You gift me gold,
bringing back old habits,
remember though that
I never aimed for the stars
nor the way they shine,
I wear the gold around my neck,
with no sparkles in my eyes,
wishing it was silver instead,
gold bends and stretches,
but silver reflects and deflects,
it can handle reality,
even when things heat up.
remember that personalities shine brighter than any star
old habits approach me like dealers
in the darkness. their faces hidden by shadow,
their intentions vivid as they whisper
wonderful promises of release,
of escape and of freedom.
i tell them no, push them away,
i attempt to stray towards the light.
they grab my wrist and spin me around,
holding tight as they look me in they eyes
and whisper "you're not going anywhere".
i try to hold out, but the fear is building
up inside, and i'm not sure if i am strong enough
to fight back, to win this constant battle.
i want to scream for help, i want to cry out
in desperation, but i am drowning.
It’s getting bad again.
My skin is scratching, itching, burning.
I want to rake my nails down my wrist
just to relieve a little pressure.
It’s building up inside me.
I’m afraid that I’ll explode
and imbed shrapnel in those
who are closest to me.
I shy away
and leave myself alone.
Better to suffer in silence
than to make others worry.
I want to press a blade
deep into my hips.
To feel the blood bubbling up
and all my pressure-pain-panic
each drop that flows down my thigh.
Just like old times.
things I refuse to do again but haunt my mind
Darkness is funny in the ways he works.
I feel him embrace me from behind, like old friend's surprises
In a room full of fresh bright and clean faces, I only recognize one
There will be only him to run back to.
I picked the name as darkness arbitrarily.
He goes by loss, despair, many others he doesn't want me to say
I try to ditch him, to unfriend this glitch in my normality, turn every corner looking for a way to unhook myself from this line
I use him as he engulfs me, intensely scales as I excuse myself from dinner.
He doesn't leave, turning to faces surround me
he will be there
A stench of a disaster, stains on holy clothes, we will not be separate
The days I have without him are short, warm, comforting
There's that word,
I burn uneasy from that name than I do of my old friend
He knows how to cloth me
willed days to be long, lost and cold.
I run to find the ease of unhappiness and solitude day in and day fall
I don't mean to be rude, I must go, I'm in need of darkness.
A rush of blood to the head
The excitement of dread
Do we yearn for the reasons we bled?
To be free from reality
Can't see your mortality
It's no surprise
Devils love hospitality
Nobody watches him slide through the door
You give him everything yet he somehow wants more
Let him tear up the carpet
That was the last time
I decided recently to try to put my mind back together and isn't working the pieces of my mind are a maze that I don't know the answer to so keep on turning left turning left and turning left hoping that I don't end up in the same spot that I did when I started.
We all have things we don’t talk about anymore things that we left in the past far behind us things that we don’t like to think about.
I’ve forgotten all my memories not exactly where they used to be and I just don’t want to talk about them anymore we all have things we don’t talk about anymore.
You want to ask me if I’m lost well of course and lost… everybody’s lost sometimes. It’s never our fault but we choose to see it that way and so I’ve been looking through other people’s eyes to see if they can see what I’m supposed to be. If they know who I used to be.
Not the kind of identity crisis that you like to have that is the kind you keep around because it’s the only thing you can call home. I’ve been searching for pieces of my life through other people because maybe they remember something about me that I don’t I am lost… of course and lost. Repeating words, and phrase so I don’t forget them like the rest of my memory.
I’m not trying to steal anything that belongs to you I’m just trying to look for myself and if you have the key to that then I might as well chase you down as long as I can live.
Or maybe I just want your life because I can’t find mine because I’ve been looking through different people and not finding the me I used to want to be I am lost. So please don’t make me out to be the bad guy I am not trying to steal what used to be yours, I’m only trying to take back what’s mine.
I’ve stayed up countless nights and I still can’t find myself and maybe music is the only key out of that but I haven’t heard much lately. I haven’t slept in a few days and nobody’s been able to stop me there are things we do not talk about anymore. There are people that we do not talk to anymore. Our songs we don’t sing anymore because we don’t remember what they used to mean to us there are songs I have left so many years ago.
I don’t recognize myself in the mirror so maybe I can recognize myself in the reflection of a window of somebody else. I’ve heard a voice singing in my own ears and I wonder if it’s my own voice telling me to wake up. Staying up late at night thinking about all this is a habit that I thought I forgot years ago and yet it still comes back and I’m lost again in this maze of my own memory turning left turning left open to get to the end.
So yes I am lost but if you’re willing to catch me maybe this maze isn’t as dangerous as it used to be.
Wrote this in response to a song.
more then anything
i wish i could go go back
to old habits
my skin aches
for the sick
burn across my ankles
Old habits never die
I'll always want you by my side
Warm large lips
Chronic green eyes
Cold finger tips
Our lust never dies
Quick heavy breaths
Stolen wet kisses
Leaving tingles on my neck
And scratch marks on your back
Lethal nights and morning regrets
You and I is as good as it gets
Long gone love and tasteful resentments
Are completely forgotten by the touch of the skin
— The End —