S-nuffed from life too early
Q-uiet almost a kick now
U-nborn beauty
I-solated and alone
S-o numb to you now
H-ate so deep and out of control
Y-ou're all I lived for

I'm sorry I wish I was there to protect you from it all. I wish we had known each other in another time. I wish I were your first love there would be less pieces to find. I wish the person I see now was the person I met. I wish you were even looking my way. Just to see your face once more. I used to see you without the pain, light and full of hope. You hid it well but it always seeped through the cracks. Maternal pain - not lost but taken. How I wish I could understand. How I wish that even mattered.

The passion of my heart.
Could wear the river rocks to dust.
Relentless like the tides of moons.

The passion of my heart.
Could travel any distance.
It knows no barrier like the fading Ozone.

The passion of my heart.
Could melt with invisible fire.
Like the polar ice caps.

The passion of my heart.
Could feed the hungry.
Full of Endless substance.

The passion of my heart.
Could be inconceivably large.
Rivaling the Sun and the stars.

I wrote a perfect poem once. I scribbled it down on the back of a half used napkin. It wasn't short and is wasn't long. The lipstick laced food marks couldn't taint what was already perfect. There was no love and no sadness in the words. It embodied only emptiness - it's most pure form. Nothing left wanting, no thirst unquenched.

In a moment of clear sight, I knew only the right words were forming. In that moment the half empty bar around me sunk, drowned, imploded and combusted - for all I cared. I had just written a masterpiece.

Just a graze I dodged a bullet.
Because you were fake really full of it.
You had me going
Feelings started showing.
But I saw the light, out like lickidy split.

All day long I live out of body.
Just seeing flashes of a life worth living.
I see a woman I don't recognize.
But my gosh she's worth loving.

When I see you undress,
I could swear it's the first time.
When you kiss me goodbye that feeling in my chest,
knows you'll be right back.
The things we share are far beyond the physical.
We live together at the opposite end of superficial.

I spend my whole day searching for you with the scent you left on my collar.
Knowing you'll be back is never enough I need you now.
I thought I found you once.
But it was the wrong face right name.
Why does my life feel like someone elses game?

Will I ever find you when I bridge two planes.
I could exist on another plane entirely.
The way I look at you like your out of this world.

Delicate detailed and divine.
Simple sophisticated **** and sublime.

A dress.
Abnormal in class.
The way she made it shine.
But it was not the dress but her.
That stole my heart of thoughts.
Broken and repaired.
For that day I saw her all.
I've always seen beneath the surface.
But this dress it has found a purpose.
In this moment.
She sees what I see.
In this moment.
I'll set you free.
The way you do me.

When I close my eyes.
I see a hut with a single wall.
The rain.
Crashing down around me.
Mud and water splashing
In every direction.
Rain drumming each and every leaf.
A symphony drowning my ears.
A wind that carries the howling darkness and it's frozen whispers.
A forest full of trees bending to break.
Attempting to escape.
Anywhere but here.

So why am I here?

I know I'd rewind back to then.
Just for one more smile.
Just to hold you for a while.
Because they were microseconds.

And how I see you now.
Is that I don't.
So I'll rewind back to then.
And tell you a day sooner,
How much you mean to me.

Because you left before you got to see.
All of me.

I've seen the world and explored sacred places.
I've opened all my senses.
Seen its beauty and overwhelming glory.
These rose colored lenses.
I've read every book and heard every story.
Spared no expenses.

You might think I'd be happy and content.
Tonight I've realized.
There is one thing missing from my life.
One thing I'll never find with my hands nor buy with my sweat.
One thing impossible to manufacture or imitate.

I've found it before.
Dwelled in it for a moment.
I can't stay forever. But knowing you exist.
I'll be back for more.

It's everything I've adored.
Without i grow untame and bored.
It's what our connection is built on.
It's where our shared spirit was born.

You've shown me your raw nature.
It's pure form.
Your capacity to nurture.
Entwined spirits, our rough edges now smoothed and worn.

My shell you've broken to free me.
A welcomed moment of destruction.
We've tread through the shallow waters of superficiality.
Certainly we've made our introduction.

