for no reason at all.

I can’t shake this feeling
of wanting to scream my head off.

I feel unstable, like
the smallest thing could set me off.

Every noise, not matter how big
or how small

grates on my ears,
and fills me with anger.

My body quivers with unease,
my hands fidget incessantly.

Sensory overload,
can’t seem to dull the things around me.

I want to pull my hair out.
I want to scratch and yank at my skin.

My body doesn’t feel like it’s mine,
I feel uncomfortable. My skin is crawling.

Stop asking me what’s wrong,
I can’t give you an answer.

I could tear myself apart,
piece by piece.

All due to this feeling,
of being overly full

yet
too
empty.

I had a nightmare about you.
It ended just like you’d
imagine it would.

You grasped my wrist
firmly in your grip
and shoved me against the wall.

I could feel the explosion
of pain pounding in my head
as you slammed it into a picture frame.

You were yelling in my face.
I could feel the rage
pouring out of you.

Why did you always take
everything out on me?
Even when I’ve done nothing wrong.

Nothing but exist,
I suppose.
My terrible crime.

You were like a drug.
Addicting and harmful,
I just couldn’t quit you

Finally I did
but yet,
you still haunt my dreams.

Someday I will wake up
completely normal.
No nightmare lingering.

I won’t wake up
in a cold sweat,
afraid that you still own me.

I’ll wake up
utterly free.
You, just a distant bad memory.

Heart pounding,
Stomach churning,
Hands shaking,
Panic.

I wake up feeling
oh so nauseous
why is my heart
pounding in my chest?

I tell myself:
"you're fine"
"it's all in your head"
"just breathe"
but then why do the symptoms feel so real?

My thoughts are racing
in time with my pounding heart beat
My stomach queasy and my
body trembles like a shaken leaf
blowing in the wind.

The panic makes it seem
like I will never feel well again
I crave to be normal
to not feel like I'm dying
just from waking up.

You’re losing your grip on me
Your control built on hate
Is crumbling away

I am healing
Someday there will be no part of me
That you have touched

Bruises have faded long ago
Internal scars take longer
To disappear

My sense of self
Was nonexistence with you
Because of you, because of me

Someday I will no longer feel your hands
On me, hurting me
The memory will fade

I will no longer remember
In shades
Of black and blue

I am happy today
Knowing that soon
I will forget you

Forget the shouting
Sounds of broken things
Crashing against the wall

Forget the feel of your hands
Squeezing and
Filling me with disgust

I am still in pain
The aftermath of a war
That you declared on me

Your words still have a hold
But they are fading
Into nothing

Just like you

I used to see the world
In shades of black and blue
Like the imprints of hands
Like the images of my bruised skin

With you, my dear, I see in color
A new world is awakened,
With you by my side
Slowly healing my scarred heart

Sometimes my world fades
I go back to hues of blue
The bleakest shades
Memories **** me in, suffocate

You bring me back
Set my feet in place
Your easy smile, admiring eyes
Pull me back to earth

You're ridiculous and difficult
You care too much
I know I don't deserve it
But someday, I'll earn that devoted love

I don't need a hero
Someone to swoop in at the last minute

I don't need a human savior
You don't know what you're doing

You think you're so high and mighty
Angelic goodness wrapped in flesh

You're so blinded by your haughtiness
You can't see that you're living death

You only know how to use
To take until there's nothing left

Too bad I know your tricks
It won't be me that's left for dead

I can take care of myself
I know how to write out the pain

I love the friends I've made
Something you'll never obtain

I’m sorry
I’m sorry for always saying sorry
I’m sorry I don’t know how to not feel sorry

I’m sorry if you don’t understand
Why I have to always say sorry
I’m sorry

Sorry sorry
I’m sorry for everything
Apologize for breathing

I’m sorry I let him make me feel sorry
Panic at imaginary mistakes
I’m sorry

I had to apologize for being alive
So sorry, don’t be angry
I’m sorry

I made sure to apologize
When he got that look in his eye
I’m so sorry

Don’t make eye contact
Look down at the ground
I’m sorry

Sorry sorry sorry
I’m sorry
Maybe someday, I won’t feel sorry

I can still hear your voice
Your whispers of painful truths
Your hands slide around my waist
I have to suppress a shiver of disgust

I can still feel your fingers
Curled tightly around my wrist
In a bruising grip
Your anger coats the room

I can still hear the sound
Of things thrown around your room
Yelling and screaming
The panic rising in me

I can still feel your breathe on my neck
The memory makes me shudder
Possessive hands on my hips
“You’re mine” is supposed to be endearing right?

I can still hear your rules
Echoing in my head
Don’t talk to them, don’t go out
Don’t you dare disobey me

I can still feel every bruise
I can hear all the horrible things you told me
I am worthless
Who could want me, besides you?

