It’s been the first time in a long time The pain The aches have subsided Just for today rain The calmness of storming winds The warmth of my sweater the smell of food And good steaming love of my rice cooker The cuddles of the fog My imaginary cat slinking in the corner and for the first time In a long time I feel safe and happy I use to In toddler like aw I wish I could keep these warm sleepy Drippy rain feelings Like one keeps candy in a glove box Or a song in your head Just this feel good feelings on loop Melancholy but good enough to ease the ache I’ve felt since I left my childhood behind and adulthood began
Sometimes I know you don’t know me You don’t respect me You accept me like blank stares and awkward silences in dinning rooms Where I trust you to be to support me I fall on the unforgiving dirt road of denial
I finally get myself now Where on the map I am You my compass I understand now You will always lead me away From blue sky’s to grey
I know now where all my insecurities came to be Where they grew their roots thick and deep around my soul
I’ve stopped trying to please the people I cannot please And in exchange I find myself looking to please me I’ve stopped trying to find goals and achieve expensive pieces of paper Cause I’m the end we are going to the same place proper. Heaven or **** in dirt encrested ground Embalmed or silent ash making microbial sounds
You stole me then added me on, to become a part of you. but honey I am the house extension that shouldn't have been invested in I am the shell to your hermit crab always disposable as the plastic rain found in the landfills of our futures. A wasteland of mass proportions to which you will find treasures or trash depending on the man you are And you will certainly only find trash. And oh honey baby, my dear, I am only but a treasure.
It sticks to the back of my throat like peanut butter It sits back there like a frog and I croak croak croak, but it never escapes my quivering lips It never leaves me It never makes itself known But it hopes like every little insecurity I've ever owned that you will see it one day accept it one day read bedtime stories to it feed it food from your dinner table cloth it as it wants to be clothed support it like you are the keystone to my door to the world, I deserve to belong in yet I still only manage to look at it from the blurry red plexiglass windows
I hear voices from beyond it Be brave. Be brave. It gets better little one.
But when I look out that window I hear the depressions and suppressions of a people gunshots and violence and somewhere off in the distance I hear the singing laughter and joy
Be brave Be brave little one
but they are as far as my voice is trapped and away from me and as tangible as the frog in my throat Stuck in Pandora's box with a million others just like me.