The soil beneath my feet shifts.
A stumble turned roll.
Down this mountain so steep.
Take me into you. And together
we'll roll in the deep.

I'm not crazy.
It's just imperative I let you know.
I enjoy each nanosecond we share.
Value every half, full and over the top smile you shoot my way.

You see I've searched the world.
And you're a gorgeous singularity.
That beaming personality,
brings me to my knees singlehandedly.

You were right when we talked about regret.
Live how you need to - ask for forgiveness later.
So don't hate me now.  

Because I'm telling you, somehow you mean a lot to me.
I like you and I'm probably just another guy you're being too nice to.
But I feel like this chemistry might be more solid than physics.

I'm a realistic person with an emotional soul.
I know me telling you this doesn't change anything in the 'now'.
I respect you far too much to make moves on your loyalty.
Because I haven't seen anything I don't like about you so far.

I know I've found a friend in you.
Someone truly special.
I just know there is potential for so much more.
In another world.

I'll lasso planets together until I find a place next to you once more.
My ever lasting perspective of you.
Whom I totally adore.

I'm unhappy as ****.
I'm an escapist of reality.
I'll gladly waste the next several hours, days, weeks escaping my existence, living outside myself. Removing myself from the pressures of unhappiness.
If only for a string of short lived moments.

What does one do with the awareness of ones subconscious drive. How does one begin to take the steering wheel.

Do I have what it takes to be more than short lived.

The more you're gone, the more I think.
Has this time we spent together
Been for nothing
You gave up on me long before I saw it.
You played me for a fool.
You gave me nothing and still I adored it.
You've given me memories like nightmares.
Scared to give them grip of reality.
Don't lead in, they are figment.
But then how else do I explain this duality.
Memories so real I've reached to you in sorrow.
Memories so real I've lothed my tomorrow.
Realities mixed, blurred vision, which is real?
Loss, pain, emptiness and these words.
I never signed this deal.
What you have done to me.
Its all too surreal.

I barely know you.
I wish I knew you more.
Watching every which way you grew.
Up from nothing never going back to where we were before.
Protective of the things to which you care.
It's funny how that works.
Because those are the things that we now share.
A brothers love you've never known.
I'm sure you know now.
You don't ever have to endure it all alone.
Family is a tricky word.
It might not mean much.
But you're part of ours now.
Of this little bit you did touch.
Keep finding Your path
And I'll find my own.
I'm sure we'll meet up again.
In a place we both call home.

I don't know what to write anymore.
But I can't stop thinking about flickers of your lips
and splatters of your touch.
When the rain pours just for you.
Something has to flow.
When water runs over your shoulders and down the drain
like the wisdom of the world.

In the brevity of your light I stole a slice of the sun for my own.
Lying deep inside a dormant orbit.

As the rain begins to weigh you down like the gravity of Jupiter.
My light, my love will be all yours.

Lay with me and tonight we'll steal the moon once more.

I've been writing.
I rarely ever stop.
These words are feelings that I had forgot.
Like ideas not recorded.
These poems I'll not be rewarded.

Thoughts of pain
Love and lust.
Take little comfort in me.
As I do not trust.

Myself I'm selfish.
Like you or the next.
Bleed out like this.
That will be the test.

I've gone round and round.
Felt the ups the downs.
But never guilty you've been found.

Take me a way from this.
Take me far into the abyss.
Where no mortal walks.
No demon flies.
We'll stay forever and attest the tides.

I creased these edges.
Folded them delicately.
Taped this box up gently.
For it holds my heart.
And every thought of you,
I can't control.
Stowed away in storage.
For when you're ready.
To know how I truly feel.

I struggle and I fight.
But my goal fades of into the fog.
Losing sight of my persistence.
Weeds pulling me down.
Feeding the resistance.

I can't stop, I go down I won't have it in me to pull up.
Don't give in.
Break the chains of the corrupt of heart.
Muscle that birthed the sword for my back.

I'm cold. A chill in the air.
Wood fire dwindling to smolders.
Ash crisped cinders to share.
Cotton between our shoulders.
That endearing musk of burnt wood.

A soft kiss on your cheek.
My arm wrapped round you.
I whisper in your ear
those words I do love to speak.

