The name.
it gives me a fluttering in my stomach
a zing in my heart
a leaping feeling
the feeling of running to feel the wind in my hair
never stopping
like eating sopping wet waffles
sugary sweet sticky on a plastic plate
becoming a kid again.
But once I fly too high on that eternal flaming phoenix bird,
called false confidence,
the ashes begin to fall alongside me.
Icarus is not my name but my intention,
of dreaming too big hoping too much...
believing... in such a human invention.
Wings to let me fly like a Robin.

Angry and sad we fall to be reborn into a hope as false as we are
as false as I am.
For the truth left me as soon as I was born
and will lay dormant with me till I die.

I am tired of the sad poems
The words that have been said before
Boys off to war
I’m sighing out love poems
Like I’ve never heard the works of wonders
Of the unsaid I love you
I am laying down for every no one ever realized they loved me
Till it was a too late poem
I’m fainting at the sight of anger
Red hot and blue
Like an abusive bruise
That, someone, took the time to choose
To become the bearer and the wearer of bad news
I’m yawning between the pages and
Phrases of stringing words
To create ideas and nations
Of thoughts so carefully thought up
Just to throw up and spit out

you are the reason I sit and pause at brown eyes
make my stomach swoop when they look softly
gazing beyond the soul that inhabits my body
letting me rot in disappointment
for they are not your eyes

If god would smite me for love
Then count me smitten
Kissing my girl in the kitchen
Hot chocolate boiling,burning in the *** we aren’t listening

Loving my lover in every form
Between them and the Bible
I am not torn
Because between the steeple and the people
I chose my people

Drag shows my church
The queens my pastors
glitter my baptismal waters
The rainbow flag my cross

Self love and
Acceptance
Patience
My virtues

Let love and sweetness be my guiding lights
Happiness is what I’m looking for and it is sure to be found

If god would smite me for happiness
Then count me happy
Joy spilling from my lungs in laughter
in my arms I hold my heart

If god would smite me for being me
Then I will be me
Afterlife be ******
If I can’t be me in this life
Then what I am I but a ******* sham
Too scared to face the person I am

It’s been the first time in a long time
The pain
The aches have subsided
Just for today rain
The calmness of storming winds
The warmth of my sweater the smell of food
And good steaming love of my rice cooker
The cuddles of the fog
My imaginary cat slinking in the corner and for the first time
In a long time
I feel safe and happy I use to
In toddler like aw
I wish I could keep these warm sleepy
Drippy rain feelings
Like one keeps candy in a glove box
Or a song in your head
Just this feel good feelings on loop
Melancholy but good enough to ease the ache I’ve felt since I left my childhood behind
​and adulthood began

Sometimes I know you don’t know me
You don’t respect me
You accept me like blank stares and awkward silences in dinning rooms
Where I trust you to be to support me
I fall on the unforgiving dirt road of denial

I finally get myself now
Where on the map I am
You my compass
I understand now
You will always lead me away
From blue sky’s to grey


I know now where all my insecurities came to be
Where they grew their roots thick and deep around my soul

The map I read makes it all to clear to see

I’ve stopped trying to please the people I cannot please
And in exchange I find myself looking to please me
I’ve stopped trying to find goals and achieve expensive pieces of paper
Cause I’m the end we are going to the same place proper.
Heaven or hell in dirt encrested ground
Embalmed or silent ash making microbial sounds

I started to feel in colors
The day I got rid of my feelings
Tucked them under my eyelids
And brushed tears away like
I was making wishes on silly
Stray eyelashes

Pink is such a distressing color
Bright light pink
Or the yellow of caution tape hue
Becoming as bright at the sun
All screaming
They can’t hear you
And when they do
They don’t like you

Why do you treat me so
why do i let you?

You stole me then added me on, to become a part of you.
but honey
I am the house extension that shouldn't have been invested in
I am the shell to your hermit crab always
disposable as the plastic rain found in the landfills of our futures.
A wasteland of mass proportions
to which you will find treasures or trash
depending on the man you are
And you will certainly only find trash.
And oh honey baby, my dear, I am only but a treasure.

It sticks to the back of my throat
like peanut butter
It sits back there like a frog
and I croak croak croak,
but it never escapes my quivering lips
It never leaves me
It never makes itself known
But it hopes like every little insecurity I've ever owned
that you will see it one day
accept it one day
read bedtime stories to it
feed it food from your dinner table
cloth it as it wants to be clothed
support it like you are the keystone
to my door
to the world, I deserve to belong in
yet I still only manage to look at it
from the blurry red plexiglass windows

I hear voices from beyond it
Be brave.
Be brave.
It gets better
little one.

But when I look out that window
I hear the depressions and suppressions of a people
gunshots and violence
and somewhere off in the distance
I hear the singing laughter and joy

Be brave
Be brave
little one

but they are as far as my voice is trapped and away from me
and as tangible as the frog in my throat
Stuck in Pandora's box
with a million others just like me.

