i am drowning
should i do this?
can i do this?
i am screaming

i am 24 for god sake
but here i am
still dont know what to do
doubting everything
full of uncertainty

i am 24 years old
and yet here i am
unsure about everything
dont know a single thing about herself

I do not go through life fearless, nor do I wait until I've conquered fear
Everything I do I do despite fear, fight through every tear, must be better than the prior year
I'm sure there's a word for exactly that, that's a fact, but I call it living
Acknowledge when I fall flat, remember there's no safety mat and I must never go back to the beginning
That's who I want to be, that's what I want to say
But that is not the me I wake up with everyday
I'm unsure,
Insecure,
Immature,
With a bit of a temper
I could go on and on, stop me when it starts to sound familiar...

©2023

Every morning I awake to the same thing.
The walls are ever slowly closing..
Warped into this dark hole,
slowly sinking still.
It amazes me that they can't see.
Even now,
how close I am to the edge. To the end of my existence.
She's suffering silently,
submerged into the depths of loneliness.
Ever aching, forever unsure.

She is doing kind of **** I would never do
It genuinely hurts to see the way she's treating you
Back when mine I treated you as if you were my king
Looks as if in her mind you are nothing more than a fling
I try to hide disapproval because I don't have the right
To tell who is and who isn't worthy of holding you so tight
But is hard to witness you take any amount of abuse
Emotional and physical
You refuse to cut her loose
Does it seem I am simply sipping on some haterade?
Opinion formed without even giving you a chance to persuade
In gut instinct churns that she will run once more
What is stopping her now that wasn't in the way before?
Despite previous cold shoulder you dove right back into her (eye-see)icy sea
You really believe she changed overnight into the woman you need her to be
Suspicions
Concerns
Questions swarm my confused mind
You chase what does not care and leave who loves you behind
Rushing to her side again the moment you get the chance
When she pushes away I'm sure you'll repeat the dance
At worst I threw some punches when I lost control of my fist
Appears violent tendencies are something she doesn't bother to resist
I hope under covers she at least warms your body at night when it's late
Waking up by you privilege missed most so I pray that one blessing she appreciates
I wish her to hold you down whether doing good or bad
Because I supported through struggles no matter how little you had
She better carry more weight than I could to help relieve your heavy load
Demonstrating far greater strength then the pathetic bit I showed
Inevitably she will grow tired of the endless games and lies
Wonder how much manipulation she'll endure before she will finally cave and realize
I had given up on promised transformation and pushed for solely honesty
Something tells me she is not capable of accepting that this is all you'll ever be
She does a more adequate job than me at being everything you desire
Does a word exist describing the qualities I lack which you require?
Inside is excruciating knowing you have discovered happiness with someone new
In presence underneath maintained composure visciously longing to fall for anyone other than you
Unsure how much misery must drown in before loneliness finally sets me free
Maybe it is time to admit that this cage my heart is locked within was created with no key