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Yasmeen Hamzeh Aug 2014
Do you remember the day we made a promise to each other?

I can remember the weather perfectly. It was cold, and I could hear the soft patter of rain outside your window.
I remember the way your fingers softly pressed the piano's keys, and the way the melody filled the room.

You said we would run away eventually. We wouldn't stay ****** into the same vortex. You said we would eventually find somewhere else to call home, somewhere that word finally made sense.

Whether separated or not, we would seek each other out. We would meet at the usual destination; that cozy bar in an old hotel. The large french windows would overlook a beautiful garden, filled with pastel colored flowers, lush greens and the smell of fresh earth as it rained. Shadows would move freely, with only the soft light sifting through the curtains illuminating the black wood of the bar counter top. Nestled in a corner would be a black grande piano, and a man playing a sorrowful tune.

We would be perched atop slightly unstable stools, sipping on our scotch. We would spend the afternoon reminiscing on the mistakes, tribulations, success and memories we shared.

The silence would grow on us, cloaking us in a puzzling comfort. We would stare out the window and breathe out a sigh of relief.

All of it a distant dream and a broken promise, as I get ready to leave you behind.
I'll still have that dream, when I sleep.

Unfortunately it is a promise no more.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Jul 2014
I stood as still as I could.
Trying to hold in my breath, trying to turn invisible, trying to melt into the wall I steadied myself upon. My heartbeat thumped in my ears drowning out all other sounds.

Were my feet nailed to the floor by fascination? or was it disgust? The knot in my stomach laid no reliable argument to these rushing emotions.

My eyes followed his hands; the way he gripped her hips, the way his fingers traced her jaw. My eyes also followed his lips; how he pressed them almost reverently against the base of her clenched neck.
I watched as he inhaled her scent like he was being squeezed out of breath.

She struggled against his grip. Her eyebrows knit together in an unsightly frown. She halfheartedly pushed him off her weak body. It almost looked like she didn't want to resist, but her pride pulled her away from yielding. She was shaking, her form disheveled, yet it wouldn't sway him.

I felt a stinging in my eyes, that all familiar burning I experienced when I felt that twinge of paranoia. That burning paranoia that plagues me now, as my worst fears are embodied.

How could she easily dismiss him like that?
When I lay nights awake craving his skin, his breath, his words.

I have spiraled out of view, just a faceless backdrop in his hopeless love story.

How could a person hate and love so much at the same time?
It just goes to show that the world doesn't work that way, it works to crush you. All these emotions spurt out at once, as a lesson for all the lucky fools watching you.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Mar 2016
Draw the line.
Keep telling yourself you know where your feet tread.
What if that fragile balance fractures?
Which side would you choose?
Would you handle going against yourself? Against the very vibrations passing through your body?
Or would you risk shredding what little peace of mind is left?
The cold metallic feel brushes against your hands. Do you pull the trigger?
I can't contain the possibilities, especially when I reminisce.
That night I ran, barely dodging scattered wooden chairs.
An echo of your temptations beconed me further.
How thrilling to live in between the creases of each lie.
How ******* to let the chills of danger spread a road on your skin.
To let those words touch my lips as they splatter out and run with the wind; completion.
An affair of love with the more plausible mistake.
You reek of danger but my heart found a home in fear, and so you must taste sweet.
I have found the cure to failure; throw yourself at an inevitable loss.
I want to hurt, shred and slash.
I want to rule and to rule,
my kingdom on pillars of empathy and psychosis.
Keep your enemies close, but keep your addictions closer
Yasmeen Hamzeh Mar 2017
You can sail the world in your plight,
but take a look around.
Here I am, standing at a crossroad.
My tresses blowing left, and right.

I can feel each cold breath slowly descending down my spine.
Along with it, words of righteousness.

A long and ever gazing tree, wise with the past and words of those who passed.
The trunk may be sturdy but the roots take hold in old soil.
The howling wind sends it shuddering, but my feet have learned to dance along to the tune.

Each cut, and each wound tell a story.
Maybe it's all too raw,
but I won't let any feet step all over their glory.

Like clay, I shape my psyche.
Molding my own version of reality.
Like holding on to a rocking boat,
each stalemate tries to topple me over.