"I'll distract you not from the beauty of this world,
nor the loves you've counted.
I'll never let you waver from your hearts dream.
Stay true - look up ahead and mine will be seen."

This faint light up ahead.
It flickers and dances.
Clawing and bubbling to break.
Daylight will be upon us, no chances.
Don't blink or you'll miss this.
The birth of life - light years away.
An explosion of color flooding the sky.
Life inspiring feeling - opposite to grey.
Rain of warm power filling my voids.

A dream born anew each day.
A love found in you.
Explored in every single way.
A never ending gift.
If only we're awake.

Just then as it broke.
Did you feel it?
I felt yours and you mine.
Our hopes and dreams become one.
A valley of trust now glowing.
Warm tones red through yellow.
Delivered by the morning saint.
My dream revealed.
Endless passion only the sun could paint.

This moment.

Sunrise at dawn.
Wading into each others lives.
Togetherness and warm.

Picnics amidst the day.
If the world would just collapse.
This is where I'd stay.

Sunset giving into the stars.
Looking into you.
Along with Jupiter and Mars.

I know one thing for sure.

Where we are or what we do.
Its all irrelevant.
All I ever needed was you.

I turned over every stone kicking through my brain.
Looking for the answers to my endless questions.
Trying to grasp the rips in my emotional tether.
Thinking up a million ways in which we could have been together.

I've got a perspective with ten thousand ends to this story.
And in all of them.
There's only one which leaves me feeling weak and lonely.
The one in which I keep my feelings to myself only.

I've gotta find some power and some resolve.
To do the things that make me whole.
I don't want to look back on my life in regret.
Forced to blame others like they stole.

Because to own up to it is just too painful.
That I had never learned.
To be strong and to speak with definition.
This is my minds extradition.

For the all the injustices to the heart.
For holding me back with a cloudy judgment.
Useless thoughts from the start.
This is the abandonment.

Why the **** do I still think about you.
You were horrible for me, to me.
Then you left. I should be yelling good riddens!

From the roof top like a man tempting to jump. I wish it were as easy as a push or a trip to get rid of you.
That smile, that torment that you let me with.
I wish logic and fortitude couldn't give in.
My mind plays games.
Living in a world where I could win.

We had a culture and a humility
That descended into poverty.
It's much and none.
Desperation and opportunity.

I see the beauty and the pain in the eyes.
Of those victims to this tourist culture.
That has us all losing our morality.
I was a person and now I have a price tag.

Traditions that hold us back as a people
That spiral the young naive and uneducated towards empty hearts.
Forced to partake at the mercy of baht.

We weren't always this way.

Ocean waves lapping the shore.
Everything faded out leaving only the crash tsssshhhhhh of the waves nullified in the sand.
Drowned in the rhythmic arrangement.

Coconut trees in the distance rubbing leaves like the supporting instruments on this beach orchestra.

And then there was you.
And me.

With only the moon over head.

In this space I've become a superhero.
You guessed it - my head is this place.
Crossing poems off my list to zero.

My words you've adored.
Appreciated approved and applauded.
You've given me confidence now stored.

Dreamy you've made me sound.
Tell me I'm good with my words.
I've written with feeling abound.

I'm not a superhero you'll find.
If I could speak the way I write.
I think I'd annoy myself.

:)

Ive always listened to what you've said.
not just the detail.
But everything you've bled.
I've taken it on white shoulders.
Now ****** and soaked.

You told me loving lovely lies.
You left your true heart behind.
Cunning scalpel in disguise.
Ripped deep and tortured.
I've wished instead you had slaughtered.

I've pushed you out of my conscious.
Now your in my dreams where I have no control.
Nightmares like memories.
All that time that you stole.
Your as ruthless as you were then.
You give no warmth.
A beautiful mesmerizing walking corpse.

In dreams where my desires materialize.
Rules flipped like your morality.
I've woken up face red.
You still give me nothing.
Except things unsaid.

Eyes like an open window.
Beauty like stained glass.

I look into your eyes
They long to tell me truths.
But your lips only spill a sly ruse.

Stolen in a moment of encapsulation.
Innocent for the entire duration.

Trust running down your face.
Eye liner that can't be undone.
Murky distaste what happened to all that grace.