I see signs of high rock
and yet I still climb
in a blind fear
mislabelled Bravery

The current is fast underway
faster than the rabbit beating its warning in my chest
I know the jump
I know the jump like I know myself
but
Still, I am unable to take the chance

that the trees aren't laughing but cheering
that you won't get in the way when I take the plunge

Sometimes I wonder how I didn’t notice
Being left outside in the cold darkness
But I think it was the softness of you playing that led me here.
With a perfect view window
Of you and your new toy
I wonder how long it will be
Till my paint wears thin
And sheds
And if you will find me, or only remember me from that time long ago

See I tricked myself into thinking you loved me
When really you just liked the feeling of my love

And now I hope your new toy never needs you in the way I do

And now I hope your new toy never feels sad and lonely

And now I hope your new toy never has to share that with you

Because I hope that you two are always happy. Cause that’s the feeling you are addicting and addicted too

And yet still I hope
one day you’ll find the space
Where I use to occupy
And wonder just as I use to

Why does it feel so empty here?
Cold and isolating
Wet with salt made rivers and dead trees
What happened and when did it happen here?

Cause I still love you but not as much as I feel like a dumb **** waiting for you... waiting for you  to realize this is the thing that you do when someone gets too sad
to give you that happy feeling you and I are addicted to.

Somewhere under the darkness of my room,
the depths of the ocean spring around me
sounds warped in infinite finished bursts of time

and found itself in a new dimension
and forgot to invite me along

still, I love the sounds of things
I can never be apart of
like the gaggling school of fish in this sea

like the coffee cafe conversations
like the whispered chisme
this part of the world
this dimension
just isn't for me

smooth like beach wood
driftwood you stand
to be sat upon and dragged

cooling glassy salt
deep within your wounds
sanded with time

I wonder if you wish to be
again
as I am laying upon you
dragging you every which way

you are warped and worn
and so I'd like you to stay
but as driftwood would
you always journey forward
for another rainy beach day

Leaving me adrift in my sunny
sandy ways.

I lie in wait for space.
A space of my own
where quiet ambiance roams

Jasmine and mint steep in time
growing lax on a warm sunlit spot on the floor
my book groaning at me to read it,
just a little more.

something deeper than self-care
a little something of self-healing

I wait for you.
My mysterious being,
although I doubt you exist
I feel myself losing it all in the rift
of these futile wounds
and these nights of sunlit tunes

I don't want to be yours
Your *******
Your side chic
Your main
I don't want to be your ex
girlfriend or wife
I don't want to be in a box you have framed for me
I can't be the mom
I can't be the wife
I can't be the girl

Cause I'm so much more
Then the standard flowers
The chocolates and sweets on valentines
Day

Cause you deserve so much more
Then to declare your love
to someone without it

I deserve so much less

Cause honey boy
You may love me today but tomorrow I'm changed
Tomorrow I won't be the me you want me to be
and that's ok

So keep your love and find it somewhere anew

A cookie cutter girl
Who is kind to you
Cause she will be what you want her to be

And then make the promises you plan on keeping
Just not to me

You may call me a Snowflake,
        But I will not melt.
You may call me a Snowflake,
        But we will blanket the ground
You may call me a Snowflake
        But my fist will remain
        In the air, emboldened
        And Inflamed
You may call me a Snowflake,
But my chapped lips will Breathe
Warm Winter air
You may call me a Snowflake,
     But remember
             you are nothing but an old tin can
     Rusting away in the cold of
             Our Snowflake sand
             for we are everywhere you will stand
You may call me a Snowflake,
Cause I will be back again
        And again and again
        Waiting here on the ground
        For you to come join me
        under this blanket
And be a friend.

Barefoot on a cattle's back
Old as dust, painting it's children
with powdery track
the dry grass its den
the bear of the fields
does it step forward
do I step back?
from the cattle's back
titter totter tat
                covered in dust
*Thwack

My poetry and I fight
with guns and knives
looking for something that just feels right
standing somewhere close
are the things we cannot see
for the light and bright we fight for
blinds us to friends and makes of us
enemies again
so we fight in fright
of a word made from violence  
inside this head.

Frustration like the sound of your hair
Like the tune of violin strings
Brushed the wrong way
Leaving gasping breaths behind
Sliced and diced as hands run through hair like knives
Fight or flee
Or curl into a ball
And I forgot the world exists
Stuck with hair like mine
Stuck with hands chipped
Stuck
Behind four walls of 'no one cares'
And three layers thick of 'this is who you are'
Frustrated as nails run across these walls transparency
Like I am the oil to the watery self of the likes of you
But our hearts beat and our eyes meet
Distorted and orbed
I try to become polar

Ever been Mad?
And nothing  
                        Helps.
You write and scribble, listen to the
         Music
Through headphones
     Bleeding Sound
Like thoughts
                  All of everything, does not seem
To quite
              Fit
Cause your Mad, Crazed and
Glazed like a donut wanton
Temptation to be eaten
With your soft wet
                                 Lips.
Something you just get out of your head.
    Canines ******* red jelly, ripping entrail by sugary
Entrail. Yet you are still Mad
                              Furious
As hounds of Baskerville, mysterious misery
You are humanity.