1 day ago

I may act a bit odd every now and then
You call me a puppy, but I'm fully human
Sure, in good weather, I roll down a window
And stick my head out as far as I dare go
Yes, I also stick my nose in the air and sniff
If I smell food, perfume, or anything amiss
And I might snuggle up to you at random times
When I feel lonely or can't keep open my eyes
Though I'm an introvert, I'm good with a pack
But with those unfamiliars, my social skills lack
I'm often quiet, but I can raise my voice
I bark loudly and howl with joy if given the choice
I can be a bit akward, pushy, or clumsy
But despite stupid mistakes and curiosity, I'm no dummy
Okay, you may have been right all along
That some part of me is that of a dog

There's nothing wrong with acting like an animal at times. :)
#self   #funny   #discovery   #dog  

Dear Julie,
Fuck you right back
or should I say jules
fuck you jules
with your stupid dumb name
your no jewel
your smile may sparkle
but your heart is made of coal
you try to hate me with your letters and words
you may even think you do
but you love me
I've got that bad boy edge
and all you've got is that vape
your goofy laugh bursts without warning
i may go deaf if it happens again
dear god please let me go deaf
i wouldn't have to hear your slanted remarks
always trying to cut deep with old memories
but you are the one thats still bleeding
you don't even have a shower to wash it away
i still have you around my finger
writing poems in exchange of a fake reason to come hang out
don't even try to deny it
cuz I'm the shit
and you just stink

2 days ago

There were roses near the fireplace
Champagne bubbling & perfume sprayed
I knew I was in the wrong house
Because this never happens to me
I realized I was drugged and high
Maybe on LSD
Cause everything was blurry
And then vivid like in HD
Suddenly, I heard a woman scream!
Your not the man I'm supposed to meet"
I said I'm sorry ma'am , but I do have meat
I know your dude is late, but you gotta eat!

Then the bats flew in lashes
And we had a few smashes
Before I had to cu...  Run

Now  I'm trippin on acid
On a bus with some fat kid

Telling me that the girl was his mom

#funny   #silly   #comedy  
3 days ago

It's when you wait
To do the things
You truly hate.

Your conscious yells.
Instead you ponder
'bout cow bells.
Cuz if we need
Bells for our cows,
Why not small kids
Who wander 'round?
Kids that're smelly,
have round bellies
and seem to always
be cryin' and yelling?

At this point
You look to the fan
And see a fat fly
You wonder when it's gunna die
But your lazy cat,
Who has lazily sat
On the laziest looking mat,
Jumps like a boss
and with a paw toss
Swipes that fly
Into your left eye.
Right after the hit,
You scream...

Now as you're half blind
A series of thoughts
Pop into your mind.
What if you die...?
All because of the fly?
What if it landed
In some poop?
What if that poop...
Is now in you?
You could get malaria...
Get lost in hysteria...
Nothing seems clear
Will you now never know
If Justin Bieber's queer?

Is when you wait
To do the things
You truly hate
But if you take
Too long to start
Karma bites you
In the arse.


Who else procrastinates more than actual work? Just me? okay then...
#poem   #death   #funny   #thoughts   #crazy   #cat   #work   #lazy   #truestory   #procrastinate  
3 days ago

At this school, our jokes
Are often more messed up than
Purely humorous

Most of the jokes here are two parts messed up and one part making light of the weird.
#funny   #jokes   #school   #senryu  

"Space X To Fly Two Paying Customers To The Moon"

It's a trip of a lifetime
he said
It’ll bring us closer together
he said

What I failed to realize was
Even in space he could still find a way
to cheat on me.

“A crater?!… Really John?!”
Men really will stick their dicks in anything.

By Lindsay Johnson
#poem   #poetry   #funny   #space   #breakup   #humor   #comedic   #comedy   #news   #headline  

This guy told me a joke,
a really, really funny joke.



I can't remember it.

#funny   #comedy   #joke   #sarcasm  
Danielle L Cook
Danielle L Cook
3 days ago

i'm not a jerk
i'm an introvert
and i say fuck a lot

Not mine, Tyler Cohle's.
Check him out.
5 days ago

I am the bads deliverer
And i deliver bads.
I deliver all the things that disappoint you, make you mad.
I drive my van right to your door, and arrive just as you leave
So i write a 'collect later' note impossible to read.
I deliver all the products that just aren't quite what you ordered,
Like a t-shirt just one size too small, or a photo wrongly bordered,
I miss one meal off your takeaway, give you beef instead of prawn,
I tell you 'between 9 and 12' and then arrive at four,
I fill a van with fragile things then hit every speed bump;
But the worst thing that I've ever done is deliver Donald Trump


a flock
of friends
in town
any event of your life
can be put on hold
and cookies
and the toilette
doesn't get flushed

#love   #funny   #friendship  
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