As a spectator your eyes stare on,
but you are being fooled, and I can attest.
As I unfold, you can sense the plot change.
Don't look at me with unassuming eyes,
then play at holding on.

My existence is riddled with holes,
I chose to let them breathe.
Wishing only for the realization of my imperfections.
Not a mending of my shape.

I can sense you discard your own impurities,
and try to pick at mine.
A perfectionist's charade,
A naive acceptance.

We paint our intertwining stories,
and in turn forget the photographs of our reality.
A soulful mirage, all but false memories.

A warrior and a strong pillar of faith,
but your cause has left you blind.
I find you imprinting this impression on every moment you soak in.

My body is but a shell,
A porcelain covering of my own choosing.
On the inside the winds howl,
and I run free and wild.
Your upright silhouette may never sift into mine,
But don't blame my interchanging breeze.
As I have already drawn out the line.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Oct 2016
My heart is pounding fast, but it only seems like the pitter-patter of rain.
Ignore the howling wind, and my sweaty palms clutching the leather steering-wheel.
Road lights flicker in the morning smog and I can feel my mind suddenly shift.
Once a friend but now a foe, that unwelcomed buzz rears in its ugly head.
I almost reach the finish line, but instead I am hit with empty excuses in place of my prize.
The scene fizzles out and I'm left standing on an empty street, shaking. The car keys still in my sweaty grasp.
My hair was unraveling from my sad-excuse-of-a-bun, but I breathe and imagine the way your fingers will nuzzle the worry away from my tresses.
My shirt is askew and its laces untied, I take another breath and picture it peaking out beneath your haphazardly strewn jacket.
It doesn't even matter that I think my pants are horrible, because I know they belong in a heap next to those hideous canvas shoes of yours.
I get in my car and ignore my aching back that hesitates against the uncomfortable seat.
I'm willing to shake hands with oversight, and declare compromise a friend.
It's because your bitterness is only outweighed by the sweetness of the nicks your teeth leave on my shoulder.
Your hesitancy is washed away by the method your eyes fix on our bare reflection.
The loneliness of your silence is snuffed out by the heat of your callouses pressed against my ribs.
I can keep counting and recounting each touch, hiss, sigh, bruise and smile.
The way your arms encircled me before I hesitantly left the sanctuary where you wrecked me all those nights, it numbs the distance I'm left with.
It leaves me terrified of its absence; and the inevitable soreness your memories will leave behind.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Jun 2015
So it started simple.
You held on, gave me words and painted pictures.
The tip of your tongue held words, mountains rising and rivers running.
The way your eyes suddenly dim, the cracks show. They're deeper and each day they carve their way closer to your core.
Your hidden starlight wards away hurt, only you don't let it seep into you; to help and guide you.
When you take your steps with confidence, your hips sway and that familiar smile. The strength shining through and shrouding your yearnings and weaknesses.
When you walk I beam, my thoughts wrapping around my confidence in you.
The pillar you represent, a sword to fight off loss and hurt.
You are light, intertwined with my darkness.
The swirling fear dissipating with each word you say, like a prayer.
You stand and fall, but you always fight.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Dec 2016
I might miss the way your muscles flex under my touch, but I will always hold on to the bitterness you left on my tongue.
I recount all our memories to only remember the way I cherished your ferociousness.
My bones have become fragile, I need someone to pack me up and carry me slowly.
You never understood how you opened me up, I was always ready for you to pour yourself into me.
Instead you left a gnawing black hole between my shoulder blades.
Every puff of smoke is another sigh of despair leaving my body.
My chest shattered in your absence and I'm left searching for pieces of my heart in this mess.
Silence is solace, but all I want to do is scream till I can feel a burning in my lungs instead of the one in my chest.
Why did I let myself wade between thick marshes till your talons embedded themselves in my skin?
I wanted dark whispers and coquettish smirks, and all it got me was a mouthful I can't manage to chew.
My ego got the best of me once more, and I have lost all the pages imprinted with warnings I saved for a moment like this.
My mind sunk in defeat, while my body was left a shredded liability in your wake.
You used to ruffle me like a lazy breeze between my tresses, but now all you remind me of are stalemates I thought I had left behind.
I have lost my haven and you are the only comfort left to seek, a road I wished would have been left undiscovered.
I tried to rub off the scent of you from my body using an unfamiliar scent, but now I wreak of vengeance and it doesn't smell as sweet.
I am ashamed of all these tears, but the warmth keeps flowing between every crack.
You have unleashed a dam, and I'm left here stacking up pages of words dedicated to you in hope of stemming the flow.
I'm already counting down the days till I forget you, praying for the hours to go by faster.
Nevertheless I still foolishly wish for a last lifeline.
I want you to fight, fight for me and help mend the last stitches you left behind.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Jul 2017
Each a different sea,
a sea nonetheless.