I may still hear you
I may still feel you
But I do not need you
And someday, I will not believe you

It's so easy to forgive
But you will never forget

You will smile again
Yet, your mind will replay it

It is better this way
Keep your guard up high

Be glad you can forgive
Despite receiving no apology

Be glad you can't forget
The same thing will not happen twice

I forgive you
I forgive your disappointment

Despite the non-apology
I choose to do it anyway

Do not expect much from me
You will not know me again

You wasted your opportunity
I don't need to be shown twice

Disloyalty speaks for itself
We can only share past fond times

I will not share my secrets
Secrets you can't keep

I will not share my feelings
You've proven that to me

I'm glad I could forgive you
I'm glad I will move on

Too bad I can't forget
All the betrayals that hurt me for so long

Who do you think you are
To be blaming others for your mistakes
You think you are a perfect
But you’re no saint

You think I don’t have reasons
To be upset with you
I hate to bring a reality check
But I have more reason than you do

Betrayal and broken trust
Are valid reasons i’d think
Maybe you’re just so two-faced
You can’t even see past your own mistakes

You lie and lie
You skirt around the truth
You’re so fake
you even deceive yourself

You gave no apologies
For all the ways you wronged me
You tried to guilt trip and trick
But I won’t be mislead so easily

You delude yourself
Do you even know who you are?
You say the problem is other people
But it was you all along

I wish that I could trust you,
sometimes I almost do.

I crave our old companionship.
Why did you have to ruin it?

I guess I didn't mean that much,
I deceived myself completely.

I thought you cared as much as I did.
I know that was my mistake.

Your only fault is constant disappointment.
Maybe I just expect too much.

Is it too much to ask for loyalty?
Was it too hard to be trustworthy?

You deny the whispers spoken behind my back,
but don't you know I can feel the slimy betrayal?

The knife in my back still hasn't left,
not with you constantly pushing it back in.

I wish I could trust you,
but now I know better than that.

The burning flames of pain lick at my scorched and fragile soul, I fear that one more heartbreak will leave it crumbling into ashes.

My heart welcomes despair with open arms, he tells me all the things I don't want to hear.
Tells me all the truths I run from during the day, but I cannot escape them as the sun goes down.

They scrape at me, scratching incessantly at my delicate soul, they coat me with their words, their bitter carefully selected truth that I cannot tune out.

Death becomes more appealing, why should I not end my suffering and give in to the sweet caress of misery?
Giving up has never seemed more alluring than it does at 2 am. It seduces me with promises of peace and silence.

Silence from the voices that are constantly screaming at me. I cannot drown them out, their echoes are deafening in my ears. Haunting, they are all I can hear.

Despair is my constant companion, whispering in my ear. Hope helps me tune him out and quiet the hurting. Hope continues to save me, hope is all that I can cling to when the world gets too dark to pretend that I am normal.

I will never be normal, I do not know how to be happy. My self hate chokes me, the pressure of being alive is a constant weight on my chest. I will never escape this.

But hope is there to soothe me, telling me all will be okay even if I know deep down I will not be. Hope chases away the attraction of death, for one more day.
I fear for the day that death becomes too enticing to ignore,
for now hope drives it away, leaving the dull aching and the desperate wanting to be gone.

Forgive but don't forget my dear
Forgive to set your heart free

But don't you dare forget
How you were wrecked so completely

Remember blood stained lips
Tears streaming down your face

Forgive the words they spit
Forgive the names they claimed

Don't forget the pain
The deep sorrow you felt inside

Pretend it's all okay
Pretend until it's true

Hide all the tear stained pillow cases
Hide the scars that they inflicted

No one will ever know how bad you hurt
You can smile and laugh to hide it

Never forget this moment
How you felt in the past

Never trust again
Now you know better than that

I am staring at the cracked glass
Constantly fracturing
It is spiderwebbing out
It just keeps on cracking

We tried to fix it
With glue and tape
Nothing has worked
I think we might be too late

The glass cracks some more
You can hardly see through it
It’s a disaster waiting to happen
I can no longer ignore this

How do we continue
When we can no longer see
The transparency is gone
All I feel is uneasy

The glass finally shatters
Leaving fragments all over the floor
It gets imbedded into our skin
Leaving scars as reminders

Theres nothing left to fix
A million pieces surround us
If you hadn’t ruined it with your fist
We wouldn’t be left with this irreparable mess

The lies just keep stacking up
You can’t even be honest about the simple things
If only you were better at it

Pathological liar?
Or just another pathetic human?

Your stories are starting to get crossed
You’re becoming sloppy
Do you even realize that you give yourself away?

You lie about everyday things
You lie about personal things
Perhaps your whole life is a lie

A lie, you keep on changing
Can you even remember the real story?

You’re mad when I don’t buy in
To your pathetic little game
You’re upset cause you thought you could keep fooling me

I caught on to your scheme
I caught on a long time ago
You’re not as good as you think

In fact,
You’re not worth much at all

The blossoming of trust
What a beautiful sight to see
Whispering secrets
Just between you and me

I thought we were forever
What a friend I gained
You took this wondrous thing
You took it and you maimed

Did the lies burn your throat
Or does deceit set you free
Was any of it real
Or did you just want to hurt me

Congratulations
You have won
What a pedestal of evil
You have put yourself on

I'll smile and nod and laugh
But, the real me is gone from you
You ruined it with your hate
We won't begin anew

You think I don't know
All the things you've said
There's nothing left for us to save
Thanks to all of your bloodshed

You sacrificed my heart
You played a game of deceit
Despite your cruel ways
Next time, it won't be me that's beat

I am awake, yet I don't feel alive.
I am here, but I've forgotten how to breathe.
How do I still exist?
Somehow, I keep going
going and going until there's nothing left.
I am an empty shell
devoid of any feelings
until they crash over me
like an unending tidal wave
a crash of misery and despair
leaving me to drown.
It's been too long since I've had air.