You're the peanut to my butter
And the toast to my jam
You love me with my faults
You know who I really am
You're the Hershey to my kiss
And the bumble to my bee
When I am around you
I feel comfortable and free
You're the star to my burst
And milk to my cookie
How much do I love you?
More than Han loves his Wookie!
You're the flip to my flop
And the she to my nannigans
Crap, I wrote myself in a corner
What rhymes with that?.....
Rhyming skills aside
You're the best part of me
I'll always be right by your side
From here to eternity.
The amount of heat
generated by your petite
body in bed
staggers my brain and threatens
to sizzle my loins every time
I wrap around you.
Oh, I try.
Under chestnut-brown cotton sheets
firm from the dryer,
nimble fingers on chapped hands
dance along your silky femininity,
auburn hair draped across my stubbled cheek,
smoldering after 10 minutes.
You overpower me,
and I roll away to catch my breath.
Several nights I’ve fallen with a thud
close to you,
knocked out by
the stone-cold hammer
of iced-down liquor,
only to wake up half-drunk and boiling.
Jack, Mark, Tito, Eddy,
even they are no match
and no shield.
But you don’t feel your energy.
You are comfortable in yourself
and content with your burning essence.
It should be no other way.
The fire does not feel its heat.
It does not know how it burns.
Touch with care.
Embrace with respect.
Understand its power.
I lie here tonight and consider this
on a cold slab of memory foam
freezing in a 45-degree house,
for the third day of this power outage.
You were smart enough to take off work
and drive the kids to your brother’s warm house
in New York
packing your blessed fire with you,
while I tough it out like a man,
like a moron,
stuttering through chattering teeth.
When it comes to making new friends
I have three methods to achieve those ends:
You can join a club, site, or organization
To find others with similar inclinations
You could wait for a sociable one to come by
And follow them once they take you by their side
Or you can join in on a string of crude jokes
And make friends with your fellow weird blokes
Candy kisses and flowers galore,
so much to wonder,
of what lies in store,
from saint valentine's,
bag of old tricks,
Gifts by the bundle,
and oh so much more,
I have a prediction,
I've been there before,
but I hope I'm the one your heart picks!
Ooooo please, pick me!
PLEASE just write me a poem,
an sing to my heart,
just sing me a sweet valentine,
or play me a tune,
write me verse,
just tell me that you will be mine,
Kiss me so softly -
they are waiting,
as I draw you in close,
to my breath,
I will love you so well,
no need for sweet flowers,
if only to celebrate death,
I've no need for the candy,
or wine for to drink,
I need just a moment,
a moment to think,
hold on a second here....
As I awoke to a tragedy,
early this morn
on my saddest of day,
I'd come now to realize,
that I am awake,
and that your love,
has still gone away,
I guess this a game,
for some they can play,
or perhaps they have nothing,
else better to say,
why all the pressure,
why just today?
my valentine is still so elusive,
he waits beyond where I grasp,
I put my hand to my heart,
in my weary,
as without him,
I only can gasp,
As I look down my chest,
for my locket-
to find I've just broken the clasp!
Ma Cherie © 2017
Two weeks after the breakup
I watched my reflection
two fingers trace a puffy purple bag.
under my eye, A smirk sprouted
A loud Sargent boomed in my skull
As we march further
Into the territory of single life.
We, The voices in your head
Have voted unanimously
Thumper, The results.
Sir yes Sir.
Nick your descisions
in reguard to relationships
Were convicted of self-destruction.
Here is some Dating Advice
From the voices in your head.
Don't Stick it in the Crazy.
I'm serious nick. Stop sticking it in the crazy.
Although cumming inside a woman
Whom loves you and wants a baby
Is a fulfilling, Romantic experience.
With Tinder dates this is no longer Routine.
Cumming inside a first date
Behind a lighthouse
Without a condom,
Should not be
YOUR FIRST INSTINCT
FOR FUCKING IDIOT
Remember it is okay to fuck your friends.
remember it is not okay to Rebound fuck your friends.
Having sex with a new gender
For the first time
Is exactly like losing your virginity
All over again.
You have no idea what you like anymore.
Why isn't this working?
That doesn't go there, Oh
Please put that there.
Some of your ex's
Will start talking to you again.
You should still probably not sleep with them.
Okay once, but now no more...
STOP SLEEPING WITH YOUR
...Oh never mind.
When a girl reaches for a 2-liter of soda
After having sex in the backseat of your car.
Do not assume she's thirsty.
She may lift the soda bottle to her vagina.
I know what you're thinking,
Yes it's that bad.