The one on your side has a warm embrace.
Mine wraps me up in a cold breeze whispering defeat.

Your beach holds sand to ****** your feet into,
leaving a lasting impression of your skin against its grains.
Mine is a bed of rocks.
Which shoot up cold shivers against my spine that no longer tell lies.

Your bed is soft, lace-wrapped,
skin peaking through.
Mine are cold sheets,
tie me down against an empty mattress.

One solace is firewater that promises softer sleep,
a diluted reality,
and memories miles away.

Long fingers,
cold skin.
Daydreaming of sheathing your sword in my warm ribs.
Rough night, sweat drenched with teeth awaiting a taste.

Bubble-wrapped I wonder if there is a chance.
Tiptoe and steal one last piece of vivaciousness.
Breathe in, smell relief.
Eve
Yasmeen Hamzeh Jan 2016
Eve
I watched the swell of my ******* rise and fall with each breath, and I remembered how your eyes traced the same movement.
I absentmindedly ran my fingers along the flare of my hips, and remembered how white your knuckles were as you held on to the same flesh.

I couldn't fathom how you saw my rebirth as a slow death.

I was a woman in your arms, the flushed
state of my skin was the secret to my depths.
The breaths I released were tainted by my strung vocal chords, a hymn of truth.
Each drop of sweat that descended the nape of my neck were pearls of my wisdom.
When my toes curled it was a sign; the alignment of planets.
The goosebumps that rose on my skin were the explosion of supernovas.
The sparkle in my eyes told of humble mischief.

Only what I saw in your eyes was a distortion.
The alarm on your features whispered of disappointment.
Your eyes witnessed filth, but I smelled the scent of gardenias.
Your skin was repelled by disgust, but I tasted sweetness on my lips.

I finally realized it, your mind was woven by our culture of shame.
Subconsciously your thoughts wrapped around sin and the desecration of purity.
I let you inside, cradled your needs and desires.
I basked in the rush and desperation of your movement.
But you saw this ritual as a sacrifice, and you held the knife to split me open on your malicious alter.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but you seemed to have gone blind.

The indulgence of my body and soul was wasted.
It was wasted on you who clung to ignorance,
you who was submerged in the fragility of your ego and superiority.
I would not let you sully me, or the beauty of that moment.
I would hail my strength, and scream out my confidence.
I would relish in my femininity,
for I am a woman and I would never be ashamed.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Dec 2015
I tell myself I'm wiser than all these women.
A soothsayer with a mind of diamonds, crafted by pressure.
Until I realize my mistake, a mistake you inspired.
I thought you were my only regret; only I don't regret you.
I regret how I blame what I have become on you.
Do you feel an invisible weight, or the noose that connects us?
Delusions pile up to create the pillars of my empire.
A crown of thorns, and a belt of testosterone.
I carry these keepsakes like a trophy, or fingers to a serial killer.
They are proof I have won this war, it is a war that festers only in my mind.
I have sacrificed my flesh so you can never claim the pride of doing it yourself.
I lay in sheets with my head spinning, the smell of sweat and **** nestled in the pillows.
I smirked as I repeated these words to myself, "Here's to you, love."
My body became accustomed to these ritualistic sacrifices, and revenge vanished leaving only a bittersweet taste in my mouth.
I long for the day my body surrenders my heart, when my soul and body finally meld and my thoughts don't stray to you.
For the day my lips utter a name reverently instead of an empty moan.
Eventually all I can hope is for this man to cover these scars like a tattoo; a tattoo of ivy twisting until they reach the depth of my soul.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Nov 2014
I call *******!
Unfortunately that is never the final word.
I call *******, and I'm sure I'm right. Just please don't let it get to me.