Telling the truth can be tough.
Everything you are just isn't enough.

My poems are not a poem.
They have no form or flow in 'em.
I've never been taught to write one.
These words are my thoughts undone.
True and honest to myself.
Perhaps they belong on the shelf.
Powerful and unstoppable.
A desk job is more probable.

This wall of words now associated with poems.
Words that always half encapsulate my feelings.
Intense feelings pump my heart.
Not will power or muscle twitch.

My heart fills like a great wall of water to a void.
Suddenly I'm drowning in the moment.
Insanity caught in a loop.
Relief only in the inky paper.

Heavy hearted, sad and devoid.
The words disappear into the page and out of my heart.
Therapeutic scribblings of maddening emotions.
On the page - free of their negative erosion.

Romantic notions, love and potions.
Words that leave a fragrant underline.
Words that don't die with the moment.
A strong and true heart and mind.
Words that don't just resonate.
Their mine.

Growing ever taller and more vivid.
This wall.

I've awoken now.
Quite down little birds.
My mind muddied and blurred.
Where am I now and how..
Did I get here?
Rusty, still turning on like that old junker that'd never start first time.
Memories mysty drips and drabs of last night.
Unshaven from days ago.
Dirt and blood laced aftershave.
Was it one night or a week, maybe they blended together.
The nights are the worst they always bring the day.
Recoil finding myself all over again.
It's Thursday.

Tired of these ****-girls.
Looking at me like meat.
If you've got lust in your eyes.
Then we best not meet.

If you've been taken for a ride.
We've probably sat on the same boat.
Maybe I just came off better.
But I don't intend to gloat.

Today is just one day, everything seems to be harder.

If tomorrow doesn't come.
If the sun rises and recedes.
Along with the moon and the seas.
At least I've lived today.
Though not in the best way.
At least I've lived today.

I've gone two ways.
Not left nor right.
Split me down the middle.
I'm due pride, I'm due light.

You've cut me in ways.
The night with its tallons and teeth couldn't rip clean.
You've gutted me worse than WWII infantry on the beach.
I've been here before. It's a steep road to slaughter.
Gore immune, take me to the seven hells.
You've put me through butchery, what worse could you do?
Take me back this curse you'd undo.
With it comes demon come Craine.
This heart, trust and love.
Forever to tame.

I build you up.
Give you the support your missing.
Rely on me to be your crutch.
I build you up.
In your time of need.
I became your rock.
I build you up.
so you can leave.
Why'd I do that.
I built you to hurt me.

I'll never find anyone who made me feel like you did. Again.
I'll never love so deep and raw. Again.
I'll always be searching for you again and. Again.
I'll never kiss the way we did. Again.
I'll never make love so passionately. Again.
I'll never compromise myself. Again
I'll never let things unsaid be my undoing. Again.
I'll always try. Again
I'll always want a love so unique. Again.

A love is special.
A love is unique.
But love is not.
I hope.

Forever tormented by the thought.
You took my love.
Uniqueness that can't be bought.
This feeling I had with you gone.
Forever lost and never retrieved.
My hearts passion truely deceived.

Despair swelling at my ankles.
Searching for love like before.
You punish me with shackles.
They've left me feeling cheap.

An artist without creativity.
Coloring with no feeling.
Incapable of sensitivity.
This image of replaying moments.
Plagiarism of my emotion.
A different person and yet.
My heart of thoughts - only confliction.

I want them to be special and unique.
This wall turned insurmountable.
My problem has come full circle with no solution.
Uniqueness ripped clean surgically.
You took it all perfectly.
Even these words you've taken from me.
I'm left with no choice.
You'll not have my voice!

I'm an indecisive man at the best of times.
I relish the moments I have true direction.
But I just can't seem to consolidate my feelings.
To bind them up and rope my way out of this one.

Every thought I have accompanies an opposing feeling.
Every choice I decide on leaves me with an unsure taste in my mouth.
How do I have confidence that fills the room and bubbles over.
But no confidence in where I'm headed.

I only wish you could reserve judgment and not be so harsh.
When I imagine my future life I don't see you in it...
Because I don't see anything but a blur.
Everything - All I am is unsure.