As the soda.
When she spreads her legs and says:
"Drink from me"
...and of course when you say:
She will get extremely upset at you, and
Scream at how terrible of a person you are.
All over the back seat of your car.
Please be very clear
About where you stand
On drinking vagina coke
From the beginning.
Just because someone is in a relationship,
Does not mean they won't sleep with you.
Asking if the boyfriend or husband is okay
With you guys.
Is a good first step to taking the higher ground.
Asking during sex
Might kill the mood.
eat plenty of Potassium.
foot cramps ruin everything.
Listen here maggot,
When a girl leaves something behind,
She probably wants a second date.
Even if what the woman left
Was Fucking vagina coke
All over your brand new leather seats.
Some of the people you sleep with.
By some miracle,
Will still want to talk to you.
You crazy asshole.
They might make amazing friends.
You might even have sex again.
If you're lucky,
They'll teach you something
Thank you for Matching
the Tinder Call Center.
My name is Nick and I will be helping you with your order today.
And your name is?
Hello, Port Veritas
I'm so glad you called
because you do qualify
as one of the first 100 people
I find attractive!
So Where are you from?
Oh Wow, I've never been there,
you ever Been here to Bull Feeney's?
No? Well look at that,
I guess we've never been
too each others places before.
Looks like we have something
What was it on my profile that got you interested in swiping right?
Oh I see, you like love poems,
you like new shit,
you just wanna make everyone cry.
How long have you been interested in that?
Wow that's a long time.
What else have you tried
to hear love poems,
see new shit
and make people cry?
that's kinda fucked up Port Veritas.
That's really fucked up.
What's the worst part about dealing with that?
I see, well I'm glad you called.
Tell me a bit
why it's important
to do something about this now;
it's a little different for everyone.
I see, it's Valentine's day. There's a valentines open mic and LOVE SLAM Tonight!
I'm just gonna ask a couple quick questions to see if you qualify,
Will you all answer them for me?
Do You want sexy poetry?
Sexy poetry IS the best sticky note to receive in your eighth grade lunch box
Do you want Radical Self Love?
me too, let's keep looking
Do you want love Poetry?
You just want so many things from me that i can give you.
Do You want people to need a towel by the time you leave the stage!?
You're right, they shouldn't call it dry humping
You know, Port Veritas. I can't wait for you to watch this amazing show we have for you tonight.
As my profile states,
we're gonna give strangers this microphone for four minutes.
Where they are gonna say whatever the hell they want about terrible dates, passionate love, terribly passionate sex.
And that sounds great doesn't it?
Just imagine how wonderful it will feel when
you get up here
picture all these lovlies in their underwear
feel cold and alone
with nothing but your words
and a microphone
Then drop the god damned heat on us.
Imagine a chorus of FUCK
and Mmmm and snaps
THAT'S really why you swiped right today, isn't it Port Veritas?
Excellent! Let's get you started!
As you heard, we've put together a Special Package, with this Valentines open mic. A LOVE SLAM.
And an extra free second date when you try this First One for just your body.
Plus, since you're one of the first 100 people I find attractive,
I'm gonna throw in a Third date. so you get three, for the price of one!
And remember that swiping right on a Poetry slam is risk-free because it's backed by our 30-day Text you back guarentee.
So put your name on the sign up sheet.
next to your $3- $5 dollar suggested donation
bus your tables at the end of the night,
Tip your bartender Leah well for putting up with us every week.
use whatever bathroom you fucking want
and one last order of business
to wrap things up
like a good boy practicing
safe sex, who is totally not trying
To get you all pregnant.
when he asks how you like
Your eggs in the morning.
If someone gets up here and says
something during their four minutes
That makes you feel unsafe
you can do one of three things
1. Silently get up, leave the room and come back when you're comfortable
2. Get Nate or myself and tell us to provide floor for a calm discussion.
3. Go home write a fucking poem about it. and bring it back here next week!
WHO'S READY FOR A VALENTINE'S OPEN MIC?!
UP ON DECK
he always knew you weren't fond of them
he's gonna chase after scattered rays of light among the shallows
he's gonna write you a prose about love and fire tornadoes
he's gonna read to you Pablo Neruda and Maya Angelou
but he's gonna lie about liking pineapples on pizza and not leaving you
With Virginia's second largest student population
Four thousand, five hundred, twenty eight kids looking for
Companionship in a confined quarter mile
You would think that it would be quite simple to
Find a person to spend your days around
You would think that it would be simple
To find someone whom you have an
Interest in knowing
To find somebody
With whom you have