Reality is constricting, a vacuum that pulls you down and grounds you.
They tell me my head is in the clouds but they have miscalculated. My head is beyond clouds, the sky and our dimensions. Somewhere it roams never taking a break.
My knees grow weak but my vision is clear, and I fear relying on my sight.
I can feel my body shackled with chains labeled reality.

My heart connected to my body aches, for it resides in the shackles' dominion.
In my head a new heart began growing a long time ago. It's not tangible, I can hardly feel it beating.

The heart in my body brewed with jealousy. It felt illusions of what my other heart feels and longed for a generous gulp to quench its thirst.
My other heart is filled to the brim, and wishes for resolution. It wishes for a truth.

I keep telling myself it's a waste to attach myself to two hearts. Both incomplete, both longing for each other.
I have become greedy, selfish and locked both up.

"I call *******!" screamed the heart in my body.
"Why? Just look how happy you could be." replied the heart in my head.

All night long both hearts sung lullabies, trying to tame each other.
In the end the only closure was the howl my body released when it was torn in half.
Yasmeen Hamzeh May 2014
Dreams, maybe even reality. They mix, like an image of liquid.
Starts out smooth, before the burn, before the aftertaste.
A grey, almost invisible mosaic slowly dissipating into thin air.
It filters through, down your shoulder blades, past your collarbone and right underneath your ribcage.
It is met with a sizzle, the one that shoots right up your spine.
So many contradictions, all promising yet distant  .
Gruff, like sandpaper yet a little less revolting.
The palpitations intertwining, drawing the minutes out.
It starts to sting, then slowly turns into numbness.
It is welcoming and comforting.
Remembrance is but a fatality, losing sense of time.
The moment backlashes, the atmosphere crackles like bones.
Thoughts of things that don't exist, a new plane of existence.
Condensation, trickling and dipping between crevices.
The air is thick, not safe for use.
Every breath turns into a chore.
The only focus is the slow and muffled inhale followed by a regretted exhale.
Answers become twine, slowly unraveling.
They seem clear, but the illusion matured.
It surpassed the point of recognition, leaving a trace of resemblance.
The itch is unbearable, gnawing at the center of the subconscious.
As it all slowly filters away the emptiness turns to comfort.
The feeling of fulfillment becoming too distorting, and the calling for loss begins.
Varying pressures assure one thing; the existence of movement.
The cloaking of heat starts to slip and sudden rushes of frost accentuate the loss and gain.
The silence is unusually foreboding, but needed.
Calloused fingertips don't burn, but summon shivers instead.
Sudden unwanted thoughts play out behind shut eyelids.
It is all just a texture, nothing more.
Not what is expected but a dip in time, a halt in speed.
Soon the clock will start ticking on and the gap will bridge itself.
It is the hesitancy that keeps the moment hanging.
It is the fright of losing a small piece of understanding, or the warping of simplicity.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Apr 2017
Reduction can be degrading when I'm reduced to cigarettes and pills.
Because when I'm awake I can remember faces,
I can even remember each touch.
So I'm lost in a kaleidoscope made up of loathing, with parts remembered as pleasure.
Every time I reminisce about quivering lips, I'm reminded of blood-shot eyes.
I'm in between rebirth and death itself.
Running between fear and obsession.
It's been a long road, and each stop was a harsh lesson.
It might be pride but I keep reminding myself until my body is buzzing with life.
Masochistic tendencies, all a fear of control and decisiveness.
Keep playing games to pass the time, playing at feeling alive.
We only endorse a fantasy of indulgence and ego.
Who are we to keep lying to ourselves?
Saying we're alive and well when all we want to ask is what if it isn't?
Yasmeen Hamzeh Dec 2014
A laughable matter, how hours seem to change you. Not change you fully, at least not in the way a metamorphosis occurs.
It changes the signs of irritation, the raising alarm and mostly it adds a deep longing.
A familiar feeling weighing down each breath.
It feels like a numb explosion. Like there is more to it, but it never peaks.
It taunts with promises of relief, but leaves you boneless. Instinctively you mark it as an unsatisfying end.
Could be labeled pessimism or rationalization.
You hope for more, you always do.
Maybe it's the stop of the turning clock, the one that resounds heavily each night.
The disappointment will dissipate eventually, but it feels like centuries until it does.
The memories that keep flashing are like salt; the familiar sting of the shame from fresh wounds.
The wind you always carry with you, it drifts you off to foolish daydreams. It helps hold back the inevitable shame and guilt.
Soon you understand, this is all erratic. It must lead to an origin, but it is one you cannot find.
You realize the attachment to this coldness is horrifying. You never plan to be cold, it just catches fire.
Time takes its toll. It takes away the chance of ever amending; of retribution.
The obstacles are clearly organized to hinder much needed evolution.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Nov 2014
It's a slightly faded memory clouded by shimmering hope, but I can still remember the motions.

The most prominent sound was the creaking, whether of bones or of the bed springs. I would toss and turn all night, always emotionless and restless.
There was always a soft hissing when it was quiet, but when there was sound it was of soft guitars strumming. A voice that's cracked but clear resounds and reminds of all the turmoil.

The view itself was different. It wasn't what I had expected, nothing too dull or dreary. Instead all the colors were brighter, sharper. Except a certain halo that surrounded my proximity that seemed like a color vacuum.

The smell was dominated by the familiar scent of stale cigarettes, never fresh cigarette smoke. Sometimes it was the lingering aroma of a week old perfume still nestled into the fabric of my pillow. It's as if it was still there to help me remember that time never stopped.

These are the distinctive memories, it's how I am reminded of a time when I felt lonely.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Nov 2015
You observe.
I know what you see.
It's all perfectly visual.
Your eyes low to the ground, they catch on the tip of her heel.
You follow the curve of the red sole to reach her thin ankle.
Something possesses you to look further up, and you unintentionally trace the expanse of her languid legs.
Suddenly her eyes are staring back at you, and all you can do is instantly turn away.
Something you saw pulls you back, and you look.
Her lips are red, darker than blood and her eyes remain in your direction.
She removes the cigarette from her lips, and the look in her eyes almost throws you off your chair.
You train your eyes to look straight ahead, but when you close your eyes an image flashes.
An image of her lips pressed against the concrete.
You open your eyes only to redirect them in her direction.
Her black rimmed eyes with irises that seem desolate, are redirected away from you.
When you close your eyes another image flashes.
An image of her dead eyes staring up at you, almost pleading.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Nov 2015
I was a child.
I wasted three years on you.
I'm still not sure if I regret it.
Am I bad?
Am I sick?
Am I crazy?
Because I still want to feel your lips.
Just one last time.
I might not feel anything.
I wonder if you still remember how to ignite my fire.
Would my lips remember the warmth of your lips?
Would I still remember how our tongues sync?
Just one last time, to remember what it felt like.
To remember how I loved once.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Nov 2014
I can barely remember the contours of your face,
but I memorized the way your hands bend and the way your fingers curl. It's because I can imagine them pressing against my ribs.

Your name comes to me in vague shades of letters, but I remember the tone of your voice.  It's because I can imagine you howl all night,  and if I feel calm enough I can imagine you whisper my name.

I can almost feel the ridges of your throaty laugh rustle against my skin.  I can almost picture the vivacious color of your eyes staring back at me.

I wonder if it is a weakness. I feel all these thoughts filling up my head, constantly multiplying until they spill. The overload only worsens the tightness in my chest.  This is all because in this time and age I can't tell you what I dearly want to say;

I want you.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Oct 2015
Whenever I see your face I itch to sin.
I would inhale the saltiness of your skin, and the spice your chest radiates.
I would memorize how your ribs ripple when you groan.
I would pray silently that behind each closed door your fingers will crawl all over me.
I would do it all and much more just so I know what it's like to sin after seeing your face.
I would love to know what you desire when you see my face.
Do you want my submission slipping from my lips?
Do you hunger for the heave of my chest, or do you pine for the arch of my foot?
Do these thoughts ever beckon you like they do to me?
If they do, why don't we take the trip together?
Why don't we uncover the pins and needles behind our masks, and revel in the fragility of our bodies?
Why don't we stitch together words that tumble between bated breaths, and lay them down underneath these stained sheets?
Why don't you trace your fingers along my backbone, while I hope you can coax it to act out against you?
If only I could hear what you think when our eyes meet, if only I can sketch out the itch to sin that suddenly invades me.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Nov 2017
Gnashing teeth.
All too familiar.
Ache of muscles,
Too safe.
Run towards grief,
Like a cloak to be burrowed under.
When it gets too warm,
And no wind carries you asunder.
Beg for relief of tedious space.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Jun 2017
It seemed my mind would rather be preoccupied.

Crushed ice to cool off the burn on my tongue,
heady liqour to sooth the burn in my chest.
Tan lines to replace the once marked skin,
Velvet chokers to replace the pressure,
and new strumming to replace the wailing.

Summer dresses to cover my quivering,
along silver rings to cover the shaking.

Not so unexpectedly I glance a familiar countenance,
so I unravel and everything re-wires.
I'm fighting the studying of coincidences,
but the search is inevitable.

Old tears stain new sheets,
old methods replace new tricks,
and old memories replace new concerns.

Now it seems I haven't put you to bed.
Instead I lie in that bed wondering if you're the same.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Oct 2015
There's lightning outside, while on the inside I dream of the ways you can light me up.
My thoughts keep drifting to your silent smirk, the sure sign of a winner.
I seem to have stumbled my way into your headlights.
I had no intention of losing until you came into focus, until you owned the game.
My ego keeps slipping through my fingers, an indication of lost time.
My bare feet long to dance on cold ceramic tiles, to breathe in endless plastic roses.
You see my luck seems to always slip away from me.
One was the father of a child, forever bound to his little girl.
The second was bound to another, as if they were only meant for each other.
The third was my pitfal, he was all is fair in love and war until someone's heart was ripped apart.
Now I have nothing to lose, because he is a lone howler and his heart only loves the open road.
I realize that eventually none of it really matters as long as I can feel the pressure from your fingers.
All I need is to admit defeat, God had dealt me a losing hand.
Now I stay up late chain-smoking, and hoping for some solution.
My heart beats on a path my mind can't control and my feet have become tangled in these threads
Yasmeen Hamzeh Jul 2014
She's fizzled out,
that bright young swallow,
her dark irises that once held a shred of talent have lost their luster,
when will you give up on this paper version of a thrill?
get back down and feast your eyes
on this locked chest,
open it and find nothing.
That road will always be waiting for you,
never go looking for it
you will return hardened and empty,
you might cut the last string tied to you,
get back down and feast your eyes
on this old man waiting for you to make him smile,
his lamenting fingers balled up
pushing away that road you are looking for.
No use in remembering each stalemate,
tip-toe your way back to the emptiness
it will hold you in its arms and keep you safe
as waves of sand wash over the possibilities of that smile,
she watched as each string snapped,
she watched as they bled away years,
that road wrapping around her eyes,
effectively rendering her sightless.
The aperture will nuzzle its way closed
with each caress of the emptiness.
She shall hold the trifling prize,
she shall get back down and feast her eyes
on that old man swelling with pride,
she shall be empty and hollow,
but she shall finally witness that smile
the one he longed for,
the smile her kaleidoscope had drowned.
Yasmeen Hamzeh Mar 2016
A shriek resounding from inside,
Filling up cold deluded transgressions.
Aggressively clawing at a reality unsolicited.
Slowly the burning starts to reach closer to the core,
the final chapter about to unfold into a hollow scream.
Echoing in desperation to be heard for some resolution,
a lament looming over all that was left.

The shuffling of feet against cold marble slowly come to a halt,
and came the realization to what has become now a dream.
It was a rush of rejoice washed over a heated forehead filled with aching sighs.
The undying feeling floats against the surface,
as a reminder to the haunting memory of hope.
The foolish thought of a victory owned against a done deed.

Once more her legs give out as she can feel her body heavy with defeat.
A struggle shows against the creases of her soft tired face.
As if escaping the last fight her lips curve once more into a grin,
cracking slowly and faltering to an emotionless line.
Her lids shut and her head lulls back as she feels the soft breeze against her back.
The final realization of what was to evolve finally hit her ragged frame,
and she let go of the her convictions to shrivel back to her old ways.
Oct.7 2011

— The End —